Confiding experiences of sexual abuse to peers. Rosaleen McElvaney Dublin City University

1. 'I couldn’t keep it from
her... she’s my friend':
Confiding experiences of
sexual abuse to peers
Rosaleen McElvaney
Dublin City University

2. Sample & Themes
• N=20 young people, aged 13 to 19 interviewed as part of
larger grounded theory study
• Secondary analysis of data
• Narrative analysis – stories of how they told, their experiences
of telling, why they confided in friends, how confiding in
friends led (or didn’t lead) to telling adults
• Themes
• Contexts – some examples
• Telling friends: themes of trust, closeness, sharing confidences,
containing the secret, feeling understood, distrust
• Telling adults: helping friends tell
• Pressure cooker effect: to tell or not to tell?

3. Contexts
• Out for a few drinks with friends (when she was 15)
• Sharing confidences (knew her friends had also been abused,
this made it easier)
• Sent text message during abuse
• Sent a text message to boyfriend (some months after first
disclosure)
• Sharing confidences on the bus, trying to help each other
Playing ‘truth or dare’
• First person she met following abusive incident
• Confiding in sibling

4. Context – Sean (16)
• I told my friends first. We were talking about our
problems, em, we were sitting on the bus. We were on
our way back from town and eh we were just, me, my
friend (boy) and (girl) we were sitting in a circle talking.
(Boy) was talking about how he was feeling suicidal
because he found out about his real Dad and like he’s
always known but he didn’t really know how to get in
contact and he was feeling suicidal and (girl) was telling
us her problems like she has an eating disorder and em
we were trying to help her with that and then like out of
nowhere, like I just felt like saying it, cos it was like built
up and all of a sudden I just said it I mean they were the
first two I ever told and I confided in them cos I told them

5. Texted during abuse,
Rianach (15)
• Actually the night it happened, I told, I was texting me friend
all night and I fell asleep and when it was happening he went
into the kitchen for a minute so I texted me friend and told her
• And she was getting all panicky so I just text her saying it
didn’t matter it was alright so like she was trying to ring me
and all but I wouldn’t answer her
• R: what exactly you said to your friend?
• C: Me sister’s fella is after trying it on with me
• Well she texted back saying what happened? are you alright?
I says ‘he just started feeling me up’ and she was trying to ring
me but I wouldn’t answer the phone … coz I didn’t want to talk
then. I went out to her the next day and I just told her what
happened

6. Responses
• I think they did believe me (Deirdre, 17)
• I just remember him running down and telling me that it
was alright an’ all (Rianach, 15)
• They were like oh my god, are you ok? And they’re really
supportive now (Muireann, 14)
• They were helping me through it like from Halloween an
all and Christmas until the time I told the Headmaster in
my school (Sean, 16)
• He couldn’t believe that I hadn’t told anybody he was
upset for me but he was really annoyed like (Maire, 16)
• She was just shocked like (Caitlin, 14)
• They helped me a lot (Dympna, 16)

7. TRUST
• I’m here for you
• We’re real close
• We were talking about each other’s problems – sharing
confidences
• They won’t tell anyone – they’ll keep the secret
• They understand - they know what it’s like

8. I’m here for you
• Boyfriend – first confidante
• C: it was him that helped me like…He was kinda like if nobody
else is there for you I’m there for you like you know that kinda
way and I’ll always be here for you you know that kinda way so
at least I knew I had someone backing me up
• Best friend – after parents found out
• she was just there for me
• I wasn’t in school or anything she came around to see was I ok
so I told her
• (Maire, 16)

9. We’re real close we are
• we’re real close we are so… so I just told her what
happened to me (Caitlin, 14)
• because we were really close as em as friends
obviously we had a lot of friends but we were kinda really
close in together like an eh I dunno it’s just they are me
best friends (Dympna, 16)
• if anyone would understand what happened, it would
definitely be some of them…I wouldn’t be able to keep
that from them like if there’s anyone that I’m close to, it
definitely would be my friends (Muireann, 14)

10. Sharing confidences
• I dunno really I was very em stressed at the time that I was
going through and it was kinda stressful what she was going
through so we used to confide in each other about a lot of
things … I suppose I just really needed someone to confide
in like (C14)
• so she really confides in me cos she knew that she wasn’t the
only one out there that it happened to (Caitlin,14)

11. They will keep the secret
• C: it wasn’t hard telling them cos I knew they wouldn’t
say anything …if you think your friends will tell other
people that might stop..because you want them to be
able to keep it private (Aine, 17)
• R: so it sounds like you’d be careful about telling people
• C: yeah … I know they wouldn’t say anything back
they’re not the type of people I know them for ages …she
wouldn’t tell anyone.. I could confide in any of them
(Caitlin,14)

12. They understand
• If you put them in a circle with people that have different
problems…They might be able to, they’d feel comfortable
that other people have problems too, it’s not only them
cos I felt when I was growing up when I hit my teenage
years I thought I was alone in the world. No one knew
what I was about no one understands where I ‘m coming
from but as I opened up and I admitted it, people
basically knew people did know where I was coming
from, people did understand me
• I was really lucky some people can only find one good
friend to confide in. there’s not many people eh can
understand but if you do find a friend that can know
where you’re coming from you’re better off confiding in
them (Sean, 16)

13. She knew what it was like
• C: Like her uncle did the same to her…so I kinda felt that she
knew what I was going through and she knew cos she
didn’t..her mother and father still don’t know about it because
she knew what I was going through and what I didn’t want to
tell me mother and father
• R: If it hadn’t happened to her?
• C: I wouldn’t have told her
• C: Yeah so I felt comfortable talking to her about it because
she knew what it was like and I knew what it was like so the
two of us could talk to each other about it (Rianach, 15)
• C: and I know (name) wouldn’t say anything back cos it
happened to her
• …so she really confides in me cos she knew that she wasn’t
the only one out there that it happened to (Caitlin, 14)

14. Distrust
• C: No I wouldn’t tell anyone in the school
• R: Why not?
• C: Cos they’d just send rumours around and everyone in the
school would know
• R: They wouldn’t keep it to themselves
• C: No
• (Liam,14)
• R: but you wouldn’t like your friends to know
• C: no
• R: you wouldn’t like to talk about it
• C: not to my friends… probably you’d be scared telling them about
like if they’d go saying it to someone else and then that means
they’ll know and probably like they’ll tell a load of people and then
all them know
• (Eibhlin,14)

15. TELLING ADULTS

16. Helping friends tell
• I had all the friends an the more they told me and explained
and you know told me how big a deal this was the more I
kindof understood and just changed me whole view
• R: mm I’m wondering did that help you or did that actually
make things more complicated?
• C: well I think it helped because the more you understand how
bad it is and you know the whole situation of there’s children
involved and you know (Dympna, 16)
• I just thought, if I told him he’d try to see ..he’d see like a way
make it better dya know what I mean? cos he was fine about
everything else so then when I told him, it felt really useful that
I told him, so I thought maybe it’s time to tell I mean (Mairead,
18)

17. Helping friends tell
• and I think the easier it is for you to tell .. cos you’re
giving yourself more reason to come home and say it
you’re kindof saying ‘well if they don’t believe me you
know that’s their problem’, but at least you know these
are my worries and at the end of the day they’re still her
children and whether she believes me or not … she
could have said ‘well I do believe you but you know he’s
my husband and he can change’ and you know the kids
might want to be around him an all and I don’t mind that,
I can’t do anything about that, but at least you know I
won’t have that pressure of ‘oh I never said anything’
(Rianach, 15)

18. Friends telling parents
• I was smoking hash because she caught me well she
caught me bringing it into school to give to other people
…actually the only reason that she caught me doing that
was because my friend (male) and (female) .. but they
actually came around to my mam and Dad and told them
when I was in school..so that’s how I got caught so they I
think in their own way they did were trying to tell…they
didn’t know even at that time but they knew something
• R: yeah something funny going on yeah
• C: they knew something was like was going on because
like I don’t think that they would have bothered telling if
they didn’t know (Deirdre, 18)

19. Tell your mum
• she goes (Caitlin) you should tell your mam…she just
kept on nagging me ah eh she says (Caitlin) do tell tell
your mam it’s the right thing to do (Caitlin, 14)
• decided to tell him and I told him and he just kindof said
that I had to tell my mam… d’ya know kindof not that I
have to but just kinda advising me to tell her (Deirdre, 18)

20. Friends accompanied
• well my friend was with me when I came home…I was
just real aw right sit down and (friend) was like, she said
‘she just has something to tell you’ and (sis) was like
‘alright’ and then (friend) says ‘are you okay?’ an you
know she kinda didn’t realise that (sis) was kinda looking
at her saying ‘why are you being so you know, what’s
wrong?’, she’s getting upset you know she’s like ‘are you
pregnant or something?’ you know ‘I won’t say anything
you can tell me’ I said ‘no’ (Dympna, 15)
• I was speaking to one of my friends and he was like you
know, ‘tell your Mum’ cos myself and my Mum have a
really close relationship so em he brought me down and I
finally told her (Blathnaid, 17)

21. You have your friends but…
• I had people saying that to me as well like (Blathnaid) ‘what if
he goes and does it again? like why don’t you you just be the
one to deal with it now?’…you’re only a child and you’re facing
up to something that you shouldn’t have to deal with nobody
should have to deal with but then when you don’t want to tell
anybody you don’t have anybody there to support you you
have your friends but you need somebody who knows what
they’re talking about (Blathnaid, 17)
• R: telling friends doesn’t stop it
• C: No I dunno it delays it I suppose
• R: it might em I mean even in your case you still went
babysitting
• C: yeah
• R: even though your friends were saying.. (Dympna, 16)

22. Pressure cooker effect (McElvaney
et al., 2012)
• To tell or not to tell? Both wanting to tell and not wanting
to
• Pressure building up inside
• Conversations with friends: sharing confidences
• Pressure from without
• Being asked by friends

23. To tell or not to tell?
• C: if they tell someone for you, you’d get annoyed but you’ll get over
it…If you tell your friends an they tell someone (sigh)
• R: Then that’s good
• C: (Nod)
• R: Ok, but if you think your friends will tell other people that might
stop..
• C: Then you’re not gonna tell them
• R: Ok because you want them to be able to keep it private
• C: Yeah, but even if they really are your best friend, they’ll tell someone
• R: They would
• C: yeah
• R: Why would they do that?
• C: Cos they wanna help you (Aine, 17)
• I did say it to my friend but then I just be like no I shouldn’t tell
(Dympna, 16)

24. To tell or not to tell?
• C: and then I’m like maybe I shouldn’t because they’re
gonna have to take it on, they’re gonna want to say it to
someone else so they’re not the only one left with this
you know either like I don’t want to put them in the
position I was in but at the same time I’d like to be able to
talk to them and yet at the same you don’t want them to
think any less of you either saying ‘oh you know she’s
after being through that maybe she’s you know’ (Cara, 15)

25. Pressure cooker effect
• we were trying to help her with that and then like out of
nowhere like I just felt like saying it cos it was like built up and
all of a sudden I just said it (Sean, 16)
• yeah em they em like if I said I have to be home to go to
(therapy service) or to see you or anything and they were
like ‘oh where are you going?’ I’d like ‘oh yeah mmm em’
or if I was going to the garda station like ‘why would you
be going to the garda station?’ and I would like ‘oh just’
… and they were like ‘oh what was the big deal anyway
you know?’ and I’d be like ‘oh he just wasn’t nice and it
wasn’t it got bad at some stages’ that’s kinda when I’m
like oh gosh …maybe I should say something to them
(Cara, 15)

26. Role of friends
• Trusted relationships developing in teenage years
• Opportunities for young people to confide in their friends
• Friends will ask..
• Friends will believe..
• Friends will understand..
• Friends will encourage them to tell an adult..
• Telling relieves the pressure cooker effect…for how long?