1. Breaking Through to “Difficult People”
ByMarkGoulston
Dealingwithpeoplecanbehardiftheyareangry,difficult,orupset.Howdoyou reach someonewhen
theyarenolongerlistening?Hereare5 waystobreakthroughtodifficultpeople:
1. “DoYou ReallyBelieveThat?”Whenapersonlaunchesinto an
out-of-controlrantaboutan awfulproblemorunbearable
situation,howit’stheendofthe world,etc.,etc.,simplyask:“Do
youreallybelievethat?”Thetrickistoaskthisquestioninavery
calm and straightforwardway.Yourintentisnottoantagonize
ordegrade,butrathertomakethe ranter stopandrealizethat
heorsheisreallymakingamountainoutof amolehill.Onceina
rarewhile,youmaybeshocked when someonerespondstothis
question withafirm“yes.” Ifthathappens,youshouldreally
listento whatthatpersonhastosay.
2. ThePowerofHmmm… When youencounteraperson who’soutragedandblamesyou,takeadeep
breathandsay“hmmm…”Unlike“calmdown,”andsimilarphrasesthatmakeanangryperson
angrier,“hmmm…”can rapidlyturnapotentialbrawlintoa cooperativedialogue.A simple
“hmmm…”speaksvolumes,tellingpeoplethatwhatthey’resayingisworthlisteningtoandworthyof
somesortofaction.However,“hmmm…” commitsyoutonothing.Thesolepurposeof “hmmm…”is
toeasetensiontothepointwhereyoucanhave aconversation,identifytheactualproblem,and
comeup with arealisticsolution.If you’redealingwitha clientorcustomermeltdown,use“hmmm…”
asyourfirst lineofdefense.
Want to learn more?
Check our new course:
The Secret to Getting
Through to Anyone!

2. 3. TheStipulationGame.A stipulation iswhatlawyersmake whentheyagreeupfronton aproblematic
fact,likethedefendant’sfingerprintsbeingonthemurderweapon.It’sasmarttechniquebecause
whenpeople alreadyknow(or willquicklyfindout)your problem,yourbestmoveisto getitoutof
the way.Whenyoustipulatetoapotentialproblem,whetherit’slackofexperience orapersonalflaw,
doitwithconfidence.Themoreunselfconsciousandrelaxed youare,theeasieritwillbeforeveryone
tofocuson yourmessage.Stipulationtakescourage,butthepayoffisbig.You’llturndefectsinto
assetsandempowerpeopletoviewyouasapersonratherthanaproblem.Youmightevenfindthat
theproblemthat’sbeenholdingyoubackisa keytomovingyouforward.
4. TheImpossibilityQuestion.Yes,youridea isdaringandambitious,but youknowit’spossible.The
problemistalkingotherpeople intoseeingityour way—gettingyourcoworkers,yourclients,your
employees,yourboss,yourinvestors,or yourfamilytogofrom“we can’tdo it”to“maybe wecando
it”to“let’sdoit!”To giveyour visionapowerfulshovetowardsreality,tryaskingdoubterstwo
questions:“What’ssomethingthatwouldbeimpossible?” and “Whatwouldmakeitpossible?”These
questionsmoveapersonfromadefensive,closedpositionoraselfish,excuse-makingstanceinto an
open,thinkingattitude.Whenyou invitepeopletotellyouwhattheythinkisimpossible,they’lllower
theirguardtoconsiderwhat’spossible.Then,they’llbeginto collaborateinthinkingstrategically.
5. ThePowerThankYou.There’snothingwrongwithsimplysaying“Thanks.”Butifyoustopthere,your
communicationismerelytransactional(youdid somethingniceforme,so I’llsaysomethingpoliteto
you).Whenyouoffer aPower ThankYou,your wordswilltouchtheotherpersonand strengthenthe
relationshipbetweenyou.A PowerThankYouhasthreeparts.1:Thankthepersonfor something
specificthatheor shedidfor you (orrefrainedfromdoingthatwouldhavehurtyou).2:Acknowledge
theeffortittookforthepersontohelpyou.3:Tellthepersonthedifferencethathisorheract
personallymadeto you.Offer yourPowerThankYou ina groupmeeting,ifyou can.Itwillshow
everyoneinvolvedthatyoucanbetrustedtogivecreditwhereit’sdue—somethingthat canwinyou
importantalliesinacorporateworldwherepeopletoo often getburnedbydisloyalty.
AdaptedfromJustListen:Discoverthe SecrettoGettingThroughtoAbsolutely Anyone byMarkGoulston
About TheAuthor
MarkGoulston isapsychiatrist,businessconsultant,executivecoach,andformerFBIandpolicehostage
negotiationtrainer.Trainedasa clinicalpsychiatrist,hehelpspeopleincreasetheirabilityto getthroughto
anyone.Hepresentsmanyofthese skillsinhisbook,JUST LISTEN:DiscovertheSecrettoGettingThrough
toAbsolutelyAnyone (AMACOM 2009).GoulstonisamemberoftheInternationalLeadership
Association.Hehasprovidedtraining,executivecoaching,andconsultationtomanycompaniesand
organizations,includingGE,IBM,GoldmanSachs,MerrillLynch,Xerox,DeutscheBank,Hyatt,Accenture,
ADP,StateFarmInsurance,AstraZeneca,BristolMyersSquibb,KaiserPermanente,Kodak,Federal
Express,FBI,LosAngelesDistrictAttorney,White &Case,SeyfarthShaw,UCLA,USC,andPepperdine
University.