Some things i put together when i was in high school and college.

1. The Techies
1 Bible (Section I, The Old Testament)
We the willing
Lead by the unknowing
Will do the impossible
For the ungrateful
In fack we have done so much
For so long with so little
That we are now qualified
To do anything
With absolutely nothing.
2
____________________________________________________________
::Warning:: Things said within these texts may be harmful to actors feelings

2. How To Recognize People In Theatre
Producer:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Sees God regularly.
Director:
Leaps small buildings with a single bound.
More powerful than a switch engine.
As fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.
Playwright:
Leaps tall buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Faster than a B.B.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if a special request is approved.
Designer:
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses a tug of war with a switch engine.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
Actor:
Makes high marks on a wall when trying to leap tall buildings.
Is run over by locomotives.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury.
Walks through water puddles on a rainy day.
Talks to walls.
Chorus:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says, "Look at the Choo Choo!".
Wets himself with a water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Mumbles to himself.
Stage Manager:
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
2

3. Theatre Logic
In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
And of course-
Left is right and right is left
A drop shouldn't and a
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't and
A cove has no water
Tripping is OK
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (In fact a lot of work)
And a green room, thank god, usually isn't
Now that you're fully versed in Theatrical terms,
Break a leg.
But not really.
3

4. Quotes And Jokes
"There are no small parts - only small paychecks"
From a production of Brigadoon when it was determined the Bagpipes
player could not make it to all performances
"We could power staple wee kittens o' varyin' sizes to a board and whack
'em with a hammer to produce a similar sound."
"I'm an actor. What's your excuse?"
I was once working on the lighting design for the Crucible, and when a
cross was hung in the back in front of the cyc, i lit it with an 8"
fresnel from below. Then the director came up to me and said, "The cross
looks evil, i think it should happier to go along with the play.
Some scientist concoct a study, whereby each subject is given a flat
table, four stainless steel balls, and fifteen minutes to create
something. First up, an engineer is sent in. At the end of fifteen
minutes, he has perfectly balanced one ball on top of three, in a
pyramid.
Next, a doctor is tested. After his time is up, he has polished and
sterilized all four ball and lined them up in a row.
Last, they test a stagehand. In fifteen minutes, he has broken two
balls, lost one, and has the fourth one in his pocket and swears the
producer said he could keep it....
What is the show-biz definition of an optimist? -- an accordion player
with a beeper.
A Doctor, Judge, and Actor go to heaven. St. Peter's doing his thing at
the Pearly Gates. He welcomes the doctor and lists his many good deeds,
alleviating suffering, etc. The gates swing open, trumpets sound, angels
sing, and the doctor walks on through.
The Judge is next - Peter said some nice things about his wife & kids,
the merit of devoting one's life to serving justice, etc. The gates
swing opens, trumpets sound, angels sing, and the Judge walks on
through.
Peter turns to the actor, and talks at great length about the many
people he's brought happiness to, benefits he participated in etc.
"Now if you'll just go round to the back that green door is the
kitchen..."
4

5. Another St. Peter Joke...
Three recently deceased individuals are greeted by St. Peter at the
gates of Heaven.
Peter explains that they have yet to reach their final destination. He
will ask them one question and their answer will determine their mode of
transportation to eternal bliss.
He asks the first, "In your best year, how much money did you make?" The
first replies, "$80,000." St. Peter says, "Very good. You take that new
train to your left."
He asks the second, "In your best year, how much money did you make?"
The second replies, "$3,000,000." Peter says, "Bravo. You take the
personal jet to your right."
He asks the third, " In your best year, how much money did you make?"
The third replies, "$2,500." Peter exclaims, "Really? What would I have
seen you in?"
An actor, a costumer and a stage manager found an old bottle in a pile
of junk backstage. The actor rubbed it against her sleeve, and poof! A
genie appeared. "You got me fair & square," the genie said. "So you each
get one wish."
"I want a world tour in a starring role," the actor wished.
"Granted," said the genie.
Poof! The actor was off on her tour.
"I want a yacht and unlimited funds to cruise the exotic ports of the
world," said the costumer.
"Granted," said the genie.
Poof! The costumer was off on his tour.
The stage manager rubbed his chin, and thought a minute....
"I want them back after lunch."
5

6. Famous Techie Last Words...
This page gives some problems that a techie might find in a normal day (or as normal as
they go). From missing actors to fire this page has the problems that we knew were
going to happen but still we became techies.
♦ "It's not that large of a jump."
♦ "See how stable this is, I can jump on it."
♦ "Is that fire?"
♦ "Where is Annie?"
♦ "Is the power off?"
♦ "Is that the fire alarm?"
♦ "The curtain will not open!!!"
♦ "What is that sound?"
♦ "I did turn the sound on."
♦ "I did turn the lights on."
♦ "I did turn the sound/lights off."
♦ "What does this do?"
♦ "Mr. Director, Sir, I can't make it on the night of the show."
♦ "Why is it doing that?"
♦ "I forgot my mini-mag light."
♦ "Sorry about that cue."
♦ "What?"
♦ "What do you mean we changed that?"
♦ "What's this for?"
♦ "Sure it's safe, I wired it myself!"
♦ "Of course they're on the same phase!"
When the mighty techie
god gets mad...
♦ The lights have a flashback to disco.
♦ The sound starts to talk back.
♦ When all the good gels run away.
♦ The props grow legs.
♦ Pyro equipment decides to do something special for that night's show.
♦ When the actors don't stay in the spotlight.
♦ When a light decides to look at the pit.
♦ When a light can't take it anymore and jumps.
♦ All the soda machine has is caffeine-free and diet soda.
6

7. Ways to Spot a Techie
(Homo Sapiens Technius)
Never seems to be home
Has a strange affinity for black clothing
Shortly preceding and during show runs has a fixed, glazed look
Regularly misses morning (and afternoon) lectures due to oversleeping
Seems to have an addiction to cola and other caffeine-filled substances
Eyes light up when "Gaffa Tape" is mentioned
Frequently seen in the coffee shop (even though they are a maximum of 5 mins away from their kitchen)
Shaves once every 3-4 days (when he/she can be arsed)
Half their lecture notes consist of photocopies of someone else's notes
They are able to get innuendo out of anything, no matter how innocent
Blue lights start to look normal
You can recite the location of every plug on stage from memory
You understand tech lingo
The auditorium is your "home away from home"
You dress for the heat on-stage
You can second-guess the stage manager
You're used to "mike noise"
Cleaning the tech room is your idea of fun
You spend your spare time untangling wires
You draw set ideas in your class note margins
People messing with the lights gets on your nerves
Your cordless drill has more power then your car
You know how many flats a gallon of paint will cover
You find empty soda bottles backstage, and think, "Hey, I remember drinking that!"
True Value, and Home Depot becomes a daily trip
You're on a first-name basis with the custodians
You wish more people noticed the set
Gaffer Tape becomes a way of life
Christmas means nothing but extra work
7

8. A Directors Guide to the Care of
Their Stage, Sound and Lighting
Crew...
DO Look after your crew, they can make life easy or extremely difficult.
DO Offer the crew plenty of soda pop and coffee, they work better when
well watered.
DO Remember that the crew like to eat. Just because they work when you
eat, it doesn't mean that they are on a diet.
DO Smile when you ask the impossible - and if you offer soda pop, food
or money in the same sentence, it will considerably improve your
chances.
DO Remember that the crew are not delicate flowers, and occasional
exposure to sunlight is not harmful.
DON'T Ask the crew to start early in the morning as they will have been
up half the night getting someone else out of trouble.
DON'T Bother separating dancers and models from the crew, they are both
endangered species and should be encouraged.
DON'T Forget to invite the crew to the after show party. They probably
won't turn up because of the break-down, but the thought will be
appreciated. If they do attend have plenty of SODA POP available.
FINALLY
DO Remember to look after your crew. If looked after properly they will
give hours of fun and amusement, performing miracles with bits of wire,
nails and gaffer tape for very little reward .
REMEMBER THE STAGE CREW MOTTO:
We the willing, Asked by the unknown, Will do the impossible for the
ungrateful, In fact, we have done so much, for so long with so little,
That we are now, qualified to do anything, with absolutely NOTHING!!
8

9. Tech Talk (A Typical Show)
Once upon a time, Manniquins, one of the nightclubs at Walt Disney
World's Pleasure Island played the ersatz headset chatter from the club
show into the elevator. It went something like this:
SM: Alright people settle in. Who've I got on headset? Lightboard?
LB: Yo
SM: Sound? ... Sound?
Sound: Hello? Hello-o?
SM: I take it you're there?
Sound: Hello-o? I can't hear you.
SM: I TAKE IT YOU'RE THERE
Sound: What? Hello-o
SM: (under his breath) Wonderful. Well that's good enough I suppose.
Followspots? Followspots? No one home. Okay how about fog?
Fog: Here, boss
SM: How many pounds today?
Fog: hundred pounds of dry ice loaded, another two hundred chopped and
ready to go. I can give you zero visibility if you want it.
SM: Great. Followspots? ... Followspots? Okay how 'bout flies?
Flies: Yes sir, all present and accounted, sir, safety check is complete
and all flying scenery is A-OK. Roger Wilco, 10-4, and ready when you
are C.B.
SM. right. Has anybody seen the followspots?
Flies: Last I saw they were down onstage arguing with Nutsy
SM: Nutsy huh. Nutsy! Hello Stage right?
Nutsy: What do you want - we're busy here.
SM: I'm looking for two spot operators
Nutsy: Why didn't you say so, they're right here.
SM: Ask them if they would grace us with their presence on their lamps.
Nutsy: They said "in a minute"
SM: Remind them I'm they're boss
Nutsy: They said "so what"
SM: Remind them they're cutting into their next break.
Nutsy: They're on their way
SM: Good. How are things on stage?
Nutsy: Just peachy.
Sound: Hello-o? Are the wireless mics preset?
SM: Sound is that you?
Sound: (singsong) If anyone's listening could someone they tell if the
wireless mics are out?
Nutsy: (singsong) Yellow, Orange and Blue are out, Brown's still here.
SM: Sound, who's got the brown mic?
Sound: Are we going total track or live to track today? Hello-o
SM: I think it's Jason. Nutsy, please tell Jason to pick up his mic.
Sound, we're live to track today do you copy?
Nutsy: Jason says he wants another color. Mauve perhaps.
9

10. SM: Just tell him to take the mic. Gosh there's gotta be an easier way
to make a living.
Nutsy: He said he'll settle for beige.
SM: So, do we have any beige tape.
Nutsy: I've got some real old white.
SM: That'll do. Tell Jason he owes me one. ... On second thought,
nevermind. Sound?
Sound: Hello-o
SM: Hello, the Brown wireless is now "Beige"
Sound: Hello-o. Can anybody hear me? What's going on out there?
SM: Okay folks we gotta get going here. Followspots are you there yet?
... Alright you're not. Here's the plan.
Tracy: Hi guys, whatcha talkin' about?
SM: Who is this?
Tracy: It's me - Tracy.
SM: Tracy get off the headset. Spot2, Your first pickup will be Jason
upstage right with the brown - excuse me with the beige microphone on a
1-2 combination.
Tracy: I can't find my character shoes?
SM: Why do you need character shoes to run a follow spot?
Tracy: I'm not running a spot, I'm dancing in the show.
SM: Alright flycues 2 & 3 - who is thi - Tracy
Nutsy: who else, I'd recognize that squeak anywhere.
Flies: She doesn't squeak.
Tracy: Is that you Donny? Where are you?
SM: Running on fog? Machines 4 & 5. Sound you've got the orange mic
followed by the beige.
Flies: I'm at the pinrail.
SM: Warning, electrics 15 thru 19. Warning manual flashes on preset 5.
Tracy: What do you do over there?
Flies: I make all the stuff go up and down.
Nutsy: Isn't that precious.
SM: That's enough people. Tracy get off the head set and go to your
place, please.
Tracy: Party-pooper. (chipper) Bye!
SM: Goodbye Tracy.
Flies: (fondly) So Long, Tracy
Nutsy: Say Goodnight, Tracy
Sound: Have we started yet?
Tracy: I don't get it
SM: Tracy quiet! Okay, we're standing by on spots, fog and electrics.
Fog: Fog's ready, I got a hundred pounds ready another two hundred
SM: Yeah-yeah
Flies: Monorail's ready
SM: Spot 1 your first pickup will be Jason, stageright, with the brown
microphone
Nutsy: Beige
SM: Brown-Beige-Tan, whatever, he's the only guy up there
Nutsy: and that's a stretch.
LB: He's a method actor
Sound: I hope somebody lets me know when it's time to start
SM: Spot 2 your first pickup will be on Tracy who should be
downstageleft in the silver leotard
10

11. Flies: Better make that pink
Nutsy: Yeah, the ditsy blonde in pink
SM: Alright, pink. Ready spot 1 & 2 2 in a 1-to-2 combination,
turntable, Fog 4 & 5 with F/X maniquins
Flies: She's not blonde, she's a brunette
Nutsy: She's got a blonde wig on
Flies: Oh
SM: Electrics 15 - GO, Spot 1 on Orange mic GO, Turntable
Fog: Looks like we got another leak in the hose on the number five fog
machine
SM: Fly2 and Spot1 fadeout. GO, Electrics 16 GO Nutsy did you copy that,
we've got a leak
Fog: It's a real leaker sir, we better do something fast or this could
get messy
SM: Flies 3 and Spot 2 GO, Orange out, GO, Brown out, GO, Kill the Fog.
... I repeat, KILL THE FOG
Flies: I don't think he heard you sir, he's got his headset off, and
he's playing with >something< behind the motorboard stageleft
Sound: Just out of curiosity, can anyone hear anything I'm saying?
SM: Standby on soft columns, standby on mirrorball and electics 17.
Nutsy are you there yet?
Flies: Sir, he's crawling back over to his chair, AND HE'S SMILING - I
think he fixed it!
SM: Fixed what - the hose? Standby on Spots 1&2 to pickup Melissa and
Andrea upcenter in a clear
Sound: Hello?
SM: Ready spots, Spots GO and soft columns GO.
Sound: Hello-o
SM: Sound, is that You? Spot2 to half. Dowse the with Electrics 18 and
lose the Brown. Ready, GO. HelloSound?
Nutsy: No, It's Nutsy, we got a problem.
SM: Spots set in UV filter. Nutsy, I've heard.
Nutsy: We've got a PROBLEM with the TURNTABLE
SM: Spots you'll strip in and cover a cross shot that -- the turntable,
what sort of problem?
Nutsy: It doesn't seem to be operating correctly - IT'S GOIN' THE WRONG
WAY
SM: The wrong way?
Tracy: Hey, didn't my spot go out sooner than normal?
SM: Tracey, Get OFF the headset. The wrong way?
Tracy: Is it because I'm not in my silver leotard?
SM: Spots GO. What happened to the leak?
Nutsy: What Leak?
Sound: Hello, HELLO
SM: The leak in the hose.
Tracy: Who's hose?
Flies: Hi, Tracy
SM: Nutsy, just shut it down, we're going to have to keep going.
Sound: What do you mean, Nutsy. THIS IS SOUND. Where've you guys been?
SM: Sound! Really, Sound, Is there something I can do for you?
Sound: I just thought you'd want to know, I got a call from out front.
It seems there's a short or something.
11

12. SM: Standby f/x maniquins, Standby to follow - What do you mean a short
or something
Sound: Well, we're passing the elevator speaker somehow
SM: We're in the Elevator
Sound: Yeah, they can hear everything that we're saying
SM: Aw sh-
Tracy: The elevator, Wow, Hi all you people in the elevator
Nutsy: What are we doing here, I don't see no leak
Tracy: Anyone seen my silver leotard
SM: Sound can you kill it please
Sound: I'm looking, I'M LOOKING
Tracy: Hi Daddy, It's Tracy
SM: Sound do something kill it, kill it before we all get fired
Sound: Ok - I'll try this (massive static squeal)
Then it starts all over again:
SM: Alright people settle in. Who've I got on headset? Lightboard?
12

13. Techie's Prayer (Part |)
Our father who art in France, Fresnel be thy name
Our time will come when our set is done here as it is
done in Los Angles
Give us this day our daily hammering
And forgive us of our mistakes
As we forgive those actors who think they can do the show without us
And lead us not into an angry theatre manager, but deliver us from wood
knots
For thine is the stage brace, the leader tape, and the scene shop
From cue 1 to 89
A cue.
13

14. THEATER TERMS DEFINED
Actor Proofing:
Making your set, props, costumes, etc, able to survive the blatant
disrespect and misuse that an actor will give it. An actor will break it
if it can be broken, lose it if it can't, trip on it if it is minding
it's own business.
Actors: (As defined by a set designer)
People who stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view.
That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way.
Assistant Director:
Individual willing to undertake special projects that nobody else would take on a bet,
such as working one-on-one with the brain-dead actor whom the rest of the cast has
threatened to take out a contract on.
Bandsaw:
1. A really big machine that can cut big pieces of wood and actors who
disobey.
2. What the pit musicians see during a musical. (LOL I pulled a
Johnson!!)
Bedroom Farce:
Any play which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot
of doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of which feature the phrase "typical community
theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed paradoxically by a frantic attempt
to schedule more performances to accommodate the overflow crowds.
Bit Part:
An opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's lines and
mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.
Blocking Rehearsal:
A rehearsal taking place early in the production schedule where actors frantically
write down movements which will be nowhere in evidence by opening night.
Blocking:
The art of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with flats,
the walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing chess,
except that the pawns want to argue with you.
Catwalk:
The hottest place on earth, it is to the Techie what the Batcave was to
Batman.
Cherry Coke:
The Holy Water of Tech Crew.
Dark Night:
The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors
And crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and instead spend the night
staring sleeplessly at the ceiling because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal.
14

15. Dark Spot:
An area of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light,
and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is never
evident before opening night.
Director:
1. The individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is responsible for every
moment of brilliance cited by the critic in the local review.
2. Wise, powerful person who is also caring and understanding.
Dress rehearsal:
Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as actors attempt to
Maneuver among the 49 objects that the set designer added at 7:30 that evening.
Duct Tape:
1. A type of tape that can fix almost anything.
2. Tape which leaves a gooky, next to impossible to remove residue on
XLR cables.
Eternity:
The time that passes between a dropped cue and the next line.
Freshmen:
They who sweep the stage. (a.k.a. Frosh)
Gaffer Tape:
The best type of tape ever made. There is nothing it can't do.
Glue:
1. A sticky substance that is used to help hold stuff in place while
being hammered or screwed.
Example: Liquid Nails
2. What actors use for face masks.
Green Room:
Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious children whose
actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation which can result in
justifiable homicide.
Hammer:
1. Device used to secure nails into things like wood and actor's eyes.
2. What techie imposters use to secure screws.
Hands:
Appendages at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a
stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly, fidget
nervously, or try to hide in your pockets.
Headset:
1. The true sign of power.
2. A piece of equipment used by techies to communicate about the play
during the performance.
3. A piece of equipment used by techies to complain about actors in the
play during the performance
15

16. Home Depot:
Heaven.
Impossible:
Sorry, not in this vocabulary
Light Booth:
Where the cool kids hang out.
Light Crew:
Without them you just can't see nothin', trust me, I know.
Lighting Director:
Individual who, from the only vantage-point offering a full view of the stage, gives
the stage manager a heart attack by announcing a play-by-play of everything that's
going wrong.
Makeup Kit:
1. Among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box loaded with at
least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation, tubes of lipstick and
blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe hair, liquid latex, old programs,
jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past shows, brushes and a handful of half-
melted cough drops;
2. For first-time male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow.
Makita: (note: Replaced by Porter-Cable)
In terms of screwdrivers, drills, saws, etc; the best power tool known
to tech.
Message Play:
Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile," "a challenge to actors and
audience alike," or "designed to make the audience think." Critics will be impressed
both by the daring material and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have
the house all to themselves.
Mistake:
1. Anything the audience can see during the performance that shouldn't
be seen.
2. When the director notices something "wrong" with a techie's work
Monologue:
That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is desperately
aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him.
Paint Brush:
1. A tool used to apply paint. It comes in many different sizes.
2. What actors use to apply paint to their faces.
Paint:
1. A substance that is applied to various things to change the color.
2. What actors use for face paint.
16

17. Pit Musician:
A musician who plays during a musical, usually found down in front of
the stage. A step above actors in social classification, yet cheaper to
replace.
Play:
A bunch of cool looking sets that people admire but their admiration is
hampered by a group of un-important nobodies talking nonsense in front
of them.
Porter-Cable:
In terms of screwdrivers, drills, saws, etc; the best power tool known
to tech.
Prop / Property:
1. Something that an actor uses during the play, usually found by a
techie.
2. A hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it’s
needed on stage.
Quality Theater:
Any show with which you were directly involved.
Set / Set Piece:
1. Any large piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield
between themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves
to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the audience from
seeing that they actually have legs
2. An obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the Laws of
physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same amount of
space.
3. The world the techies build for actors to live in during the run of a
show.
Stage Crew:
1. Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute stretches of
total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless panic.
2. There ain't no show without 'em.
Stage Manager:
1. Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising the set changes, baby-
sitting the actors and putting the director in a hammerlock to keep him from killing
the actor who just decided to turn his walk-on part into a major role by doing magic
tricks while he serves the tea.
2. The most advanced techies.
Stage Right, Stage Left:
Two simple directions that actors pretend not to understand in order to drive directors
crazy. ("No, no, your OTHER stage right!")
Strike:
The time immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew-members are
required to stay and dismantle, or watch the two people who own Makita screw drivers
dismantle, the set.
17

18. Superfrosh:
A freshman of extraordinary technical ability.
Tech week:
The last week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before
finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress rehearsal
night when costumes rip, the light board decides to lock its self, a dimmer pack
catches fire and the director has a nervous breakdown. Also known as hell week.
Techator:
A person who possesses both the skills of an actor and a techie. Few
exist.(cough Orleman! cough)
Techie:
The under-appreciated, over-worked, behind-the-scenes workers of the
play.
Technical Director:
The head techie who has control over all the other techies.
The Fore-Brain:
The part of an actors brain which contains lines, blocking and characterization;
activated by hot lights.
The Hind-Brain:
The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running subtext in the background while the
forebrain is trying to act. The hind-brain supplies a constant stream of unwanted
information, such as who is sitting in the second row tonight, a notation to seriously
maim the crew member who thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the
fake Bloody Marys, or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.
Theater Curse:
Saying the true name of "The Scottish Play" by Shakespeare in a theater.
The only cure is to leave the theater, spin around three times, spit,
swear, and ask for permission to re-enter.
Turkey:
Every show with which you were not directly involved.
18

19. SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN THE THEATRE TOO
LONG
01. Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
02. "Q" is not just a letter.
03. National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
04. You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "Green Room"
05. You can only read from a light that is blue.
06. You consider the red part of the stoplight the "standby."
07. You can't remember what daylight looks like.
08. You feel naked without your keys attached to your belt loop, or your belt without
your Maglite, Leatherman, and Gerber.
09. You know tie line has several uses: shoelaces, belts, ponytail holders, et cetera.
10. 95% of your wardrobe is black.
11. You watch the Super Bowl, waiting for intermission, not half time.
12. You know anything can be fixed with gaff tape, Mortite, sculpter-coat, a sharpie,
tie line, and a safety pin.
13. Your diet consists of fast food or microwave food.
14. Your Halloween costume in some way utilizes running blacks and gaff tape.
15. You understand the jokes in Forbidden Broadway.
16. You insist on spelling "theatre" with an "re" not an "er".
17. People recognize you by the sound of your keys jingling down the hallway.
18. You'd heard of Mandy Patinkin before he was on Chicago Hope.
19. "Practical" and "flat" are nouns.
20. Instead of saying that you're leaving, you say you're "exiting."
21. At home, you "strike" your dishes to the kitchen.
22. If someone asks you what time it is, you respond with something like: "Half hour
'til half hour."
23. You have an insatiable need to coil all the cable in your house correctly.
24. The gaffer tape residue on your hands has become a second skin.
25. In the back pocket of all your black jeans, there is a faded area resembling a
wrench.
26. Cherry Coke, Jolt Cola and Coffee are your new best friends.
Along with other various vending machines.
27. You find yourself waiting at the bus stop, in the summer, when it's 95° in the
shade, wearing black pants, a black "Production Crew" t-shirt, black boots / shoes,
a black schoolbag, and black sunglasses.
28. You've read the Techie Gospel so many times, you start to question why God didn't
use Techies.
29. You give and / or receive MagLites for special occasions.
30. You own promotional items from tech companies.
31. You keep a list of creative ways to impale actors.
32. You paint your room black.
33. You tell more stories of what went wrong on shows you've done than what went
smoothly.
34. You start wondering what it feels like to be a prop.
35. Varying your diet means ordering the #2 instead of the #3 or eating with your left
hand instead of your right.
36. Going to a restaurant means ordering and sitting down in McDonald's rather than the
drive-thru.
19

20. 50 Things You DON'T Say, Or
Wont Hear In A Theatre
From The Light Techie
1. Why are the lights not coming on?
2. Does anyone remember where I got this fuse from?
3. Well I have a safety chain and a wingnut left over.
4. I have just spilt coke on the lighting desk.
5. What does this "delete scenes" thing mean?
6. You remember that key for the light dimmers that we were going to
duplicate, well its too late now.
7. You do know you are taking 26 amps from a 13 amp socket.
8. Is that hum supposed to come from the PA when the lights turn on? Oh
don't worry its stopped now.
9. You know that no-colour blue, its green.
10. You know we just spent two days rigging 86 lights, well every time I
turn on the lights it trips the circuit breaker.
11. Don't panic but.....
12. Oh I knew there was something I had forgotten.
From Anyone At The Technical Rehearsal
13. It looks, as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.
14. Take your time setting back.
15. There's plenty of room for more lanterns over here.
16. We've been ready for hours.
17. The headsets are working perfectly.
18. The cue lights are working perfectly.
19. I can't hear the band.
20. The band has no complaints.
21. The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.
22. That didn't last long.
The Actor
23. Don't let's talk about me.
24. I really think my big scene should be cut.
25. This costume is so comfortable.
26. I love my shoes.
27. No problem - I can do that for myself.
28. No problem; I have a fantastic agent.
29. I have no prospects of work for the foreseeable future.
30. Let me stand down here with my back to the audience.
20

21. From The Stage Crew
31. That lantern is not in the way.
32. It may take a moment - I want to be sure the booms haven't been
knocked.
33. We'll get in early tomorrow and do it.
34. No, no. I'm sure that's our job.
35. Anything I can do to help?
36. All the tools are carefully locked away.
37. Can we do that scene change again please?
38. It's a marvelous show.
39. I don't need this many on the crew.
40. Thanks, but I don't drink.
From The Electrics Crew
41. I must mend the kettle in the publicity office.
42. This equipment is more complicated than we need.
43. Of course I can operate sound from here.
44. Be sure to keep that lantern away from the flying pieces.
45. No problem. I'll do that straight away.
46. All the equipment is working perfectly.
47. That had nothing to do with the computer - it was my fault.
48. I have all the equipment I need.
49. Can anyone see a problem here?
50. MACBETH.
21

22. NOTICE!
Clean-up Fees:
Killing or maiming an actor: $10
Killing or maiming a dancer: $20
Killing or maiming a stagehand: $50 (to disinfect area)
Killing or maiming pit musicians: NO CHARGE
An additional $10 is charged if the House has to dispose of the body. In
cases where the injured party is at fault, the fine will be assessed to
their estate. Fines are assessed per incident Group rates are available
Sound Fines:
FRONT-OF-HOUSE OFFENCES
• Missed pickup $ 20.00
• Missed tape cue $ 20.00
• Late tape cue $ 50.00
• Early tape cue $ 75.00
• Wrong tape cue $ 150.00
• Going on an uncalled cue $ 10.00
• Not going on an uncalled cue $ 500.00
• Failure to bail out clueless stage manager $ 0.01
• Unauthorized bailing out of clueless stage manager OSTRACISM
• Failure to duck out offensive orchestral players $ 35.00
• Failure to duck out offensive vocalizations $ 55.00
• Feedback $ 100.00
• Falling asleep at console $ 20.00
• Causing feedback by falling asleep at console $ 150.00
• Audible snoring at console $ 75.00
• Making audible rude comments on the performance $ 5.00
• Failure to maintain correct mixing levels $ 150.00
• Failure to correct glaring errors caused by designer $ 50.00
• Correcting glaring errors caused by designer LOSS OF JOB
22

23. WIRELESS OFFENSES
• Failure to mute faulty wireless $ 100.00
• Failure to mute wireless when actor is not on stage $ 50.00
• Failure to mute wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 2.00
• Recording wireless while actor is in bathroom $ 0.00
• Recording wireless while actor is gossiping $ 0.00
• Listening to wireless gossip on headphones WHO'LL KNOW?
• Self-serving use of wireless gossip $ 5,000.00
BACKSTAGE OFFENSES
• Overzealous transmitter changes on opposite sex cast members
$ 69.00
• Overzealous transmitter changes on same sex cast members
$ 66.00
• Recycling batteries $ 20.00
• Failure to recycle batteries $ 150.00
• Failure to share vast wealth from recycling batteries with Stage
Manager DEATH
GENERAL OFFENSES
• Excessive whining $ 10,000.00
• Excessive cheerfulness $ 15,000.00
• Hiding/sleeping during load-in ELECTROCUTION
• Hiding/sleeping during load-out HANGING
23

24. Acting Fines:
• Sleepwalking $25.00
• Overacting $20.00
• Pushing your way to Center Stage $50.00
• Annoying Mannerisms $75.00
• Zoning Out $15.00
• Waiting for the Bus $25.00
• Tasteless improvisation $95.00
• Ungodly Noises (Non-Musicall) $300.00
Makeup Fines:
• Invisible $35.00
• Grotesque $75.00
• Late Stage Entrance $45.00
• Unscheduled Stage Entrance $75.00
• Criminal Halitosis/Odors $100.00
• Restaging Yourself at Colleagues' Expense $45.00
• Unbridled PMS/Distemper $65.00
General Choreographic Fines:
• Watching your feet $50.00
• Tripping over your own feat $75.00
• Watching colleagues' feet $100.00
• Tripping over colleagues' feet $150.00
• Standing on colleagues train $50.00
• Assault with Props $90.00
• Uninvited Directing $500.00
• Scratching during Freeze $50.00
• Falling Asleep during freeze $80.00
• Obscene use of kneepads $90.00
• Using a colleague as a prop $100.00
• Staring and Bobbing $50.00
• Shaking front your Own vibrate $50.00
• Looking at Director/Conductor, shaking head $100.00
24

25. Offensive Gestures:
• Undirected Dementia $50.00
• Cloyingly Precious $100.00
• Faux-Burch $20.00
• Failing to attempt Faux-Butch where needed $90.00
Shameless Sucking up to:
• Principals $100.00
• Staff $200.00
• Mincing, Lisping. or Prancing $45.00
• Lurching or Lumbering $45.00
• Volunteering yourself for staging $1.00
• Volunteering colleagues for staging $ 900.00
• Acting backstage $75.00
• Hand signals as acting $20.00
• Semaphore as acting $40.00
• Telegraphy as acting $80.00
• Blinking Lights as acting $160.00
• Aircraft Landing Signals as acting $320.00
• Backstage references to 'Motivation' $90.00
• Physically contorting from colleagues singing $50.00
• Performing while slightly intoxicated $50.00
• Performing while Massively intoxicated $100.00
• Performing while comatose $200.00
• Stealing scene with animal imitation $100.00
• Stealing scene while unconscious $50.00
• Mouthing the words to principal parts $75.00
Your attention is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your cooperation.
***(NOTICE FAILURE TO: PAY FINES MAY RESULT IN SUSPENSION OF YOUR ARTISTIC LICENSE)
25

26. Techie Christmas List
TOOLS
ℜ Screw Guns
ℜ Hammers
ℜ Duct Tape
ℜ Glue
ℜ Glow Tape
ℜ Paint
ℜ Paint Brushes
ℜ Drop Cloths
ℜ Band Saw
ℜ WOOD
ℜ Stable Flats
ℜ Wrenches
ℜ Bolts
ℜ Screws
ℜ Nails
ℜ Hand Saw
ℜ Drill
ℜ Paint Roller
ℜ Flashlight
ℜ Gaffer, Gaffer, Gaffer, Gaffer
ℜ Did I mention Gaffer!
SHOW EQUIPMENT
ℜ Fresnels
ℜ Gels
ℜ New Lighting Board
ℜ New Sound Board
ℜ Headsets
ℜ Fly System that doesn't rely on cranks
ℜ Lighting/Sound Charts
ℜ Chair with wheels
ℜ FLKs !!!
26

27. CLOTHING
ℜ Black Sweater
ℜ Black Pants
ℜ Black Shoes
ℜ Black Gloves
ℜ Black Socks
ℜ Black Undergarments
ℜ Black T-Shirt
ℜ Black Sweatshirt
ℜ Black, indiglo watch
ℜ Black Hat
FOOD RELATED ITEMS
ℜ Cherry Coke
ℜ Pizza
ℜ HIT Cookies
ℜ Potato Chips
ℜ Black Cooler
ℜ Hardee's coupons
LITERATURE
ℜ Anything by Edgar Allan Poe
ℜ Full Length Plays (other than the Scottish Play)
ℜ Monologue Books
ℜ Short Act Plays
ℜ Books on tech theatre
ℜ Gam, Lee, Rosco Swatch book
ℜ Gobo Catalog
DREAM GIFTS
ℜ Inteligent Director
ℜ Inteligent Actors
ℜ The ability to bend the laws of physics
27

28. Song of the Stage Hands
We work in the wings at various things
That nobody sees from the stalls:
You don't think of us unless there's a fuss
And bits of the scenery falls.
But what would be seen of the old Fairy Queen
If the Palace came down on her head?
The actors may bark: but if they're in the dark
It don't matter what Shakespeare said.
It's the same thing wherever you go:
The bloke in the front gets the show.
But where would he be if it wasn't for we -
Working away in the wings?
It looks all serene: you see a new scene -
From the bed-chamber, say to the yacht.
But you'd change your mind
If you came round behind
And saw what a job we have got.
We lower the mast but the damn thing sticks fast:
The rigging is foul of the punt.
We push houses round,
but we don't make a sound,
For the hero's proposing in front
And then, when we change to the wood
With the moon coming up as it should.
Well, give us a hand, the invisible band
Working away in the wings.
But still we're all proud
that we're part of the crowd
That's pulling the jolly old strings:
For, bless you, we know
we're as much in the show
As the fellow who dances or sings.
28

29. We've got no bouquets,
and they don't wait for days
To see us come out of the door.
We can't write a play,
but if we go away
There won't be no plays any more.
But there - though we bark we don't bite:
It'll be right on the night.
Enjoy yourselves, do:
for we'll see you through
Working away in the wings.
29

30. Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: One, but 500 auditioned for the part.
A: Three. One to actually do it, and two more to discuss how they would have done it better.
A: "Excuse me, but you have people to do that? I have to get into character"
A: None. Complain to the director at notes.
Q: How many Architects does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get planning permission for the new one.
Q: How many Artistic Directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?
Q: How many Assistant Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But he/she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Q: How many Audience Members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to do it and another to say to the third, "ROSE, HE'S CHANGING THE LIGHT BULB."
Q: How many Backstage Crew does it take to change a light bulb?
A: EIGHT. One person to get the scaffolding out, put the scaffolding up, turn off the LD90's take the blown
lamp out, find a replacement, stick it in, reset the LD90 MCB, turn the channel back up, climb up the tower,
refocus the light, take the tower down and put it away. The other seven sit in the booth, supervise, and
broadcast helpful comments over the tannoy.
Q: How many Carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's job.
Q: How many Critics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them - 1 to be highly critical of the design elements, 1 to express contempt for the glow of the bulb,
1 to lambast the interpretation of wattage used, 1 to critique the performance of the bulb itself, 1 to recall
superb lightbulbs of past seasons and lament how this one fails to measure up, and all to join in the refrain
reflecting on how they could build a better light bulb in their sleep.
Q: How many Dancers does it take to change a light bulb
A: 301, 1 to change it and 300 to say how good the old one was...
Q: How many Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, No Two, No One, No... Can I see Two again?
A: None. Give a note to the stage manager.
A: 3...no, make that 4...on second thought 3... well, better make it 5 just to be safe.
30

31. Q: How many dramaturgs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The lightbulb was invented by Thomas A. Edison and patented in 1880. A high-resistance carbonated
filament encased in a vacuum tube is heated with electricity to the point where it will glow but not burn...
Q: How many IATSE Technicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 20 - you got a problem with that?
Q: How many Lighting Designers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: After a long conference, it was decided to use several fresnels, an ellipsodal, warm tones for a cozy
atmosphere and a strobe to effect lightning striking in the background, for that stormy effect. Also several
gobos will be used for tree patterns on the cyc. What was the question again?
Q: How many Lighting Techies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, if it was working once, they know better than to mess with it
Q: How many Master Electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't change bulbs, only halogen lamps. It's a props problem.
Q: How many Producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: How many did it take last time?
A: What's wrong with the old one?
Q: How many Props Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Light bulb?! When did they get a lamp?
Q: How many Set Designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, 'But the bulb I want has to be from Fraaaance' (In a Whineey voice)
A: Does it have to be a light bulb? How about a nice candelabra, or a pretty sconce. Maybe a Victorian
chandelier.
Q: How many Sound Techies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One!! Two!! Check!! One!! Two!! Chss-Ch-Chss-Check-One!!
A: 10, 1 to do the job and 9 to say that they would do it better!
A: None. It's an LX problem.
Q: How many Stage Hands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, if they can find a lamp big enough and figure out how to get inside it.
A: None, they know they'll be killed if they mess around with lights
Q: How many Stage Managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's a job for the head electrician
A: None. Pull the technical director off of a set installation to deal with it.
A: I DON'T CARE!!! JUST DO IT!!!
A: It's on my list...It's on my list...
Q: How many Theatre Students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Erm, what's the deadline, cos I may need an extension.
Q: How many Technical Directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Call the master electrician at home to fix it.
31

32. The Plan: Techie's
version
In the beginning there was the Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was without substance
And darkness was upon the face of the Techies.
And they spoke amongst themselves saying, 'It is a crock of shit and it stinketh.'
And the Techies went to the Stage Manager and said, 'It is a pile of dung, and none may abide by the odor
thereof.'
And the Stage Manager went unto the Production Manager saying, 'It is a container of excrement, and it is
very strong, such that none may abide by it.'
And the Production Manager spoke amongst the Directors saying, 'It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may
abide by its strength.'
And the Directors went unto the Producers saying one to the other, 'It contains that which aids plant growth,
and it is very strong.'
And the Producers then went to the Backers saying unto them, 'It promotes growth and is very powerful.'
And the Backers sent forth the publicity saying unto the Public, 'This new plan will actively promote the
growth and vigor of the production, with powerful effects to be felt all the way to the audience!!!'
And the Public looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And the Techies looked upon the Policy and saw that it was nothing but the same old shit with a new name.
And thus, shit happens
32

33. The Techie Gospel
We hold this truth to be self-evident:
That all TECHIES are created superior.
Genesis
In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights
or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical
Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be
Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights.
Spotlights and specials, Practical and back lighting, lights of all
shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well
aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there
darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening
and the morning were the First Day.
And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in
light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the
TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the
TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms,
wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according
to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a
place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening
and the morning were the Second Day.
And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be,
they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open
air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was
moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES
worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they
were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.
And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth
in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not due. And the
Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew
and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according
to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go
forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were
good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.
33

34. And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in
silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!":
and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according
to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the
sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the
Fifth Day.
And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God
had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished
sooner.
34

35. Proverb
Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days
of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught
short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you
shall not make them your self, and again, as we have been told from on
old, to thine own self be true.
1. Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely
as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose
or break them.
2. When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these
things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so
shall he change his mind.
3. Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought
and are easily confused.
4. Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are
uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
5. Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with
thy strength.
6. Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
7. Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.
8. Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he
is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
9. Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk
with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of
missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
10. Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like
unto you and are blind in the dark.
11. Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and
watch and get crushed.
12. Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper
moment to do so.
13. Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as
children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to
speak softly and not in anger.
14. Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how
he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of
thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and
rejoice.
15. And above all, get carried away not with the glow-tape, or thy
stage will be like unto an airport.
35

36. Exodus
And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffer Tape delivered unto the
TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffer. And, soon, does the
Gaffer Tape leave the store, to be used by the TECHIES in pursuit of
excellence in their techie activities, and also in various activities
with fair TECHIE maidens. And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried
at the amount of Gaffer used, for while much use of Gaffer does surely
lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence, the year must be split in
two: 6 months of plenty, following the delivery of Gaffer unto the
TECHIES, and 6 months of famine, when the Gaffer must surely run out.
Words to the Techies
Remember always that thou art a TECHIE, born to walk the dark places of
the stage, and know the secret ways of thy equipment. To your hands it
is given to mold the dreams and thoughts of they that watch, and to make
the Stage a separate place and time. Seek not, as do the actors, to go
forth in light upon the stage, for though they strut and talk and put on
airs, their craft does truly depend on you, to shape the dreams that
they would show.
Remember also that although they depend on you, you exist only to aid
them. Remember that thou art a team, for thou shalt party together.
My friends be not deceived by deluded actors masquerading as TECHIES.
Remember always the signs by which thou shalt recognize a true TECHIE:
they move softly during scene changes, not stumbling or falling; they
are silent backstage and are aware of what is happening; they can speak
with knowledge of Tools; they respect another's job and aid where they
can; they do not just stand and watch.
Amen.
36

37. Our Proscenium
O, Proscenius, who art way up in the rigging, hallowed be Thy Name. Thy
show-week come, Thy miter-saw run.
Give us this day our set design, and forgive us our trespasses at cast
parties, as we forgive those who go wild with Thy Glow-tape. Lead us
into Temptation, and deliver us from the actors. Proscenius is our TD,
who maketh the Makitas' to run, and who giveth us the strength to pound
nails. O most magnificent and merciful majesty, Master of the universe,
Protector of the meek, whose nose we are not fit to pick and scrape, we
beseech thee to give us a successful show and a good bake sale. We
humbly request that thou allow us to not screw up Thy Light and Sound
Cues, and to make the scene changers move swiftly, invisibly and
silently.
As we believe that thou created the stage, we believe that thou shalt
supply us with an audience which will laugh at the funny parts, cry at
the sad parts, clap at the good parts, and clap at the bad parts.
Finally, Lord of the Scenedock, just as thou walkest with us through the
Pit of death, we ask that thou keep Woody's head perpetually young, our
TD's perpetually competent, and ourselves perpetually insane. In the
name of Proscenius, Haigha, and the Great Yak. Ah, men.
Evening Prayers
(Inside Joke)
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lobster my set to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lobster my set to break.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lobster my do-list keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lobster my place to take.
Now I sit down for a spell,
I pray the Lobster my lights to gel,
And if I die upon my tush,
I pray the Lobster my cross-faders push.
Now I sit upon stage right,
I pray the play goes well tonight,
And if the audience is not pleased,
I pray the neurotoxin be released.
37

38. Burial of the Set
Sawdust thou art, and unto sawdust shalt thou return.
Birth Of A Techie
And lo' a Parcan in yonder western sky, did shine with light. The vapid
Frosh was attracted to its golden glow but alas there was no room in the
booth. "Try the Set storage room in the old business wing where ye may
well be able to find a place among the old damp sets of yesteryear." So
the fair techie child arrived at the portal to the lowly room and
stepped through to find its techie parents who had returned for Froshes
week. The Frosh was quickly converted to techieism and began uttering
the sacred words of `gaffer', and `lecko' were among the pronouncements.
And low on the second day three members of the ruling party of techie
land did arrive bearing gifts of wonderment.
The first bought the backstage headset for communication is the second
most holy virtue.
The second wearing a cape of black velvet bought the sacred roll of
gaffer for no techie can be truly fulfilled without the wonderment of
the gaffer.
The third adorned in strange headwear bought a strange cable which he
described as "shedloads of these to shedloads of these."
The techie was truly amazed and grateful.
The three then left but not before promising full and comprehensive
training to all new Frosh techies. At this the techie parents could bare
the silence no longer and burst into tears.
On the third day three more wise men/persons arrived.
Instead of gifts they bought pearls of wisdom.
The first, the director, spoke of the promised land, "One day you shall
enter the promised land, the new theatre will be completed."
The second spoke of the treatment of lowly things, "Don't drag the
chairs across the floor, on second thought drag as you like, for it will
scuff up the shinny black pain that a techie impersonator did lay."
The third and finally visitor just stood there in silence for the masters were down
and the amps were turned off. So no-one could hear St. Luke offer to buy
a round of drinks.
38

39. The Script of Techsodus
Scene I
1. And the Children of Vanalstyne were fruitful, and increased like
unto Rabbits, and they became a Great people.
2. And there rose up a new King of the Actorites, who knew not the
ways of the Theatre.
3. And he said unto his people, Behold, the Children of the Hammer are
more and mightier than we. Let us deal with them lest they become
Lords of the Theatre and steal our audience.
4. Therefore, they did set over them with petty complaints to afflict
them with their burdens, and to break their Spirit.
5. Complaints about Props, and Makeup, Costumes, and Sets, Lighting,
and all Manner of Technical Things.
6. And the actors did cause the Techies to serve with rigour, fixing
all problems that arose, and the Techies were grieved by their
afflictions.
7. And the Techies knew no way to relieve their afflictions, for
without the actors, truly, they thought, they would have no
Audience.
8. And so, the only way they might relieve their cares was by doing
Multiplication.
9. On tables.
10.Tnek begat Siradinok,
11.Who begat Uanesor,
12.Yada yada yada.
Scene II
1. And when the Techie race had Multiplied quite a lot, Thespior, the
king of the Actorites saw that the Children of the Hammer were yet
greater and mightier than before.
2. And so, Thespior said unto the People of Vanalstyne, Every child
that is born unto you from this time forth must be sent into exile
in the lands of Gleeclub.
3. And the Techies were sore aggrieved to give up their children, but
they knew not how to resist the Actorites.
4. And it came to pass that there was born a certain Techie child, and
the child's mother wished that he might not be sent into Gleeclub.
5. Therefore, she placed her child into a box and placed the box in
the Dressing Room.
6. And it came to pass that he was found by Primadonna, the daughter
of Thespior, and she did take compassion on him.
7. And she said, I will raise this child as my son, and his name shall
be called Dewalt, for that is the name on the box.
8. And so, Dewalt grew to be a man in the house of Thespior, and he
learned the way of the actor, yet he was not an actor.
9. And one day, Dewalt went out unto his brethren, and he beheld an
actor complaining to a Techie.
10.And Dewalt was consumed with annoyance, and did tell the actor to
bugger off.
11.Whereupon, Dewalt was forced to flee from the Theatre, for Thespior
was pissed.
39

40. Scene III
1. He fled into the wilderness, where he came upon a Tablesaw which
did turn and turn, and though it was not plugged in, yet ran not
out of power.
2. And he heard a Voice which called, Dewalt, Dewalt, Dewalt.
3. And Dewalt did say, I'm here, I'm here.
4. The Voice did say unto him, I am the TD of thy fathers, the TD of
Tnek, the TD of Siradinok, and the TD of Ueasenor. And Dewalt did
put on Safety goggles, for he was afraid to look on the TD.
5. Moreover, He said, go thou unto Thespior, king of the Actorites,
and tell to him, Thus sayest the TD of Vanalstyne, Let my people
go!
6. And so, Dewalt returned to the land of Thespior, and he did go unto
Thespior and said unto him, thus sayeth the TD, let my people go!
7. And Thespior said unto Dewalt, I do not know the TD, neither will I
let the Techies go, now go away and bother me not, for I must learn
my lines, and I have a headache, and my costume is too small, and
my props are unsuitable.
8. And Dewalt said unto Thespior, Behold, since you will not let the
Techies go, the TD will cause the Techies to cease their work, and
a host of plagues to descend upon you, until you will let the
Techies go.
9. But still, Thespior's heart was hardened, and he would not relent,
whereupon, the TD did cause the Techies to cease their work, and a
host of plagues did descend on the actors.
10.On the first night, the Techies did cease their work, and the Set
was unfinished, and the actors moved upon it, walking where there
would be walls, and sitting where there was no furniture, and the
audience did laugh at them.
11.On the second night, the Techies did cease to work, and all the
props in the land were lost or broken by the actors, and the actors
had no props upon the Stage, and the audience did laugh.
12.On the third night, the Techies did cease to work, and there was no
one to repair the costumes that the clumsy actors had ripped, and
the actors had to go unto the Stage in nakedness, and the audience
laughed even harder.
13.On the fourth night, the Techies ceased work, and the actors found
they could not make the audience hear, for they had grown
accustomed to using microphones, and now they had none.
14.On the fifth night, the Techies ceased work, and there was none to
work the rigging, and the curtain did not rise, so the audience got
bored and went home.
15.On the sixth night, the Techies ceased work, and there was a thick
darkness which covered the entire land, and the audience could not
see the actors, and went home.
16.On the seventh night, the Techies ceased work, and there was none
to prompt the actors, whereupon the actors had to improvise near to
the whole play, and the audience did laugh and groan.
17.On the eigth night, the Techies ceased work, and there was none to
call cues and tell the actors when to go on, so nothing happened at
all, and the audience left, but only after demanding that the
actors refund the many shekels they had paid.
40

41. 18.On the ninth night, the Techies ceased to work, and there was none
to advertise the play, sell tickets, make programs, or organize
anything like unto a Bake Sale, whereupon no one came to see the
play, although by this time, most people had heard it was indeed a
crappy play, and would not have come any way.
19.On the tenth night, the Techies ceased work, and there were only
actors at the cast party, which caused it to be a very sad thing,
since the actors were sore aggrieved about the failure of the play,
and many had drunk intoxicating waters and were vomiting until they
were hard pressed for space to sit down or sleep.
20.Whereupon, Thespior called Dewalt unto him and did say, Lo, you
have stricken us with many plagues, and our people are sore
aggrieved, and the audience has laughed at us.
21.Wherefore, you may be free, but we now see we cannot survive
without you. Therefore, stay, and work as free men, and our two
peoples will be fruitful together and share the rewards of our
friendship.
22.Thereupon, Dewalt said unto Thespior that the TD must decide, and
went unto the Tablesaw to hear the word of the TD.
Scene IV
1. And when Dewalt had come again to the Tablesaw, the TD called out
to him, saying I am the TD, who hath brought thee out of servitude.
2. Thou shalt follow my laws, and thou shalt be blessed among men, for
those who follow my laws build according to the draft of
righteousness.
3. Therefore, receive and obey these Ten Really Important Rules, and
keep them in your hearts and minds for ever.
1. I am the TD, the Backstage, the Scenedock. Thou shalt have no
other place but me.
2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image without a draft,
for without one you will assuredly do something wrong.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wood, nor his tools, nor
his show job, nor anything that is thy neighbor's.
4. Honor thy tools, thy hammer and screwgun, thy jigsaw and
router, lest they cease to function or cause you Grievous
Bodily Harm.
5. Thou shalt not act. Truly the actor is needed in the Theatre,
but remember that thou art a Techie.
6. Thou shalt not injure thy fellow Techie in any way, whether
through carelessness, cruelty, or perversion.
7. Thou shalt not take the name of the TD in vain, nor say any
insult unto the TD's face, for the TD does control who gets the
good show jobs.
8. Thou shalt not be ignorant of thy task or thy surroundings. If
thou understandest not thy task, ask for help, but once you
know, let not your mind wander from completing it. But, be not
so absorbed in work that you see not the batten flying in on
top of you.
9. Thou shalt not begrudge to offer your help where you are
needed, albeit the task be not to your liking.
41

42. 10. Above all, keep always in your heart your love and faith for
the Theatre, your memories of good times and friends, and they
shall sustain you through all things.
4. Whereupon, the TD ceased to speak, and commanded Dewalt to bring
forth two pieces of three-quarters of an inch plywood.
5. This done, a gleaming router did appear in the air, and did
inscribe these Ten Really Important Rules unto the plywood.
6. And the TD said unto Dewalt, Go, take these laws unto my children,
follow them with thy heart, and you and your successors shall
prosper.
42

43. The Techie Apocrypha
The Tao-Te-Tech
One
The Tao that can be told
Is not the eternal Tao
Surrounded in light
It is cloaked in darkness
It is the unseen
Resounding
Yet inaudible
It is the unheard
It flows from stage left
To stage right
And envelopes all between
This is essential to the show
Yet the actor understands it not.
Two
Under heaven, all can see beauty as beauty
Because there is ugliness
Good owes its existence to evil
And the Tech owes his existence to the actor
As male needs female
As student needs teacher
As the foolish need guidance
So does the actor need the Tech
Therefore the Tech goes forth
Cloaked in darkness
Bathed in silence
Radiating the Tao
Creating yet not posessing
Working, yet not taking credit.
In this way, the Ten Thousand Things are preserved.
Three
The Tao is an empty vessal; it is used,
But never filled
Oh, unfathomable source of ten thousand things
Change the lamp,
Adjust the level,
Call the cue,
Clean the shirt.
Oh, hidden deep but ever present
It comes from the darkness And flows into the light
It is the keeper of our art.
43

44. Four
When the Tao is present in the Universe
The horses haul the manure
Which happens as one of the
Ten thousand things becomes misalligned
The man who has not the Tao panics,
And is therefore up to his neck in unhauled manure
The Tech, however, abides in the Tao
And the Tao in him.
Therefore, when one of the Ten Thousand Things is misalligned,
He realigns it
And the manure is hauled away.
Or if it cannot be realigned
So what?
We'll still get paid.
Five
Actors are stupid.
Six
The wise actor hears of the Tao
And strives to follow it
The mediocre actor hears of the Tao
And gives it its due respect
The foolish actor hears of the Tao
And laughs
Then I cut off his sound and lights
and leave him setless
propless
and naked
This is the way of the Tao.
Seven
The audience is gulliable
They see the actor as a god
The Tech is wise
He sees the actor as a child
The actor must be made up
And have his hair done
He needs to be dressed
And led to his props
The Tech needs not such things
Silence is the language of the Tech
His movements are the wind
While in his care, the props do not break
Nor are the lights dropped from on high
There is not panic within the Tech
There is instead the peace of the Tao
Which allows him patience to deal with actors
Yea, even child actors
Without beating them even more retarded
Then they already are
(at least until the end of the run).
44

45. Eight
The greatest virtue is to follow Tao
And Tao alone.
For it is well known that a Tech can act
But he will never be an actor
Just as the actor may attempt to tech
But he will never be a tech.
The actor's art is internal
He cannot help but become self-centered
He is the victim of his trade
Which leaves him oblivious
The Tech's art is external
He cannot help but be concerned with others
He is the benefactor of his trade
Which conditions him to be aware
To act is to know oneself
To Tech is to know all in one's environment.
Nine
A good walker makes no noise
A good speaker arrangement
Gives no feedback
A good actor breaks not the props
Nor does he break the furniture
The Tech takes care of them all
And abandons no one
He takes care of all things and abandons nothing
This is called "abiding in the Tao"
What is a Tech?
The keeper of an actor.
What is an actor?
A Tech's charge.
If the Tech is not respected
And the actor not cared for,
Confusion will arise
This is the crux of illusion.
Ten
Whenever you advise a designer in the way of the Tao
Counsel him not to break the laws of nature.
Do this also in the guidence of a director
Animals, Trees, Children
Such things should never cross the stage
When the designer or director
Conspires against nature
He upsets the Ten Thousand Things
Yet the Tao attempts to accomodate him
The Tao is great
But even greatness
Cannot overcome fate
For it is written
There are no stupid concepts
45

46. Just stupid directors and designers
Producing the most intelligent concepts
They can come up with at the time.
Eleven
The Tao is forever undefined
Ubiquitous, yet intangible,
It eludes the masses
When Designers abide in it,
The Ten Thousand Things rejoice
If directors and actors could harness it,
The Ten Thousand Things would natuarally obey
The dramatic and the technical would intertwine
And all would abide in the Tao
Once the whole is divided, the parts need names
There are already enough names
One must know when to stop
Knowing when to stop averts trouble
Knowledge and wisdom are the companions of the Tao. The Tao-Te-Tech
Twelve
No acting please.
Thirteen
Knowing ignorance is strength
Ignoring knowledge is sickness
If one is sick of sickness, then one is not sick
The Tech is not sick because he is sick of sickness
But because he is sick of actors
The great Tao flows everywhere
Both to stage left
And to stage right
The Ten Thousand Things depend on it
It fulfills its purpose silently
And makes no claim
It nourishes the Ten Thousand Things
And yet it is not their lord
It anoints the Tech
And enhances his ability
Therefore the Tech knows himself and others
He has self-respect, yet is not arrogant
He lets go of that and chooses this
The Tao of the Tech is impartial.
And stays with him at all times.
46

47. The Techie Primer
Being an Instruction in Generall Knowledge and Sundrie matters of the
Theatrefor New and Younge Techies.
The Actor
My Goodness! What is That? It is An actor. Is he not an Odd-looking
Cretur? He thinks he is the Most Important thing in the Theatre. But we
Know better, Do we not? Without the Good Techies, the actor Would be only
a Very small person in a big, Empty Theatre. But, children, we shall
Humour the actors, for faced with Reality, they would shrivel Up into
Vitamin-Fortified raisins.
The Bad Noise
Dear Me! Do you hear that Awful sound? It is like a Machine Gun shooting
a Little Kitty. That is the Bad Noise. The Bad Noise happens when you are
Screwing too Fast, and not pushing Hard enough. Making the Bad noise
wears down the Bit and the Head. You must Not make the Bad noise,
children. If you make the Bad noise often, we will Shoot your Kitty.
The Cable
The cable is Good. Feel its Smooth surface. Now Plug one end Into a
Circuit. Is the Circuit On? Why not find Out. Stick your Tongue on the
Other end. See the Pretty Sparks. Are you Not feeling Well? That will
teach You.
The Director
The Director is a wonderful Person indeed! Just try To imagine a Play
without a Director. It is not a very Nice Play, is it? The Director lives
in a Small Card-board box in the Theatre. He eats Leftover Hot-glue bits
and Much Coffee. His hair, if He has any, is Wild and unkempt. This
indicates that He is A Tortured Artist. If the Director is Happy, he
makes a Nice Sound, and rubs against Your leg. If the Director is
unhappy, He will make your Lives Hell. Keep the Director Happy.
The Fresh Enamellac
O, Children, I have a Marvellous Surprise for you. Look, it is Fresh
Enamellac! Are you Not glad? Smell the freshness of It.
Do you not Feel very Good? Of Course you do. If you smell Fresh
Enamellac, You Will feel very Good, like a Birdie flying
up So High! If you Will Sniff even more, you will Not have to Come Down
from there for a While.
47

48. Garden Of Eden
And when God had created light, and sets, and props, and costumes, and the like, God rested, and this
Sabbath day he named the Cast Party. And the Cast Party was good. But on the morning following this said
Sabbath, the Lord did rise with pain of head and nausea of stomach, and God did go forth into the lighting
booth to take unto himself some Pain-Aid and Pepto from the first-aid kit. And because the Lord had not yet
drunk of his heavenly goblet of black coffee, he thought, "I shall make a creature in my likeness, and in the
likeness of the Techies, who are already in my likeness, and all shall bring me glory." And God took a
handful of Pain-Aid and Pepto and created a being in his likeness, and the likeness of the Techies, wearing
many tools and garments of only black. And God saw that his creation was good, and firm of joint, and could
see in the dark.
And the Techies did party, and build the new creature a beautiful set in which to dwell, with perfect sight
lines, a lowering grid, a turntable, three scrims, showers in the back, and gel-changers in the lights. And God
said, "My child, I name thee Bill. Go forth and play, Bill." Bill did go forth and play, and henceforward a
being running forth like a child on a set would be called a Play. And God said only, "Run, play, and be
fruitful; live in great peace on this beautiful set which my Techies have created. Only heed one warning: thou
shalt not play pridefully in the vision of anyone, with the exception of the Techies, who are always watching
and well should be."
Bill did play for many nights alone with no one but the Techies for company, and was content. But each time
God did fade the sunset special from the western side of the theater, Bill's heart cried more and more in
torment. And Bill wept to God, "Lord God who hath created me, who hath clothed me and fed me and taught
me the holy ways of wrenches and circuits and hath not troubled me to climb any really tall ladders, Lord
God, I am lonely and need another like myself." And the Lord was moved to pity. So he took a pipe wrench
and smote Bill upside the head, then clipped a lock of his flaxen hair with a utility knife. He mixed this with
some sawdust and two measures of joint compound. And God did stir. He stirred until the grid did quake and
the heavens flickered. Thus was created another being in the likeness of Bill, but suave of build and of hair
as blonde as the morn. God said to Bill, "My son, I offer you the great honor of bestowing this fine creature a
name." "I name him Steve," Bill replied with stars in his eyes.
Thusly became Bill and Steve playmates, and there was much frolic and rejoicing on the set. And God saw
that they were good, and was not moved to concern. But Bill and Steve grew fond of their games of
charades, and were less and less satisfied with the clear, alert gaze of the Techies. "I want not to be gazed
upon merely for my light cues," cried out Bill in great distress. "Ah, and I am such a handsome devil," sighed
Steve, admiring his reflection in the lid of a paint can. "What a pity that such beauty should go
unappreciated!" And God did shake his great head and chuckle, unconvinced that any of his children should
go astray.
One night, when the R78's glowed softly in the fresnels, Steve was stirred to waking by a strange noise. He
noticed a shadowy figure standing before him. "Speak, and proclaim thyself!" Steve insisted, leaping to his
feet and grabbing a piece of stage artillery from the nearby prop table. "Fear me not," proclaimed the specter.
"I am none but a weary traveler, and I have journeyed from afar merely to perceive thy beauty and talent."
"You're kidding," quoth Steve, dropping his sword. "Ah, indeed," the figure did continue, "far and wide hath
the news spread of thy ability to behave in the likeness of characters other than thyself." Steve replied, "And
I thought it was simple schizophrenia!" with some relief. And the figure did pull forth a business card, and
when Steve did inquire as to what meant the strange word "agent," the figure replied that he was none but a
human being who appreciated a good performance and liked to see other people appreciate it, too. For a
small fee, of course.
48

49. Steve did act for the agent, and tap dance, and sing, paying no heed to the word of God. The agent brought in
some of his family, then friends, and Steve awoke Bill to play a jazzed-up duet of "Don't Cry For Me
Argentina" fit to make Patti weep. And the Techies did follow Bill and Steve with large round lights, and
adjust the sound as necessary, for they understood the word of God and were bound by their God-betrothed
duty. The audience did pound their palms together in applause like unto thunder, standing and whistling and
shouting for an encore. God was thus awakened from his slumber.
Bill and Steve were aware of the coming wrath of God, and they ran and hid. God sent forth all the Techies
to find them. When the Techies did return, they had retrieved not only Bill and Steve but armloads of 8x10
headshots from the lobby and empty bottles of mineral water from the green room. Bill and Steve did cower
before God. And God said: Henceforward shalt thou be called "actor," And all thy descendants "actor" as
well. Thou shalt wear colorful clothes, And be stripped of the holy knowledge of the Techie. May you marry
many times without success. May the tabloids exploit you. May you die lonely deaths in hotel rooms in
Vegas, For thou hast fallen from grace. Bill and Steve wept and cried out for redemption, but it was to no
avail, for they had sinned in the eyes of God. 44 And their garments became colorful, and sewn with sequins,
and uncomfortable, and their faces coated in pancake makeup. And they did forget all that they were taught
about being a good Techie, and needed to be spoken to in small words, and could not see even glo-tape in the
dark. And the Techies prevailed.
49

50. LANGUAGE !
It has come to the attention of the management that abusive and locally colorful
language has become all too commonplace during the run of some performances. Since it
is our endeavor to maintain the formal and professional decorum of the theatre, we have
to curb the s**ts and f**ks that permeate the backstage areas. We also recognize the
need for technicians to creatively express themselves, so we have devised the following
code list where a code number will quickly identify a particular feeling or situation.
LIGHTS
101 This board is a genuine, honest-to-God, bona-fide real life copy of a
piece of sh*t…
102 Ahh, COME ON! A trained octopus couldn't take a cue like that.
103 I think the dimmer pack is on fire.
104 I wasn't even near the light board.
105 Somebody backstage must have done it.
106 This f**kin light would look great in an outhouse.
107 Is this fiasco over yet?
108 Hey, turkey, you re supposed to stand in the light, that's what it's there for.
109 You want me to take how many presets in ten seconds?
110 If you want that kind of garbage, buy a light organ.
111 That's the ugliest set of color washes I have ever seen.
112 The turds upstairs won't buy us one.
113 Even if they did buy one, it wouldn't help.
114 Is it act three yet?
115 It was dimmer creep.
116 Send the cute one up to the light booth.
117 That's one fuggly (f**k ugly) colour.
SOUND (Continued at 260)
120 You couldn't hear a stick of dynamite at ten paces.
121 Back off the mike, a$$hole.
122 This amp would make a lovely boat anchor.
123 Don't thump on the mics.
124 Don't blow into them either.
125 Is this turkey over yet?
126 Must be a loose wire. . .somewhere.
127 Ah, I think the console is on fire.
128 No, dip s**t, you're supposed to use the other end of the mic.
129 If you want that kind of bulls**t, buy a synthesizer.
130 I'm deeply sorry that I do not have enough cord to go to Cuba.
131 Of course the stack is leaning, you set the f**king thing right on my foot.
132 Send the cute one up to the sound booth.
FOLLOWSPOT (Continued at 239)
140 How come I always get the ones that move like a rabbit in heat?
141 You want that kind of coverage, Scrooge, hire another followspot.
142 No sucker, six colors is all you get.
143 I prefer the crotch shot, myself.
144 These machines aren't worth diddly s**t.
145 Can we do without the next cue? I gotta go pee.
147 I can t help it- some bear in trousers and a funny hat just stomped my light out.
50

51. BACKSTAGE
150 You said to drop it, you didn t specify where and how fast.
151 B O R I N G
152 Is this piece of horse s**t over yet?
153 Hey you, don't run into my baton so hard.
154 Gone for pizza, take the scene shift without me.
155 Hey a$$hole, you want to stand under that sandbag over there?
156 Good golly Miss Molly, will you look at the gazongas on the one that just walked
in!
157 Ever herd of castors? Little round things, makes moving really easy.
158 If God had wanted that tank to fly, He would have put wings on it.
159 Touch that again, and I'll hang you by your balls from the highest point on the
grid.
160 If you don't mind, I'd like to do it wrong my own way.
161 I've got the cute one backstage.
STAGE MANAGER (Continued at 274)
170 Is there any possibility that we can all take this cue together?
171 Lights: This is your wakeup call.
172 You want a live cow on stage in what scene?
173 Well, I've never heard of that scene before.
174 Cues 16 through 82. . .GO!
175 Any chance of us starting anywhere on time?
176 F**k cues 103 and 131.
177 Oh, suck mine.
178 Sideways.
179 Call em like you want em or take it like you get it.
180 You couldn't find two St. Bernards if they were screwing in the same closet as you.
181 WHAT did you say was on fire?
182 What is someone as talented as me doing working on a piece of junk like this?
183 Pardon me, but you have obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a s**t.
184 Half over, guys.
185 This same old s**t has got to stop.
186 Is it art, yet?
187 Sit on the rail and spin, f**ker.
188 Can't talk now, some s**thead stole my code list.
LIGHTING DESIGNER / OPERATORS
200 The f**king desk has crashed again!
201 Oh shit I thought this song was <x> not <y>
202 Oh no not this song again. Anyone got a pillow?
203 What do you mean, "The racks are on fire"?!?
204 No you f**king can't switch that Rack off for 5 minutes!
205 NO NO NO! Don't move in front of that light! Arrrrgggh!
206 Which pillock kicked-over the floor cans during changeover?
207 You're all crap. I'm seeing Production straight after the show.
208 I love you all, I'll get you a beer during takedown.
209 I'm not being f**king paid enough to cope with this shit.
210 Fuck me that didn't happen when I pressed that yesterday.
211 Pyros? Pyros? NO! NOT NOW YOU IDIOTS!!
212 How the hell do you program this desk...
213 It isn't working! It isn't working! Oh s**t oh s**t oh s**t!
214 Hmmm? What? Wooops! Missed that again...
216 What the hell is that noise in my head !?!?!
218 I want more lights.
219 The f**king scrollers have gone into disco mode again!
220 The patch is f**ked again.
221 Hey look at the gorgous blond standing here! Oh, you can't. Ha Ha.
222 Good show guys, I'm going to the bar.
51

52. LIGHTING CREW
223 The LD's f**ked-up again.
224 Who rigged this? It's supposed to be straight!
225 S**t! Did you see that bulb blow!
226 Oh look Cybers/V-L <x> is screwed again
227 Hey! Mind that cable...Oh, too late...
228 Why did the chicken cross the road? Cos it was less bored than me!
229 Oh I f**king *HATE* this song
230 I'm off to catering.
231 Where *IS* catering today?
232 What's catering?
233 Is that supposed to be smoking like that?
234 Where's my f**king Maglite?
235 Who wants to crawl across the back of stage today?
236 Well *I* didn't touch the f**king patch!
237 Look at that one! Where's that spare pass?!?
238 F**king take-down and the LD's ponced-off again.
FOLLOWSPOTS (Continued from 147)
239 Oh s**t, you numbered them in *THAT* direction!
240 I thought *HE* was the lead guitar!
241 I can't hold it any steadier!
242 S**t the shutter's jammed again!
243 I thought *I* was spot 4!
244 How f**king long is this show?
245 Look mate, you come up here and try and do it better!
246 Get that f**king light out of my eyes!
247 Shit it's really hot up here!
248 Look at the really cute one in the white top near the front.
249 I need a piss! I forgot a bottle! Help!
RIGGERS
250 No! Not in the chain-bag!
251 Well it was straight this morning.
252 What do you mean, you can't find a f**king 2m spanset?
253 This shackle is f**ked.
254 We need another rigger.
255 I'm doing it as fast as I f**king can!! Get off my back!!
256 Look, I'm first up and last to bed, so f**k you.
257 It won't take that.
258 Send the cute one out to the bus.
259 S**t! The rig is hanging from the cable-pick again!
SOUND (Continued from 132)
260 Where's the f**king feedback coming from?
261 No no no! Sing *INTO* the mic, a$$hole!
262 Don't stick that in the wedge!
263 Aggggrrhh! Another trashed mic.
264 These speakers need re-triming. Now. I don't care its mid-show.
265 We need to test every speaker tommorrow.
266 I wish I had better mics/speakers/desk.
267 *I* can play better than that.
268 Well I don't think its too loud.
269 No I haven't got a f**king spare output.
265 How the f**k does one of these units work?
266 S**t! Missed the DAT running-out again.
267 I'm too good for this.
268 I hate this venue.
269 Where's the way out of catering?
270 Does that 7am call include *us*?
271 No I can't move that.
272 Oooohhhhh...look at *that* one...
273 Well, *we* got our gear out in half an hour!
52

53. STAGE MANAGER (Continued from 188)
274 Where's the f**king band gone?!?
275 2 minutes guys. Honest. This time I promise.
276 We need more light back here!
277 Lights! Lights! Go! Go!
278 Sound! Sound! Switch it on!
279 No No, not yet they want to...oh s**t, too late...
280 I'll be in catering.
281 I'll be in production.
282 Special announcement guys, don't pack-up yet.
283 Anyone want these flowers?
284 Hmmm, look at... <click>
285 Ok guys lets do a quick one tonight.
PRODUCTION MANAGER
286 Come on, get it up quicker.
287 The trucks have to go in an hour!
288 No you can't go to catering
289 I'm going to the office.
290 Can anyone fix my f**king fax/computer/photocopier?
291 Anyone want to give the Runner some money for their s**t?
292 But I got you a screwdriver *LAST* week.
293 Money no object, fix it!
294 Production can't stretch to that!
295 The band hated it - we need to talk straight after the show.
296 The band loved it - see me for a special bonus after the show.
297 What PD's?
298 <no translation, already chatting them-up>
299 4 hours sleep is enough, isn't it?
FOOD
300 I want a Pepsi
301 I want a Root Beer
302 I want a Mountain Dew
303 I want an Orange Soda
304 I want a Snapple
305 I want a Coke
306 I want a Cherry Coke
307 I want a Dr. Pepper
308 I want a Sprite
309 I want a coffee
310 Pass me a french fry
311 Pass me a slice of pizza
312 Pass me a chip
313 No, get you own!
314 Somebody get me a f**king' coffee!
315 Remember guys, vegetarian.
316 No, you do not have time to get take out down the street.
317 No, I don't have spare change.
318 Well, I could give you a dollar if you hung yourself from the grid...
319 Dinner's on the director tonight!
320 I take my coffee black, the way nature intended thankyouverymuch!
321 Not instant again!
322 How can you put that in/on there?!
323 Can I bum a cigarette off of anyone?
324 Anyone want to lend me money??
325 Alright, who left the fries in the booth overnight?
326 Hey, you didn't tell me you had food!
327 Anyone want these leftovers?
328 Guys, you can not eat in the theatre/auditorium/booth/backstage area/catwalk/etc.
tonight.
329 You - get me something from the vending machine.
330 If you think I'm gonna kiss you after you've eaten that, forget it!
53