1. My Interview with Sarah Williams (Female Veteran Facing PTSD)<br /> <br />So, tell me a little bit about yourself.<br />I am a female veteran that served in Iraq for 5 years. I have four children and a wonderful supporting husband back home in California. I went to school at West Point and graduated at the top of my class. I loved the excitement, the training, and just staying in shape. There was always something new to learn or new strategies to master. I never planned on going off to war or get deployed to Iraq. It just kind of happened, ya know? There was nothing harder than leaving my family back home. <br />If you didn’t want to get deployed to Iraq, Why did you sign up?<br />Well it all began the day of 9/11. I was still in West Point at the time, and I was on my Thanksgiving break back at home. Sitting there in my living room with my parents and my little sister, together we watched those planes hit the towers. I just remember thinking that this could have been my family, my mom or my dad. It was horrible, but it sure was a reality check. It was at that very moment when I promised myself as soon as graduation was over, I would sign up to be deployed to Iraq. I felt compelled to help these poor people who lost their lives, and I just wanted to help bring justice to those families who lost someone in such a tragic way.<br />Do you ever regret your decision?<br />Oh, all the time. There is not a day that goes by without me questioning my decision. At times, I find myself wondering what life would be like if I had never gone to West Point or made that promise to myself. The war has had such an impact on my mental well being, my emotions, my family, everything. Then, there are other times where I am grateful for what all I have been through. My experience has made me a stronger person, and I feel as if I have already conquered the hardest things in life that someone could possibly go through. But those thoughts are rare. <br /> Tell me a little bit about that experience.<br />Well, I was head of my squad, and we were stationed in Baghdad. Most of the men in my group were just at the young age of 19 and early 20s. Overall, it was pretty boring over there. Everything is very dry, and the weather is excruciatingly hot. We would wait around four hours. Most of our tasks had to deal with handing out rations and supplies to the Iraqi citizens and keeping order among the people. For the most part, I served a noncombat role, and that’s why many people find it hard to believe that I have PTSD. However, I still participated in the deaths of many Iraqi citizens. There have been numerous riots that have occurred when people get out of hand, and it’s my job to discard them or shut them down. Almost once a week, a group of 20 or so men come through the streets shooting at everything in sight, killing innocent people, even the women and the children. These images play over and over in my mind of poor innocent girls running through the streets trying to escape the sound of the gunfire. Then, they are hit. That's when my job gets though. It’s better for me to not talk about these things; some thoughts are just better off not to be talked about. <br /> <br />How has being a woman in the war affected your experience?<br /> <br />Being a woman in the army really is a tough job, and you can never put your guard down or truly trust anyone. I was very naive at first, but soon learned I had to be much stronger in order to survive. My very first year, people tried walking all over me, even the younger men that I was in charge of. The worst experience I have ever been through was one night in August when I was called into my commanding officers room. I had no idea of what was going to happen, and that night he took advantage of me and raped me. I didn’t tell a soul, not even my husband, until weeks later once my service in the army was finish. However, by then I had no real evidence against him, and the chargers we dropped and they let him go. I never thought the army could be such a horrible place; I was in constant fear of my life, not only by the Iraqi’s, but even my very own comrades and officers. I felt so out of place being a woman. These men are deprived of their wives and girlfriends, so they grab all over you and touch you inappropriately, and nobody really did anything about it. You really have to develop thick skin in order to survive war, and I didn’t realize it at the time. I had to start shutting down these feeling and stop letting these images, the way these men treated me, and my experience of getting rape affect my thinking and my service. After a while, I made myself use to this way of life, and these things became normal to me. Something I thought, at first, I could never do.<br /> <br />Can you explain how this disorder has affected your life years after your service?<br /> <br />It affects every aspect of my life. These images and the night I got raped kept replaying in my mind again and again, sometimes to the point where I could no longer function. The first year I was back home, I wake up almost every night with horrific nightmares, I would shy away from social events in the fear of someone having a shootout, I would come up with crazy ideas and would convince myself I was going to die that day, and I would go days without speaking a word to anyone. I felt trapped, and had no way of going back to the real me. I couldn’t explain to my family what happened over there, because nobody would understand the things that I saw or what I had to deal with, nobody could relate. <br /> <br />Why have you not reach out for help? <br /> <br />Well, I have, numerous times actually. I would go to the doctor and explain my symptoms, and ask for some medication. They would tell me to see a therapist, and would give me some antidepressant pills. For a while that worked, but I still wasn’t back to normal. They wouldn’t give me the proper medication and what I really need. I believe that it has a lot to do with my sex. People assume that because I’m a woman that I didn't serve a combat role, and therefore I can’t really suffer from PTSD. It’s such a frustrating process; I have just kind of given up. I started talking to other female veterans, and found out that many other women are being turned down for treatment as well. I just wish someone would do something about it. My symptoms have gotten much better since I have been back at home now for over 10 years, but my experience of the war will never be forgotten. <br /> <br />