1. Dear Bluejay, 18 Questions
1. Does the postman in Heaven
Deliver my letters?
And if so,
Do you read them?
And if so,
Will you ever reply?
2. If in Heaven your body won’t tire,
Will you still wake up slowly
With dusty blue Angel-eyes
Holding an image you dreamed of
Too tightly,
Fighting daylight to keep it alive?
3. Since you flew away,
Do you dream of Earth?
And does it hurt?
Do you dream of coming back?
And does it ache?
Since you flew away,
Do you dream of me?
And do you dream at all?
And if so,
In the morning,
Do you try to remember?
4. And do you remember
Collecting lost feathers
From Bluejays
With me in the forest?
Did you get the Bluejay wings
You wanted?
Do they make you unique among
Angels?
5. And do you remember
Me and your brothers
Making fun of
Your way-too-long hair
And how skinny you were
Saying,
“Man, with those sandals
You look like a painting
Of Jesus!”

2. 6. Since you flew away,
Do you still like to paint
Do anarchist slogans
And Vonnegut quotes
Line the walls,
Just like home?
Do you still like to paint?
And does God get angry
When you layer graffiti
All over his famous pearl gates?
And is there a Sunoco in Heaven?
And do they sell Newports?
In Heaven,
Do you still have to pay?
7. Do you miss me sometimes,
When you look down
Through the clouds
And see Earth,
Or get drunk
Off the water
You turned into wine?
Do you get lonely
And miss me
Sometimes?
8. Does anything up there remind you of me?
And if so,
What is it?
And if so,
Do you hate it—
That reminder of home,
Or of us,
Or of “was”
Or of “used to be”?
9. Does anyone up there remind you you’re special?
If in Heaven, everyone’s just as beautiful,
Who tells you you’re special?
Who looks in your eyes,
Saying,
“Jay, did you know,
You’re the only Angel
Who chose your bird’s wings
As his permanent costume
In paradise?”

3. 10. Can you feel the hole in my heart?
And does yours still ache?
Is it beating again?
Does it still sometimes skip
When it’s late
And you’re lying awake?
And is there an Angel-girl there
With her head on your chest
Who’s afraid it might give up again?
And does she love you?
And does she remind you of me?
And do you love her?
And does Heaven remind you of me?
11. If in Heaven you’re happy
Like I hope to God you are,
Will she still learn to love the sad parts?
Like I did—
Like I do?
And will she have to worry they’ll hurt you—
Like I did—
Like I still do?
If in Heaven you’re healthy,
Will she still always know when you’re sick?
12. If in Heaven you’re healthy,
Will you still wake up slowly,
And shiver, and need me
To bring you hot coffee
With sugar, still steaming
To place in your little white Angel-hands
To give you the strength for
A tentative smile while you ask me
If
“Maybe,
“Just once,”
Since you feel sick this morning,
“Just today,”
If I’ll help you to stand?
13. Do you remember, darling,
All the ways I tried to keep you?
All the hopeless things I did
To take care of you each morning,
To keep you from leaving?
To keep you from flying away?

4. 14. Does the postman in Heaven
Deliver my letters?
And if so,
Do you read them?
And are you reminded
How I couldn’t take care of you—
Not like you needed—?
Not enough to keep your body
For your Angel-soul’s home;
Not enough that the Angels
Didn’t fly down and take you
And claim my dying bird as their own.
15. But you don’t need my help
In Heaven,
Do you, darling?
Please tell me it doesn’t still hurt
When you wake up,
So slowly,
As if morning burns…
I hope it’s not too bright
In Heaven, darling—
Do your Angel-eyes wince in the light
In the morning?
Please tell me,
In Heaven, do mornings still hurt?
16. Do you remember me praying
For you,
As we waited,
Together,
‘Til you left,
And I waited,
Alone,
But with you,
And we waited for the ambulance?
And I held your frozen Angel-hands,
Praying you’d wake up
And see me
You’d wake up,
So slowly,
And see
As I prayed for you harder than ever;
As I prayed for the first time in ten years—
It still didn’t work.

5. 17. Does the postman in Heaven
Deliver my letters?
And if so,
Do you read them?
And if so,
Am I missing your answers?
Are they here,
Lost among fallen feathers?
18. Does the postman in Heaven
By now see your name and remember
Your address, without even checking?
And does he deliver
My every-night messages,
My stupid love-letters from Earth—
The ones loaded with questions
For my bird who flies with Angels
And for God,
Saying
“Father, I love him,
“Father, I miss him,
“Father, I prayed for him—
“Father, why didn’t it work?”