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Evaluating Your
First Page for Red Flags
Jane Friedman | JaneFriedman.com
2012 Missouri Writers Conference
Common 1st Page Troubles
 Over explanation         Ordinary day routine
 Too much detail          Crisis moments
                          without unique hook
 Overwriting, or trying
 too hard                 Dialogue without
                          context
 Interior monologue or
 reflection               Backstory
 Immediate flashback      Info dump
 Waking up sequence       Character dump
 Phones and alarms
SEDUCTION
Tease and tantalize with the story.
Story, Story, Story
1.   What does your character   1. Introduce your protagonist.
     want?
                                2. What‟s the conflict she‟s
2.   Why does he want it?          about to face? What‟s
                                   going
3.   What keeps him from           to change her life?
     getting it?
                                3. What choices will she
                                   have to make?
Memoir Red Flags
It focuses on your pain or
victimhood

You‟re telling the story
that‟s a common
crisis, without a fresh
angle (cancer
survival, care
giving, death of parents)

Your memoir amounts to
a journal or diary

Memoir + self-help:
Don‟t do it.
Biggest Bad Advice
Start with “action.”

The action should have
context—and be as grounded
as possible in a character
that we‟re already starting to
love.
Action But No Character
Lacks personality, voice, or viewpoint

Delivers a stereotypical crisis moment that‟s full
of action or pain, but without a center

Offers an action scene for the sake of
excitement, but without any connection to the
real plot, conflict, or story arc
Action WITH Character
A character who I feel I immediately know and
understand

A situation that presents a tension, e.g., a
character who‟s not getting what he wants or
meets opposition

An indication of the larger story problem or
conflict between characters
“Congratulations you have been specially selected to receive a once in a
life time Caribbean vacation. If you are interested please press „nine‟
now.”

Wrenched awake by the ringing phone, I hear the words but it takes a
second for their meaning to penetrate. It‟s only been minutes since my
head hit the pillow and I fell fast into sleep. “A damn recording,” I mutter
to myself and drop the receiver back into its cradle. More tired than
irritated, I settle back down. The phone rings again.

“Hello? May I please speak to Ms. Trey?” The voice sounds remarkably
similar to the previous caller but since this time I was asked for by
name, I decide to give the caller three seconds to prove me wrong. “This
is she,” I answer.

“Ms. Trey I want you to come to the Caribbean. Say „yes” to hear the
details of how you can experience this dream vacation for yourself and-”

Cutting the caller off, I snarl, “You‟ve got to be fricking kidding me!”
“What the…” Jill Clemmons jolted from a deep sleep her right arm thrashing
for an alarm clock that wasn‟t responsible for the interruption. She kicked out
from the sheets with a groan, and stumbled toward the window. She opening
the shade in one tug and steadied herself with a hand against the warm glass.
“…a lawn mower?” Jill moaned and let the shade drop to the sill.

Low-slung denim hugging a pair of trim hips moved away from her as grass
spit to the right leaving a trail of fresh clippings. Broad tan shoulders had found
a maturity she hadn‟t noticed before, but there was no mistaking it was Peyton.

Jill stuffed her feet into the worn pink slippers next to the bed. She stomped
out to the living room, and pulled her cell phone out of the top of her purse to
check the time. “Seven-thirty in the morning?” She tossed the phone back on
the table and considered her options.

Plan A ignore him, or Plan B go out and give Malloy a piece of her mind. She
mulled over her options. Plan B seemed more appealing except for the fact
she didn‟t have a stitch of makeup on and was still wearing Pearl‟s blue
housecoat. Lovely.
My daughter Sara told me her mom had separated from her third husband.
Between bites of goat cheese salad, she said, “Mom asked about you last night—it
was kinda weird. I can‟t remember her ever asking about you in all the years since
you guys divorced.”
   “Hmm,” I said. “What did you tell her?”
   “I just told her you were fine, that you‟re still practicing law in Marina Del Rey,”
she said.
   “I haven‟t seen Stephanie since your high school graduation. How is she
anyway?”
   “Well, she‟s bummed about her divorce, but she‟s handling it, I think. She‟s
actually doing pretty well.”
I wondered what she looked like now.
   “Does she still live in Santa Barbara?” I asked.
   “Yeah, she does.” said Sara.
   “Maybe I should give her a call,” I said.
   “Why?” asked Sara.
   “I don‟t know. There‟s no reason we can‟t be friends,” I said.
   “Well, you did have a pretty messy divorce”
   “Yeah, I know,” I said.
Driving to my condo in Marina Del Rey, I was thinking about Stephanie. I continued
thinking about her right past my freeway exit. She‟d cheated on me. That was why
we divorced—one of many reasons. I never forgave her for it. But the sex had
been great before.
   After our divorce, she moved the children to Santa Barbara, two hours away.
She trashed me in front of them and cancelled visitations at the last minute. I
remembered once I picked them up for a visit. Stephanie told me I could only have
them for three hours, because they had to go to a birthday party for her boyfriend‟s
mother. I called her a fucking bitch, right in front of the children. I still felt ashamed.
Parting Wisdom
Writing is rewriting

Never expect an editor/agent to polish your work
or take it to the next level

Only send your absolute best work; most people
only get one shot with an agent/editor (per
manuscript)

If you think published/best-selling authors are
held to a different standard than you, they are.
You are unproven in the market.
Resources
Hooked by Les Edgerton

The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman

Plot & Structure by James Scott Bell

Anything by agent Donald Maass
Continue the Conversation
JaneFriedman.com

Newsletter sign-up: JaneFriedman.com

Jane@JaneFriedman.com

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Evaluating Your First Page

  • 1. Evaluating Your First Page for Red Flags Jane Friedman | JaneFriedman.com 2012 Missouri Writers Conference
  • 2. Common 1st Page Troubles Over explanation Ordinary day routine Too much detail Crisis moments without unique hook Overwriting, or trying too hard Dialogue without context Interior monologue or reflection Backstory Immediate flashback Info dump Waking up sequence Character dump Phones and alarms
  • 4. Story, Story, Story 1. What does your character 1. Introduce your protagonist. want? 2. What‟s the conflict she‟s 2. Why does he want it? about to face? What‟s going 3. What keeps him from to change her life? getting it? 3. What choices will she have to make?
  • 5. Memoir Red Flags It focuses on your pain or victimhood You‟re telling the story that‟s a common crisis, without a fresh angle (cancer survival, care giving, death of parents) Your memoir amounts to a journal or diary Memoir + self-help: Don‟t do it.
  • 6. Biggest Bad Advice Start with “action.” The action should have context—and be as grounded as possible in a character that we‟re already starting to love.
  • 7. Action But No Character Lacks personality, voice, or viewpoint Delivers a stereotypical crisis moment that‟s full of action or pain, but without a center Offers an action scene for the sake of excitement, but without any connection to the real plot, conflict, or story arc
  • 8. Action WITH Character A character who I feel I immediately know and understand A situation that presents a tension, e.g., a character who‟s not getting what he wants or meets opposition An indication of the larger story problem or conflict between characters
  • 9. “Congratulations you have been specially selected to receive a once in a life time Caribbean vacation. If you are interested please press „nine‟ now.” Wrenched awake by the ringing phone, I hear the words but it takes a second for their meaning to penetrate. It‟s only been minutes since my head hit the pillow and I fell fast into sleep. “A damn recording,” I mutter to myself and drop the receiver back into its cradle. More tired than irritated, I settle back down. The phone rings again. “Hello? May I please speak to Ms. Trey?” The voice sounds remarkably similar to the previous caller but since this time I was asked for by name, I decide to give the caller three seconds to prove me wrong. “This is she,” I answer. “Ms. Trey I want you to come to the Caribbean. Say „yes” to hear the details of how you can experience this dream vacation for yourself and-” Cutting the caller off, I snarl, “You‟ve got to be fricking kidding me!”
  • 10. “What the…” Jill Clemmons jolted from a deep sleep her right arm thrashing for an alarm clock that wasn‟t responsible for the interruption. She kicked out from the sheets with a groan, and stumbled toward the window. She opening the shade in one tug and steadied herself with a hand against the warm glass. “…a lawn mower?” Jill moaned and let the shade drop to the sill. Low-slung denim hugging a pair of trim hips moved away from her as grass spit to the right leaving a trail of fresh clippings. Broad tan shoulders had found a maturity she hadn‟t noticed before, but there was no mistaking it was Peyton. Jill stuffed her feet into the worn pink slippers next to the bed. She stomped out to the living room, and pulled her cell phone out of the top of her purse to check the time. “Seven-thirty in the morning?” She tossed the phone back on the table and considered her options. Plan A ignore him, or Plan B go out and give Malloy a piece of her mind. She mulled over her options. Plan B seemed more appealing except for the fact she didn‟t have a stitch of makeup on and was still wearing Pearl‟s blue housecoat. Lovely.
  • 11. My daughter Sara told me her mom had separated from her third husband. Between bites of goat cheese salad, she said, “Mom asked about you last night—it was kinda weird. I can‟t remember her ever asking about you in all the years since you guys divorced.” “Hmm,” I said. “What did you tell her?” “I just told her you were fine, that you‟re still practicing law in Marina Del Rey,” she said. “I haven‟t seen Stephanie since your high school graduation. How is she anyway?” “Well, she‟s bummed about her divorce, but she‟s handling it, I think. She‟s actually doing pretty well.” I wondered what she looked like now. “Does she still live in Santa Barbara?” I asked. “Yeah, she does.” said Sara. “Maybe I should give her a call,” I said. “Why?” asked Sara. “I don‟t know. There‟s no reason we can‟t be friends,” I said. “Well, you did have a pretty messy divorce” “Yeah, I know,” I said. Driving to my condo in Marina Del Rey, I was thinking about Stephanie. I continued thinking about her right past my freeway exit. She‟d cheated on me. That was why we divorced—one of many reasons. I never forgave her for it. But the sex had been great before. After our divorce, she moved the children to Santa Barbara, two hours away. She trashed me in front of them and cancelled visitations at the last minute. I remembered once I picked them up for a visit. Stephanie told me I could only have them for three hours, because they had to go to a birthday party for her boyfriend‟s mother. I called her a fucking bitch, right in front of the children. I still felt ashamed.
  • 12. Parting Wisdom Writing is rewriting Never expect an editor/agent to polish your work or take it to the next level Only send your absolute best work; most people only get one shot with an agent/editor (per manuscript) If you think published/best-selling authors are held to a different standard than you, they are. You are unproven in the market.
  • 13. Resources Hooked by Les Edgerton The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman Plot & Structure by James Scott Bell Anything by agent Donald Maass
  • 14. Continue the Conversation JaneFriedman.com Newsletter sign-up: JaneFriedman.com Jane@JaneFriedman.com