1.
Conversations
with
kids
Seven
practices
When
I
was
growing
up
I
was
told
to
listen
and
do
what
I
was
told,
when
I
was
told.
Conversations
were
more
like
‘pearls
of
wisdom’
laced
with
standards,
judgments
and
statements
such
as;
‘Just
do
what
you’re
told!’
or;
‘No,
you’re
not
to
do
that!’
with
not
much
in
between.
Don’t
get
me
wrong,
my
parents
were
concerned
about
my
safety
and
becoming
a
functioning
adult
and
they
did
their
best.
I
got
by.
The
world
is
a
very
different
place
today
with
a
multitude
of
complex
issues
that
parents
and
children
are
faced
with
on
a
daily
basis.
Technology
has
seen
our
world
connected
like
never
before.
With
the
power
of
the
Internet
and
social
media,
we
see
a
relentless
influx
of
influences
that
we
can’t
control
that
with
a
click
of
a
mouse
can
take
hold
of
our
kids
and
before
we
can
blink,
the
damage
is
done.
This
may
seem
a
bit
like
a
scene
from
a
dooms
day
movie
but
there
is
good
news.
It
is
our
human
qualities
that
make
it
possible
to
combat
these
influences
while
our
children
are
growing
up,
and
we
can
do
that
through
conversation.
Sounds
simple
doesn’t
it?
Our
challenge
as
parents
is
to
be
positively
influential
so
that
our
kids
can
grow
up
have
the
best
chance
to
live
and
enjoyable
and
successful
life.
One
very
important
every
day
practice
at
our
disposal
to
positively
influence
our
children
is
conversations
–
for
it
is
through
conversations
that
we
relate,
get
things
done,
learn
to
live
together,
learn
about
the
world
and
develop
new
skills.
We
could
characterize
the
parenting
challenge
as
being
fundamentally
conversational
and
relational.
Part
of
this
challenge
is
to
develop
habitually
constructive
conversational
practices
–
just
like
a
ballet
dancer
or
a
basketball
player
must
develop
sound
practices
to
develop
their
skills,
parents
also
must
develop
sound
conversational
practices
that
foster
genuine
two-­‐way
relationships
with
their
children.
In
the
hurly
burly
nitty
gritty
business
of
everyday
family
life
of
simply
getting
things
done
in
the
never-­‐ending
number
of
household
and
parental
tasks
it
can
be
a
challenge
to
have
a
conversation
let
alone
do
it
constructively.
As
quickly
as
a
conversation
begins
it
can
end.
But
what
are
the
implications
of
a
conversation
ending
when
the
message
hasn’t
been
listened
to
the
way
you
intended
or
your
child
feeling
like
they
haven’t
been
understood
the
way
they
wanted?
Kids
are
constantly
changing
and
maturing
in
all
sorts
of
ways
and
it
can
be
hard
to
keep
up
with
these
changes.
Parents
need
to
make
constant
adjustments
and
changes
to
the
way
they
converse
to
influence
their
kids
in
more
productive
ways.
However,
parenting
is
not
an
easy
gig
and
there
is
no
perfect
parent
who
gets
it
right
all
the
time
believe
me!
Be
compassionate
to
yourself
and
remember
that
you
are
doing
your
best.
When
you
don’t
feel
constructive,
you’re
not
wrong.
The
conversation
perhaps
didn’t
end
up
how
you
intended
it,
however
there
is
always
something
to
learn,
and
a
different
approach.
These
seven
constructive
conversational
practices
can
be
used
with
your
kids
every
day
and
can
last
through
the
ages.

2.
Part
1
Practice
1:
Create
welcoming
conversational
spaces.
Snatch
opportunities
when
they
come:
We’re
all
busy.
So
it’s
really
important
to
find
those
opportunities
to
initiate
conversations.
The
more
little
moments
you
chat,
the
more
your
kids
will
feel
welcomed
into
and
part
of
conversation.
Finding
those
little
moments
while
you’re
in
your
‘busyness’
can
be
a
great
start
and
as
simple
as;
while
putting
out
the
garbage,
putting
on
your
makeup,
changing
the
oil
in
the
car,
cooking
the
dinner,
washing
up,
doing
the
shopping,
taking
a
rest
or
driving
to
and
from
school
sport.
Quite
conversations:
These
are
the
conversations
you
have
without
distractions.
Find
the
time
at
least
once
a
day
to
have
a
conversation
without
interruption.
Whether
it’s
5
or
50
minutes,
these
conversations
must
be
uninterrupted.
That
means
stopping
everything
including
television,
Internet
and
social
media.
It’s
not
the
length,
but
the
quality
of
the
conversation
that
counts
which
includes
being
attentive….
Practice
2:
Listen.
Take
a
moment
now
to
have
think
about
a
recent
conversation
you
had
with
your
child
and
get
a
sense
of
how
long
it
took
before
you
provided
a
solution,
gave
advice
or
told
them
‘how
it
is’.
When
we
do
this
our
kids
may
think
we
are
not
attuned
to
their
concerns.
Here
is
just
a
couple
of
ways
we
can
show
we
are
truly
tuned
in
and
listening…
Positioning:
It’s
really
important
that
your
child
can
sense
your
sincerity.
Whether
it’s
a
5
or
50
minute
conversation,
get
into
a
comfortable
position,
face
your
child
and
give
eye
contact.
Hold
the
space:
Wait
for
them
to
finish
speaking,
and
then
wait
some
more.
A
lot
of
learning
happens
in
the
space
between
the
words
and
yet
often
we
try
to
fill
up
the
space
with
‘life
lessons’.
When
you
give
this
a
try,
over
time
you’ll
be
surprised
at
the
things
you
hear
like
your
child’s
concerns,
worldviews,
their
own
solutions
to
problems
and
even
some
of
their
deepest
fears.
Part
2
Practice
3:
Listen
for
concerns.
We
have
many
daily
conversations
to
address
our
children’s
behaviours,
but
what’s
underneath
behaviour?
Our
behaviour
is
always
about
taking
care
of
something
that
really
matters
to
us,
that
we
are
not
likely
to
be
aware
of
in
the
moment,
and
always
has
an
emotional
component.
An
important
component
of
listening
for
concerns
is
acknowledging
even
the
most
intense
emotions
and
allowing
the
expression
of
them
as
a
starting
point
to
understanding.
How
can
this
broaden
communication?
As
you
allow
this
emotional
space,
the
concerns
of
your
child
can
start
to
become
apparent
for
both
of
you.
Consider
this
scenario:
A
16
year
old
was
informed
he
had
to
move
to
another
part
of
Australia
with
his
family.
The
family
move
was
unprecedented
and
the
teenager
did
not
want
to
move
away
from
his
friends
and
his
sport.
He
tried
to
explain
his
position
to
his
parents
but
to
him,
they
didn’t
appear
to
listen.
The
subject
was
closed.
One
early
evening
he
ran
away
from
home.
When
his

3.
parents
found
him,
there
were
consequences
for
running
away
and
the
conversation
was
closed.
The
teenager
was
forced
to
move
regardless
of
his
reasons
for
wanting
to
stay.
What
message
did
the
approach
send
to
the
teenager?
His
concerns
were
less
important
than
his
parents
and
there
was
no
space
to
make
them
apparent.
Was
the
teen’s
behaviour
a
way
of
dealing
with
his
fears
for
making
such
a
big
transition
to
another
state
and
leave
behind
his
friends
and
the
sport
he
loved?
The
teenager
and
the
parents
had
a
particular
way
of
behaving
that
was
taking
care
of
their
individual
concerns
and
potentially
neither
got
to
fully
understand
the
perspective
of
the
other.
Even
if
the
move
was
non-­‐negotiable,
perhaps
some
shared
understanding
might
have
softened
the
blow
or
provided
a
space
for
the
teen
to
express
his
concerns
and
emotions,
and
negotiate
the
conditions
of
the
move.
A
rule
of
thumb:
In
relationships
everyone’s
concerns
matter.
Role
modeling
win-­‐win
conversations
is
an
important
step
in
the
development
of
social
skills
and
emotional
resilience
for
a
growing
child
and
for
nurturing
and
developing
the
relationships
we
have
with
our
children.
What
difference
would
it
make
if
you
took
the
time
before
or
during
the
conversation
to
ask
yourself:
“What
seems
to
be
really
important
for
my
child
right
now?”
“What
really
matters
for
them
in
this
situation?”
“How
come
they
are
reacting
or
behaving
this
way?”
Asking
these
questions
steps
you
into
the
shoes
of
your
child
and
can
be
an
instant
mood
changer.
When
we
want
to
change
behaviour,
first
consider
what
might
be
going
on
and
then
open
up
the
door
for
conversation.
You
may
ask
more
resourceful
questions
when
you
are
truly
listening
for
concerns.
Practice
4:
Ask
questions.
A
really
good
way
to
keep
a
conversation
flowing
is
to
ask
questions,
then
give
your
child
time
to
provide
a
response.
However
there
is
a
danger
of
having
an
expectation
of
a
response.
Kids
don’t
always
know
how
to
respond
or
what
to
respond
with
and
they
need
time
to
digest
the
question.
You
may
have
to
wait
for
another
day.
However,
it’s
important
to
be
genuinely
curious
rather
than
interrogative.
Remember
the
scenario
in
practice
3?
If
you
have
placed
yourself
in
the
position
of
your
child,
you
are
less
likely
to
enter
into
and
stay
in
the
conversation
in
an
unresourceful
emotional
state.
When
you
open
up
a
conversation
with
questioning
it
has
a
flow
on
effect
and
allows
the
conversation
to
evolve
over
time.
A
word
of
warning:
Avoid
questions
that
begin
with
‘why’.
These
questions
automatically
send
a
message
that
you
might
be
questioning
their
intent
or
judging
an
action
–
‘why’
questions
can
be
conversation
‘stoppers’.
Open-­‐ended
questions
such
as
those
that
begin
with
what,
how
and
when
are
conversation
‘starters’.
The
following
examples
of
conversation
starters
can
help
your
child
express
how
they
are
feeling
and
articulate
their
perspective.
In
the
example
above
you
might
be
tempted
to
ask:
“Why
did
you
run
away?”
While
this
seems
like
a
perfectly
reasonable
question,
it
may
turn
into
a
conversation
stopper.
What
if
you
were
to
reframe
the
question
by
beginning
with
‘How’
or
‘what’?
For
example:
“How
can
you
help
me
to
understand
what’s
going
on
for
you?”
“What
are
you’re
your
concerns
that
I
am
not
seeing?”
These
two
conversation
starters
could
lead
to
further
exploration
about
the
teen’s
concerns
for
moving,
plus
help
to
negotiate
ways
to
make
the
move
work
for
everyone.
Further
exploration
and
understanding
perspectives
might
go
something
like
this:
“How
does
this
affect
you?”

4.
“What
would
you
do
if
you
were
me
in
this
situation?”
There’s
a
lot
to
learn
in
a
conversation
with
open-­‐ended
questions
and
you
may
be
surprised
at
what
appears.
Reminder:
Stay
attuned
to
their
concerns
and
sense
your
emotions
–
they
may
shift
a
few
times
even
as
the
conversation
evolves.
Practice
5:
Shared
understanding.
Many
conversations
can
be
matter
of
fact,
daily
conversing
with
no
intent
to
seek
an
outcome.
These
are
great
conversations
to
have
with
your
kids
and
can
be
laced
with
humour
and
joy.
However
we
all
know
they
are
not
all
like
that.
Reflection:
Think
of
a
time
where
you’ve
come
out
of
a
conversation
feeling
like
you
haven’t
been
understood.
Now
think
of
a
time
you’ve
come
out
of
a
conversation
and
found
that
the
person
speaking
to
you
didn’t
make
much
sense.
Conversational
practice
is
not
easy.
We
all
have
different
interpretations
and
perceptions
that
are
sometimes
difficult
to
understand.
The
world
is
full
of
assumptions
and
we
humans
are
really
good
at
sending
messages
in
our
conversations
that
we
assume
have
been
received
the
way
we
intended.
It’s
very
easy
to
fall
into
the
trap
of
making
assumptions
and
jumping
to
conclusions
that
we
have
been
understood.
A
great
indicator
that
we
haven’t
been
understood,
is
when
whatever
it
was
you
wanted
to
change,
didn’t
change.
It
is
the
response
(behaviours
and
actions)
of
the
listener
that
tells
us
if
our
message
has
or
has
not
been
understood.
Listening
involves
hearing
the
words
someone
is
speaking
and
continually
interpreting
those
words
plus
the
non-­‐verbal
gestures.
If
I
want
my
speaking
to
be
taken
on
board,
I
need
to
make
sure
the
words
I
speak
and
the
non-­‐verbal
gestures
I
use
take
into
consideration
how
the
listener
might
receive
it.
Unique
to
all
humans
is
our
capacity
and
need
to
make
meaning
of
things
in
order
to
coordinate
and
cooperate
together.
Because
this
human
characteristic
is
so
vital
to
living,
it’s
even
more
important
to
make
sure
our
message
is
being
received
in
the
way
it
was
intended.
It
can
take
many
conversations
over
time
to
come
to
a
shared
understanding.
Here
is
a
great
way
to
start:
Before
initiating
a
conversation
to
address
a
concern
try
asking
yourself
these
questions:
“What
is
the
reason
I
want
this
conversation?”
“Is
there
a
particular
outcome
I
am
wanting,
and
what
is
that?”
“How
can
I
make
sure
my
message
is
clear
and
as
I
intend
it?”
When
these
points
become
clear,
you
will
enter
into
the
conversation
from
a
more
resourceful
emotional
space,
and
its
more
likely
you
will
be
heard
the
way
you
intended.
Gaining
your
own
clarity
first,
will
help
your
child
understand
why
you
are
having
the
conversation
in
the
first
place,
which
can
place
them
in
a
better
emotional
conversational
space.
On
the
flip
side,
when
you
role
model
these
practices,
you
teach
your
children
to
be
great
conversationalists.

5.
Accusations
and
emotions
such
as
anger
and
frustration
shut
down
the
conversation
and
negate
the
sharing
of
perspectives
that
might
just
have
some
deeper
underlying
issues
at
play.
Keep
the
conversation
open
by
gaining
clarity
and
shared
understanding,
and
remember
practice
3,
listen
for
concerns.
Part
3
Practice
6:
Choose
your
mood.
The
right
conversation
in
the
wrong
mood
is
the
wrong
conversation.
Why
do
moods
matter?
Because
moods
and
emotions
continually
shape
our
perceptions
and
behaviours.
You
may
be
annoyed,
frustrated
or
hurt,
but
going
into
a
conversation
in
these
moods
with
a
harsh
tone
can
rapidly
throw
you
and
your
child
into
combat,
which
shuts
down
any
chance
of
shared
understanding.
Shared
understanding
allows
both
parent
and
child
to
work
through
the
concern
calmly,
and
ultimately
come
to
a
resolution.
Try
to
clearly
identify
your
own
moods
then
go
into
the
conversation
with
a
healthy
dose
of
curiosity
about
what
might
be
sitting
behind
the
problem
or
behaviour.
Remember
practice
2,
listen
and
hold
the
space.
Practice
7:
Build
trust.
Trust
is
the
glue
that
holds
relationships
together.
It
is
about
feeling
cared
for,
which
includes
feeling
treated
fairly
and
listened
to.
When
we
trust
someone,
we
believe
(sometimes
unconsciously)
that
they
are
likely
to
take
care
of
our
concerns.
Trust
emerges
from
the
myriad
of
conversations
we
have
with
our
children.
It
means
making
sure
we
are
keeping
our
promises
and
letting
them
know
in
all
sorts
of
ways
that
they
are
loved.
It
also
means
setting
and
maintaining
behavioural
boundaries
and
ensuring
consistency
in
what
you
insist
is
important
so
your
expectations
are
clear.
Because
trust
emerges
from
how
we
converse
and
relate
everyday
dealings
with
our
children,
it
requires
commitment
and
ongoing
practice.
In
a
moment
without
notice
it
can
be
compromised,
with
one
harsh
word,
or
one
gesture
that
sends
the
wrong
message.
When
our
children
trust
us
they
will
be
more
likely
to
come
to
us
with
their
concerns.
When
you
practice
the
first
6
practices
consistently,
you
will
start
to
show
up
as
someone
your
children
can
come
to
when
they
have
a
problem.
Your
child
will
strongly
believe
you
are
genuine
in
what
you
say
and
are
attuned
to
their
concerns.
Building
a
strong
foundation
for
trust
requires
leading
by
example.
Being
involved
in
conversations
with
genuine
concern
will
strengthen
connections,
send
a
beautiful
message
and
illuminate
the
inner
being
of
your
child.

6.
The
seven
practices
are
your
key
to
better
relationships
with
your
kids
Applying
these
practices
can
improve
your
chances
of
engaging
with,
and
developing
open
relationships
that
equip
you
to
help
your
child
combat
the
myriad
of
issues
they
face
in
this
face-­‐paced
world.
I
wish
you
all
the
best.
Contact
Jeanette
To
find
out
more
about
Seven
practices
workshops
Web:
www.authenticfoundations.com.au
Email:
Jeanette@authenticfoundations.com.au
Mobile:
0404
003
096
Conversations
With
Kids
practices
will
be
published
in
three
parts
in
the
Newfield
Institute
Newsletter.
Part
1
was
first
published
on
25th
February
2015.
Alan
Sieler
is
the
founder
and
director
of
Newfield
Institute
and
a
world
leader
in
ontological
coaching.
He
has
made
this
full
publication
available
in
advance.
www.newfieldinstitute.com.au