This document discusses mediation to stay married (MTSM), an alternative to divorce where a neutral mediator helps couples resolve conflicts and find practical solutions to keep their marriage intact. It explains that MTSM provides conflict resolution skills, models good behavior, and helps couples focus on short-term goals rather than deeper issues. The document also outlines useful mediation techniques, addresses gender and same-sex relationship issues, discusses how to define and resolve disputes over contributions to the marriage, and provides tips for building a MTSM practice.

1. Mediation to Stay Married
A Commonsense Application of
Conflict Resolution
Laurie Israel Attorney/Mediator Brookline, MA © 2008

2. How I Got Started
• Divorce lawyer experiences
• Fixable problems
• Reverse engineer the divorce
• Where to go if marriage counseling
“doesn’t work”
• Why can’t a mediator help?

3. What is Mediation to Stay Married?
• Mediation to Stay
Married or Marital
Mediation?
• What is in the word?
• Do people know the
terms?
• If people don’t know
about it, then how can
they find it?

4. Why People Want to Keep
Their Marriages
• Their problems travel with them into their
subsequent marriages
• Why should love turn into hate?
• Life-long marriages are very special
• Serial marriages are destabilizing

5. The “Bee in the Bonnet” Syndrome
• People unhappy in their
marriages don’t know
where to turn
• Often marital counseling
is unsuccessful
• They become obsessed
with thoughts of divorce
• The thoughts become a
self-fulfilling prophecy

6. What is Marriage?
• A set of personal and family relationships
• A story, a history
• Financial sharing
• Disagreements
• Conflict
• Moral support
• Sharing

7. How Mediation Can Help a
Marriage
• Mediation is conflict resolution
• Gives a couple a skill set to use
• Models good behavior for
couple
• Neutral third-party, honest
reaction to couple’s
interchanges

8. The Difference Between Mediation to
Stay Married and Marital Counseling
• The first question you will be asked
• What is the difference?
• Short-term, concrete
• Develop practical solutions
• Helps couple move forward in their
marriage
• They can solve deeper problems later
• Couple may find that deeper problems
actually disappear

9. Useful Mediation Techniques in
Mediation to Stay Married
• Active Listening
• Mirroring
• Reframing
• Brainstorming
• Interests v. Positions
• Powerful Non-defensive Communication
• Testing and Understanding Assumptions

10. Gender & Same-Sex Issues
• What if the spouses have
“classic” roles?
• What if the roles are
switched?
• Stress of two-worker family
• Difference between legally-
married and cohabitating
• Different cultural
expectations & values in
same-sex relationships

11. “Contribution” to Marriage
• What is contribution?
• Why is contribution
important?
• Differing perceptions
of contribution
• Probably the biggest
problem in marriage

12. What Issues can be Dealt With
• Communication
• Bickering
• Understanding each
other’s views
• Financial behavior
• Perception of other
party’s contributions

13. Should Marital Mediation Result in
a Written Agreement
• Are post-nuptial agreements enforceable
• Difference between pre-nuptial and post-
nuptial agreements
• Written Memorandum of Understanding
• Unwritten agreement
• Should reviewing attorneys be involved?

14. Other Resources Available
• Workshops
• Books on marriage
• Internet materials on marriage
• CDs & DVDs on marriage
• Joint consultation with divorce
or estate planning lawyer

15. How to Develop a Mediation to
Stay Married Practice
• Include it in your advertising brochure
• Include it on your website
• Write articles and post them on your
website
• Link to other people’s articles on MTSM
• Talk to people about it
• If you build it, they will come