Like the men they are attached to, penises come in all shapes, sizes, colors and dispositions. Some Porridge Guns are too hot, while others are too cold; some are happy, grumpy, sleepy or bashful. In the world of Goldicocks and the Seven Dwarves of Dicks, here are the top 10 penile insecurities that don't always produce a happy ending.

1. What's Wrong With Your Shlong?
10 Panic-Producing Penis Problems
Like the men they are attached to, penises come in all shapes,
sizes, colors and dispositions. Some Porridge Guns are too hot,
while others are too cold; some are happy, grumpy, sleepy or
bashful. In the world of Goldicocks and the Seven Dwarves of
Dicks, here are the top 10 penile insecurities that don't always
produce a happy ending.
By: NobleWorks Cards

2. 10. Too Big (there is no such thing)
For most men, tipping the scales
in size is far from being a
problem, yet some find that
their manaconda instills more
fear than your average one-eyed
trouser snake.

3. 9. Too Small (is it in yet?)
Tiny Tim once said, "God bless
us everyone," and he especially
meant those poor unfortunate
souls with wee willie winkies.

4. 8. Too Thick (it won't hurt)
When it comes to meat sticks
and blue-veined sausage, girth
can be friend or foe depending
on the fit. A hairy hot dog that
plumps when you cook it may
not fly in everyone's ballpark.

5. 7. Too Thin (pencil it in)
In a world where skinny reigns
supreme, a too thin thumper
may be deemed less exciting
than inserting a gentle glide
tampon.

6. 6. Too Fast (weiner-ing the race)
While we appreciate a
"Speedy Gonzales"-like skill
and premature ejaculatory
stamina, it’s usually better
when we have a chance to
take our panties off.

7. 5. Too Slow (slow boat to China)
This one goes out to the erectile
dysfunctional ones we love whose tools
remain limp even after hours of
foreplay. Slow and steady doesn't
always win the race, and these
Olimpians will always swear it's never
happened to them before.

8. 4. Too Curvy (around the bend)
The trouble with the curve?
Although a curvy tan banana
can be fun for the adventurous,
some partners just don’t bend it
like Beckham that way.

9. 3. Too Bumpy (inter-coarse)
At times there are bumps in the
road that make us stronger, and at
times there are bumps on the
penis that make us visit the free
clinic.

10. 2. Too Foreskinny (the penis, uncut!)
While some love the autumnal
sweater sheathed-like look of an
uncircumcised penis, most folks
will say they like their tools the
way they like their favorite jeans
... perfectly cut.

11. 1. Too Lonely (get out the tissues and Vaseline)
And the biggest hang-ups men have
about their Just-in Beavers? They
don’t have anyone to play with.

12. NobleWorks Cards
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