Dealing with difficult people is only as stressful as you allow it to be. By discovering what makes them difficult we start understanding how to deal with them
2. Dealing with Difficult People
Learning Objectives
Learn methods to stay on track, when difficult
people want to derail you
Set stage for collaboration not conflict
Identify types of difficult people, their thoughts,
fears and reasons for their behaviours
Learn strategies to deal with these behaviours
Angelis Consulting 2002
3. What is a difficult person?
They don’t do what you want them to
They do what you don’t want them to
You don’t know to do about it!
YIKES !
Angelis Consulting 2002
4. Who is difficult for YOU?
What do they do that pushes your
buttons?
What is your usual response?
Angelis Consulting 2002
5. Reactive
Stimulus Response
What are your reactive responses?
Angelis Consulting 2002
6. Proactive
Stimulus Choice Response
What would you like your proactive response to
look like?
Angelis Consulting 2002
7. What Difficult People Do . . .
Loud
Overbearing Look at me; I’m very
important
Physically or verbally abusive
Tyrants
Indecisive
Explosive
Angelis Consulting 2002
8. What else do they do?
Nag, whine, complain
Lie
Sabotage relationships
Lack integrity
For most, the cause is anger or fear, for
others it is a technique.
Angelis Consulting 2002
9. I don’t work here, I’m a consultant.
I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
You are validating my inherent distrust
of strangers.
Angelis Consulting 2002
10. Causes of Anger
Anger comes from an empty place they are
trying to cover up. It has less to do with you
than you think.
Anger has two causes: the cause of the
distress and the exacerbating helplessness
when no one listens.
Fear, being needy, self indulgent, resistant to
change, insist on being right, see themselves
as victims
Angelis Consulting 2002
11. Special Techniques for
Talking with Angry Clients
Listen and remember their anger is not
personal; they are angry at the problem.
Apologize and acknowledge both the
message and their feelings in a sincere
manner.
Sympathize and draw out what happened.
Accept responsibility for the problem.
Prepare to help, ask questions and convey
personal caring.
Angelis Consulting 2002
12. Your Options for Dealing With
Difficult People
Stay and do nothing at all
Stay and accept their behaviour
Stay and change your attitudes and
behaviour so that you can change your
relationship with the difficult person
(proactive response)
Leave
Angelis Consulting 2002
13. 3 Steps for Dealing with
Difficult People
Kn
ow
le!
wh
xi b
at
fl e
yo
Be
uwa
Pay close attention! nt!
Angelis Consulting 2002
14. Staying on Track
1) Have a direction that is positive and specific –
knowing what you want in regards to the
difficult person
“ if the results you are getting are not the results you want to
be getting, then what has to change?”
“where there is no vision people perish”
2) Paying close attention to behaviour rather
than assumptions
Hearing-seeing-doing
Purge your assumptions (voice, body posture, facial
expressions etc.)
Analyze others’ assumptions about YOU!
Pretend you are a neutral third party
Angelis Consulting 2002
15. Staying on Track
3) Be Flexible!
• deviate from what you have been doing
• Introduce a new variable into the dynamics of the relationship with
the difficult person!
Angelis Consulting 2002
16. I see you have set aside this special
time to humiliate yourself in public!
You sound reasonable . . . (time to up
my medication).
I’ll try being nicer if you try being
smarter!
Angelis Consulting 2002
21. Pacing
Reduce your differences
Find common ground
Minimize insecurity and defensiveness
Match: syntax
tone
actions
understand the other’s
considerations
Angelis Consulting 2002
22. What we respond to . . . .
55% visual
38% sound (tone)
7% actual words
Angelis Consulting 2002
23. Pace Their
Physical
Posture, facial expressions and gestures
Rate of speech
Mental
Words and phrases
Tone, tempo and volume
Emotional
Mood and emotion
Angelis Consulting 2002
24. Remember when you pace
Pay attention
Be flexible enough to meet them on the
common ground that you’ll find
Don’t over do it – be aware of timing
Angelis Consulting 2002
25. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and
challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you
doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
I don’t know what your problem is but I’ll
bet it’s hard to pronounce.
Angelis Consulting 2002
26. The Last 7% - The Words
Basic Needs in Communication
Need to be valued
Make them know you hear them
Backtracking – repeat in THEIR words
Need to be understood
Clarify, paraphrase in YOUR words
Ask questions
Angelis Consulting 2002
27. 4 Parts of Communication
1. Intent
2. Criteria
3. Content
4. Process (55%, 38%, 7%)
Angelis Consulting 2002
28. Steps
State your positive intent.
Validate their concerns
State relevant criteria.
What needs, desires and motivators need
to be satisfied
Content positive and forward moving
Pay Attention to the process
(55%, 38%, 7%)
Angelis Consulting 2002
30. Task
Analytics Rulers
Accurate, detail oriented, Bottom-line directors.
and precise. Insufficient When they fear loss of
data causes them to shut control they attack as:
down as:
Tanks, Snipers /
Complainers or / Know-It-alls
Passive No people Aggressive
Relators Entertainers
Sensitive people-people
Decisive, enthusiastic
that thrive on personal
performers. When their act
contact. To avoid nasty
is ignored, they play the role
confrontations they “get
of
along”
Grenades or/
Yes People or/
Think-They-Know-It-Alls
Maybe people
People
Angelis Consulting 2002
32. The Ruler Gone Baaaaad!
1) Tank
Abrupt, intimidating and
pushy
Hostile, aggressive bullies
that run right over you
Communication Goals:
Stand your ground
give them time to run down
Be firm with your comments, pace the intensity
Go for completion
Express your interests assertively
Pace the intent – to get things done
Angelis Consulting 2002
33. 2) Sniper
Covert hostility emerges as wisecracks and
cutting remarks!
Really angry at their goals being blocked
In turn, they take opportunities to block yours!
Communication Goals:
Bring the grievance to the
surface, call attention to
sarcasm
Provide a peaceful alternative
Determine if group agrees or
disagrees with sniper’s opinion
Get specific about legitimate
problems brought to the surface
Angelis Consulting 2002
34. 3) The Know it All
Arrogant experts
Grew up in an atmosphere of
certainty
Need to be perceived as
knowing everything to avoid
punishment
Communication Goals:
Get them to consider your alternatives
You must be knowledgeable yourself
Listepn and acknowledge their comments
Present your idea as a detour (a possibility for
the future!)
Guard against your own tendency to be a “know
it all” !
Angelis Consulting 2002
35. Stressed Out Analytics
4) Chronic Complainers
Whining, always finding
fault, never solutions
Cannot make decisions!
Communication Goals:
Get them to switch to problem solving!
Listen attentively (let them relieve their stress)
Interrupt lightly and firmly and ask specific questions
(but not why)
Don’t agree with the complaints – state the facts
Assign them tasks – to track specifics
Set a time limit on discussion and ask how they want
the conversation to end
If they complain about another person - redirect
them to that person
Angelis Consulting 2002
36. 5) No!!! People
Negative and pessimistic, they can throw a wet
blanket over the entire organization
Want to protect everyone from making mistakes
Communication Goals:
Avoid being dragged in
Take the time to specify
the issues
Identify the risks
(negatives) and
acknowledge them
before they can – use
them as a resource
Be prepared to take
action by yourself
Angelis Consulting 2002
37. Relators Under Stress
6) Maybe People
Don’t want to step on toes –
so don’t make decisions
until it is too late
Communication Goals:
Make it safe for them to be honest
Reassure that that your relationship will improve
Have an honest dialogue
Problem solve any issues, use the facts
Prioritize alternatives
Give them support for their decision
Leave the action steps in your hands
Angelis Consulting 2002
38. 7) Yes!!! People
You can trust them to
agree – at all cost!
Don’t follow through
Afraid of disapproval
Communication Goals:
Get them out of the stress response
Reassure and make it safe
Ask specific questions that bring the
problem to the surface
Lead them thru problem solving
Ensure commitment
Angelis Consulting 2002
39. Stressed Out Entertainers
8) Grenades
Temper tantrums
Defense to cope with fear,
frustration, loss of face
Communication Goals:
Help them regain self control
Get their attention and show your
concern for their prestige
Take time out
Find out what triggered the
explosion in the first place!
Angelis Consulting 2002
40. 9) Think They Know It Alls
Their grand ideas that lead down
roads that go nowhere
Communication Goals:
State the facts
using I statements
Get their idea put
aside without
making them look
bad
Do not inhale the
hot air
Angelis Consulting 2002
41. 10) Nothing People
Seal up, and say nothing
Communication Goals:
Reassure and make it safe
Ask open ended questions
Provide an opportunity to respond, look
expectantly and wait
Angelis Consulting 2002
42. Any connection between your reality
and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
don’t give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I
was young and stupid.
Angelis Consulting 2002
43. You don’t need to be a shrink!
This is not a quick fix!
We need to respond differently to
people to encourage a different
response from them
Angelis Consulting 2002
44. The least you need to know
Most difficult people aren’t disturbed or crazy
Some people don’t know how to act in less
difficult ways
Most people are difficult because of
What they have learned
How they are rewarded for their behaviour
Understanding why makes dealing with them
less difficult
Angelis Consulting 2002
45. What am I ? Flypaper for Freaks!
I’m not being rude. You’re just
insignificant.
I’m already visualizing the duct tape
over your mouth.
Angelis Consulting 2002
