Children\'s Comedy Sketch The After Life Application Service By Anna McDonald 18 September 2011

1. Children's Comedy Sketch
The After Life Application Service
By Anna McDonald
18 September 2011
© 2011 Anna McDonald

2. The After Life Application Service
Scene 1
A seventeen/eighteen year-old boy (STEVEN GREEN) is sitting at a desk in his room wearing a
black t-Shirt and Dark blue jeans. The room is decked out in all typical teenage finery. Posters of
Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Amy Pond and The Doctor are on the walls, clothes filed under F for
Floor. A bookshelf contains and interesting collection of literature, ranging from the completed
works of JK Rowling to The Bröntes to Science Text books. This room belongs to a student. The
desk is laden with important looking bits of paper and a large stack of Prospectus’. The Boy
(STEVEN) is filling in an online form on his Mac Book for UCAS. A football kit is placed next the
door, waiting to be taken as he leaves.
Mother (from downstairs)
You know Steve; you can’t put football on your UCAS application if you never turn up for training?
Steven
He checks his watch
Shit.
He saves his progress leaps out of his chair grabs his footie kit and exists his room in a rush. He
runs down the stairs.
Slater Mum
He grabs his keys, shoves them in his jeans pockets and rushes out of the door. He jogs across
the road, not looking where he is going. There is a screech of tyres, the camera shows a shot of
his eyes wide. A thud of flesh hitting metal. Form Steven’s view point we see him fall over and hit
the tarmac. The Screen white-outs.
Scene 2
The scene starts of very blurred yet slowly becomes clear to reveal a white waiting room. The
walls are white, the chairs are white, all the people in the room are wearing white as well. Con-
fused, Steven gets up and looks around the room some more, he looks down and, shocked, sees
that he is now wearing a white top and white skinny jeans.
Receptionist
Ah! Mr Green, we weren’t expecting you so soon!
Steven turns around and sees a smiling women sitting at white receptionists desk.
Steven
Erm… where am I?
The receptionist smiles merrily

3. Receptionist
Your Dead.
Steven
You- wha?
Receptionist
Deceased. No more. Kicked the bucket. Deleted. Partying with the Angels. Worm food.
Steven
Well, that’s... lovely.
Sudden realisation hits STEVEN causing him to look shocked and annoyed
I only just finished my UCAS! Wasted Life Much!
More to self than anyone else
Stupid Shelly.
Receptionist
Wonderful. Now if I could just have your ALAS form I can progress your application.
Steven
My, wha?
Receptionist
Your After Life Application Service form. Like UCAS. Only this will effect your for the rest of your
eternal life.
Steven still looks confused and the receptionist smiles pityingly if not in a slightly condescending
way.
Did you not realise that you were going to die?
Steven
Not really, it sort of just suddenly hit me.
Receptionist
She sighs
Well why didn’t you say so? You’ll be needing to speak to one of our Bereavement Guidance
Councillors.
She checks her computer
Room 7 is available now.

4. RECEPTIONIST indicates down the corridor to her right. STEVEN walks down towards it, cau-
tiously. At the end of the corridor is an ordinary office door (white of course) STEVEN reads the
sign on the door
STEVEN
Ms Aeron Jones. Bereavement Guidance Councillor. PhD, BaHumbug, TTFN, DIY.
Tentatively he knocks on the door. An overly cheery voice from within answers.
AERON
Enter!
Scene 3
STEVEN enters the room. It is an ordinary office with representations in the form of statues, post-
ers etc from all the worlds major religions. From Christianity to Shinto. From Islam to Buddhism.
Sitting at the desk is a beaming women wearing a white suit. Her desk is laden down with papers
yet is still neat and organised. Before her is large, comfortable white leather chair. She indicates
for STEVEN to sit down. AERON is nice enough, but condescending. She would have made an
excellent Primary school teacher, but you would have hated her in year 9.
So
AERON consults her notes.
Mr. Green. I hear you haven’t filled out your ALAS form.
She tuts and STEVEN rolls his eyes.
STEVEN
Yeah, well, A) I have never heard of ALAS until today and B) as I told money penny out there, I
didn’t know I was going to die!
AERON tuts again.
AERON
We’re all going to die Mr Green. Well, we won’t of course because you’re already dead and I’m
immortal.
She laughs as though this is the funniest joke told since someone first mentioned the phrase “And
the bar man says”.
Sucks to be you!
She continues to laugh. STEVEN is not impressed. What possible affection he might have had for
her has disappeared faster than the last Quality Street.
AERON regains control of herself and gets back to the matter in hand.
Well, we can’t do anything about it now. So, Mr Green, have you considered what sort of After Life
you would like?

5. STEVEN
Well. I haven’t really put much thought into it. I guess one that isn’t, you know, meant for Evil peo-
ple. Hell would, you know, kinda suck.
AERON
Well, would you be looking at any Dara group after lives?
STEVEN
You, what?
AERON
My my, we really don’t know much about the after life do we!
She consults a bit of paper
And yet you got an A in Philosophy and Ethics! My my what do they teach children this century?
She addresses him like a 5 year old who has just asked why the leaves are green.
A Dara group afterlife is the best afterlife available in this Universe. It covers everything from
Heaven to Valhalla!
STEVEN
So it’s like the Russell Group? Yeah?
AERON
Well, I guess. But, put it this way. If life were a comedy panel show where, oh I don’t know, people
took the Mickey out of the weeks news, The Russell group would just be a guest, but the Dara
group would be hosting the show! But I must warn you Mr Green. The Dara group after lives are
very difficult to get into. It will take a lot more than eating fish on a Friday to get you in. What a
Dara Group wants is someone of all round moral fibre. What do you do in your spare time Mr
Green?
STEVEN
Erm. Well.
He counts on his fingers
I’m captain of the football. I’m a young leader in the scouts. On the school debate team. Head
Boy. I’ve got my Gold Duke of Edinburgh. Any of this good?

6. AERON
Well. I guess it’s a start. But have you ever done anything really important? Like, oh I don’t know,
saved the life of a pregnant woman using only a craft knife and ball point pen? De-fused a bomb
hanging round the neck of a school girl, saving her life and the life of all five-hundred people
trapped in the building? Stopped an Alien invasion of earth using only your wit, good looks and a
screwdriver? We had a man in earlier, what was his name, Greg, Gaunt, Gandalf, Ghandi! That’s
it Ghandi, who brought independence to his country through peaceful protest, risking his life on
many occasions through voluntary hunger strikes. Ever done anything like that?
STEVEN
I once rescued a cat from a tree for an old lady. That the sort of thing you want?
AERON
Well. I guess it’s better than nothing.
She writes on her paper.
Now, I’m sorry that I have to ask Mr. Green, But we do have a few questions I need you to answer
before we can go any further. Just to asses your suitability for certain Dara Group Deaths. Answer
as truthfully as possible now, we will be able know if you have lied.
STEVEN
Ok.
AERON
She sorts out her papers.
So. Question One. Have you ever killed a man/woman/child/hermaphrodite/undecided sentient
being?
STEVEN
No.
AERON
Question Two. Have you ever eaten produce from an animal.
STEVEN
Yes
AERON
Have you ever eaten Sus scrofa domesticus aka. The domesticated Pig?
STEVEN
Does bacon count?

7. AERON
Yes.
STEVEN
Then yes.
AERON
Would you consider that you have kept your body a) Extremely clean from harmful toxins (e.g. be-
ing t-total) b) Very Clean from harmful toxins (e.g. only drink for toasts for formal occasions) c)
Relatively clean from harmful toxins (e.g. drinking sacramental wine) d) Not clean from harmful
toxins (E.g. getting absolutely hammered at the Christmas party every year culminating in you
scanning your bottom and then sending a copy to your boss, Ex-girlfriend and mother via email) e)
Very unclean due to harmful toxins (e.g. Drinking so much over a long period of time that you lost
all sense of reason and watched big brother on channel 5 and not just because Jedwood are in-
sane) or f) Extremely unclean due to harmful toxins (e.g. you once drank a combination of fanta,
coke, lilt, takelia, coffee, vodka and marmite and enjoyed it because you have completely de-
stroyed your taste buds)
STEVEN
Er. At a guess. C?
AERON
Team Edward or Team Jacob?
STEVEN
Defiant
Dumbledore’s army.
AERON
Lovely. The rest I’m sure I can fill in using your personal statement
She holds up a piece of paper. STEVEN looks confused
STEVEN
I didn’t write any
AERON
Still looking down at notes
And that’s why it’s so personal. No rambling on see.
STEVEN rolls his eyes and mutters
STEVEN
You’re telling me off for rambling on.

8. AERON
So I just need to know, have you ever worshiped any false idols. Any golden cows hiding in your
wardrobe?
STEVEN
Not that I’m aware of.
AERON
Really? Because our police beings found this in your closet.
She pulls up a Katie Price/Jordon calendar.
Now then, Mr Green. I can assure you that she is both golden and a cow. And that those are most
definitely false. So. Would you like to re-phrase your answer?
STEVEN
Tha-that isn’t mine. I have a winnie the pooh calendar!
AERON gives him the “oh really” teacher look
Ok! It’s mine. But it was a present. That I happen to have used. Often. I don’t worship her or any-
thing! Not… really. But if looking at her everyday and having a healthy obsession with her female
beauty, writing to her asking for advice, offering her gifts in return for certain favours, counts as
worship, then yeah, I worship her!
AERON smiles and writes down more.
AERON
Oh and, just to cover all bases, the car that hit you, it wasn’t an evil enemy was it? You weren’t in
a blood feud with it?
STEVEN
It was a car. So. Erm. Let me guess. NO!
AERON
Shame. Could have argued you had died in battle then… Valhalla would be right up your street…
drinking and partying till the early hours of the day, as many prostitutes as you could wish for. Bit
like fresher's week really. Only continuous and you don’t have to worry about actually working at
the end of it.
STEVEN looks slightly down hearted at this
But don’t worry Mr Green, we just won’t bother applying in the Norse fashion. As lovely as the
people in Helheim are, no amount of ABBA karaoke can make up for the amount of stale Goats
urine you have to drink. Trust me. Now there’s a holiday I’d rather forget…
She looks down at her notebook. After a while STEVEN speaks again

9. STEVEN
So, are we done then? Do I just, wait outside now, in the erm, waiting room?
AERON
Yes. I believe I have all I need for now. You want to get into some sort of heaven really. Ah.
She notices something on a piece of paper.
I see you only got a D in AS Geography.
STEVEN
Yeah, So? I dropped it. I got an A in History though!
AERON
Yes dear, but you need a four Bs to get into heaven. But don’t worry. You can always defer until
next year and do a re-take via our reincarnation service.
THE END! =D