Catholic Charities Social Workers Handbook

Table of Contents
Monday, May 17, 2010
10:16 AM

TABLE OF CONTENTS

SECTION I

Introduction Training Considerations for Agency Personal

Defining Non-Identifying Information

Protocol for Handling Inquiries

The Role of the Professional in a Search

Personal Characteristics of the Professional

Doing Searches Who May Search

The Preparation

Making Contact with the Sought Party

Mediating Contact

Legal Release Forms

Establishing Direct Contact

Stages of the Relationship

Establishing Fees

The "How To's" of Searching

Conducting a Search

SECTION II

Case Studies

SECTION III

Sample Forms

Table of Contents Page 1

Sample Forms

© 1997 by Catholic Charities USA
Manual prepared by Patricia Martinez Dorner, MA, LPC, LMFT ADOPTION

SEARCH: AN ETHICAL GUIDE FOR PRACTITIONERS

"To forget one's ancestors is to be a brook without a source, A tree without
root…."
------ Chinese Proverb
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Table of Contents Page 2

Introduction
10:22 AM

INTRODUCTION

The practice of adoption has undergone dramatic changes in the last 20 years. An
explosion of evolving understanding has influenced practice and philosophy
throughout the United States. Instead of secrecy and barriers to contact, there is an
increased emphasis on openness and knowledge. The voices of those impacted by the
adoption journey have clamored to be heard. Adopted persons, birthparents and
adoptive parents have educated professionals about the complexities of living with
adoption. What was believed to be a simple journey has instead, resulted in being a
highly complex life experience. The beliefs guiding adoption practice from the 1930's
to the 1970's, are well documented in books such as Dear Birthmother, which detail
typical myths. In keeping with societal norms of the time, facilitating an adoption with
a veil of secrecy was considered vital for the well being of all concerned, especially the
adoptive family. Secrecy would prevent the birthparents from intruding and would
allow the family to integrate into the larger community as though the children had
been born to the adoptive parents. Thus, an adversarial model was created where in
order to join a family by adoption, one had to obliterate the family by birth. Making
this very feasible was the belief that birthparents forgot the children they birthed.
Society emblazoned birthparents with symbols of shame, removing them from the
ranks of the worthy once an adoption occurred. After all, what caring parent would
give away her child? Supporting the sanctity of the adoptive family, was the belief
that adopted persons would have no need to know about their birth families. If and
when they did, it became a sure sign that they didn't love their adoptive families and
were demonstrating a lack of gratitude. The rise of the adoption movement in the
70's began to erode these popularly held beliefs. Adopted persons began to openly
acknowledge a profound need to know their birth families. They expressed a love and
loyalty for their families by adoption. The need to know in no way denied the
adoption ties. The search for self was identified as central to the quest. Birthparents
came out of the closet, joining ranks to belie the "forgetting" myth. No matter what
their personal story, the thread that joined them, was a love of their children and a
need to know of their welfare. The honoring of the adoptive parents was consistently
expressed while identifying their own need to know. Adoptive parents gradually
joined the voices, exhibiting a heightened understanding of their children1s needs.
Where the fear of birthparents had previously guided their experience, increased
empathy and awareness now brought their participation. In growing numbers, they
seek changes in the laws and practice areas which would allow their children access to
their birth families. Little by little, agencies began to offer services that were

Introduction Page 3

responsive to the expressed needs of their clients from the past. The challenge was to
identify~ the nature of the services in light of "promises" of the past. The "promises"
tended to revolve around confidentiality and ownership issues. Adoptive parents
were often told that the child would be theirs with no chance of intrusion by the birth
family. Withholding information about identities of all parties sealed the possibility of
paths crossing by chance or on purpose. Whether birthparents asked for it or not,
they were bestowed with secrecy. Many will state that they never were, in fact,
promised secrecy nor did they ask for it. The process of adoption involved
professionals making decisions for all involved. The conviction being, that this was the
desirable way to create families by adoption and respond to a crisis in the
birthmother's life. Because adoptions of the past left the majority of the decision
making in the professional arena, feelings were created within the participants of not
being in charge of one's own life. Birthparents accepted it because that was the norm
at the time. The stigma of bearing a child usually born out of wedlock was such, that it
stripped them of the right to make most decisions pertaining to the child. The social
climate was very punitive often forbidding the birthmother to even see her child.
Adoptive parents invariably were willing to turn the controls over to the professionals
because their family unit was created as a result. They were typically left with the
belief that a family brought together by adoption was no different from any other
family. The issues of infertility were not yet understood. The search will often bring
about the resurgence of infertility issues, sometimes blocking the ability of adoptive
parents to support search efforts involving their children. The changing of the "rules"
can be both unnerving and joyful to clients from the past. How their reactions are
handled will set the tone for the delivery of post adoption services. No one ever
imagined that these would even exist, much less that they would tear down the walls
obstructing contact. The goal becomes to help these persons understand the changes
being empathic to their concerns and fears while serving those who can't wait to
participate. Mental health services are intended to respond to the expressed needs of
the population being served. It seemed appropriate to maintain the status quo while
there was no feedback from the participants about the effects of closed adoption.
Once the awareness grew about its impact on all parties, adjustments in practice
became reasonable and necessary. Given the new knowledge, it would be inexcusable
and unethical not to develop new professional standards. When the focus is on the
expressed needs of the client, services become more easily defined. The creation of
responsive services then, does not give more importance to one party over the other.
Instead it allows for connections to happen whenever it is mutually desired.
Birthparents seek to make themselves available to their children. They ask about the
welfare of these children. Adopted persons seek information about their heritage
contained in agency files and ask for contact with their birthparents. Agencies are
custodians of adoption files. As such, barring state laws prohibiting the use of these
files, services can be offered while maintaining appropriate confidentiality. The
guiding concept is that, without revealing identities until permission is granted by the
adults involved, agency personnel can respond to clients through a wide range of
services. Instead of assuming that these adults wish no contact, a proactive agency
stance allows them the capability of determining for themselves whether to

Introduction Page 4

stance allows them the capability of determining for themselves whether to
participate or not. This model addresses client self determination responsibly. The
professional turns over decision making capabilities to the persons affected by the
adoption. It is vital to stress that the need to connect through a search is totally
normal. The development of search related services creates avenues for triad
members to respond to this need when they choose to search through the agency. As
such, caution is indicated so that there is not a prolongation of counseling
requirements or of involvement on the part of the professional that might suggest
that there is anything maladaptive about searching. The focus of this manual will be
the search. It is intended to provide guidelines regarding this area of post adoption
services. Among the subjects to be covered will be: * training considerations for
agency personnel * defining who may request a search * preparation and support
issues for those involved * sharing non identifying information * the role of
confidentiality in a mediated contact * the how to's of searching * sample cases
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Introduction Page 5

Training Considerations for Agency Personnel
10:36 AM

TRAINING CONSIDERATIONS FOR AGENCY PERSONNEL

To successfully provide a search service, support is necessary from administrators
and board members. The more they have an understanding about adoption
complexities and the many layers of a search, the more they will be supportive of all
the ramifications. Educational efforts would include these persons who may
otherwise only get feedback when there is a problem. It is not enough to provide
the service and only train those who will be searching.
The support of the administration and the board is of vital importance especially
when any facet of the service is challenged by former or current clients. The nature
of post adoption services involves balancing the needs of triad members. These
needs are not always complementary and as such, require a clear vision regarding
the legitimacy of the services themselves and how to best provide them. While the
characteristics of a search will have many similar components, there will always be
new angles to consider that require a discerning practitioner. It is virtually
impossible to anticipate every scenario that may arise during the course of a search
and contact.
Building in a case management and supervision model allows for dialogue regarding
complexities within cases. It will also expand the knowledge base of other staff and
supervisors not directly involved in the direct provision of these services.
Furthermore, it will guard against the isolation of post adoption staff and exclusively
unilateral decision making.
Needless to say, in order to maximize positive outcomes in a search, it is vital that
the professional handling each request be trained. This includes training for support
staff so that there is a clear awareness that searches can be requested and what the
surrounding issues are. A sensitivity to every inquiring telephone call and letter
validates the normalcy of the need to pursue a search. Support staff such as
secretaries are often the first point of contact. Determinations will be made
internally as to what their role will be in providing information.
Of major importance is a non judgmental stance regardless of which triad member
approaches. Major courage is required to request a search.
Even an initiating phone call or letter is an expression of this ingredient. Typically,
the expectation is to be rebuffed by the agency. There is a tremendous mental
health benefit when there is a warm and understanding reception. Oftentimes, an
inquiry does not lead to a request for services immediately. Pursuing a search
involves a readiness to risk rejection which is uniquely and personally timed. Only
Training Considerations for Agency Personnel Page 6

involves a readiness to risk rejection which is uniquely and personally timed. Only
the person involved can determine when the right time to search has arrived.
Searching is not an impulsive act; it is usually preceded by a great deal of thought
and trepidation.
Thus, any communication with adoption triad members is of significance and should
be documented and promptly placed in the appropriate file in order to maintain an
updated record. As the Adoptees Liberty Movement of America (ALMA is a search &
support advocacy organization) sticker reads, "THAT'S NO FILE, IT'S MY LIFE!". As
more people make their approaches, there will continue to be growing numbers
where both parties have contacted the agency. Documentation would include full
name, address, home and work telephone numbers, driver's license number, social
security number, spouse's name and whether this person can be contacted,
openness to contact, and any other notes deemed appropriate. The value of this
information is significant in the event an approach is made by the other party.
There is a tremendous impact when triad members learn that there has been an
inquiry.

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Training Considerations for Agency Personnel Page 7

Protocol for Handling Inquiries
10:43 AM

PROTOCOL FOR HANDLING INQUIRIES

Agencies receive a multitude of calls from persons whose adoptions they handled. The
most typical callers are adopted persons, birthmothers and adoptive parents. There
are also inquiries by birthfathers, relatives and helpful friends. Establishing a protocol
for handling these different parties will protect the confidentiality of triad members.
General information about services can safely be given to anyone. Procedures for
confirming any given adoption would include a written request with proof of identity
from the requesting party. It is appropriate to confirm and provide information to
adopted adults, birthmothers and birthfathers who are named within the file. The
agency will define how to handle inquiries from other parties where special
considerations must be taken into account. Inquiries from Adoptive Parents and
Siblings Adoptive parents of adults have a right to receive information contained in the
file about their children's birth family. As agencies have become less secretive, more
information is being shared that was not available before. There are many adoptive
parents that obtain non identifying information for their adult children. However, it is
not appropriate to share search related information with them unless their children
have included them in the process. Many adopted adults choose not to tell their
parents about their interest in, or involvement with, a search. It is their right to
determine when, and if, they tell. This consideration will also apply to siblings who are
adopted within the same family. Sometimes decisions are made to keep the matter
private and this needs to be respected. The professional may provide search assistance
for more than one family member, maintaining privacy for all involved. Eventually,
most people do share this major life event with their family members. The timing is
determined by them and usually done from a more adult and stronger posture. That is,
sharing happens without being reduced to childhood status; without asking for
permission. That is the appropriate way healthy adults handle their personal matters.
It is not appropriate for the agency to have requirements about telling adoptive
parents about the search. However, the professional is able to help in the
identification of the blockages to telling, in assessing when there is readiness to tell,
and with the management of others' reactions. Birthfathers Who Are Not Named in
the File When a birthfather inquires about an adoption, it is necessary to establish if he
is named in the file as the identified birthfather. One would gather data about him as
well as the birthmothers name and the date or year of the birth and adoption. If his
name does not appear in agency records, no confirmation about the agency
involvement or the adoption should occur. Birthfather inquiries are best handled by
indicating that a search will be made to determine if his name appears in relation to

Protocol for Handling Inquiries Page 8

any adoption the agency has handled. This avoids jeopardizing the privacy of any
birthmother and does not confirm any adoption related to the birthmother he has
identified. It is important to underline that this procedure is not meant in any way to
discriminate against birthfathers but rather to protect the confidentiality of the
birthmother. An option open to him would be for him to locate the birthmother and
get verification that he is indeed the birthfather. Sensitivity to the frustration of these
birthfathers is vital. Many have already felt and indeed been, discounted throughout
the adoption process. Verbalizing to him that there is empathy for his predicament can
assist a birthfather as he makes subsequent decisions about his quest. Options are
then left open for the provision of future services. When Relatives and Friends Seek
Information There are triad members who are hesitant or fearful of inquiring about
any aspect of their adoption themselves. Sometimes they will turn over the inquiry to
relatives or friends. Information about services can certainly be provided to these
individuals. However, encouraging direct communication, even when providing
general information, can be empowering for the triad member. Typically, the fear of
rejection of one's needs, even from the agency, intimidates many. The rejection can
even be felt in the expectation that seeking services is not normal or that services are
not available. Birthparents' relatives that inquire about services the most frequently
are spouses, parents and offspring. If it is documented within the file that they know
about the adoption, then with proper documentation of identity, a range of
information may be shared. For example, grandparents may want to learn about the
child's welfare and whether there has been updated information. This type of inquiry
may later lead to a search. It is not recommended that services be offered to a spouse
or a friend in the absence of the triad member. While these parties can be support
sources during a search, they are not identified as candidates for direct services. A
spouse who takes over the search for her mate, often is guided by her need and
timing, and it is not always matched with her spouse's need and timing. By requiring
authorization and documentation from the principals, (adoptees and birthparents),
control is left in their court as to when they wish to include others. When Both Parties
Have Come Forward It is increasingly common to find that a birthparent and her child
have contacted the agency, sometimes leaving authorization for release of information
and identity. Defining a protocol for handling these situations is important. It is
recommended that each party be contacted to determine if there is still a readiness to
proceed with direct contact. When addresses and phone numbers are no longer
current for either party, it may be necessary to redefine the case as a search with
funding covered by the interested party. Experience has demonstrated that life
changes can create a situation whereby contact may no longer be timely.
Furthermore, to release information without notification can be unbalancing to those
involved because it is unexpected. Paying attention to these elements diminishes
agency liability and vulnerability. Additionally, it is desirable to set a minimum
requirement when the agency facilitates contact when both parties have come
forward. This would include release forms and a preparation session with agency
professionals or an adoption professional in the community. Agencies may define an
alternative to the preparation session. This may include written materials, a video or


alternative to the preparation session. This may include written materials, a video or
some other pathway that helps the participants prepare for the complexities of search
and reunion. Proceeding in this fashion, addresses professional accountability as the
participants enter a complex life experience. It also diminishes liability for the agency.

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The Role of the Professional in a Search
10:45 AM

THE ROLE OF THE PROFESSIONAL IN A SEARCH

The professional who provides search services will be immersed in one of the
most significant life events for the participants. His role will include the search
itself, the preparation of the searcher and the found relative, as well as the
mediation, processing and facilitation of the contact. He will also be a support
source over time for the principals. As an intermediary, he will extend an
invitation for contact in the most caring and safe manner possible. He will be
respectful of the needs of those he serves and not pressure either party to do that
which is not comfortable or timely. He will be watchful so that he does not create
a conflict of interest since the requesting party is the one who funds the quest. It
is not his place to force anyone's participation. Respectful of boundaries, he will
communicate options that are available. He will share his expertise as he
interrelates with those he is rejoining and those who are not able to accomplish
the desired goal. Recognizing his limits, he must know when to exit Every search
has a point in time when the adoption professional is no longer needed. Allowing
the clients to move on without him is part of the process of mental health
services. Many clients are fearful of losing the connection to the professional; he
represents the sought triad member. The delicate balance involves being available
while encouraging the principals to recognize and deal with their fears and
displacements. When additional resources are needed, the adoption professional
will refer to other professionals. The nature of this work involves a great deal of
long distance communication. Assessment of the needs of the clients will be
ongoing so as to best evaluate when to incorporate additional support. When a
client is in therapy, it is advisable and ethical to interface and work cooperatively
with his therapist (with the client's permission). A search is a major therapeutic
intervention and therapist awareness and involvement can be of great value
during the course of treatment. Many excellent therapists are not familiar with
adoption dynamics. The adoption professional, as a specialist, is able to be a
resource adding significantly to the maximizing of positive outcomes.

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The Role of the Professional in a Search Page 11

Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doing Searches
10:50 AM

PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS OF THE PROFESSIONAL DOING SEARCHES

The identification of desirable personal characteristics of a professional doing
searches may be used as a guide for assigning this important role. Recognizing that
there are many styles that produce successful outcomes, an awareness of factors
influencing outcomes could be helpful. While there is no one way to do anything,
the following have been found to be significant:

* organizational skills
* an in depth comprehension of adoption issues and the need to connect with
original family
* a sense of responsibility to maximize positive outcomes
* an understanding that long term outcomes are complex
* an empathy for the circumstances that led to the adoption originally
* an awareness of power and control issues within oneself
* tremendous flexibility.

Organizational Skills

The professional who has good organizational skills will be better able to conduct
a well focused search. Agency files may include case notes, social history forms,
psychological testing, hospital records, court records and other documents.
Learning to recognize important information contained in an agency file will be
central to an efficient and completed search. Extracting the potentially useful
information narrows down the focus of attention. A review of the file content
including case notes, (when they exist), is helpful in getting a sense of the family
dynamics. This is relevant when making decisions about which family members
one might contact. Keeping track of the steps one has taken is a major aid. Clues
surface in a manner similar to working a puzzle. A seemingly unimportant detail
may become an important lead as information gets uncovered.

Understanding the Profound Nature of Adoption Issues & the Need to Connect A
sensitive professional understands adoption issues and that the need to search is
derived from a profound source deep within each person. It is typical for adopted
persons and birthparents to express these needs in a manner that becomes
recognizable in relation to their role. One can actually identify a "script" of what is
Personal Characteristics of the Professional Doin Page 12

recognizable in relation to their role. One can actually identify a "script" of what is
usually said by adoptees and birthparents. This script encapsulates the adoption
experience for each. Gaining an understanding of the depth associated with the
words is the training ground for providing sensitive services. It is hard to ignore
the message that is delivered consistently by triad members. Adopted persons
want to know who they look like and why the adoption happened. Below the
surface of these needs are issues related to the existential "who am I?" and
whether the adoption was an act of love or rejection. The first gets manifested
with the question "who do I look like?" arid the latter with "why was I adopted?"

En Ia cara esta todo. Esta til historia, estan ti£ padre. tit madre, tus abzielos y
bisabitelos, tal ve: hasta un tio lejano de qi'ien ya nadie se aciterda. Detras de Ia
cara esta la personalidad, las cosas buenas y menos buenas que recibiste de tus
antepasados. La cara es nitestra primera identidad, lo que nos permite ubicarnos
con la vida y dec ir vean, aqili estoy. Asi citando a los trece, catorce anos, come
nzaste a pasar horas enterasfrente al espejo. comprendi que era justo eso lo que
estabas buscando. Por cierto, mirabas los granitos y los pun tos negros, a la nariz
demasiodo grande de repente, pero tambien era otra cosa. Al sustraer y eliminar
los rasgos de tufamilia materna, tratabas de hacerte una idea so bre Ia cara del
horn bre que te habia puesto en el mundo... Un dia el hq~o, observandose en el
espejo, habria entendido que dentro de el, habia alguien mas y quede este alguien
mas- querria saberlo todo. Existen personas que persiguen incluso durante toda la
vida la cara de lapropia madre, del propio padre. pag.81 Donde el corazon te lleve.
Susana Tamaro

Translation: -Everything is in the face. Your history is there, your father, your
mother, your grandparents and great grandparents, perhaps even a distant uncle
that no one remembers. Behind the face is the personality, the good and less good
things that you got from your ancestors. The face is our first identity, what helps
us situate ourselves in life and to say look, here I am. So, when you were 13, 14
years old, and you began to spend hours in front of the mirror, I understood that it
was exactly that that you were looking for. You certainly were looking at the
blemishes and the blackheads, or the too long nose, but it was also something
else. When you eliminated the features given to you by your maternal family, you
tried to get an idea of the face of the man who put you on this earth. .one day, the
child, looking at himself in the mirror, would understand that within himself there
was someone else arid that- about this someone else- he'd want to know
everything. There are people who search their entire lives for the face of their own
mother, their own father.

Birthparent scripts include a complementary need to tell their children the
reasons for the adoption. They want to make certain they know that love and
circumstances guided the adoption decision. They also want to be reassured that


circumstances guided the adoption decision. They also want to be reassured that
their children are alive and well. Being intimate with, and sensitive to, these
scripts will greatly influence the dedication of the professional. It will also affect
how he guides, educates and validates his clients.

Empathy for Circumstances Then and Now

Cultural changes in our society have dramatically changed the view of single
parenthood. Where before pregnancy without marriage was strongly censured,
now it hardly raises an eyebrow. Having a historical perspective will affect how the
adoption circumstances will be viewed by the professional.

Histories contained in agency files are to be handled in a sensitive and non
judgmental manner. It is not unusual for case notes to include highly subjective
statements about the clients. It is wise to consider that the passage of time may
have modified both the perceived and actual situations and people. Using the
material contained in the file as a guide, instead of as a marker of current truth,
would be a wise stance. There are families described as totally chaotic who when
relocated years later may be functioning in a well balanced manner. Conversely,
glowing reports about clients may reflect a truth of the past but not the present.

The passage of time may uncover a birthfamily that has gotten beyond the crisis of
the adoption. It may also reveal the ideal adoptive parents to be divorced and with
new mates. Having a frame of reference that is reality based and allows for change
to happen within families will influence the management of the case. The mind set
being described is relevant on a regular basis to guard against assumptions that
may compromise search outcomes.

Further, taking into account the effects of adoption on all triad members will be of
assistance when assessing current circumstances. This will be especially true when
either party is going through a troubled time. Helping participants become aware
of adoption influenced patterns within themselves can produce therapeutic
change facilitated by a well trained professional.

Maximizing Positive Outcomes

Empathy and a genuine understanding of the issues experienced by those touched
by adoption, will create a higher likelihood for positive outcomes. Completing a
search in a timely manner, pays attention to the lifetime of waiting; lost time
which can't be recaptured. Being entrusted with the important role of
intermediary requires a personal and professional commitment to caring. This will
increase the determination to find the sought party because there is a conviction
that it is everyone's right to connect with original family. This comes from the


that it is everyone's right to connect with original family. This comes from the
understanding that family cut offs are maladaptive.

When the agency assumes the intermediary role, it does require that both the
searcher and the sought party agree to the contact. Paying attention to how the
invitation for contact is extended sets the tone for subsequent steps in the
reconnection process. It is much like a delicate dance where each step attempts to
follow the lead of the other person.

Understanding Long Term Outcomes

As significant as a search is, framing it from a realistic perspective is useful. The
search is not a cure all. It does provide an opportunity for a major therapeutic
intervention. Even when the desired direct contact is not possible, there is no such
thing as an unsuccessful search. A multitude of new knowledge invariably gets
imparted: both parties learn the other is alive, the invitation for contact opens a
door of possibility to future contact and non identifying information may be
shared. All of this, is highly significant in light of the absence of previous
knowledge about each other.

When contact does occur, having the ability to communicate directly about core
issues paves the way for tremendous healing by all. However, this does not define
the long term outcomes. As in all of life's relationships, there will be many stages
impacted by compatibility and many other factors. What the nature of the
relationship will be 1, 5 or 10 years hence cannot be predicted. Such is the flow of
life. Successful searches involve opening doors of possibility and communication.
Just as life is complex, so is this journey. Removing the previously existing barriers
is success itself.

Awareness of Power & Control Issues

Searching involves a major entrustment which can not be underestimated. It turns
over the control of a multitude of areas to someone else whom the searcher does
not know. Power and control issues exist as the professional determines how and
when the search will happen, what is shared with the searcher, and what
constitutes appropriate and ethical practice.

When the professional is mindful of the vulnerability of those he serves, power
and control issues will be diminished. One area where these factors come into
play is the handling of information from the file and newly discovered material.
Sensitive sharing of appropriate information allows the searcher to be a partner in
the search even when identifying information may not yet be released. Ongoing
updates of progress also assists the searcher who is unable to conduct his own


updates of progress also assists the searcher who is unable to conduct his own
search. This responsive pattern of interaction, validates the searcher's need to be
a part of the search, while keeping the process appropriate. It is very difficult for
triad members to know that the professional has information that pertains, but is
unavailable, to them.

Flexibility

Searching requires tremendous flexibility. This may mean that the work schedule
includes evenings and weekends in order to accommodate the parties involved. It
may mean meeting in an office or at a park. Each step of the contact involves an
evaluation of possible courses of action. The client may, at first, convey a desire to
correspond for a period of time and then suddenly reverse himself and want to
meet the other triad member the next day. It is not enough to know that this is
normal. Supporting the decision makers, (the clients), through this, will require a
willingness to flow with it by the professional facilitator. This does not remove his
responsibility to guide the participants if a desired course of action does not
appear sound. Throughout the course of the search, the professional will be
assessing and providing appropriate input.

Flexibility also involves not having a fixed way or time period for when to establish
a direct contact. It is suggested that there be a minimum standard including a
preparation session (or alternative pathway defined by the agency) for both
parties and the obtaining of release forms. Beyond that, when adults are involved,
it is appropriate to give them control over the timing for direct contact as long as it
is by mutual agreement.

It is frequently observed that while the professional is acting as the go between,
that there is a displacement of role importance that disappears when the direct
contact occurs between the principals. That is, the birthparent or the adopted
person may create a strong bond with the professional which typically disappears
when direct contact happens with the other triad member. Being able to handle
this shift, while not creating yet another loyalty struggle for those involved, is vital.
A professional who understands the dynamic will not feel a blow to his self esteem
when this happens. Instead, it will be perceived and experienced as a normal part
of the process.

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Who May Search
10:59 AM

WHO MAY SEARCH?

Adopted Adults and Their Birthparents

Post adoption services are intended to respond to the needs of all triad
members. As such, decisions will be made as to who may initiate a search. When
dealing with adults, it is appropriate to give equal voice to birthparents and
adopted persons. That is to say, either one can request that the other be found
so as to attempt contact.

Defining adulthood is relevant. The most typical adult defining ages for these
services are 18 and 21 years of age. The agency will determine at which point
services can be provided directly to the adult. An emancipated minor, under 18,
who is living on his own and supporting himself would receive adult status. A 20
year old, being supported by his parents, attending school outside of his parents'
home would be treated much as a minor would be. This means that the adoptive
parents and the adopted person would be involved in the search process. At the
very least, because in truth, the 20 year old is not a minor, parental
endorsement would be important. Establishing guidelines for the adoptive
parent role is necessary, given the varied scenarios that will present themselves.

Adoptive Parents

While adoptive parents were primary clients at the time of the adoption, it is not
appropriate for them to conduct a search on behalf of their adult children. Their
support is invaluable, but appropriate respect of boundaries is central here.
Their children are adults now arid honoring their adulthood in decision making is
vital. An extrapolation of this, involves not asking for, or requiring, adoptive
parent permission in order to do a search. There is no life situation where
parents of competent adults are given this power.

Sometimes adoptive parents fund a search for their adult children. Usually these
parents become part of the search process joining in with their children. While
there may be dialogue with them throughout the search, an awareness of
appropriate conduct so as to keep the focus on the adopted person is important.
For example, sharing the progress of the search directly with the adopted adult

Who May Search Page 18

For example, sharing the progress of the search directly with the adopted adult
is desirable. Hearing news and outcomes firsthand has a powerful impact
because the agency professional is the link to the birthparent. Every piece of
news is significant and direct sharing is appreciated. This honors and conveys an
understanding of the magnitude of the experience.

Supportive alternative services can be developed to be responsive to adoptive
parents without stripping their children of their power to behave as adults. This
offers an opportunity to the agency to continue to be available to them at a time
when they feel particularly vulnerable. A search sets off insecurities in many
adoptive parents about the permanence of the bonds with their children.
Helping them express and process their feelings constitutes a valuable service.

There are adoptive parents whose children invite them to participate through
correspondence and other forms of contact with birth family. It is usual to
witness strengthened bonds within these families. The overt validation of the
need to search creates a powerful glue between parent and child. It assists in the
redefinition of self, belongingness and relationships.

When working with adoptive parents it is helpful to explore their adoption issues
and how they have manifested themselves through the years. Looking ahead to
the impact of a search, expands the horizons beyond their 6wn fears and
experience. Reading material and support groups can be of great value to
reinforce these efforts. Courageous Blessing, by Carol DeMuth, is suggested
reading for adoptive parents. This book devotes itself to helping adoptive
parents understand the need and issues related to a search by their children.

Helping them understand that their children often block their need to know in
order to protect their adoptive parents, creates a heightened understanding.
Additionally, there are those parents who endorse a search and yet their
children don't trust that this gesture is genuine. A central fear of adopted
persons is that if they pursue a search, they will be rejected by the only parents
they know. Having experienced the loss of the original parents and knowing the
pain they bear, makes it too frightening to risk the new loss. Even when
cognitively they know this will not happen, emotionally, they often get stuck in a
fear pattern. For many, the resolution to this conflict is not to tell their parents
that they are searching. When adoptive parents communicate the support over
time, they effectively give ongoing permission, freeing the adopted person to
pursue his quest when the time is right for him.

When opening closed adoptions, adoptive parents do have full input regarding
contact. In this situation it is appropriate because minor children are involved.
This manual will not focus on this area of practice.

This manual will not focus on this area of practice.

Birthfathers

Birthfathers were often excluded from the adoption process. Agency files may
nonetheless contain his identity and other information. There are an increasing
number of birthfathers seeking contact with their children arid searching on
their behalf is appropriate, even in the absence of birthmother involvement. This
means that birthfathers are given equal status to the birthmother and the
adopted person. When offering services to them, attention must be paid to the
reality that there is a percentage who are incorrectly named.

The risk then, involves connecting two people incorrectly. Letting both parties
know about this when the birthmother is not involved, allows participants to
evaluate their willingness to risk. There are those who will get DNA tests to
ascertain the relationship. It is their right to take these steps with the support of
the professional.

An extension of this occurs when the birthmother has been contacted and the
professional is asked to now seek out the birthfather. There are situations when
the wrong person is identified even then. Awareness of these complexities will
assist the professional as he processes and guides those involved.

Other Relatives

Siblings of the adopted person will often come forward asking for search
assistance. Decisions will be made internally as to whether this service will be
provided with or without birthparent authorization (endorsement). There are
instances when the birthparents wish to turn over the search to the children
they have raised because of their o~ issues. Getting their written approval, proof
of identity and release forms for this action will protect the agency.

There will be situations where the offspring of birthparents learn about the
adopted child and seek verification and contact. Practice guidelines need to be
formulated regarding how to handle these requests in the absence of
birthparent authorization.

A similar scenario may exist with grandparents or other relatives seeking contact
with the adopted person. While birthparents and siblings tend to be the primary
interest for adopted persons, there may be situations where it would be
appropriate to extend the service to other relatives, especially the grandparents.
Again, it would be wise to obtain written authorization, proof of identity and
release forms from the birthparent. This approach protects the service providers

release forms from the birthparent. This approach protects the service providers
when the identity of the birthparents would be released through direct contact
with these extended family members. It also acknowledges the extended family
and the benefits derived from facilitating whatever level of contact becomes
possible.

When the agency file indicates that the grandparents knew of the adoption,
services may be extended to them while protecting the identity of the
birthparents who don't wish to give authorization. for direct contact. This would
be in the form of contact with identifying information withheld and would
involve an intermediary during the course of the exchanges. Though a limited
service, it would still offer an avenue for services to extended family members.

Special Situations

When the sought person is deceased, facilitating contact with other relatives is
appropriate. Decisions will be made as to which member's) are approached.
Parents and offspring of the deceased would be the most logical to contact.
Confidentiality gets redefined after a death. Legal opinions may be sought at
each location for how to best handle this.

There will be situations where the search involves a triad member who is limited
mentally or physically and his care is handled by others. In these situations, the
caretaker may become the decision maker about what is possible. The agency
and its representative will make decisions about how to handle unusual
situations where a primary voice is given to others.

Mental and physical limitations don't necessarily mean that the person in
question is unable to make some self determinations. It may mean that the input
of those who care for him, or are part of his family, will assist in the course of the
reunion.

Gary', age 35, requested that his birthmother be found. When she was located
by the agency professional, she was telephoned The conversation was brief she
asked to be called the next night and she verified that her husband knew about
the adoption. The next night, the husband answered the phone and the
conversation that ensued brought to light that this birthmother had Alzheimer's.
Her ability to manage the course of the reunion was nil. Her husband stepped in
as the contact person, receptive to welcoming Gary. Release forms were
obtained from him as her caretaker because the course other disease was quite
advanced. Gary was able to meet a very large extended family as a result. While
these situations are not typical, having protocol for handling them is relevant.


When Is It Appropriate to Deny Search Services?

In the vast majority of cases, requests for searches can be safely and
appropriately acted upon. Sometimes situations occur where a denial of services
may be in order. Among these would be when the requesting person:

* seems intent on hurting the sought party
* has a focus on getting money
* is involved in a serious addiction and is not in treatment

Assessment of the functioning of the person being served is an ongoing process.
The adoption professional will evaluate red flags and make determinations
based on this. The person entering into contact is trusting that the facilitator will
be overseeing areas of concern.

Conversely, the searcher also wants to be alerted to potential dangers if the
found party exhibits behaviors that could pose a threat. As the intermediary, the
professional makes recommendations based on his training arid experience. He
is the "gatekeeper" as long as he is involved.

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The Preparation
11:01 AM

THE PREPARATION

This chapter will examine the preparation process from the stand point of the
searcher and the found person. Issues particular to adopted persons,
birthparents and adoptive parents will also be covered from each perspective.
While there is an overlap of similarity, there are some areas that are more
relevant to one party than the other.

Preparing the Searcher

The preparation of the searcher allows him to explore and learn about
frequently represented issues in the reconnection process. The professional
guides, validates and stimulates introspection during this highly complex life
stage. This educational step expands the individual's personal experience so as
to help him see the larger picture from the perspective of his own role and the
other two primary roles within the adoption experience. The more one has an
understanding of each role and its interfacing with the others, the more the
navigation of the search is made manageable.

Searchers will often request services using the need to give or receive medical
information as the primary reason. This provides a socially accepted area of
focus and minimizes the emotional risk of expressing deeper needs.
Professionals are able to validate the importance of medical history while
expanding the perspective that searching in and of itself is totally normal.
Furthermore, it needs no justification. The examination of why, and what one
expects, is done for self exploration, not to convince the professional.

Following an adoption focused national pro gram, a man called the featured
agency to vent his thoughts. He began by saying that he was well into adulthood
and felt a need for his medical records. He vehemently stated that he had no
interest in his birthmother - that he didn't care about her. The professional spent
some time sharing what she had learned from working with adopted persons
and birthparents. She, in essence, gave him permission to feel normal about
whatever his needs were, including the possibility of contact with his
birthmother.

The Preparation Page 23

At the end of the exchange, with a great deal of feeling he exclaimed: "Js it
possible to love someone very much that you have never met?!"

This type of shift in emotional tenor is not unusual. Self protection tends to be
paramount until there are feelings of safety that allow the entrusting of these
intense feelings. This is especially so with men in our culture, where the
expression of feelings is often blocked.

Looking at the timing and expectations of a search is an opportunity to verbalize
beginning thoughts and feelings about one's adoption experience. The
mobilizing of an active search often uncovers the depth of the needs within the
person. There is no way to know what the outcome of the search will be, so
considering many possible scenarios is constructive. Among these would be the
acceptance or refusal to have contact, the reasons that tend to influence each 6f
these outcomes, the possibility of finding an emotionally healthy or unhealthy
relative, and discovering that death has robbed the searcher of the opportunity
to know the other party.

Experience has taught us that most adopted persons and birthparents accept
the invitation for contact. Sometimes the found persons will say that they had
previously thought about searching but didn1t know how, or didn't want to
intrude in the other person's life. Birthparents especially will say that while they
welcome their children's approach, that they didn't feel entitled to even inquire
about their them. Conveying this typically expressed sentiment to adopted
persons is very important. They often feel abandoned and forgotten, lacking the
understanding of the dynamics of birthparents. Given today's attitudes about
sexual behaviors and single parenting, they find it difficult to understand the
climate of the time periods covering their adoptions.

When the person being approached is unreceptive to contact, an examination of
typical reasons as well as those particular to the unavailable person will be
helpful. This does not remove the hurt of rejection felt by the searcher. This hurt
can be represented by ranges of sadness and anger. Claiming one's right to know
is understandable. However, it doesn't always produce the desired result.

Unreceptive persons often will consider points on the continuum of contact. This
means that sometimes a letter &/or picture will be accepted or at least read
over the telephone, allowing the searcher's voice to be heard. This may result in
a response regarding the current situation and why it is preventing direct
contact. Three way telephone conversations are also optional. Confidentiality is
maintained, if that is what is desired by the participants, by using first names.
The intermediary is the facilitator.

The intermediary is the facilitator.

Another area of exploration is the discovery of a sought party who may, or may
not, be emotionally healthy. Fantasies often revolve around extremes;
expectations of finding people who are perfect or absolutely terrible, are very
typical. Dealing with whatever the reality is, often requires some processing of
what becomes known. There are those who claim they can accept anything
about the other person. That is, until they are dealing with real people and real
situations. Differences in lifestyle and values can create problems. Dealing with
what is, versus what is imagined, becomes the task at hand.

When death robs the searcher of the sought party, grieving is very typical. Most
people are surprised by the intensity of their grief. The lost opportunity to know
each other often releases regret that the search did not occur sooner. There is
often a need to visit the grave and walk through the years with extended family
members. Facilitating contact with relatives relieves some of the pain.

The searcher needs to understand that he frequently will be "reviving" the
deceased as he may look, act, move and think much like that person who died.
This adds a frequently unexpected dimension. There may be a reciprocal need to
strengthen the bond through a commitment to contact since the searcher is an
extension of the deceased. Sorting through a relationship that is all its own,
separate from the deceased, can be complex. Being aware of the ramifications
of the death, will assist both parties in building whatever is possible without
replacement issues interfering significantly.

The Roller coaster of Emotions

The search unleashes a roller coaster of emotions that are often represented
simultaneously. Joy and anticipation may coexist with fear, anxiety and sadness.
Journaling is suggested to assist in the reflection about the multitude of feelings
and thoughts that burst forth. It also offers an opportunity to look at what the
impact is, over time.

It is now better understood that a suppression of adoption related feelings is
typical in order to survive (cope). When potential contact is offered, it often
unleashes heretofore unexpressed and/or inaccessible thoughts and feelings.
This frees the person to finally get in touch with himself in a safe environment
and sets off an intensity held under check- for many, for a lifetime.

Searchers often believe that the completion of the search will create a peaceful
internal experience. While feelings of magnificent wholeness are expressed
rapidly pursuant to a search, being prepared for the continuing roller coaster is

rapidly pursuant to a search, being prepared for the continuing roller coaster is
important. The link is but an early chapter in the reconnection process; the
complexities, fantasies and uncertainties abound. By considering these issues
before an immersion in a search occurs, the searcher becomes better equipped
to deal with the emotional outcomes.

The preparation stage gives the searcher a chance to look at how he handles a
wide range of emotions, what his communication skills are, the nature of his
relationships and more. His life skills will come into play during this time. A
frequently expressed concern is that the contact with the sought party
constitutes a totally new and unknown territory. Helping the person make the
connection that all new relationships go through a wide array of stages is
relevant here. By looking at his life experience, his strengths and how he handles
a variety of situations, he is better able to demystify this particularly charged
venture.

There is no question but that a search embodies a major life altering event.
Personal patterns of life and relationship management will be impacted. It is
typical to witness a strengthening of those involved as the healing process
evolves. This in turn will impact the ability to relate in a more trusting and
intimate manner with significant others. The adoption separation (loss) affects
trust, which questions the permanence of relationships and therefore blocks the
ability to be intimate to the degree possible in less wounded others.

The adopted person learns he was not rejected and is worthy of receiving and
giving love. The birthparent rejoined with her child, learns she is not hated by
her child and is worthy of receiving and giving love as well. The force of this
awareness catapults the participants to an emotional change that feels as
engulfing as a tidal wave. Managing this intensity is part of the roller coaster.
Integrating its healing capacity makes dramatic internal changes happen. This
brings about existential, emotional and psychological change and growth.

The shared nature of this experience creates an intense intimacy between two
adults with a limited shared history. A respect of boundaries is of vital
importance at this time. Primal needs can get interwoven with sexual overtones.
The search creates a developmental recycling, revisiting stages from infancy
through adulthood.

It is very typical for participants to report that there is a need at the early stages
to stare, touch, and be held. It is a time of "falling in love". This is akin to the all
dependent infant, needing to be nurtured by his mother. Unmet infancy needs
get addressed well beyond the point of infancy. It is important to point out that
these needs are not present because of adoptive parent inadequacies. These are

these needs are not present because of adoptive parent inadequacies. These are
related to unfinished business between the birthmother and her child. In most
instances, they are resolved appropriately.

Genetic sexual attraction is the term used to describe many aspects of this
experience when it takes on a sexual flavor. It can occur between the
birthparent and his her child as well as between siblings. Paying attention to the
incest taboo by raising it to a point of consciousness, assists participants as they
manage their emotions. Most people preparing for a contact don't see
themselves as vulnerable to the dynamics being described. Revisiting this while
the contact evolves is relevant. By then, it is no longer a distanced, theoretical
framework regarding possible feelings. Instead, it is a real situation with real
people.

Romantic feelings can also occur when the adopted person resembles the other
birthparent or one's own youthful self. Regressing to the emotional dynamics of
the birthparent- to- birthparent relationship or to one's departed youth can
create massive emotions. It is akin to falling in love again with that other
birthparent or falling in love with oneself. It may even have a piece that hangs
onto the what might have been if things had been different.

None of this is pathological. It is part of the progression of traversing the years
impacted by the adoption. This journey involves regression, confrontation with
self and others, healing and potential growth. All of this is dependent on the
participants' willingness to do the hard emotional work embodied in the search.

Finding ways to manage these complicated situations will depend on each
twosome being honest about the mutual vulnerability. Again, drawing from
one's own experiences of setting limits brings it into more familiar territory and
makes it more manageable.

Many will report that an awareness arises regarding needs within themselves of
unexpected proportions. This is often surprising for those who felt adoption was
of manageable proportions prior to the search. Many will admit that it was too
risky to admit these needs, especially if there was no chance of meeting them.

Commitment

The searcher explores his commitment to following through when contact is
accepted by the searched. There are those who, when faced with the reality of
going forth, get fearful and back out. While this does not constitute the majority,
it can be very painful for the other party who has made himself emotionally
vulnerable by opening the door to contact. This does not mean a lifetime

vulnerable by opening the door to contact. This does not mean a lifetime
agreement to stay in touch. It represents a responsive exchange for a least a
period of time which allows the relationship to be explored.

One way to safeguard against over commitment, is to proceed without making
an overabundance of promises. Those found often will express a fear of being
dropped once they have opened their hearts and revisited their emotions
related to the adoption. The fear of losing one another again so more than some
are willing to risk.

Telling Family and Friends

Support during a search can come from many sources. Exploring who is being
told about the search allows the searcher to assume control over this decision. It
is his right to decide the timing and to whom he entrusts this personal journey.
Both birthparents and adopted persons are often reduced to childlike status in
adoption related matters. A point in fact is that neither can even do his own
search. There aren't other life situations where this would be the case.

Telling adoptive parents is frequently difficult for adopted adults. They usually
will say that they don't wish to hurt their parents. A closer examination reveals
that there is also a fear of losing these parents in light of the loss of the original
ones. While cognitively it may be clear that this is not likely to happen,
emotionally the risk feels too great. Focusing on his adulthood and
accompanying right to choose (do) whatever he wishes, can be very empowering
for an adopted person. When ready, feeling powerful enough to tell them
without asking for permission, (as a child might do), he will better recognize the
strengthening within. He is then better able to absorb that he does have a right
to respond to his needs. Additionally, he can allow his parents to own and
manage their emotions and needs. This mutual respect of boundaries impacts
on the redefinition of the relationship from an enhanced adult perspective.

Mark, 33 years old, asked for information from within his adoption file. He
wanted to learn as much as he could about his birth family. Two years later,
after taking time to digest the information he had received, he asked for search
assistance. He did not wish to share this step he was taking with his parents. He
had concerns about upsetting them and was not willing to risk this. The search
was completed and contact was established with his birthmother and
birthfather. During the course of these events, he often discussed the timing and
apprehensions about telling his parents with the agency professional. There was
a great deal of exploration about the possible outcomes of telling them and how
he might respond to whatever their reaction.


After the completion of his search and after giving himself the time to process
this major life event, he told his parents in person. To his amazement, they
responded positively. They did not exhibit any hurt and were very understanding
of the is need to pursue the contact. Having allowed himself the time to consider
his choices, Mark found himself in a strengthened position by the time he told
them about the search. If they had responded with anger or distress, he would
have of course, been disappointed However, by this time, he felt he could
handle whatever the reaction. Even the telling is managed more competently
when one is delivering it from a more adult perspective.

Birthparents also experience fear of telling their parents, spouses and children
about their lost/found child. Here too, the fear of losing relationships can be
overwhelming. They already are cognizant of the massive effect of losing a child.
Risking further loss requires calling up a courage of tremendous magnitude.
Allowing each birthparent the power to determine the timing of the telling and
helping with anticipatory practice can strengthen a frightened (vulnerable)
birthparent. Shame, a long time companion, can begin to dissipate as a coming
out of the closet occurs. With each telling, the head is held higher and self
esteem grows.

In most instances, the mates and children are accepting of the news. Husbands
and wives often have to process the sexual intimacy that occurred with someone
else. Even when they had knowledge about the adoption, a new level of reality
exists when the adoptee enters the picture. Children of birthparents often ask
why the news was not shared before. Most are glad to incorporate another
sibling. When there is a negative response, it often has to do with realigning
their image of their parent. It also frequently involves feelings of vulnerability
that the new arrival will displace their status in their parents' hearts. Birth order
by definition becomes modified. Most of these situations are reconciled with
time.

Whatever the outcome of sharing a search, the searcher is well served when he
has had a chance to look at the ramifications of telling others. There is no way to
be certain of anyone's reaction. Therefore, the more entitled the searcher feels
to pursue a search, the better he will handle significant others.

Defining the Relationship Through Names and Titles

Familial titles such as mother, father, son, daughter tend to be loaded in the
adoption experience. Loyalty struggles abound for adopted persons. What does
he call his birthmother, birthfather , aunts and uncles? Through his choice of
vocabulary he allows, (or doesn't), himself to claim his family of origin, to

vocabulary he allows, (or doesn't), himself to claim his family of origin, to
belong. Giving him permission to use whatever vocabulary he chooses, gives
him yet another opportunity to try out whatever feels comfortable at the
moment. Some will alternate a first name with a parental type word like "mom".
Allowing himself the right to legitimately belong to both trees, birth and
adoptive, may take time. Being claimed is also central to the adopted person's
experience. Many report an internal conflict about the right to even exist. This is
very existential and emotional in nature. It seems to relate to a primal
experience when the birthmother couldn't acknowledge her child in uteri &/or
after birth. This was her way of surviving emotionally the impending loss of her
child. Nobody understood the impact of this on the developing child.

Therefore, being acknowledged through the search has a tremendous healing
capacity. Taking it one step further, most adopted people are not willing to be
anybody's secret after a search. Shame is part of the adopted person's script as
well. There is shame in feeling rejected and not worthy of being kept within the
original family fold. The child within assumes the blame for this situation.
Diminishing or ridding oneself of these feelings, creates a previously elusive
strengthening.

Birthparents also struggle with the entitlement to claim their child. The break in
the relationship created by the legal process divested them of their
motherhood/fatherhood in relation to this child. This often extends into the next
generation especially in relation to grandchildren. The grandparent title is
sometimes reserved for the adoptive grandparents complicated by loyalty
issues. It often is up to the adopted person as to what the birth family will be
called. Therefore, being claimed with family titles is another way to allow
entitlement.

A sense of healing and wholeness after contact is reported consistently by both
parties. Adopted persons speak about feeling a part of the planet instead of
feeling like an alien from outer space. A sense of being grounded is typically
expressed. The roots that hold trees tall and strong, do the same for the
adopted persons. Having access to one's source is everyman 5 right. The
preparation process dovetails into the processing of these and other topics as
they arise during the course of the search and reunion. Being able to recognize
issues as they present themselves, allows the professional to be of assistance to
both the searcher and the found person during the time period of his
involvement.

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How to Conduct a Search
11:01 AM

THE HOW TO'S OF SEARCHING

The agency file is the central resource for doing a search. That is why updating
information, whenever either party makes an approach is so vital. Current
information contained in the file can shorten a search considerably. It also provides
knowledge about probable availability to contact.

When organizing the available information, helpful content will include full names,
birthdays, addresses, school and church affiliation and who knew about the
adoption. Each state has its own rules for what type of vital statistics records are
open to the public. Learning one's own state is vital. At the same time, mobility leads
to searches around the country. Therefore, learning basic searching techniques
while checking for variations around the country is relevant.

There is not just one way to begin or complete a search. Each person will define
priorities regarding the order of steps to be taken. Attention will be paid to making
the search as cost efficient as possible for the client. Being knowledgeable about
resources and how to use them is central to this. The majority of the work is typically
done by telephone. There is seldom a need to go on location to uncover the
whereabouts of a sought party. Sometimes records are obtained that require written
communication and a fee. Each searcher will develop experience that will guide his
decision making about these expenditures.

Typical Resources

The most typical resources for searching include birth, death and marriage records,
city directories, telephone books and directory assistance, motor vehicle records,
voter registration and church records. Sometimes there is a need to pursue more
obscure means such as property, title, probate or census records. While most
searches produce the desired results of locating the sought party, occasionally a
quest may prove lengthy and costly. Each professional will define a cut off point
which is determined by common sense and by funds assigned by the client.

Birth Records

Birth records are usually found at the county and/ or state level. Each state will have
its own rules for who may obtain information contained in birth records. Data that
How to Conduct a Search Page 32

its own rules for who may obtain information contained in birth records. Data that
could be helpful in these documents includes the maiden name of the mother, the
name of the father, their ages at the time of the birth, address, profession of parents
and their state of birth. Many agency files will already have this information.
However, there are time periods when the practice of the day was to gather minimal
information and pursuing this data becomes vital.

Death Records

Death records are among the most useful in the search process. Especially when
seeking birthparents, it is wise to check for the deaths of their parents. The Social
Security Death Index provides birth and death dates, where benefits were sent and
the social security number which identifies what state it was obtained in. This index
is available on disc and through databases which will be discussed later. Once a
death is located, seeking the obituary, funeral home and perhaps the cemetery, is
next. The obituary provides next of kin, married names of offspring, sometimes
locations of offspring, church affiliation, funeral home and cemetery.

Many main libraries have death indexes and can locate an obituary easily. When that
is not the case it may be necessary to get a death certificate. This can be time
consuming as some states take lengthy periods to respond. There is also a fee for
obtaining these documents. Sometimes it is possible to pay an additional fee using a
credit card in order to expedite the processing of the request. In small towns, it is
often more cost and time effective to locate the funeral home or the cemetery.
Both funeral homes and cemeteries are usually helpful in giving information about
the deceased and his family. Sometimes obituaries will be on file, providing more
current information than that found in the agency file.

Marriage Records

Marriage records are important resources especially when seeking women, whose
names change. County and state level offices often house these records. A large
proportion of people marry in the home territory of the bride so that is usually a safe
place to begin to look. Learning the name of the spouse adds significant data.
Sometimes obtaining a marriage announcement is indicated in order to get names of
kin, wedding party, church affiliation etc. Paying attention to the fact that there is a
high incidence of divorce, will diminish the chance of following around a name that
was previously shed. This is particularly the case when searching for a birthmother
who may have married very soon after the adoption. Marriages that blossom during
this period often suffer from the impact of the adoption and don't survive. Rushing
to have subsequent children does not remove the anguish related to the missing
child. Therefore, more than one marriage may need to be sought.


In some areas, a marriage record will include current and previous marriages,
providing an expanded amount of information. It offers the opportunity to contact
people who knew the person being sought. Even when a marriage has ended, it is
not unusual for a previous mate to know the whereabouts of a former spouse.
Discretion will be used depending on the role (adoptee or birthparent) of the person
one is seeking. The application for the marriage license sometimes is available. It
often includes the address at the time, age, names of parents and state of birth. This
can be very helpful for expanding the radius of the search, especially when the
agency file is not complete.

City Directories

City directories cross reference names and addresses of heads of households for
cities and towns. Old editions are usually housed at main libraries and state archive
libraries. Current volumes may be found at general branches. Many times it is
possible to get information over the phone. The name listings are arranged
alphabetically and provide address, place of employment and spouse. The address
listings of the city directory provide the name of the resident, his employment and
his spouse. This resource also provides the neighbors of the people at a given
address.

City directories are useful for following the movement of people through the years,
to discover the name of the residents when one only has an address and vice versa.
Sometimes agency files contain the name and address of a birthparent but lack
information about her parents. The city directory can be of assistance here.
Sometimes the disappearance of a listing may signal a move or a death. These clues
can be very helpful in locating the desired parties. When doing a search, locating
libraries with city directories from many cities and for various time periods becomes
relevant. Genealogy and state archive libraries are excellent resources for these.
Again, sometimes assistance is available by telephone and sometimes only through
correspondence. The latter can be a very slow path to getting information and may
require pursuing an alternate path of discovery.

Newspapers

The most typical use for newspapers in a search is to locate an obituary. Many
libraries will look these up when a death date is provided. When the library has a
death index, it can even locate information about members of a family in a time
efficient manner. Local level libraries have newspapers on microfilm for their area
and in some cases, adjoining areas. Main libraries, state libraries and universities
tend to be the custodians of newspapers (on microfilm) from diverse geographical
areas.


areas.

Main libraries with genealogy divisions can guide a searcher towards other libraries
with the desired resources.

Telephone Books and Directory Assistance

Current and old telephone books are tools frequently used in searching. Outdated
telephone books are usually found at main libraries and archive libraries. Cross
referencing information found through other sources can confirm whether one is on
the right track or it can unearth new information. For example, a record may contain
a birthmothers address but no names for her parents. The telephone book may yield
the father's name at that address. Since many birthparents resided with their
parents at the time of the pregnancy, this information can lead to the expedient
completion of the search.

Directory assistance can expand the knowledge base significantly. Helpful operators
will sometimes scan entire area codes for a sought name. When unpublished
numbers surface, they are able to confirm the name and address connected to the
unpublished number. This means that though an unpublished number will not be
given out, that confirmation of a current address for the sought party can occur.
Decisions will then be made on how to proceed.

In some instances, telephone companies will contact the person with the
unpublished number and ask him to contact the professional. Usually it will suffice to
state that the need relates to an urgent family matter. Discretion will be used in
pursuing this avenue on a case by case basis. The risk here is the possibility of
involving other household members, which would typically not be desirable. Calls of
this nature raise anxiety and curiosity and should be used cautiously.

Nationwide telephone directories can be purchased on CD-ROMs or can be accessed
through providers such as the CSRA or the Internet. These are updated regularly and
offer the opportunity to scan the whole country for the sought name.

Voter Registration Records

Voter registration records are of great value both in the location and verification of
information. These most often contain married and maiden names, date 'of birth,
state of birth, address and other registered voters at that address. It is usually
possible to obtain information by phone. The records are usually housed at the
county court level. In some instances a written request is required when inquiring
about registered voters. When possible, sending a fax will speed the process.


Motor Vehicle Records

Each state has its own guidelines for whether motor vehicle records are obtainable
by the general public. When available, these provide a current address when the
name and birth date of the sought party is known. In some instances it is possible to
obtain the information provided on the application form. This may include a place of
birth and parents' names.

Church Records

Many churches maintain records regarding their members. This can include birth,
baptismal, marriage and death records. They frequently also have present and past
directories of their membership. When a family leaves a church, the name and
location of the receiving church may be contained in their records. This then, will
identify the new area of residence. In some cases, church staff and members may
have information about the family being sought. There will be variability about what
information they will provide to non members.

School Records

The most useful school records are those at the college and university level. While
available information will vary from place to place, the registrar's office will usually
confirm and/or provide the years of attendance, degree obtained, and address while
a student. The alumni office may also provide this information. Additionally, a
current address may be on file. Some campuses cross reference maiden and married
names, providing these upon request. Records from primary and secondary schools
are not easily available. There are schools that will confirm a graduation date and
over relevant information. Directories of students tend to be accessible as public
information and as such, may be helpful.

Other Resources

There are a variety of other resources that are available but typically used less
frequently. Among these would be divorce, probate, property and tax records.
Additionally, there are a large number of professions that require a license to
practice. State licensing boards usually will provide at least the professional address
and telephone number of the licensee. This information is useful when the state of
residence is known but the exact location is not.

Census records are used on occasion when information contained in the agency file
is limited and the search goes back many years. Contained in these records will be
names and ages of people who lived in the household, name of spouse and


names and ages of people who lived in the household, name of spouse and
occupation. This can be a cumbersome search tool with limitations because census
records are sealed for 75 years. There are records associated with the military that
can be helpful in a search. The most accessible tend to be the ones with the
Veteran's Administration. One can learn the branch and years of service. If the
person is deceased they will provide additional information. Each step of a search,
determinations will be made about which resource to pursue which will bring about
the desired result. It makes sense to use techniques that are most often successful
and then move to the more obscure ones.

Computer Data Bases

Computer technology is evolving rapidly. There are services that are on line which
integrate voter registration and motor vehicle records, city and telephone
directories and more. Using data bases of this sort can be very time and cost
effective. They are available on a state by state and national basis. The caution here,
is to build discernment as overuse can prove to be very costly. Computer data bases
are usually a logical place to start to search since so much information is gathered in
a composite manner about a large number of individuals. It is still important to
know how to use the other searching techniques. This is especially the case when
there is no information about the desired party within the data base or there are so
many possible candidates that narrowing down which one is correct is too costly.

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Making Contact
11:02 AM

MAKING CONTACT WITH THE SOUGHT PARTY

Preparation for contact will be provided both to the searcher and to the
sought/found party. This will occur during the course of the professional's
involvement and before direct contact is established. Issues particular to each
person's role will be examined as well as those particular to the other triad
members' roles. The goal is to assist all involved in expanding their horizons
beyond their own experience and understanding. By providing an opportunity for
anticipatory thinking, the evolving relationship is better managed by those
involved. Again, each agency will define how resources and education are made
available to clients in order to minimize requirements and controls. At the same
time, attention will be paid to sound professional involvement.

Making Contact with the Adopted Adult

When a search has been completed and the desired party found, making an
approach carefully is central to long term outcomes. Each triad member will have
his own issues to deal with. Incorporating this awareness into the contact, will
convey a sensitivity that may set the tone for what evolves.

A first contact with an adopted person can usually be safely made by telephone
at his home. Confidentiality issues don't typically exist in relation to others
knowing the person is adopted.

Calling during day time hours allows the person to check out the affiliation of the
caller if he wishes to. Otherwise, a call in the evening or weekend is acceptable.
When the invitation for contact is extended, the adoptee may need time to
consider. Giving him options regarding the pacing for contact allows him some
control over how the steps will be taken. When time is needed to consider the
invitation, the professional has to maintain a balance between serving the
requesting party and being appropriately responsive to the found party. There
are people who need time to digest the significance of the approach.
Demonstrating a respect for this will serve all parties well.

Some adopted people are overjoyed that their birthparents have initiated the
search. There are also those who feel out of control yet one more time in their
Making Contact Page 38

search. There are also those who feel out of control yet one more time in their
adoption journey since the search was not under their direction. Being sensitive
to this can discharge the potential for non participation.

When telephone contact is not possible, a letter may be sent. It is recommended
that it be kept brief so that elaboration can occur when there is a conversation.
For example, the letter may provide the affiliation of the professional and a brief
message requesting the person to contact the agency.

One of the most usual concerns when contacting an adopted person is whether
he knows he is adopted. For that reason, it is not advisable to plunge into a
search focused conversation. It is wise to first feel out his awareness of his
adoption. An easy entree is to identify oneself with the agency that arranged the
adoption and to ask if that organization means anything. A negative response
does not automatically mean he doesn't know he's adopted. Continuing the line
of verification will require caution. While most people know they are adopted,
there is a percentage that do not.

There are those who have not been told, but have suspected that they were
adopted. Nonetheless, caution is indicated, as being told on the telephone by a
stranger is very traumatic. In cases where the person does not appear to know, it
may be advisable to contact the adoptive parents. There are many fully self
supporting adults living at their adoptive parents' homes. Decisions will be made
as to how to approach them when they are the ones being searched for. Letters
may be sent to both the adoptive parents and the adopted adult so as to not
violate the home of the adoptive parents by going behind their back or excluding
them. This does not mean that if the adoptive parents are opposed to a reunion
that the agency will discontinue its efforts to communicate the options to the
adopted person. This approach is an effort to balance respect of boundaries
involving the prior client (adoptive parents) within their home while allowing the
adopted person to decide on his own behalf.

The truth of the matter is that these situations are complex. When adoptive
parents are supportive, the management of the case becomes simplified. When
they are opposed, the adopted adult is potentially thrown into a loyalty conflict
which may obstruct his ability to enter into contact. Again, the professional
offers options. Each found person has to determine what he is able to handle,
facing the realities in his life.

The agency professional serves as the intermediary in offering the contact. If the
sought party does not wish to participate, then he honors that. It is possible to
offer a continuum of possible contact that may eventually lead to a direct link.
For example, this may include letter writing through the agency or speaking on

For example, this may include letter writing through the agency or speaking on
the telephone using a three way call.

Making Contact with a Birthmother

Establishing contact with a found birthmother requires careful attention to
confidentiality issues. Approximately 90% of birthmothers are open to contact.
However, reaching that stage of readiness may take some time. Among the most
difficult considerations for birthmothers are those of telling husbands and
children.

It is quite common for birthparents to say that they have not discussed the
adoption through the years with others, not even their parents. Invariably the
relationship with their parents is impacted as silence governs through the years.

When the adopted person reenters the picture, there is typically a healing within
the birthparent's family. This happens as secrecy is eliminated when contact
occurs. Communication between the birthparent and her parents usually
contributes to this. Whenever possible, it is recommended that birthmothers be
telephoned during the day. Keeping the call informal in tone, makes it more
possible for her to maintain her privacy in case her family is not aware of the
adoption. Once it is verified that she is the person on the line, then a gradual
revelation of the nature of the call allows her to convey her ability to talk with
the agency representative.

Asking yes/no questions allows her greater freedom to respond. Statements
conveying that the call relates to a personal matter allows her the chance to
indicate that the professional may continue. Asking her at regular intervals if it is
still a good time to talk, gives her the safety to speak at a better time.

In the event that a telephone call is not possible, then a written communication
may be an option Using plain stationery is advisable. The nature of the message
is best kept very simple so that anyone reading the letter would not know that it
relates to an adoption. Attention paid to her protection is vital.

When the agency file indicates that her parents or siblings know about the
adoption, it may be necessary to engage their assistance to contact her. The risk
here is that the relatives may make decisions on behalf of the birthmother or
convey an incorrect or slanted message. This usually happens because family
members wish to protect the birthmother.

Since years before, birthmothers often ceded to parental pressure to pursue an
adoption, giving them the chance to make a decision without outside pressure is

adoption, giving them the chance to make a decision without outside pressure is
appropriate. As an adult and a central party, that is her right.

Making Contact with a Birthfather

As previously stated, there are a percentage of birthfathers who are incorrectly
named in agency files. For that reason, caution is vital when approaching him. It
is optimum to seek out the birthmother first when a search is initiated by an
adopted person. This allows the opportunity to verify~ the birthfather's identity.
Sometimes, even with this step of caution, an incorrect person is contacted. A
birthmother may truly believe the person she named is the correct one.
However, there are times when there were more than one partner and she
wishes it were the one she named. This conflict is often expressed by
birthmothers faced by this dilemma.

There will be times when the birthmothers is not open to contact and is not
willing to confirm the birthfather. If there is a named father within the file,
pursuing a search for him based on that record is appropriate. When there is a
question about the identity of the birthfather, alerting the adopted person and
the possible birthfather is critical. DNA testing may be indicated. Additionally,
preparation and support of both parties includes an assessment of the
willingness to risk emotionally. Reconciling oneself to the truth of a mistaken
father/child link is very difficult.

Jim asked for a search for his birthmother. When she was contacted. she agreed
to send and receive a letter, but refused further contact. She did verify' the name
of the birthfather contained in the agency file.

Jim asked that his birthfather, Dan, be contacted. This request was acted upon
and Dan was found soon thereafter. Dan indicated that he had never been told
about Jim. In spite of the shock, he was willing to pursue contact. Because there
were details in the file pertaining to Dan that were wrong, the contact was made
with great caution. There was the possibility that he had been incorrectly named

Both men agreed that DNA testing would be done to ascertain their relationship.
Even through this period of uncertainty they began to establish a pleasant
relationship. It was a conscious decision on their part, with a conscious
awareness of the risk

The DNA testing concluded that Dan was not Jim's birthfather. Jim was
devastated as he at least felt he had made contact with one side of the is birth
family tree. He also began to feel a tremendous amount of anger. Having tried to
be respectful of the birthmother's privacy, he now felt he needed to do

be respectful of the birthmother's privacy, he now felt he needed to do
something to get the correct information. Up until this point the agency
professional had been involved in processing the happenings. Jim decided to
search for his birthmother himself (It is appropriate for each person to decide his
own course of action and the professional in no way interfered with this.)

He successfully found her and was able to obtain the name of the other possible
father. He again enlisted the assistance of the agency professional to locate and
contact this other person.

This anecdote illustrates the many ramifications of incorrectly named
birthfathers. The emotional havoc and risk that accompanies this cannot be
underestimated. At the same time, it is not indicated to withhold services for
fear of complicated outcomes. Risk assessment and support of the participants
allows the involved parties to decide what they wish to handle. Sensitivity to the
birthmother is also relevant because it brings to light, years later, a sexual history
from her past. Whatever privacy can be afforded her, will safeguard the
relationship with her child and others in her life.

There are many named birthfathers who never were told of the adopted child.
Sometimes agency files will reflect whether this is the case. When the
birthmother has already been included in a contact, she can provide information
about the man's knowledge. All of this will play a part in how the exchange will
proceed with him. When it is possible to determine the place of employment of
the birthfather, contact there tends to be a safer way to approach. It affords him
some privacy to discuss the matter without jeopardizing his marriage. It allows
him to consider entering into contact and to convey whether being called at his
home is acceptable.

When it is necessary to call him at his home, asking for him when he does not
answer the phone, requires great care. This is especially so if the caller is a
woman. Each person being approached has the right to privacy and to determine
when and how to tell others. Safeguarding this in an ethical manner is essential.
This will usually mean identifying oneself by name when asked, but not by
affiliation. The intent here is not to misrepresent, but rather to offer
confidentiality to the birthparent.

If there is substantial probing by the person answering the telephone, judgment
will have to be used as to what is revealed. Risk assessment is continuous. There
may be situations where one says that the call pertains to a personal matter.
Needless to say, this will raise curiosity and risk. There will be times when the
risk is felt to be too high in the effort to maintain confidentiality and the best
course is to hang up. These considerations will apply to a birthmother call as

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