5 Ways to Introduce Humor into Your WorkTITLE

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:Design with a Smile

By Charlie Zimkus
www.CharlieZimkus.com
czimkus@yahoo.com

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5 ways to introduce
humor into your work
1) Exaggerate.
2) Use visual metaphors.
3) Make a game of it.
4) Get others to play along.
5) Parody.

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1) Exaggerate.

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Scale is an obvious
candidate.
Whether you
make things big ...

Cook’s Corner .................H2
Two’s Company ..............H2
Grape Expectations ......H3
By Definition ..................H3
For the Gourmet ............H5
Desperation Dinners .....H5

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∑

WEDNESDAY
MARCH 17, 2004

CUTTING EDGE

Food auction
Haven’t settled on tonight’s
plans for St. Patrick’s Day?
Then consider heading to
Loveland for ‘‘A Time With
Paddington,’’ a Paddington
bear exhibit and food auction sponsored by the
Greater Loveland Historical
Society Museum. People
can bid on items, including dinner for two, homemade pies and gift certificates to local restaurants.
The event is being held at
the JoAnn Richardson History House at Park and
Riverside Drive in Loveland. For more information, call 513-683-5692.

... or small.
Irish legend

And speaking of St.
Patrick’s Day, did you know
that cutting the cross in
the top of Irish soda bread
is an old superstition?
According to the March
issue of Martha Stewart
Living, making those cuts
in the top of the bread was
supposed to ‘‘let the devil
out’’ before baking.

Free ice
Although it may not seem
like it, spring is not far off.
To celebrate the first day of
spring, Rita’s Water Ice at
2116 W. Henderson Rd.
will give away a regularsize Italian ice treat to
everyone who stops by
Saturday. Nationwide, the
company plans to give
away more than a halfmillion cups of ice. For
H
more information, call
614-457-7290.

Cook’s Corner .................H2
Two’s Company ..............H2
Grape Expectations ......H3
By Definition ..................H3
For the Gourmet ............H5
Desperation Dinners .....H5

∑

WEDNESDAY
MARCH 17, 2004

CUTTING EDGE

CHARLIE ZIMKUS | DISPATCH PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

In

Broiler wisdom
Broiling is a great alternative to grilling during cold
months. To avoid broiler
fires, cooking aficionado
James Beard recommended putting a piece of
bread in the bottom of the
broiler pan. According to
1,001 Secrets of Great
Cooks, bread absorbs the
grease that can catch fire.

Food auction
Haven’t settled on tonight’s
plans for St. Patrick’s Day?
Then consider heading to
Loveland for ‘‘A Time With
Paddington,’’ a Paddington
bear exhibit and food auction sponsored by the
Greater Loveland Historical
Society Museum. People
can bid on items, including dinner for two, homemade pies and gift certificates to local restaurants.
The event is being held at
the JoAnn Richardson History House at Park and
Riverside Drive in Loveland. For more information, call 513-683-5692.

Irish legend
And speaking of St.
Patrick’s Day, did you know
that cutting the cross in
the top of Irish soda bread
is an old superstition?
According to the March
issue of Martha Stewart
Living, making those cuts
in the top of the bread was
supposed to ‘‘let the devil
out’’ before baking.

Free ice
Although it may not seem
like it, spring is not far off.
To celebrate the first day of
spring, Rita’s Water Ice at
2116 W. Henderson Rd.
will give away a regularsize Italian ice treat to
everyone who stops by
Saturday. Nationwide, the
company plans to give
away more than a halfmillion cups of ice. For
more information, call
614-457-7290.

CHARLIE ZIMKUS | DISPATCH PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

In

Broiler wisdom
Broiling is a great alternative to grilling during cold
months. To avoid broiler
fires, cooking aficionado
James Beard recommended putting a piece of
bread in the bottom of the
broiler pan. According to
1,001 Secrets of Great
Cooks, bread absorbs the
grease that can catch fire.

More cookbooks target pint-size chefs
By Robin Davis

Child’s traits
‘‘In order to know whether
a human being is young or
old, offer it food of different kinds at short intervals. If young, it will eat
anything at any hour of the
day or night.’’
— Oliver Wendell Holmes

Send your food news and
tidbits to Food Editor Robin
Davis, The Columbus Dispatch,
34 S. 3rd St., Columbus, Ohio
43215; fax, 614-559-1754.

Buying tips

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

N

ot so long ago, cookbooks for children consisted of smaller
versions of Mom’s favorite volumes. Pint-size Betty Crocker,
Fanny Farmer and Good Housekeeping books seemed aimed
at junior housewives to go right along with baby dolls and plastic
kitchen sets. ¶ But as food in this country has earned a capital ‘‘F’’
with glossy magazines, gourmet cookware stores and even an entire
TV channel complete with celebrity chefs dedicated to food, so too
has the kids’ cookbook market changed. ¶ Saveur magazine recently
reported that 7,552 children’s cookbooks were available on
amazon.com. Anyone who has taken a walk down a bookstore aisle
can see the staggering variety of books aimed at teaching children

Dandy recipes
If there’s spring, there
must be summer, and with
summer come dandelions.
Try your hand at dandelion
cooking at the National
Dandelion Cook-off in
Dover. Entrants should prepare unique recipes using
the dandelion flower, root
or green as a main ingredient. Deadline for recipe
submission is April 1.
Finalists will compete at
the Dandelion May Fest on
May 1 at Breitenbach Wine
Cellars and could win
$500 for first place. That’s
just enough money for a
visit from the weed killer.
For more information, visit
www.breitenbachwine.com
or call 1-800-THE-WINE.

large

measure

See COOKBOOKS Page H3

While many experts think any
cookbook that makes children
interested in food and cooking
is good, they have a few suggestions for picking the best:
∑ Pick books with colorful photographs. Seeing what the finished food looks like can entice
children to try different recipes.
Picture books are especially
good for younger kids with limited reading skills.
∑ Scan the recipes to be sure
they cover the basics: how to
measure liquids versus dry
ingredients, how to preheat the
oven, how to mix.
∑ Look for books which include

safety guidelines throughout
the recipes or at least have a
section on kitchen safety.
∑ Select cookbooks that go
beyond traditional kid favorites
like macaroni and cheese.
Books that include dishes on
fruits and vegetables may
enourage children to try something new.
∑ Be sure to get books that are
age-appropriate for the child.
Books written for an 8-year-old
may not be appealing to a 12year-old.
∑ Stick to books that use easyto-find ingredients. Remember:
It will be the adult who needs
to make the extra trip for anything special.

Dandy recipes
If there’s spring, there
must be summer, and with
come dandelions.
Try your hand at dandelion
cooking at the National
Dandelion Cook-off in
Dover. Entrants should prepare unique recipes using
the dandelion flower, root
or green as a main ingredient. Deadline for recipe
submission is April 1.
Finalists will compete at
the Dandelion May Fest on
May 1 at Breitenbach Wine
Cellars and could win

Tips will make you a fan of sauces in a pan
summer
By CeCe Sullivan
THE SEATTLE TIMES

Pan sauces, unlike the emulsified
branch of the sauce family, have a forgiving nature. If the sauce is too thin, it can
either be reduced further or thickened
with a starch. Or maybe the sauce has
been reduced so much, it needs loosening
up. Just correct the consistency with a
tablespoon or two of water or other liquid.
The foundation of pan sauces are the
crusty juices that form on the bottom of
the pan when food is browned, sauteed or
roasted. Here’s how to construct an elegant sauce, step by step.
1. Saute: Meats should first be patted
with paper towels to absorb excess moisture. Choose a heavy-bottomed saute or
frying pan. In Sauces: Classical and Contemporary Sauce Making, author James
Peterson advises paying attention to the

The foundation of pan sauces are
the crusty juices that form on the
bottom of the pan when food is
browned, sauteed or roasted.

size of the pan: ‘‘When meats are
sauteed,’’ he writes, ‘‘they should fit neatly
into the saute pan with no extra room. If
the pan is too large, so that part of its surface is exposed during sauteing, the meat
juices, which are essential to pandeglazed sauces, will burn. An overcrowded pan, on the other hand, will prevent
the meat from browning evenly and may
even cause it to release its juices too
quickly, so that it simmers in its own
juices, rather than browns.’’
Heat the pan over medium to medium-

03/17

high heat. (Some burners are hotter than
others, so adjust the heat accordingly.) Add
the oil or other fat called for in the recipe.
When hot, add food and cook without
moving until a crust is formed, which
should release easily from the pan. Then
turn and finish cooking. The food should
be a rich brown, but should not blacken.
2. Degrease: After sauteing and removing meat from pan, pour off the fat. (If
aromatics are going to be added, a thin
glaze of fat can be left on the bottom of
the pan.)
3. Deglaze: After degreasing pan, put it
back on the heat. Now add aromatics such
as minced garlic and shallot, or a mirepoix
— a tiny dice of carrot, celery and onion.
Saute about 30 seconds. Pour liquid into
the pan; it should come to a boil quickly.
Use a spatula to loosen the browned

See SAUCES Page H3

FOOD, PAGE H1

BARY WONG | THE SEATTLE TIMES

An apricot-wild mushroom sauce to go
with sauteed pork chops is made in the
pan in which the meat was cooked.

large measure
More cookbooks target pint-size chefs

By Robin Davis

N

ot so long ago, cookbooks for children consisted of smaller
versions of Mom’s favorite volumes. Pint-size Betty Crocker,
Fanny Farmer and Good Housekeeping books seemed aimed
at junior housewives to go right along with baby dolls and plastic
kitchen sets. ¶ But as food in this country has earned a capital ‘‘F’’
with glossy magazines, gourmet cookware stores and even an entire
TV channel complete with celebrity chefs dedicated to food, so too
has the kids’ cookbook market changed. ¶ Saveur magazine recently
reported that 7,552 children’s cookbooks were available on
amazon.com. Anyone who has taken a walk down a bookstore aisle
can see the staggering variety of books aimed at teaching children

See COOKBOOKS Page H3

Buying tips
While many experts think any
cookbook that makes children
interested in food and cooking
is good, they have a few suggestions for picking the best:
∑ Pick books with colorful photographs. Seeing what the finished food looks like can entice
children to try different recipes.
Picture books are especially
good for younger kids with limited reading skills.
∑ Scan the recipes to be sure
they cover the basics: how to
measure liquids versus dry
ingredients, how to preheat the
oven, how to mix.
∑ Look for books which include

safety guidelines throughout
the recipes or at least have a
section on kitchen safety.
∑ Select cookbooks that go
beyond traditional kid favorites
like macaroni and cheese.
Books that include dishes on
fruits and vegetables may
enourage children to try something new.
∑ Be sure to get books that are
age-appropriate for the child.
Books written for an 8-year-old
may not be appealing to a 12year-old.
∑ Stick to books that use easyto-find ingredients. Remember:
It will be the adult who needs
to make the extra trip for anything special.

H

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Playing with
scale can have
a light-hearted
effect.

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2007 BREAKING NEWS: DISPATCH.COM

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SCIENCE BRIEFS

Old NASA spacecraft
assigned to new jobs
NASA took its Deep Impact
spacecraft — the one that in
2005 sent an 800-pound probe
crashing into a comet — and gave
it two new missions. One was to
study known extrasolar planets,
and the other to fly past a second comet, Boethin, in 2008,
and survey it. But since the
mission was announced, a problem cropped up. Boethin, which
is about a mile in diameter,
seems to have disappeared.
Astronomers cannot locate it and
suggest that it may have broken
into pieces too small to be seen.
So NASA is retargeting the Deep
Impact craft. The agency approved sending the spacecraft to
another comet, Hartley 2.

Forbidden
fruit(cake)

Exploit the
characteristics of
your subject in
unusual ways.

Fast-flowing water
can form deposits, too

PubDate: 12-25-07

Page: 6 E

Edition: 1 Replate:

E6

About two-thirds of the sedimentary rock at or near the
earth’s surface is mudstone, rock
formed by the deposition of clays
and other fine particles. Those
particles are carried by water and
are so fine that it has always
been assumed that for deposition to occur, the water had to be
still — a deep lake, perhaps. But
a study by Juergen
METRO SCIENCE Schieber and
Kevin Thaisen of Indiana University, with John Southard of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, published in Science,
shows that fine clays may be
deposited by fast-flowing water.
User: kmetts Color:C
K
Y
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THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2007 BREAKING NEWS: DISPATCH.COM

SCIENCE BRIEFS

Old NASA spacecraft
assigned to new jobs
NASA took its Deep Impact
spacecraft — the one that in
2005 sent an 800-pound probe
crashing into a comet — and gave
it two new missions. One was to
study known extrasolar planets,
and the other to fly past a second comet, Boethin, in 2008,
and survey it. But since the
mission was announced, a problem cropped up. Boethin, which
is about a mile in diameter,
seems to have disappeared.
Astronomers cannot locate it and
suggest that it may have broken
into pieces too small to be seen.
So NASA is retargeting the Deep
Impact craft. The agency approved sending the spacecraft to
another comet, Hartley 2.

Forbidden
fruit(cake)

Fast-flowing water
can form deposits, too

The ocean is home to many weird
creatures, but few that are as
weird as the worms of the genus
Osedax. The worms feast on the
bones of “whalefalls,” carcasses
on the seafloor. Osedax can
make short work of even large
whales, said Robert C. Vrijenhoek
of the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Research Institute in California.
But the ocean floor is not exactly
wall-to-wall whalefalls. Might the
worms devour bones of other
marine mammals as well? To test
that idea, Vrijenhoek and colleagues set out cow bones near
whale carcasses in Monterey Bay.
As they report in The Proceedings
of the Royal Society B: Biological
Sciences, the bones were colonized within a few months at
several sites. By demonstrating
that the worms go for cow bones,
the researchers have shown that
the worms could have a more
varied diet. “If they can live on
cow bones,” Vrijenhoek said,
“they can probably live on anything.”
— From wire reports

SCIENCE BLOG
- To read Dark Matter
on the Web, go to http://
blog.dispatch.com/darkmatter/

Ocean worms aren’t
picky eaters after all

Experts dig into
the oft-maligned
The ocean is home to
holiday staple

many weird
creatures, but few that are as
weird as the worms of the genus
Osedax. The worms feast on the
bones of “whalefalls,” carcasses
on the seafloor. Osedax can
make short work of even large
whales, said Robert C. Vrijenhoek
of the Monterey Bay Aquarium
Research Institute in California.
But the ocean floor is not exactly
wall-to-wall whalefalls. Might the
worms devour bones of other
marine mammals as well? To test
that idea, Vrijenhoek and colleagues set out cow bones near

By Kevin Mayhood

F


ruitcake is food for thought.
spongy and dries out and
And, with a handful of large U.S. bakers alone crumbles,” Klosterman said.
But a fruitcake, as it ages,
selling more than 6 million pounds of the stuff
“can become practically unduring the holidays, there’s a lot to go around.
breakable.”
Some receivers revel in the fare while others
use the cakes as doorstops, toss them in the gar- Dig the cake
No ancient, petrified fruitbage or regift them.
cake has been discovered, but
However, this butt of holiday jokes can be
the holiday staple can noneviewed as a veritable brick of plenty for sciences theless offer a lesson in geolincluding metallurgy, geology, composite mate- ogy. only real analogy
“The
rials and psychology.
would be to glacial till,” said
Dale Gnidovec, curator of the
Read on.

Like a brick house

HOW TO REACH US
ASSISTANT CITY EDITOR

Mark Somerson......614-461-8508
msomerson@dispatch.com

SCIENCE REPORTER

Kevin Mayhood.......614-461-5256
kmayhood@dispatch.com

Composites, such as concrete and fiberglass, are two
or more materials mixed
together to provide properties
greater than the individual
components can offer, said
Don Klosterman, senior polymer engineer at the University of Dayton’s Research

12-25-07

Institute.
“Fruitcake is analogous to
how a lot of these materials
are formed,” he said. “You
have a matrix — the cake mix
— which is loaded with reinforcing particles, in this case
fruits and nuts.
“Without the reinforcing
materials, a plain cake is

PAGE E6

Orton Geological Museum at
Ohio State University.
The nuts and fruits and the
cake that binds them are akin
to the boulders, rocks, sand
and gravel that glaciers carried with them across much
of Ohio millions of years ago,
Gnidovec said.

See FRUITCAKE Page E7

Experts dig into

ARLIE ZIMKUS, RENEE SAUER DISPATCH PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

Ocean worms aren’t
picky eaters after all

CHARLIE ZIMKUS, RENEE SAUER DISPATCH PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

About two-thirds of the sedimentary rock at or near the
earth’s surface is mudstone, rock
formed by the deposition of clays
and other fine particles. Those
particles are carried by water and
are so fine that it has always
been assumed that for deposition to occur, the water had to be
still — a deep lake, perhaps. But
a study by Juergen Schieber and
Kevin Thaisen of Indiana University, with John Southard of the
Massachusetts Institute of Technology, published in Science,
shows that fine clays may be
deposited by fast-flowing water.

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Exaggerate a
feature that is
appropriate for
the story.

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Push it to the
extreme.

e removed quickly
engers must removeTRAVEL
nt.
PubDate: 11-18-07

Page: 1 F Edition: 1 Replate:

User: czimkus Color:C
K
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SUNDAY
NOVEMBER 18, 2007

Sun-soaked casinos

Coming next Sunday

OGLEBAY RESORT

Florida bets on growing industry ,F3

Holiday lights and more

F

Online

AND ANOTHER THING
Dispatch.com/blogs

For breaking news, visit Dispatch.com.

Speedier security
By Steve Stephens

Learn how
to minimize
delays
at airport
checkpoints

F

lying can be a trying experience, with delays,
overbookings and cancellations.
But passengers face their first trial well before they
reach the gate: at the security screening checkpoint. The
approach of the Thanksgiving holiday — one of the busiest
times at the nation’s airports — promises to add to those trials.
Even frequent fliers sometimes get confused or befuddled
when confronting security checkpoints. For newbies, the
process can be especially stressful. See SECURITY Page F2

TIPS FOR GETTING THROUGH SECURITY

Remember the “3-1-1 Rule.” All carry-on liquids
must be in 3.4-ounce or smaller containers and
all must fit inside one clear 1-quart bag.

Have your boarding pass and
ID in hand so you can present
them at checkpoints.

Don’t wear large
metal items that
might set off
metal detectors.
(Small belt
buckles and rings
are usually OK.)

Don’t pack carry-on bags too full.
Security screeners must be able to identify
the items in bags when X-raying them.

Put loose metal items such as keys, cell phones,
pagers and loose change into a carry-on bag, or
gather them in one place so they can easily be found,
passed through the X-ray machine and retrieved.

Wear shoes that can be removed quickly
and put back on. Passengers must remove
shoes at the checkpoint.

CHARLIE ZIMKUS DISPATCH

What is and isn’t OK

ALLOWED

After Sept. 11, 2001, when terrorists took over airplanes
with box cutters, security screenings became more intense.
Then came a potential bomber with explosives in his shoes
and a plot to blow up planes using bottled liquids.
All that has led to a crackdown — and confusion — on what
is allowed aboard an airplane in carry-on bags.
Some prohibited items are allowed in checked bags instead of a carry-on, but don’t be surprised that your fireworks or grenades aren’t allowed in either the passenger
compartment or the cargo hold.
Here is a partial list of what is allowed in carry-on luggage
and what is not.

NOT ALLOWED

- Beverages bought
after going through
security screening
- Pudding, yogurt,
3 ounces or less
- Cigar cutters
- Corkscrews
- Tools such as screwdrivers and pliers
shorter than 7 inches
- Knitting needles and
crochet hooks

- Metal scissors with
blades shorter than
4 inches
- Nail files
- Safety razors
- Walking canes
- Umbrellas
- One book of safety
matches
- Baby formula
- Transformer toys

- Beverages
bought before
going through
security screening
and larger than
3 ounces
- Box cutters
- Gel-type candles
- Gel-type shoe
inserts
- Snow globes
- Spray paint

- Torch lighters
- Lighter fluid
- Nightsticks
- Tools longer
than 7 inches
- Meat cleavers
- Drills and drill
bits
- Golf clubs
- Ski poles
- Sabers

For a more complete list, visit www.tsa.gov/travelers/airtravel. Click on the link “Prohibited Items.’’

TICKET TO WRITE

Time wasn’t on his side when Congress set the clocks
Like many travelers, I get nervous when I’m running late for a
flight or a ferry or a hotel checkout.
So why don’t I
wear a watch?
The answer
probably lies
buried somewhere deep in
my psyche, just
to the left of the
neurons that
generate those
STEVE
dreams in
which I appear
STEPHENS
naked on a
stage while forgetting all my lines.
But a watch wouldn’t have
helped me a few weeks ago, when
I spent almost an entire day one
hour behind the rest of the world.

I blame my pocket planner and
Congress.
Given my crazy schedule, my
planner is indispensable. I go
where it tells me to go when it tells
me. (If I ever misplace it, look for
me curled up and mewling under
my desk.) So when the planner
plainly stated “Daylight-saving
time ends” Oct. 28, I believed it.
Unfortunately, Congress had
other ideas and voted, apparently
sometime after my planner was
printed, to extend daylight-saving
time an extra week.
At the inn where I was staying, I
wondered why all the guests had
shown up for breakfast so early.
Everyone seemed to be checking
out early, too. And our hostess
seemed strangely antsy to conduct
an interview I had set up for, oh,

about an hour from that very
moment, I thought.
I often feel out of step with the
rest of the world, but never in so
tangible a form. Still, it wasn’t until
hours and miles later that I began
to suspect the truth.
When I finally got my signals
straight, I realized, with wonder,
that lagging behind hadn’t led to
any awful repercussions. I’d even
enjoyed an extra hour’s sleep.
This time, Congress gets a pass.

Charity cruise
Earlier this year I wrote about
the Buckeye Cruise for Cancer, a
Caribbean cruise Feb. 8-11 that
promises to raise at least $500,000
to fight cancer.
See STEPHENS Page F2

11-18-07

Our hostess
seemed
strangely
antsy to
conduct
an interview
I had set up
for, oh,
about an
hour from
that very
moment.

PAGE F1

Don’t wear large
metal items that
might set off
metal detectors.
(Small belt
buckles and rings
are usually OK.)

at airport
checkpoints

n
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ith a S
w

TIPS FOR GETTING THROUGH SECURITY
Have your boarding pass and
ID in hand so you can present
them at checkpoints.

times at the nation’s airports — promises to add to those trials.
Even frequent fliers sometimes get confused or befuddled
when confronting security checkpoints. For newbies, the
process can be especially stressful. See SECURITY Page F2

Remember the “3-1-1 Rule.” All carry-on liquids
must be in 3.4-ounce or smaller containers and
all must fit inside one clear 1-quart bag.

Don’t wear large
metal items that
might set off
metal detectors.
(Small belt
buckles and rings
are usually OK.)

Don’t pack carry-on bags too full.
Security screeners must be able to identify
the items in bags when X-raying them.

Put loose metal items such as keys, cell phones,
pagers and loose change into a carry-on bag, or
gather them in one place so they can easily be found,
passed through the X-ray machine and retrieved.

Wear shoes that can be removed quickly
and put back on. Passengers must remove
shoes at the checkpoint.


What is and isn’t OK
After Sept. 11, 2001, when terrorists took over airplanes
with box cutters, security screenings became more intense.

ALLOWED
- Beverages bought
after going through
security screening

NOT ALLOWED
- Metal scissors with
blades shorter than
4 inches

- Beverages
bought before
going through

- Torch lighters
- Lighter fluid

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2) Use visual metaphors.

Vice vs. virtue

Thomas J. Craughwell
catches Saints
Behaving Badly in his
entertaining new
book D7

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SUNDAY
OCTOBER 15, 2006

Use a metaphor to
make a non-visual
topic visual.
CHARLIE ZIMKUS, CHRIS RUSSELL

DISPATCH PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

Writers of ‘fan fiction’ dream up
new adventures for
their favorite characters from pop culture

PubDate: 10-15-06

Section: Arts

Page: 1 D

Edition: 1 Replate: 1 User: tlemmon

Time: 10/14 16:16

Size:

Broadsheet

Amateur hour

Color:C
K
Y
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0

Vice vs. virtue

Thomas J. Craughwell
catches Saints
Behaving Badly in his
entertaining new
book D7

SUNDAY
OCTOBER 15, 2006

D

WWW.DISPATCH.COM

On the Internet
CHARLIE ZIMKUS, CHRIS RUSSELL

A sampling of Web sites, many of
which carefully label adults-only
material, that offer fan fiction:
- www.fanfiction.net: The
granddaddy of such sites remains
one of the best bets for literate
fiction, although it has its share of
howlingly bad efforts — and
detractors.
- www.fictionalley.org: It contains
all that anyone could want to read
about Harry Potter and company.
- www.theforce.net: It provides all
Star Wars, all the time.

DISPATCH PHOTO ILLUSTRATION

Writers of ‘fan fiction’ dream up
new adventures for
their favorite characters from pop culture

Amateur hour
On the Internet
A sampling of Web sites, many of
which carefully label adults-only
material, that offer fan fiction:
- www.fanfiction.net: The
granddaddy of such sites remains
one of the best bets for literate
fiction, although it has its share of
howlingly bad efforts — and
detractors.
- www.fictionalley.org: It contains
all that anyone could want to read
about Harry Potter and company.
- www.theforce.net: It provides all
Star Wars, all the time.

if

By Cheryl Truman
and Heather Chapman
MCCLATCHY NEWSPAPERS

you don’t know much about “fan fiction,” you might get a taste of it with
a quick summary of a story based extremely loosely on the TV series Star
Trek: The Next Generation:
An impossibly brave, talented, beautiful young woman — who just
happens to be named after the author — insinuates herself into the life of
Capt. Jean-Luc Picard. In a footrace, she twists her ankle. She then
commits ritual suicide using an eyelash and a fingernail scrap.
Who says fan fiction is uniformly pretty — or logical?
Such writing, simply put, spins off a new tale with established characters. Despite roots that
go back decades, it is spawned largely by the Internet as well as fanzines — magazines aimed
at fans of a specific cultural phenomenon, such as Star Trek.
Much of fan fiction, or “fanfic” or “fic,” seems to be based on television, but it also stems
from anything else that inspires a loyal following — books, movies, anime, video games,
Broadway musicals, even professional wrestling.
With just a simple Internet search for a favorite fictional character, a reader is bound to find
See AMATEUR Page D2

MUSIC

MOVIES

Singer explains mysteries of lyrics

Boundaries of sex,
politics being pushed

By Aaron Beck

Asked why they write their songs, some
musicians shrug or mumble.
Matt Miner, on the other hand, rewards an
interviewer with concrete nouns and active
verbs — vibrant thoughts about Black
Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Celtic Frost, the
Melvins and Metallica (the Cliff Burton era);
Indian mounds; and the allure of psychedelic
rock.
Miner — the vocalist, guitarist and songwriter of the central Ohio metal trio Teeth of
the Hydra — is aptly named: To create the
tracks for the new album Greenland, recently
released on the New York label Tee Pee
Records, he sifted his mind.
“I write songs by looking at pictures or
reading about places like nuclear cities and
imagine what an existence like that would be
like,” the 32-year-old said. “I am not inspired
by mundane life. I don’t write songs about
being (ticked) off at work. I’m only inspired by
things that are fantastic.”
Later this month, Miner will join his Hydra
mates, bass player Matt Bailey and drummer
Jamie Stillman, to perform selections from
See SINGER Page D2

D

WWW.DISPATCH.COM

By Elizabeth Weitzman
NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

WILL SHILLING FOR THE DISPATCH

“I write songs by looking at pictures or reading
about places like nuclear cities. . . . I am not
inspired by mundane life. I don’t write songs about
being (ticked) off at work. I’m only inspired by
things that are fantastic.”
MATT MINER
Teeth of the Hydra

10-15-06

Remember the Oscar nominees
for 2005? Each of the movies up
for best picture in the spring was
touted as daring and provocative,
from directors determined to test
limits and break ground.
Ah, innocence.
Shocked by two gay cowboys?
Get ready for the pansexual gymnastics — in full-frontal glory —
throughout Shortbus, from John
Cameron Mitchell.
Disturbed by the racial sparks
of Crash? Buckle up for Borat,
which mines extreme sexism and
anti-Semitism for humor.
Unnerved by the political
implications of Munich? Be prepared for Death of a President.
The list continues with potential rabble-rousers such as the
comedy Sleeping Dogs Lie and the
gender-switching indie work
Zerophilia; the documentary

Dixie Chicks: Shut Up and Sing;
and the seemingly mild (on these
shores, anyway) British drama
The Queen.
What has caused the upturn in
on-screen instigation?
Douglas Brode, the author of
Sinema: Erotic Adventures in Film
and a cinema-studies professor at
Syracuse (N.Y.) University, points
to a growing sense of unrest.
“After 9/11, we were all trying to
stay within the bounds of good
taste and we were all encouraged
to self-censor,” Brode says. “But
as the political climate grows
more divisive, people are now
beginning to speak out more.”
Paul Schrader agrees — and, as
the screenwriter of Taxi Driver
(1976) and The Last Temptation of
Christ (1988), and the writerdirector of American Gigolo
(1980), knows about controversy.
“In troubled times like these,

if

By Cheryl Truman
and Heather Chapman
MCCLATCHY NEWSPAPERS

you don’t know much about “fan fiction,” you might get a taste of it with
a quick summary of a story based extremely loosely on the TV series Star
Trek: The Next Generation:
An impossibly brave, talented, beautiful young woman — who just
happens to be named after the author — insinuates herself into the life of
Capt. Jean-Luc Picard. In a footrace, she twists her ankle. She then
commits ritual suicide using an eyelash and a fingernail scrap.
Who says fan fiction is uniformly pretty — or logical?
Such writing, simply put, spins off a new tale with established characters. Despite roots that
go back decades, it is spawned largely by the Internet as well as fanzines — magazines aimed
at fans of a specific cultural phenomenon, such as Star Trek.
Much of fan fiction, or “fanfic” or “fic,” seems to be based on television, but it also stems
from anything else that inspires a loyal following — books, movies, anime, video games,
Broadway musicals, even professional wrestling.
With just a simple Internet search for a favorite fictional character, a reader is bound to find
See AMATEUR Page D2

See BOUNDARIES Page D2

PAGE D1

MUSIC

MOVIES

Boundaries of sex,

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F

2

[

Look for visual
similarities.

W

ONLINE

∑

0

1

1

]

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$2.00

SUNDAY, JUNE 23, 2013

DISPATCH.COM

Downtown abuzz for Pride parade / B1
Researchers try to grow hops in Ohio / D1
Gettysburg set to mark 150 years / G1
German Village house showcases art / H1
Law enforcement

Create new
images by
combining
objects.

Cost limits
high-tech
radios’ use
By Randy Ludlow

Inside:
Coupons
worth up
to $229
Coupon values vary
by delivery zone.

HOSPITALS

The agreement between Ohio State
and Mount Carmel raises questions
over how once-competitors will soon
become collaborators


High: 90 • Low: 68
Details on Page B10

Prisoner of war’s
family optimistic
about his return
About 2,000 people gathered yesterday at a rally in Hailey, Idaho, for
Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, the only
current U.S. prisoner of war in Afghanistan. His Taliban captors offered last week to exchange him for
five who are being detained at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and his family
encouraged the government to accept the deal. • Page A15

Even in a small city such as
Logan, it wasn’t always possible for police officers and
dispatchers to talk to one
another over the low-tech
radio system.
There were dead spots, and
trying to use a portable radio
in a large building, such as
the hospital or a big-box
store, resulted only in static.
The communication glitches, long a problem for firstresponders throughout Ohio,
threatened the safety of both
the public and officers, said
Police Chief Aaron Miller.
But thanks to state grant
money, police in the Hocking
County seat upgraded in April
See Radios Page A13

Drugs

Meth labs’
revival
spurs fight
By Holly Zachariah

The plastic bottle in the
ditch looked harmless
enough. So the teenager
clearing trash with fellow FFA
members as a community
service picked it up and
tossed it in his garbage bag.
A fire flashed from inside.
The Muskingum County
boy wasn’t injured last fall
when he unwittingly picked
up the bottle containing the
remnants of a home-brewed
batch of methamphetamine.
But what happened was a
powerful reminder that the
volatile byproducts that meth
makers leave behind endanger people not involved
in making or using the illegal
See Meth labs Page A8

CHARLIE ZIMKUS

DISPATCH

A changing
dynamic

L

By Ben Sutherly •


ast week’s affiliation announcement by two of central Ohio’s three adult hospital systems will no
doubt change the competitive dynamic among the
region’s hospitals. • But just how much remains to
be seen. • In announcing what stops well short of a merger,
leaders of Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center and
Mount Carmel Health System had few details about the form
their collaboration might take. • The arrangement aims to
help both systems control their spending, in part by achieving economies of scale, said Ken Rodgers, a Standard Poor’s
See Hospitals Page A12

Stunt performer,
pilot killed in
Dayton crash
A plane crashed at a Dayton air show
yesterday, killing the pilot and a
wing-walker in front of thousands of
spectators. The plane turned upside
down as planned just before the
crash, then appeared to have
insufficient air speed to turn over.
Wing-walker Jane Wicker and pilot
Charles Schwenker were from
Virginia. • Page B1

Two quick goals
send Crew to
another loss
A week after upsetting the top team
in the Eastern Conference, the Crew
let a fast start evaporate last night at
home in a 2-1 loss to Chicago.
Dominic Oduro scored in the seventh
minute to put the Crew ahead, but
former Crew player Dilly Duka scored
the first of two Fire goals in the 52nd
minute to drop the home team to
5-6-5 on the season. • Page C1

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SPECIAL SECTION ˙ SUNDAY, MAY 20, 2012

2

Choose a
metaphor that
matches the tone
of your subject.

0

1

2

Summer
Guide
Area arts and entertainment highlights,
plus a roundup of statewide activities

Summer
in the City
PAGES 2-12

Summer
in the State
PAGES 14-35


After a regular season spanning November to March, the grind of league play and
a frenetic conference tournament, 65 teams (down to 64 as of Tuesday night) earned
the right to enter the labyrinth that is the NCAA Tournament. And now, star players such
as Evan Turner of Ohio State, John Wall of Kentucky and Sherron Collins of Kansas
will try to help their squads navigate the inevitable twists and turns of March Madness,
with a singular goal awaiting at the end: a national championship.

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S TA R T

2

Evan urne
Evan Turner
O H I O S TAT E
T AT
AT

4
64
64

Exploit as many
similarities as
possible between
your subject and
metaphor.

5

John al
John Wall

KENTUCKY

FINISH

3

8
Andy autins
Andy Rautins
ndy
SYRACUSE

6
PubDate: 03-18-2010

Page: 1 D

Edition: 1 Replate:

User: czimkus

Color:C
K
Y
M

Armo Basset
Armon Bassett

32
32

7

OHIO UNIVERSITY
$1.00

TOURNAMENT

9

I2
I2

THURSDAY, MARCH 18, 2O1O

PREVIEW

After a regular season spanning November to March, the grind of league play and
a frenetic conference tournament, 65 teams (down to 64 as of Tuesday night) earned
the right to enter the labyrinth that is the NCAA Tournament. And now, star players such
as Evan Turner of Ohio State, John Wall of Kentucky and Sherron Collins of Kansas
will try to help their squads navigate the inevitable twists and turns of March Madness,
with a singular goal awaiting at the end: a national championship.

II

S TA R T

Sherro Collin
Sherron Collins
rro
ins
KANSAS

2

I4
I4

Evan urne
Evan Turner
O H I O S TAT E
T AT
AT

4
64
64

5

John al
John Wall

KENTUCKY

FINISH

3

8
Andy autins
Andy Rautins
ndy
SYRACUSE

6

Armo Basset
Armon Bassett

32
32

7

OHIO UNIVERSITY

9

IO
IO

I3
3

I2
I2

II
Sherro Collin
Sherron Collins
rro
ins
KANSAS

Jordan Crawfor
Jordan Crawford
ra ord

I4
I4

X AV I E R
AV

IO
IO

I3
3
Jordan Crawfor
Jordan Crawford
ra ord
X AV I E R
AV

INSIDE THIS SECTION

»

The Ohio State
men have relied
on six players
almost exclusively
down the stretch

Jantel Lavender
has been a rock
in the middle for
the Ohio State
n
women this season

Former Hoosier
Armon Bassett
is leading the
charge for
Ohio University

PAGE 2

PAGE 3

PAGE 4

03-18-2010

PAGE D1

Men’s regional
analyses
PAGES 4-5

Women’s
regional analyses
PAGE 6

INSIDE THIS SECTION
The Ohio State
men have relied
on six players

Jantel Lavender
has been a rock
in the middle for

»

Former Hoosier
Armon Bassett
is leading the

Men’s regional
analyses
PAGES 4-5

SUNDAY
JANUARY 29, 2006

Ga., to California wine
country — entice for
Valentine’s Day | F4

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TICKET TO WRITE

∑

∑

STEVE STEPHENS | DISPATCH

Debbie Pentak, left, and Nancy Busby
will work — and stargaze — at the
Olympic Village.

∑

Find a visual way
to express how
something feels.

∑

∑

Friends
volunteer
for turn
in Turin

∑
Cupid’s road map

∑

Ten romantic destinations — from Savannah,
Ga., to California wine

SUNDAY
JANUARY 29, 2006

F

TICKET TO WRITE

∑

∑

∑


Olympic Village.

∑

∑

∑

Friends
volunteer
for turn
in Turin

∑

∑
∑

So long, maps
Stories by Bill Eichenberger

ou are here.
Nothing makes the proclamation more
clearly than a Global Positioning System
receiver.
Sure, a map in the mall will reveal that
you are in front of Macy’s and that Brookstone
is three doors down, but if you move, the sign stays put.
Where are you now?
And where is Sears?
GPS devices help
Enter the GPS.
tourists navigate
The beauty of the device
unfamiliar places —
— which is gaining ground
and look cool
throughout the United
States in automobiles — is
that it moves with a user, constantly updating his
whereabouts.
Getting lost is pretty difficult when the little voice on
the dash keeps telling you where to turn. Even if you
miss an intersection, it will adjust.
‘‘Off course. Recalculating.’’
For years, GPS technology has helped hikers,
boaters and others keep their bearings, so it was only
See GPS Page F2

Pocket-size computer
helps New York visitor
My editor thought it would be fun to
send me to New York to find my way
around using only a hand-held GPS.
I found many practical reasons to
navigate with the tool, a 5-inch-by-2.8inch Garmin iQue M3.
Small enough to fit in your hand, the
‘‘pocket PC’’ is also part digital assistant,
able to keep schedules, send e-mail and
amuse with games.
But my favorite reason for using the
iQue to get around Manhattan’s Upper
West Side had to do with vanity.
The electronic device is discreet,
unlike the unwieldy street map that
screams ‘‘Tourist!’’ (Conversely, nothing
screams ‘‘Urban sophisticate!’’ like an
electronic gadget.)
I had been to Manhattan several
times without ever getting out of Midtown. I had heard of the famous places
— from Greenwich Village and Chinatown to Harlem — but couldn’t point
them out on a map or even tell east
from west.
Armed with a $533.32 iQue (on loan), I
See NEW YORK Page F2

CHARLIE ZIMKUS | DISPATCH

01/29

TRAVEL, PAGE F1

Many Americans will travel to Italy
next month to watch the Winter
Olympics.
But two Worthington women
will be more than spectators,
although they won’t be skating,
skiing or curling.
Debbie Pentak
and Nancy Busby
will be volunteers at
the Olympic Village
in Turin.
The two part-time
teachers signed up
for the job more
than two years ago.
‘‘They really want
STEVE
us for our English,
S T E P H E N S fortunately,’’ Pentak
said. ‘‘But they also
wanted a working background in Italian.’’
Both women have traveled to Italy
to become capable in the language
and felt ready to put their linguistic
skills to a big test. And both had
always wanted to see an Olympics.
Both are also unusual volunteers.
‘‘My friend
and I aren’t
∑ Information on
young, like most the Turin Olympic
of the volunand Paralympic
teers,’’ Pentak
games is available at
said.
www.torino2006.org.
Pentak is 54.
Busby would
say only that she’s a grandmother.
‘‘And only about 15 percent out of
20,000 (volunteers) are foreign,’’ Pentak said.
The friends will have to pay their
own expenses except for meals, onsite transportation and uniforms.
‘‘And we have to pay to see the
events, so of course we’ve budgeted
lots of money for that,’’ Pentak said.
Tickets shouldn’t be hard to come
by. Turin has yet to sell out more than
a few events.
‘‘I’m not worried about tickets,’’
Pentak said.
‘‘I could have bought them ahead of
time, but I wanted to be available for
volunteering whenever they wanted
me.’’
And she wants to do a little stargazing, too.
‘‘I’m hoping I’ll see a lot of athletes.
Who doesn’t want to see Bode Miller
and Michelle Kwan? And the Italian
athletes — I figured I should get to
know them, too.’’
But a volunteer has certain responsibilities, one of which is to make the
athletes feel at home in Olympic Village.
‘‘They told us we can’t pull out our
cameras, can’t ask for autographs
while we’re on duty. But outside the
village we can. So I’m still going to
have my camera on me.’’
Pulling off their working vacation
took the women several years of planning.
They signed up on the Turin
Olympic Web site in 2004, then visited
Turin together that summer for a twoweek language immersion experience.
‘‘While we were there, we went to
meet the head (Olympics) volunteer
coordinator,’’ Pentak said.
‘‘She told us, ‘We need you. We
want you. We need English-(speaking)
volunteers.’
‘‘We stayed in a pension, mostly
occupied by students, and no one
there or in the neighborhood spoke
English, so we got plenty of practice in
Italian. And we’re staying in the very
same place when we go back.
‘‘My husband (Steve) and I love
Italy; so do Nancy and her husband.
I’d started learning on my own so I
could have traveler’s Italian down pat.
I’m past that at this point.’’
Busby and her husband, Hank, had
taken a nine-month sabbatical to
Turin in 1998 and 1999.
‘‘I didn’t know the language then,
but I said I’m going to learn before I
go back,’’ Busby said.
During that trip, she walked much
of the city, exploring the museums,
restaurants and shops.
See STEPHENS Page F2

∑

Olympics.
skiing or curling.
Debbie Pentak
and Nancy Busby
the Olympic Village
in Turin.
The two part-time
teachers signed up
for the job more
than two years ago.
STEVE
us for our English,
‘‘My friend
and I aren’t
∑ Information on
teers,’’ Pentak
said.
www.torino2006.org.
Pentak is 54.
Busby would
a few events.
Pentak said.
me.’’
But a volunteer has certain respon-

SUNDAY
JANUARY 29, 2006


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F

TICKET TO WRITE

∑

∑


Olympic Village.

∑

∑

∑

Friends
volunteer
for turn
in Turin

∑

∑
∑

Olympics.
skiing or curling.
Debbie Pentak
and Nancy Busby
the Olympic Village
in Turin.
The two part-time
teachers signed up
for the job more
than two years ago.
STEVE
us for our English,
‘‘My friend
and I aren’t
∑ Information on
teers,’’ Pentak
said.
www.torino2006.org.
Pentak is 54.
Busby would
a few events.
Pentak said.
me.’’

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3) Make a game of it.

With the 126th session of the Ohio legislature only a week old, it’s the perfect time to explain
some fundamentals for new state senators and representatives, and for those needing a refresher course.
Here’s how the game is played: You be the bill. Take turns flipping an Ohio bicentennial quarter.
Heads: Advance 1 space. Tails: Advance 2 spaces. The first player to become a law wins.

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lleonard@dispatch.com | czimkus@dispatch.com

S TA R T
There are two ways to play the game. In this version — for novices —
you are a bill trying to become a law through the textbook legislative
process. The method might sound familiar if you paid attention in
school or during Schoolhouse Rocks.

The standing
committee has
public hearings
about you,
receiving
testimony from
proponents,
opponents and
other interested parties.

Explain a complex
topic in a fun,
interactive way.

Congratulations!
The Rules
Committee likes
you. In fact, it’s
placing you on
the calendar to
be the subject of
debate during a
session of the
House or Senate.
Advance
1 space.

The differences
are worked out
in conference
committee and
you go to the
governor.

∑

Dressing for less
Because of global
trade, Americans are
paying far lower prices
for clothing than they
did 10 years ago | C3

SUNDAY
JANUARY 9, 2005

C

Sorry. The governor
vetoes you. Go back
to START. If 3/5
of both chambers
override the veto, you
become a law.

The Reference Committee sends you to a
standing committee that is best able to deal
with your particular subject. (They include
the agriculture, health and education
committees.)

Committee members thoughtfully
listen to the testimony, weigh it
and make amendments.
Wait 1 turn.

Sorry. The Rules
Committee ruled
against you.
Go back to START
and try again.

Lawmakers pay
keen attention
during debate.
Wait 1 turn.

The House and Senate cannot agree
on your specifics. A joint six-member
conference committee is appointed to
negotiate the points of difference
between the two chambers.
Wait 1 turn.

You begin as an
idea, born in the
mind of legislative
leaders from the
majority political
party. Your success
is assured.
Advance 2 spaces.

Each committee
member considers the
evidence presented
and votes his or her
conscience.

Sorry. They
didn’t think you
were worthy of
becoming a law.
Go back
to START.

The House and
Senate agree:
You should be
a law.
Advance
2 spaces.

Sorry.
The committee
didn’t find
you worthy of
becoming a law.
Go back to START
and try again.

Congratulations!
The committee found
you were worthy of
becoming a law.
Advance 1 space.

Congratulations!
You passed one
chamber of the
Ohio legislature.
Go back
12 spaces to the
other chamber,
where the process
is repeated.

The indecisive
governor lets you sit on
his desk for 10 days.
You become a law
without his signature.
Advance 2 spaces.

By Lee Leonard and Charlie Zimkus

The governor
signs you.
Advance
1 space.

lleonard@dispatch.com | czimkus@dispatch.com

S TA R T

The standing
committee has
public hearings
about you,
receiving
testimony from
proponents,
opponents and
other interested parties.

Congratulations!
The Rules
Committee likes
you. In fact, it’s
placing you on
the calendar to
be the subject of
debate during a
session of the
House or Senate.
Advance
1 space.

The differences
are worked out
in conference
committee and
you go to the
governor.

Sorry. The governor
vetoes you. Go back
to START. If 3/5
of both chambers
override the veto, you
become a law.

The Reference Committee sends you to a
standing committee that is best able to deal
with your particular subject. (They include
the agriculture, health and education
committees.)

Committee members thoughtfully
listen to the testimony, weigh it
and make amendments.
Wait 1 turn.

Lawmakers pay
keen attention
during debate.
Wait 1 turn.

The full
legislative
body votes
on you.

The House and Senate cannot agree
on your specifics. A joint six-member
conference committee is appointed to
negotiate the points of difference
between the two chambers.
Wait 1 turn.

You begin as an
idea, born in the
mind of legislative
leaders from the
majority political
party. Your success
is assured.
Advance 2 spaces.

Each committee
member considers the
evidence presented
and votes his or her
conscience.

Sorry.
The committee
didn’t find
you worthy of
becoming a law.
Go back to START
and try again.

The legislative
leaders are in a
hurry. Advance
7 spaces after
one perfunctory
You are a
hearing.
bill popular with
Columbus lobbyists.
The standing committee chairman waits
to schedule your
hearing for the day
of several fundraisers held by
You’re sent to the
important comRules Committee, where the
mittee members,
speaker or president makes out a
thus providing an
calendar and asks the committee
incentive for
members to ratify it.
lobbyists to
attend the
fund-raisers.
Wait 2 turns.

Congratulations!
The committee found
you were worthy of
becoming a law.
Advance 1 space.

Sorry. They
didn’t think you
were worthy of
becoming a law.
Go back
to START.

Congratulations!
You passed one
chamber of the
Ohio legislature.
Go back
12 spaces to the
other chamber,
where the process
is repeated.

The House and
Senate agree:
You should be
a law.
Advance
2 spaces.

FINISH

The House and
Senate agree:
You should be a law.
Advance 4 spaces.

The House and
Senate cannot
agree on your
specifics. A joint
six-member conference committee is
appointed to negotiate the points of
difference between
the chambers.
Wait 1 turn.

The timid governor
doesn’t support you, but
he’s afraid the legislature would
override his veto. He lets you sit on
his desk for 10 days and become a
law without his signature.
Advance 2 spaces.

The postponement
lasts until late in the
evening, when leadership
hopes lazy reporters have
called it a night.
Wait 2 turns.

The full
legislative body
votes on the bill.

The conference
committee negotiates more than
the points of difference and sticks
in items not previously discussed.
Advance 1 space.

01/09

Debate is
dragged out by
the windy orations
of sleep-inducing
solons.
Wait 1 turn.

You’re an
important bill, so
lawmakers pay
keen attention
during debate.

You’re a typical bill,
so most lawmakers
talk to each other,
operate laptops,
go to the members’
lounge and talk on
their cell phones.
They already know
how they’re going to
vote without listening, although sometimes they have to
ask, ‘‘What are we
voting on?’’

You arrive on
the governor’s
desk.

A majority
member moves to
“lay the amendment on the
table,’’ killing it without a recorded vote on its
substance. Those opposing a good
amendment can do so without being
on record against something
constructive.

Minority
members
propose
amendments, too.
Advance
1 space.

INSIGHT, PAGE C1

You’re
a law!

The governor
signs you.
Advance
1 space.

Majority legislators
amend something onto
you that they forgot,
like another bill that
couldn’t get passed
on its own.

Some lawmakers miss
the roll call, but they’re
allowed to register their
votes with the clerk.

It’s finally time for
your hearing. Committee members
run in and out of
the room, attending
other meetings
scheduled at the
same time.
You’re placed
on the calendar to
be the subject of
Lobbyists hand
debate during a
committee members
session of the
amendments to try
House or Senate.
to change you.

The timid governor
doesn’t support you, but
he’s afraid the legislature would
override his veto. He lets you sit on
his desk for 10 days and become a
law without his signature.
Advance 2 spaces.

A couple of knowledgeable committee
members meet with party leadership
— and sometimes with lobbyists — to
rewrite you into a bill that will pass and
make everybody equally mad.

Debate is limited
by the speaker
or president.
Advance
2 spaces.

You are a
bill popular with
Columbus lobbyists.
The standing committee chairman waits
to schedule your
hearing for the day
of several fundraisers held by
You’re sent to the
important comRules Committee, where the
mittee members,
speaker or president makes out a
thus providing an
calendar and asks the committee
incentive for
members to ratify it.
lobbyists to
attend the
fund-raisers.
Wait 2 turns.

FINISH

Good news!
The party leadership gently informs
members that unless they
follow the leader by voting
for you, they can expect
no help in the next
campaign.
Advance 1 space.

Sorry. The governor vetoes you.
Go back to
START. If 3/5 of
both chambers
override the
veto, you become
a law.

Congratulations! You
passed one chamber of the Ohio
legislature. Go back 21 spaces
to the other chamber, where the
process is repeated.

The conference
committee works out
a settlement before the
conferees ever meet.
Advance 2 spaces.

The Reference Committee
refers you to a ‘‘stacked’’
standing committee that will
pass or kill you based on
the wishes of the speaker or
Senate president.

You are handed
to a freshman
legislator who has
just won a tough
race costing the
party hundreds of
thousands of dollars. If the freshman gets you
passed into law,
he or she will
have an accomplishment to take
into the next
campaign.

The committee
votes on you, with
each member taking into consideration whether it will
help or hurt at the
next election.

Lobbyists hand
committee members
amendments to try
to change you.

Party leadership
postpones your
debate until after
the dinner hour,
so fund-raisers
can proceed.
Wait 1 turn.

The governor
signs you.
Advance
1 space.

The governor
signs you.
Advance
1 space.

The Legislative
Service Commission,
the staff attorneys
for the House and
Senate, draft you
into bill form.

It’s finally time for
your hearing. Committee members
run in and out of
the room, attending
other meetings
scheduled at the
same time.

You’re placed
on the calendar to
be the subject of
debate during a
session of the
House or Senate.

The indecisive
governor lets you sit on
his desk for 10 days.
You become a law
without his signature.
Advance 2 spaces.

You’re
a law!

In the ReaL WoRL
R
In the real worldd
There are two ways to play the game. In this version — for advanced
players — you are a bill trying to become a law through Ohio’s legislative process as it really happens. The method might sound familiar if
you pay attention to the news or during The West Wing.

You begin as an idea, born in the mind of a
legislator from the minority political party.
Your defeat is probable. If you are very
good, however, you will be kidnapped by
the majority and passed under its name.
Otherwise, wait for the next election year.

The Legislative Service
Commission, the staff
attorneys for the House
and Senate, draft you
into bill form.

You are sent to the
Rules Committee, which
carefully considers whether
to schedule you for a vote
of the full House or Senate.

Sorry. The Rules
Committee ruled
against you.
Go back to START
and try again.

S TA R T

You begin as an
idea, born in the
mind of one of
Ohio’s 99 lawmakers in the House or
33 in the Senate.

In textbooks
There are two ways to play the game. In this version — for novices —
you are a bill trying to become a law through the textbook legislative
process. The method might sound familiar if you paid attention in
school or during Schoolhouse Rocks.

The legislative
leaders are in a
hurry. Advance
7 spaces after
one perfunctory
hearing.

Party leadership
postpones your
debate until after
the dinner hour,
so fund-raisers
can proceed.
Wait 1 turn.

How a bill (really) becomes a law
With the 126th session of the Ohio legislature only a week old, it’s the perfect time to explain
some fundamentals for new state senators and representatives, and for those needing a refresher course.
Here’s how the game is played: You be the bill. Take turns flipping an Ohio bicentennial quarter.
Heads: Advance 1 space. Tails: Advance 2 spaces. The first player to become a law wins.

The House and
Senate agree:
You should be a law.
Advance 4 spaces.

The House and
Senate cannot
agree on your
specifics. A joint
six-member conference committee is
appointed to negotiate the points of

In the ReaL WoRL
R
In the real worldd
There are two ways to play the game. In this version — for advanced
players — you are a bill trying to become a law through Ohio’s legislative process as it really happens. The method might sound familiar if
you pay attention to the news or during The West Wing.

You begin as an idea, born in the mind of a
legislator from the minority political party.
Your defeat is probable. If you are very
good, however, you will be kidnapped by
the majority and passed under its name.
Otherwise, wait for the next election year.

The Legislative Service
Commission, the staff
attorneys for the House
and Senate, draft you
into bill form.

You are sent to the
Rules Committee, which
carefully considers whether
to schedule you for a vote
of the full House or Senate.

The full
legislative
body votes
on you.

S TA R T

You begin as an
idea, born in the
mind of one of
Ohio’s 99 lawmakers in the House or
33 in the Senate.

In textbooks

The postponement
lasts until late in the
evening, when leadership
hopes lazy reporters have
called it a night.
Wait 2 turns.

The Legislative
Service Commission,
the staff attorneys
for the House and
Senate, draft you
into bill form.

The Reference Committee
refers you to a ‘‘stacked’’
standing committee that will
pass or kill you based on
the wishes of the speaker or
Senate president.

Good news!
The party leadership gently informs
members that unless they
follow the leader by voting
for you, they can expect
no help in the next
campaign.
Advance 1 space.

The committee
votes on you, with
each member taking into consideration whether it will
help or hurt at the
next election.

A couple of knowledgeable committee
members meet with party leadership
— and sometimes with lobbyists — to
rewrite you into a bill that will pass and
make everybody equally mad.

Debate is limited
by the speaker
or president.
Advance
2 spaces.

The full
legislative body
votes on the bill.

You arrive on
the governor’s
desk.

A majority
member moves to
“lay the amendment on the
table,’’ killing it without a recorded vote on its

Debate is
dragged out by
the windy orations
of sleep-inducing
solons.
Wait 1 turn.

You’re an
important bill, so
lawmakers pay
keen attention
during debate.

You’re a typical bill,
so most lawmakers
talk to each other,
operate laptops,
go to the members’
lounge and talk on
their cell phones.
They already know
how they’re going to
vote without listening, although sometimes they have to
ask, ‘‘What are we
voting on?’’

Sorry. The governor vetoes you.
Go back to
START. If 3/5 of
both chambers
override the
veto, you become
a law.

Congratulations! You
passed one chamber of the Ohio
legislature. Go back 21 spaces
to the other chamber, where the
process is repeated.

You are handed
to a freshman
legislator who has
just won a tough
race costing the
party hundreds of
thousands of dollars. If the freshman gets you
passed into law,
he or she will
have an accomplishment to take
into the next
campaign.

Minority

Majority legislators
amend something onto

Some lawmakers miss
the roll call, but they’re
allowed to register their
votes with the clerk.

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NAME THAT CANDIDATE

(

Sound it out, then say it faster
Story and illustrations by Charlie Zimkus

With the Ohio presidential primary just more than three months away, dedicated (and slowlearning) Flip Side readers should start their homework now. π Eight major candidates from each
political party are vying for attention. π Which means plenty of evaded questions, estranged
children and $400 haircuts. π So the least that voters can do is learn their names. π Today, The
Flip Side — calling everyone “dude” since 2004 — offers a collection of pictograms to help voters
remember those monikers. π Decipher each one to guess the candidate. π Then start namedropping — quickly — before candidates in the field of 16 start dropping out.
czimkus@dispatch.com

)

REPUBLICANS

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Make the
readers work
a little, and
reward them
for it.
PubDate: 11-27-07

BREAKING NEWS: DISPATCH.COM

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: DISPATCH.COM

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2007

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THE

SIDE

FLIP

(

Sound it out, then say it faster
Story and illustrations by Charlie Zimkus

With the Ohio presidential primary just more than three months away, dedicated (and slowlearning) Flip Side readers should start their homework now. π Eight major candidates from each
political party are vying for attention. π Which means plenty of evaded questions, estranged
children and $400 haircuts. π So the least that voters can do is learn their names. π Today, The
Flip Side — calling everyone “dude” since 2004 — offers a collection of pictograms to help voters
remember those monikers. π Decipher each one to guess the candidate. π Then start namedropping — quickly — before candidates in the field of 16 start dropping out.
czimkus@dispatch.com

)

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TRANSLATIONS
1. Barack Obama; 2. Hillary Clinton; 3. Dennis Kucinich; 4. Bill Richardson;
5. John Edwards; 6. Chris Dodd; 7. Joe Biden; 8. Mike Gravel; 9. Mike Huckabee;
10. Rudolph Giuliani; 11. Duncan Hunter; 12. Tom Tancredo; 13. John McCain;
14. Ron Paul; 15. Mitt Romney; 16. Fred Thompson; 17. Joe Blundo

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PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

Today’s birthdays

Despite sabotaged gown,
beauty queen wins crown

HOW TO REACH US
FLIP SIDE EDITOR

Steve Berry...............614-461-8536
sberry@dispatch.com
- We welcome your comments,
complaints and kudos.
E-mail .......theflipside@dispatch.com
Fax ...........................614-559-1754
Mail: The Flip Side, The Dispatch
34 S. 3rd St.
Columbus, OH 43215
The Flip Side: on the tip of your
tongue.

59 ,James Avery, actor
(The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air)
52 ,Bill Nye, TV host
(Bill Nye, the Science Guy)
51 ,William Fichtner, actor (Prison
Break)
50 ,Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg
39 ,Michael Vartan, actor (Big
Shots)
31 ,Jaleel White, actor (Family
Matters)

Organizers are investigating who
doused Ingrid Marie Rivera’s
evening gown with pepper spray
and spiked her makeup, causing
her to break out in hives. Despite
the prank, Rivera beat 29 rivals to
become Puerto Rico’s 2008 Miss
Universe contestant. She was composed while appearing before
judges. But once backstage, she
had to strip off her clothes and
apply ice bags to her face and body.

Is Dennis a menace?

RICARDO DIAZ SERRANO ASSOCIATED PRESS

Sara Robinson, a former manager at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las
Vegas, has sued Dennis Rodman,
claiming that the ex-NBA star
assaulted her in March 2006 by
rubbing against her and slapping
her buttocks.

Look out, Star and Rosie
Barbara Walters announced
yesterday on The View that she has

Beauty among the beasts: pageant
winner Ingrid Marie Rivera, right

(Fla.) Times reporter who called
him for comment. “I’m kind of
shocked,” Hogan was quoted as
saying. “You caught me off guard.”

ON THE WEB
- To pop off about today’s
People column, visit Dispatch.com/
flipside and click on Popping Off.

Man of Steel seals deal
Superman Returns star Brandon
Routh tied the knot with longtime
girlfriend Courtney Ford on
Saturday in Santa Barbara, Calif.

Love note
Paul McCartney and actress
Rosanna Arquette are an item,
according to Britain’s News of the
World.

+

Stork report
Zac Hanson, the youngest of the
Hanson trio, and his wife, Kate, are
expecting their first child in May.

finished her memoirs after 11⁄2 years
at the keyboard, TV Guide reports.
Could be a lost cause
Fake story du jour
Lost star Daniel Dae Kim, the
From the Onion Radio News:
Hulk is ready to sulk
third cast member to get busted for
“Civil War Enthusiasts Burn
allegedly mixing an open bottle
Atlanta to Ground”
Hulk Hogan’s wife of 24 years,
with an open road, has pleaded not
Linda Marie Bollea, has filed for
— Compiled by Steve Berry
divorce — a fact the wrestler appar- guilty to a charge of driving under
the influence.
sberry@dispatch.com
ently learned from a St. Petersburg

11-27-07

TRANSLATIONS
1. Barack Obama; 2. Hillary Clinton; 3. Dennis Kucinich; 4. Bill Richardson;
5. John Edwards; 6. Chris Dodd; 7. Joe Biden; 8. Mike Gravel; 9. Mike Huckabee;
10. Rudolph Giuliani; 11. Duncan Hunter; 12. Tom Tancredo; 13. John McCain;
14. Ron Paul; 15. Mitt Romney; 16. Fred Thompson; 17. Joe Blundo

PAGE D8

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS

Today’s birthdays

Despite sabotaged gown,

59 ,James Avery, actor

ON THE WEB
- To pop off about today’s
People column, visit Dispatch.com/

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GOH!

User: sberry

- Attend a different kind of dance
party Saturday at Skully’s Music
Diner, 1151 N. High St. The dance
group Anatomical Scenario will
perform “Anna and the Annadroids,” in which our skimpily clad
heroines “go on a journey of being
programmed and reprogrammed to
shop, despite their various
attempts to rebel toward freedom.”
The fun, supported by a Greater
Columbus Arts Council grant, will
begin at 10 p.m. Call 614-2918856.
- Dateless on Valentine’s Day? Go
solo or with a wingman/woman to
the Bitter Ball on Wednesday at
Karma, 303 S. Front St. Live entertainment, prizes and other bitter
singles will help drown the sorrows
of missing another opportunity to
make Hallmark rich. The party,
hosted by WBNS (97.1 FM), will
FLIP
Little recalls
run from 8 to 11 p.m. For more
youthful glow
like snow
details, visit www.wbnsfm.com.
— Nick Chordas
nchordas@dispatch.com
Time: 02/07 21:10

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THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2007

WWW.DISPATCH.COM

RANDOM THOUGHTS

THE

SIDE

Each Thursday, The Flip Side brings
you Get Outta the House! — advice
on what to do, see and experience.

“Anna and the Annadroids”

- Attend a different kind of dance
party Saturday at Skully’s Music
Diner, 1151 N. High St. The dance
group Anatomical Scenario will
perform “Anna and the Annadroids,” in which our skimpily clad
heroines “go on a journey of being
programmed and reprogrammed to
shop, despite their various
attempts to rebel toward freedom.”
The fun, supported by a Greater
Columbus Arts Council grant, will
begin at 10 p.m. Call 614-2918856.
- Dateless on Valentine’s Day? Go
solo or with a wingman/woman to
the Bitter Ball on Wednesday at
Karma, 303 S. Front St. Live entertainment, prizes and other bitter
singles will help drown the sorrows
of missing another opportunity to
make Hallmark rich. The party,
hosted by WBNS (97.1 FM), will
run from 8 to 11 p.m. For more
details, visit www.wbnsfm.com.
— Nick Chordas
nchordas@dispatch.com

a.

b.

a.

Kevin
Costner

b.

a.

Billy
Joel

DATE OR
DAUGHTER?
When a beautiful young woman is on the arm
of an aging star, people wonder
By Kristy Eckert ,THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

a.

b.

On a personal mission two months
ago, Richard Townsend, 24, of
Britain ate 36 brussels sprouts in
one minute — falling seven short of
the world record. His training involved eating a plate of brussels
sprouts every day for six weeks.
— Chuck Shepherd
Universal Press Syndicate

a.

Larry
King

As snow blanketed city sidewalks this
week, I grabbed my gray hooded sweat
shirt and ran out the office door with
the intent of creating my own two-hour
delay.
I felt the familiar crunch of accumulation beneath my
feet, the sting of
snowflakes blowing
in my face.
I walked west on
Broad Street looking
to catch a Flexible
Flyer to childhood.
Nothing makes
me feel young again
like snowfall.
Not skimming my
TOM
senior yearbook. Not
REED
watching ESPN
Classic. Not listening
to Cheap Trick’s Live at Budokan.
I feel like playing street hockey and
calling old neighbors to re-enact the
1950 Ohio State-Michigan football
game. I aspire to build a snow fort the
size of the Statehouse.
That’s what it meant to grow up in
my neighborhood 30 years before Xbox
enabled kids to snowboard without,
you know, actually going outdoors.
Adults see the white stuff and are
consumed with negative thoughts:
shoveling driveways, juggling schedules, negotiating freeways as icy and
tightly packed as snowballs.
Children see accumulation as a blank
canvas, a snow day filled with rosy
cheeks and endless possibilities.
Despite indoor amenities, there’s still
something magical about trudging up a
hill — noses running, lungs burning —
and hopping on a sled.
I hope that kids never lose their
fascination with winter, although I
suspect they have.
A year ago, I found myself in Switzerland on a holiday after the Winter
Olympics. I don’t ski, but I rented a sled
for $40 and made two terrifying passes
down a course in the Alps.
I wiped out repeatedly, once nearly
toppling a group of skiing tots. Soaked,
sore and satisfied, I retired to the lodge
and returned to reality.
This region will never be confused
with the Snowbelt, much less the Alps.
That’s why Tuesday was such a treat —
save for the snow-challenged drivers.
My two-hour delay lasted little more
than 30 minutes — just long enough to
numb fingers, toes and the dread of
being an adult trapped in a snowstorm.

NEWS OF THE WEIRD
a.

b.

e’ve all seen them — the silver-haired men
with the fresh-faced blondes by their sides.
We estimate the age difference and whisper
the question: Daughter or date? 0 It’s one that could
be asked about many famous men. And today, The
Flip Side is doing it: Can you distinguish between the
daughters and the current or one-time lovers?

Rod
Stewart

b.

b.

Paul
McCartney

ADDING UP
17.7
30%
95%
59%
42%

b.

a.

Howard
Stern

billion pounds of milk
squeezed out of U.S.
dairy cows in 2005

surge in the price of a
dozen roses in the
days preceding Valentine’s Day
workers who procrastinate occasionally
commuters who have
experienced road rage

nonretired American
adults who expect to
lower their lifestyles in retirement
Sources: BusinessWeek, Maxim, Money,
Putnam Investments, SmartMoney

PEOPLE IN THE NEWS
Teri’s not merry
about Internet dish

HOW TO REACH US
FLIP SIDE EDITOR

Steve Berry...............614-461-8536
sberry@dispatch.com
- We welcome your comments,
complaints and kudos.
E-mail .......theflipside@dispatch.com
Fax ...........................614-559-1754
Mail: The Flip Side, The Dispatch
34 S. 3rd St.
Columbus, OH 43215
The Flip Side: We’ve always been
mama’s boys.

Teri Hatcher knows what has
been written about her on the
Internet, and she’s setting the
record
straight: “I
don’t use
Botox or
Restylane,
and I’ve never
had any surgery, no matter what
you’ve read.”
Hatcher, 42,
Teri Hatcher:
told the BritShe’s real, and
ish edition of
she’s fantastic.
Glamour for
its March
issue: “That’s the one downside
to fame: On any one day you
can find loads of hideously
mean things said about you
online. My friend keeps threatening to put these computer
child locks on my computer so
I can’t torture myself.”

Mischa not wowed
by nekkid Cisco Kid
Cisco Adler and Mischa

b.

Donald
Trump

Barton are still together,
according to Adler’s rep, despite
reports that the actress
dumped her rocker beau over a
nude photo of him that
surfaced last month. But that’s
not to say that Barton, 21, was
thrilled when the picture
emerged on the Web site
ParisExposed.com. “Mischa
wasn’t too excited, to say the
least,” Adler, 28, told the New
York Observer for yesterday’s
edition. “So, yeah, I’m going to
try to keep my pants on from
now on.” The photo was
among Paris Hilton’s personal
items sold at auction from a
storage unit.

Mandy Moore says
the more the merrier
Mandy Moore could hardly
be considered overweight, but
she says that working in Hollywood made her feel bad about
her size. “I want to be healthy,
but, in an industry where you
can’t wear a sample size because it’s like a zero or a 2, it
makes you feel bad about yourself,” the singer and actress, 22,
told Seventeen for its March
issue. “I’m not like a toothpick,
and I never will be. I’m just a

Color:C
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ANSWERS
Kevin Costner, 52
a. wife Christine
Baumgartner, 32
b. daughter, 20
Hugh Hefner, 80
a. daughter
Christie, 54
b. girlfriend
Holly Madison, 27
Billy Joel, 57
a. daughter
Alexa Ray, 21
b. wife Katie Lee, 26
Larry King, 73
a. wife Shawn
Southwick, 47
b. daughter
Chaia, 39

WWW.DISPATCH.COM

Paul McCartney, 65
a. estranged wife
Heather Mills, 39
b. daughter
Stella, 35
Rod Stewart, 62
a. fiancee Penny
Lancaster, 35
b. daughter
Kimberly, 27
Howard Stern, 53
a. daughter Emily, 23
b. girlfriend
Beth Ostrosky, 34
Donald Trump, 61
a. wife Melania, 36
b. daughter
Ivanka, 25

Today’s birthdays
75 ,John Williams, composer
and conductor
67 ,Ted Koppel, former ABC
News anchorman
66 ,Nick Nolte, actor (Hotel
Rwanda)
65 ,Robert Klein, comedian
54 ,Mary Steenburgen, actress
(Joan of Arcadia)
52 ,John Grisham, author
39 ,Gary Coleman, actor
(Diff’rent Strokes)

regular-looking person, and
that’s OK. It’s taken awhile to
come to grips with that since,
it’s not the norm in my business. But, like, who cares?”

Love stories
Drew Barrymore, who
hosted Saturday Night Live this
past weekend, and Scrubs star
Zach Braff “were very into each
other” at the SNL after-party at
club Sapa, the New York Post
reports. A rep for Barrymore,
who split from Strokes drum-

SPEED BUMP

mer Fabrizio Moretti several
weeks ago, says they are just
friends.
Model Isaac Cohen —
Britney Spears’ steady of two
months and her first post-KFed notch — confirms for OK!
magazine that he and the pop
tart “are no longer an item.”
Married . . . With Children’s
David Faustino has filed for
Mischa
Barton:
She stands
by her
naked
man.

b.

a.

Hugh
Hefner

b.

Billy
Joel

DATE OR
DAUGHTER?
When a beautiful young woman is on the arm
of an aging star, people wonder
By Kristy Eckert ,THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

a.

W

e’ve all seen them — the silver-haired men
with the fresh-faced blondes by their sides.
We estimate the age difference and whisper
the question: Daughter or date? 0 It’s one that could
be asked about many famous men. And today, The
Flip Side is doing it: Can you distinguish between the
daughters and the current or one-time lovers?

b.

Rod
Stewart

keckert@dispatch.com

a.

b.

a.

b.

Larry
King

Tom Reed is a Dispatch reporter.
treed@dispatch.com

a.

a.

Kevin
Costner

On a personal mission two months
ago, Richard Townsend, 24, of
Britain ate 36 brussels sprouts in
one minute — falling seven short of
the world record. His training involved eating a plate of brussels
sprouts every day for six weeks.
— Chuck Shepherd
Universal Press Syndicate

keckert@dispatch.com

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

FLIP
a.

b.

Hugh
Hefner

W

Broadsheet

RANDOM THOUGHTS

- Go early and stay late tonight at
the Rumba Cafe, 2507 Summit St.
The Spikedrivers will take the stage
at 6, followed at 9:30 by Canta
Brasil. A $5 cover will buy you the
right to see both, leaving plenty of
cash for a round or three of icy-cool
caipirinhas. Just saying. For more
information, call 614-268-1841.

GOH!

Size:

THE

Each Thursday, The Flip Side brings
you Get Outta the House! — advice
on what to do, see and experience.

C8

- Go early and stay late tonight at
the Rumba Cafe, 2507 Summit St.
The Spikedrivers will take the stage
at 6, followed at 9:30 by Canta
Brasil. A $5 cover will buy you the
right to see both, leaving plenty of
cash for a round or three of icy-cool
caipirinhas. Just saying. For more
information, call 614-268-1841.

Time: 02/07 21:10

THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2007

“Anna and the Annadroids”

Section: Life

User: sberry

C8

A quiz lets
readers test their
knowledge and
come to their own
conclusions.
PubDate: 02-08-07

Edition: 1 Replate:

SIDE

n
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Section: Life

DAVE COVERLY

Paul
McCartney

divorce from his wife of two
years, Andrea. They have no
children.
“No, we’re never getting
married,” Jim Carrey told
Access Hollywood of his
romance with Jenny McCarthy.
“But that means we’re never
getting divorced — which is
fantastic.”

Are they back in tandem?
Lance Armstrong and Sheryl
Crow got together recently and
are so friendly that some are
predicting they’ll start dating
again, Star magazine says.

Little recalls
youthful glow
like snow
As snow blanketed city sidewalks this
week, I grabbed my gray hooded sweat
shirt and ran out the office door with
the intent of creating my own two-hour
delay.
I felt the familiar crunch of accumulation beneath my
feet, the sting of
snowflakes blowing
in my face.
I walked west on
Broad Street looking
to catch a Flexible
Flyer to childhood.
Nothing makes
me feel young again
like snowfall.
Not skimming my
TOM
senior yearbook. Not
REED
watching ESPN
Classic. Not listening
to Cheap Trick’s Live at Budokan.
I feel like playing street hockey and
calling old neighbors to re-enact the
1950 Ohio State-Michigan football
game. I aspire to build a snow fort the
size of the Statehouse.
That’s what it meant to grow up in
my neighborhood 30 years before Xbox
enabled kids to snowboard without,
you know, actually going outdoors.
Adults see the white stuff and are
consumed with negative thoughts:
shoveling driveways, juggling schedules, negotiating freeways as icy and
tightly packed as snowballs.
Children see accumulation as a blank
canvas, a snow day filled with rosy
cheeks and endless possibilities.
Despite indoor amenities, there’s still
something magical about trudging up a
hill — noses running, lungs burning —
and hopping on a sled.
I hope that kids never lose their
fascination with winter, although I
suspect they have.
A year ago, I found myself in Switzerland on a holiday after the Winter
Olympics. I don’t ski, but I rented a sled
for $40 and made two terrifying passes
down a course in the Alps.
I wiped out repeatedly, once nearly
toppling a group of skiing tots. Soaked,
sore and satisfied, I retired to the lodge
and returned to reality.
This region will never be confused
with the Snowbelt, much less the Alps.
That’s why Tuesday was such a treat —
save for the snow-challenged drivers.
My two-hour delay lasted little more
than 30 minutes — just long enough to
numb fingers, toes and the dread of
being an adult trapped in a snowstorm.
Tom Reed is a Dispatch reporter.
treed@dispatch.com

Late-night host fires
missiles at astronaut
Infamous astronaut Lisa
Nowak was the subject of the
Top Ten list on Late Show With
David Letterman. As a cautionary tale, Dave counted down
the “Top Ten Signs an Astronaut Is Trying To Kill You.” Our
favorites: “She promises to
‘take you out like Pluto,’ ” “She
poisons your Tang” and “She
keeps stabbing you with a pen
that writes upside down.”
— Compiled by Steve Berry
sberry@dispatch.com

WEATHER CLOSINGS AND DELAYS: James Thurber High School: Closed . . . Jym Ganahl Middle School: Closed . . . St. Bernard School: One-hour delay. Students are reminded to wear casks of brandy around necks . . .
Bob Ney Middle School: Closed for rehabilitation . . . School of Old Codgers: No bus transportation. Students must walk barefoot, 3 miles, uphill . . . New Albany School for the Poor: Closed until someone poor moves in . . .
Pickerington Procrastinators: Two-week delay . . . Iraq War Optimists: Closed because both members quit . . . Global Warming Believers: Postponed until temperatures climb above freezing . . .

02-08-07

PAGE C8

a.

b.

a.

b.

ANSWERS
Kevin Costner, 52
a. wife Christine
Baumgartner, 32
b. daughter, 20

Paul McCartney, 65
a. estranged wife
Heather Mills, 39
b. daughter

SPEED BUMP

DAVE COVERLY

n
:Desig mile
ith a S
w

4) Get others to play along.

white T-shirt and blends
into the sleeves of the
red shirt.
- Make an arrow out of
construction paper,
poster board or wood to
hold in one hand.

n
:Desig mile
ith a S
w

2) EMERALD ASH
BORER

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Find a plastic mixing
bowl that fits your head.
- Make large eyes out of
black construction paper
or felt, and stick them to
the bowl.
- Use strips of construction paper or felt for the
antennae; bend them at
their base to make them
stand up. Attach them to
the bowl with duct tape.
- The rest of the costume consists of an old
towel with a hole cut in it
for your head, a pair of
wings made of poster
board and a few twigs to
hold as an appetizer.

Page: 1 D

Edition: 1 Replate:

jblundo@dispatch.com

2

User: jbrinksn

5) KATE GOSSELIN

4

If you can’t avoid her —
and you can’t — you
might as well imitate her.
It says something about
her ubiquity that suggesting her presence
takes only a few wellplaced strands of hair
and a clutch of dolls. (If
a friend wants to go as
future ex-husband Jon,
simply split the babies
and snarl at each other
from across the room.)
To top off the look, be
sure to carry some dirty
laundry to air.

5

Color:C
K
Y
M

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Buy a mop head made
of cotton yarn.
- Put it on someone’s
head, unless you have a
mannequin handy.
- Trim it to mimic the
signature Gosselin hairdo — an asymmetrical,
long-hair-over-one-eye
cut with a pouf of shorter
hair at the back.
- Add sunglasses, a
large purse and eight
dolls.

D
LIFEARTS SLOT MACHINE
3)
SATURDAY
OCTOBER 24, 2009

A salvo for Soupy

Coming Monday

VOLUMINOUS VAMPIRES

Online

FILM REVIEW: ‘AMELIA’

You’ll be sure to attract

Television loses a true star ,D3

Is there a pop-culture glut?

Dispatch.com/reeltalk

attention not to menA COSTUMEtrigger—an Issue 3
tion PARTY

1) 401(K)
After months of frightening charts featuring only
downward arrows, we’re
finally starting to see
some upward movement
in our retirement accounts.
This costume has the
situation covered no
matter what the stock
market does: Simply
change the position of
your arms to reflect how
rich or poor you are at
the moment.

Five timely do-it-yourself ideas
for Halloween get-ups

that the box can be
slipped over your head.
- Cover the box with
white paper.
- Using construction
paper, markers and
crayons, decorate the
box to suggest a slot
machine. (Three squares
with fruit in them get the
idea across.)
- Complete the look with
a red stocking cap.

debate — when you show

1

By Joe Blundo | THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH

up
S dressed as a one-

ure, you could buy a Kate Gosselin costume for Halloween. ¶ But, hey, we’ve suffered a recession: Let’s get creative. ¶ Today, we present five costumes you can make
at home. Granted, they might require a quick trip to the
store; but you’re still likely to save money. ¶ In dreaming up the
suggestions, we sought to go beyond the obvious pop-culture
candidates (but we couldn’t pass up Gosselin, of the all-too-real
Jon Kate Plus 8). ¶ We used children as our models because,
well, they’re adorable. But we know that these costumes are
more fitting for adults. ¶ How many youngsters, after all, want to
trick-or-treat as a slot machine?

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Pair a short-sleeved
white T-shirt with a
long-sleeved red shirt.
- Use red duct tape to
form a squiggle that runs
across the front of the
white T-shirt and blends
into the sleeves of the
red shirt.
- Make an arrow out of
construction paper,
poster board or wood to
hold in one hand.

jblundo@dispatch.com

You’ll certainly look
sharp in this costume.
And, given the long wait
for the real H1N1 flu
vaccine, you might just
find people lining up for
your services. Be sure to
charge a co-pay!
Beware of excessive
imbibing while in costume. Should you pass
out, you might wake up
in a biomedical waste
bin.

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- For the syringe, find a
plastic trash can large
enough to slide over your
head and shoulders.
- Remove the bottom
and cut two holes in the
side for your arms.
- Cover the can with
white paper and make
syringe gradations with
black tape or a marker.
- Add a bottom rim
made of poster board or
construction paper.
- For the needle, stick a
dowel into the narrow
end of a funnel.
- Attach string that can
be tied under your chin
as with a hat.

3

If you want to masquerade as something that
threatens peace of mind,
a certain bug is more
eye-catching than either
traffic circles or the Penn
State Nittany Lions.
Keep in mind, however,
that the borer isn’t
exactly beloved in some
newly barren neighborhoods.
Your party hosts might
express their dislike by
serving you a plate of
firewood.
HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Find a plastic mixing
bowl that fits your head.
- Make large eyes out of
black construction paper
or felt, and stick them to
the bowl.
- Use strips of construction paper or felt for the
antennae; bend them at
their base to make them
stand up. Attach them to
the bowl with duct tape.
- The rest of the costume consists of an old
towel with a hole cut in it
for your head, a pair of
wings made of poster
board and a few twigs to
hold as an appetizer.

4) FLU SHOT

armed bandit.
Whether you offer a
payout is up to you.
A caution: For now,
casino gambling remains
illegal in Ohio. (Don’t get
yourself confiscated by
the authorities.)

2

2) EMERALD ASH
BORER

5) KATE GOSSELIN

If you can’t avoid her —
and you can’t — you
might as well imitate her.
It says something about
her ubiquity that suggesting her presence
takes only a few wellplaced strands of hair
and a clutch of dolls. (If
a friend wants to go as
future ex-husband Jon,
simply split the babies
and snarl at each other
from across the room.)
To top off the look, be
sure to carry some dirty
laundry to air.

5

4

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Find a large box.
- Cut a hole in the top
for your head and a
smaller SPEAKING VOLUMESin the side
hole
for one arm.
From front porch, world glides past
- Remove the bottom so

You’ll be sure to attract
attention — not to mention trigger an Issue 3
debate — when you show
up dressed as a onearmed bandit.
Whether you offer a
payout is up to you.
A caution: For now,
casino gambling remains
illegal in Ohio. (Don’t get
yourself confiscated by
the authorities.)

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Buy a mop head made
of cotton yarn.
- Put it on someone’s
head, unless you have a
mannequin handy.
- Trim it to mimic the
signature Gosselin hairdo — an asymmetrical,
long-hair-over-one-eye
cut with a pouf of shorter
hair at the back.
- Add sunglasses, a
large purse and eight
dolls.

HOW TO MAKE IT:
- Find a large box.
- Cut a hole in the top
for your head and a
smaller hole in the side
for one arm.
- Remove the bottom so

Dispatch artists Charlie
Zimkus, Patrick Kastner and
Lea Delaveris contributed to
this effort.
Special thanks to our young
models: 1. Amelia Weiker
2. Sophie Minister 3. Sylvia
Rinderle 4. Daniel Kastner
5. Eleanor Weiker.

3) SLOT MACHINE

Dispatch artists Charlie
Zimkus, Patrick Kastner and
Lea Delaveris contributed to
this effort.
Special thanks to our young
models: 1. Amelia Weiker
2. Sophie Minister 3. Sylvia
Rinderle 4. Daniel Kastner
5. Eleanor Weiker.

JONATHAN QUILTER DISPATCH PHOTOS

First Person is a weekly forum for personal musings
and reflections from readers.

Once a month, we check in on the
supply and demand at the Columbus
Metropolitan Library:

FIRST PERSON

TOP BUYS FOR NOVEMBER

Not long ago, I saw an advertisement for a retro glider in a flier
from a do-it-yourself chain.
It reminded me of the old red
glider that graced the front porch
of my grandparents’ house in
Circleville.
In warm weather, my grandparents sat on the porch to watch
the cars go by on busy Main Street.
Grandpa sat in his chair and
Grandma on the glider, their radio
tuned to a nearby station.
As a kid in the 1960s and ’70s, I
found the news boring. (I certainly
didn’t care that Mrs. Sue Robson

won best
arrangement at
the flower exhibition or that the
AP had pork
chops on sale for
29 cents a
pound.) And the
music was more
CINDY
easy-listening
than rock ’n’ roll.
KIENER
Still, my grandparents tuned in daily, quite happy
with their selection.
The porch was bordered on two
sides by wide white rails, the old

wooden floor freshly painted a
high-gloss gray. The bushes in
front were low enough to allow for
an unobstructed view of the street
and of passers-by on the sidewalk.
Grandma and Grandpa often
welcomed company on the porch.
Family and friends indulged in
lively conversation and alwaysfresh coffee. The kids were treated
regularly to Archway oatmeal
cookies and glasses of milk.
When I grew old enough to
drink coffee, I still had to have a
See FIRST PERSON Page D2

10-24-09

1. The Lacuna, Barbara Kingsolver
2. Under the Dome, Stephen King
3. I, Alex Cross, James Patterson
4. Breathless, Dean Koontz
5. Going Rogue: An American Life,
Sarah Palin

RESERVES ON THE RISE
1. My Life in France, Julia Child
with Alex Prud’homme
2. That Old Cape Magic, Richard
Russo
3. Spartan Gold: A Fargo Adventure, Clive Cussler with Grant
Blackwood

Beware of excessive
imbibing while in costume. Should you pass
out, you might wake up
in a biomedical waste
bin.
HOW TO MAKE IT:
- For the syringe, find a
plastic trash can large
enough to slide over your
head and shoulders.
- Remove the bottom
and cut two holes in the
side for your arms.
- Cover the can with
white paper and make
syringe gradations with
black tape or a marker.
- Add a bottom rim
made of poster board or
construction paper.
- For the needle, stick a
dowel into the narrow
end of a funnel.
- Attach string that can
be tied under your chin
as with a hat.

3

If you want to masquerade as something that
threatens peace of mind,
a certain bug is more
eye-catching than either
traffic circles or the Penn
State Nittany Lions.
Keep in mind, however,
that the borer isn’t
exactly beloved in some
newly barren neighborhoods.
Your party hosts might
express their dislike by
serving you a plate of
firewood.

Choose the
best way to
execute an
idea. Photos
are often best.
PubDate: 10-24-09

well, they’re adorable. But we know that these costumes are
more fitting for adults. ¶ How many youngsters, after all, want to
trick-or-treat as a slot machine?

4. True Compass, Edward M.
Kennedy
5. The Weight of Silence, Heather
Gudenkauf

NEW SCRAPBOOK TITLES

1. Cut, Crop Die: A Kiki
Lowenstein Scrap-n-Craft Mystery,
Joanna Campbell Slan
2. Hand Lettering: Simple, Creative Styles for Cards, Scrapbooks
More, Marci Donley DeAnn
Singh
3. Joy of Scrapbooking, Lisa
Bearnson
4. ScrapBook Secrets: Shortcuts
Solutions Every Scrapbooker
Needs To Know, Kimber McGray
5. Outstanding Mini Albums:
50 Ideas for Creating Mini Scrapbooks, Jessica Acs

JONATHAN QUILTER DISPATCH PHOTOS

PAGE D1

First Person is a weekly forum for personal musings

n
:Desig mile
ith a S
w

$1.00
TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 2011 :: SECTION E

S

Ohio State’s rabid student section — aptly named “The Nuthouse” — should
have plenty to cheer about this year during the NCAA Tournament. Led by
senior David Lighty, bottom, the Buckeyes are the tournament’s No. 1 overall
seed and will open March Madness on Friday in Cleveland. The students
seem to have a message for OSU opponents: Deal with it.
EC I AL
P

S

N

1
201
E C TIO

Illustrations and
design covers can
be effective, but
whenever possible,
try to incorporate
real people.

DISPATCH PHOTO BY CHRIS RUSSELL

Presented by

OSU outlook: Sunny
The pieces seem to be
in place for a run at the
national title :: 2

Tournament brackets
See who is playing
whom in the men’s and
women’s fields :: 4–5

Regional breakdowns
Players, teams and
potential upsets in the
men’s tournament :: 6–7

$1.00
TUESDAY, MARCH 15, 2011 : : SECTION E

Ohio State’s rabid student section — aptly named “The Nuthouse” — should
have plenty to cheer about this year during the NCAA Tournament. Led by
senior David Lighty, bottom, the Buckeyes are the tournament’s No. 1 overall
seed and will open March Madness on Friday in Cleveland. The students
seem to have a message for OSU opponents: Deal with it.

S

EC I AL
P

1
201
S

N

n
:Desig mile
ith a S
w

E C TIO

DISPATCH PHOTO BY CHRIS RUSSELL

Presented by

OSU outlook: Sunny
The pieces seem to be
in place for a run at the
national title :: 2

Tournament brackets
See who is playing
whom in the men’s and
women’s fields :: 4–5

Regional breakdowns
Players, teams and
potential upsets in the
men’s tournament :: 6–7

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