1. TOT Connolly
AL
Billy
Special edition Six pages on
Scotlands finest export
June 2008 £3.80 Including
An interview with the man
behind the comedian

2. Contents
Total
Cars
Fat Stig test drives the
new jag 6
www.total.com Sport
Euro 2008 special
feature 8
Travel
Euro 2008 travel
feature 14
A guide to Ibiza 16
Politics
Everything you need to
know about the US
elections 19
Comedy
Our Billy Connolly
special 23
Music
A rundown of the
summer festivals 28
The top 8 abums since
the turn of the
century 30
Technology
A guide to online
downloads 33
Stuff to spend your
cash on 34
Six pages on
Health
STDs - avoid them this
the funniest
summer 37
man to come
Q&A
We answer your
out of
question 39
Reviews
Scotland 23
Movies and music 40
TOTAL June 2008 3

3. Editor’s
UWS Publishing Ltd, Room 702,
Almada St building, Hamilton Welcome to the June edi-
tion of Total magazine. This
Letter
month, Total brings you an
Editorial
Tel 01698 428729 Fax 020 6378 6745
E-mail totalletters@uwspublish.com exclusive insight into Scot-
Editor-in-chief Stephanie O’Neill
stephanie.oneill@uwspublish.com land’s most famous son; Billy
Deputy Editor (production) Neil Leslie Connolly. The Big Yin’s for-
mer road manager, Jamie
06/08
neil.leslie@uwspublish.com
Deputy Editor (Features) Kevin Donnachie
kevin.donnachie@uwspublish.com
Wark, gives us the low down
on the tours, the jokes and
Art Editor John MacInnes
john.macinnes@uwspublish.com
Designer Danny Harkins
danny.harkins@uwspublish.com what makes the real Billy
Total.com editor Joe Strummer Connolly tick.
We also feature an in depth profile of the
joe.strummer@uwspublish.com
Picture Desk Joseph Heller
joseph.heller@uwspublish.com
man himself and take you through his
massively successful comedy career and
Editorial Secretary Joan Arc
joan.arc@uwspublish.com
Subscriptions and back issues PO box 44, transition from Scottish folkie to Holly-
wood movie star.
UWS Publishing, Belgrove st, Glasgow, MH4 4TS
Also in the issue, our handy festival guide
Advertising
Tel 02938 356928 Fax 020 8723 3726
E-mail totalads@uwspublish.com has all you need to know on the main
Sales Director Otto Bismark events – T in the Park, Glastonbury,
Download and Reading- and gives you all
otto.bismark@uwspublish.com
Special projects manager Rolo Tomasi
the line ups and ticket prices.
rolo.tomasi@uwspublish.com
In other news, we also cover the US elec-
Online sales manager Kaiser Soze
kaiser.soze@uwspublish.com
Senior sales executive Raoul Duke tions and profile one of the most popular
holiday destinations for Brits – the ulti-
raoul.duke@uwspublish.com
Display sales executive Peter Gibbons
peter.gibbons@uwspublish.com mate chill out island of Ibiza.
Classified sales executive Regi Blinker
regi.blinker@uwpublish.com
Although none of the home nations will be
Commercial director John Papelbon playing in the Euro 2008 finals this year,
john.papelbaun@uwspublish.com
we still reckon it’s the biggest event this
Management summer. Our own Neil Leslie gives you all
Publishing director Sergey Korolyov the team info, tournament history and
who your money should be on, so you
sergey.korolyov@uwspublish.com
Publishing Manager Willie Maley
willie.maley@uwspublish.com can kick back this summer with all
Licensing Director Steve Gutenberg the knowledge you need to enjoy
Euro 2008
steve.gutenberg@uwspublish.com
Group editorial director Stephanie O’Neill
Enjoy the issue
Group design director Neil Leslie
Managing Director Kevin Donnachie
Assistant managing director John MacInnes Stephanie O’Neill Editor
Chairman Danny Harkins
SUBSCRIPTIONS
Save money by subscribing! Call
01698 645893
or e-mail subs@uwspublish.com
US subscriptions:
722 545 543 or e-mail subs@brit.com TOTAL June 2008 5

4. THE LATEST
JAGUAR
X-TYPE
Total’s slightly chubbier
version of the stig test drives the new jag
A
[Words:John MacInnes (Fat Stig)]
Erm... No such luck! Desirable? Come on; this is a Jaguar, al-
But I did drive it around Northern Eng- beit the smallest. I would happily own
lmost fifty miles to the gallon. land for two weeks - primarily in the re- one tomorrow.
Yes, it’s worth stating that again - fifty markably beautiful Lake District, which I And perhaps best of all, the claimed fuel
miles to the gallon! regularly visit on holiday, and therefore economy proved almost as accurate as it
quot;But it's a diesel!quot; you protest, as if that know the twisty, hilly roads intimately. was startling. Even though we spent
should suggest something brought in on And this Jag proved to be better than just much time on the twisting roads and
the bottom of somebody’s shoe. good, even on those very demanding yet mountain passes of the Lake District, we
For those who haven't noticed, however, enjoyable roads. got mid-forties in miles per gallon [mpg]
many of the world’s top car makers have One of the age-old, petty grievances and the car’s UK official combined mpg
been ever more successfully refining about diesel engines has been the warm- is 49.
diesel power over the past two decades, up period needed between turning on the Naturally the car is also available with a
to the point where the perceived differ- ignition and actually starting the engine, choice of petrol engines - 2.0, 2.5 and
ences between petrol and diesel have yet in the X-Type I found - admittedly 3.0 litres, respectively – and is also avail-
now all but disappeared. And the econ- due to my forgetfulness - that this lag has able in an estate car variant.
omy of using diesel fuel speaks for itself. effectively disappeared. Turning the key
In a recent screening of BBC Two’s Top all the way, in one smooth move, almost Appearance
Gear Jeremy Clarkson managed - after always fired up the engine immediately. It doesn’t take a genius to see that both
several attempts - to lap the famous Nür- The car has a claimed 0-60mph time of the X-Type and the slightly larger S-Type
burgring race track in Germany in an X- 9.5 seconds (which comes down to 6.6 are chips off the old block and are imme-
Type Diesel in less than ten minutes. seconds in the 3.0 litre petrol variant) yet diately identifiable as Jaguars even from
Nine minutes fifty nine seconds to be moving off never felt sluggish. The ac- some distance.
precise. And that's not bad considering celeration from a standstill wasn’t ex- It is just as true to add that ever since at
his point that even Ferraris take eight actly what keen drivers might be looking least the 1950’s, the iconic Jaguar has
minutes. But then somebody who per- for, of course, but once the engine been thought of as a very good looking
140mph
haps should be called quot;The Lady of the reaches its power band (the rev range car.
Ringquot; - a young woman who gives the where lots of torque is available) that all Now, perhaps more than ever, mere style
impression that she was born and raised changes in a heartbeat. And as Jeremys’
on the track itself, and who now coaches Nürburgring jaunt undeniably proves,
visiting drivers to lap faster - took the once it is rolling the X-Type diesel cer-
diesel “cat” away from Jeremy and flung tainly has plenty of power.
it round the circuit in an astonishing nine A diesel that’s fun to drive? You'd better
minutes twenty seconds.
So did I get to do my test drive of the X-
believe it.
And comfortable? Yes.
Top speed
Type Diesel at the Nürburgring? Stylish? Yes.
6 June 2008 TOTAL

5. has had to share priorities with fashion, the “A-pillars” on either side of the Apart from the airbags, X-type safety
but that can be said of several top mar- windscreen, are now commonly much features include dynamic stability con-
ques, and Jaguars are now truly among thicker than in years gone by. This, of trol [DSC] to help prevent wheel spin
the best. course, blocks more of the driver’s view and skids, occupancy sensing to regu-
TotalCars
to either side, and this can be particu- late the power of the front airbags, elec-
Interior and Comfort larly important when emerging from a tronic brake-force distribution [EBD],
A very long journey in an X-Type would side street, etc. anti-trap electrical windows, and front
be no hardship. Until such time as transparent, or semi- seatbelt pre-tensioners. Not all of these
The front seats were excellent, and for transparent roof pillars become a reality features are standard on all models so
all except very tall passengers, the rear then there is little that can be done ex- we suggest that anyone purchasing an
seats were very acceptable. cept persuade drivers that they need to X-Type should check carefully to make
There was also plenty of space surround- look more carefully. In this context the sure all of the required systems are fit-
ing the steering wheel (i.e. no stupid arm X-Type provided a reasonably good all- ted to the chosen model.
rests to block full and swift movement round view. According to Euro NCAP (the European
of the driver’s arms if urgent steering crash testing programme), the X-Type
were needed in an emergency). Exterior Lights has an adult occupant protection rating
As one would expect, the headlights of four stars (five stars being the maxi-
Drivability and Handling were very capable, and they gave mum possible) and a pedestrian protec-
Gear selection was crisp and accurate, enough good illumination for twisty tion rating of one star (three stars being
and the very pronounced diesel power country roads at night. the highest level currently achieved by
band made the gearbox great fun to use. other vehicles).
It should also be mentioned though, In the handbook, advice for setting
that the car proved re- the head restraints correctly
markably good for was too sparse. It read:
smooth, precise quot;Adjust the head re-
driving - a style straint so that it is
that befits arriving just behind your head
anywhere in a Jag. and never behind your
Considering that this truly is neck.quot; But given
the budget end of the Jaguar the number of
spectrum, this car had as- people who
tonishingly good balance have been hurt
and handling, so driving the or even
X-Type is exactly what you paralysed
don’t expect from a 2.0-litre diesel - by neck
fun! injuries
On the car we tested, the only control, to which
per se, that I really didn’t like - and this an incor-
is a common fault on many cars - is that As rectly set head re-
activating the horn requires a driver to is now straint contributed, this
press the central boss of the steering very common indeed information is inadequate.
wheel. Given that the very times a horn with cars of European origin, both front
is most urgently needed are inevitably and rear fog lights were fitted. Total Rating
also the very times when a driver should The Jaguar X-type is more than just a
not have to remove a hand from the rim Safety Aspects cheap jag. It may be a knock-off of the
of the steering wheel, this “convenient” This is, of course, the key element in any more expensive models but, for the
positioning is undesirable. Horns should car review, so - in no particular order - price, you get your moneys worth. The
be operable by means of thumb-able but- here goes: X-type is stylish and comfortable. The
tons near the outer edge of each spoke of Crumple zones are part of the front and handling is smooth and allows for an
the steering wheel, but that is unpopular rear structure of the vehicle, and anti-in- easy ride. But, most of all, this is a car
with car makers because that is where trusion bars are built into all four doors. for a person on a budget that doesn’t
they like to fit audio controls, as it is To be fair, though, these are now fea- sacrifice many of the features found on
easier to sell a car on its sound system tures which are found in the majority of the more expensive models. Take it for
and up-market trimmings than it is to do modern vehicles and in truth no vehicle a ride in the Lake District, take it for a
so purely on safety terms. And that’s a without such should ever be contem- ride in any built-up area; this car will be
pity. plated. To a large extent, these are the a pleasure to drive in any environment.
features that crash testing is designed to And it doesn’t look too shabby neither.
View Out assess. Not only is the X-Type an enjoyable
This is, of course, a vital yet often over- The X-Type has front, side (i.e. torso and precise car to drive, the diesel vari-
looked safety factor. protection), and curtain (head protec- ant also proved to be a stunningly eco-
The necessity for modern cars to give tion) airbags fitted as standard. The car nomical option for such a relatively big
good protection in the admittedly rare also had an airbag to cushion the saloon. It certainly passes the quot;I would
event of a saloon car overturning means driver’s knees in the event of a head-on- have onequot; test.
that the support system, and especially collision.
TOTAL June 2008 7

6. TOTAL PREVIEWS
THE BIGGEST
EVENT THIS
SUMMER
T
[Words:Neil Leslie]
his summer’s football feast comes from Austria and Switzerland. The countries that
gave us Mozart and Yodelling will be taken over in June by fans from all over Europe.
For the first time ever there will be no representatives in the tournament from the United
Kingdom.
England were stunned by Croatia at Wembley and the brave group showings from Scot-
land and Northern Ireland were not enough to see them qualify at the expense of more il-
lustrious opponents.
That is not to say the home nations won’t be represented at the finals, as many as 50,000
fans are expected to travel to the Alpine region for the party atmosphere that surrounds
these great occasions.
With no home nations represented at the tournaments, fans have been reassured by the
BBC and ITV that their coverage of the event won’t suffer. In fact this year’s tournament
will be the most widely covered ever, with the BBC and ITV both screening every single
match live kicking off at 5pm on Saturday June 7th with Switzerland vs. Czech Republic
on the BBC.
If you’re not near a television for the matches then there’s no need to worry. For the first
time ever, the BBC will stream every match online and will also broadcast all their
matches in High Definition format.
The BBC’s Director of Sport Roger Mosey is hopeful of a high viewing figure and an en-
tertaining tournament, he said: “I’m confident this is going to be a great festival of foot-
ball that will attract large audiences.
“There’ll be plenty of familiar faces [from the premiership and SPL] and some great
matches in prospect.”
Cesc Fàbregas
Spain will be hoping
Arsenal’s playmaker will
be on form
8 June 2008 TOTAL

7. Italy? France? Spain?
Who to place your money
TotalSport
on this summer
Fancy a punt on this year’s tournament? Total magazine brings you this comprehensive
preview of all the odds available including top goalscorer and the favourites to win.
Three time champions Germany are the bookies favourite to win it for a fourth time
with a best price of 9/2 online and 4/1 at William Hill.
Ever popular with British punters, perennial underachievers Spain are second favourites,
bookmakers obviously feel that after years of mundane performances, the current crop
of Spaniards have a good shot at glory and with a strikeforce of Liverpool’s Fernando
Torres and Valencia’s David Villa, there are surely many goals to come. Ladbrokes is
the place to go if you want to throw your money behind Spain, offering 7/1 on them
coming out on top in Vienna on the 29th of June.
With Spain tipped to do well by the bookies, Fernando Torres is a tempting choice at
12/1 to finish the tournament as top goalscorer.
Being drawn in the “Group of Death” has hurt the odds of Holland, who are now beng
offered at 12/1 on the high street. The current World Champions and 2000 finalists Italy
and France, who co-incidentally were in the same qualifying group recording one win a
piece, are also available at 7/1 and 9/1 respectively at William Hill.
Defending Champions Greece are again relative outsiders in the tournament but with a
favourable group and the organisation and determination they showed in 2004, the
Greeks may be one for an each way bet at a nifty 25/1 at the major high street outlets.
Conquerors of England in that infamous Wembley display in October, Croatia are
rightly hotly favoured as a real force in the tournament.
Below, we profile the three favourites to win the tournament.
Tournament Record: Germany have won the tournament three
times, first in 1972 then in 1980 and again in 1996.
How they qualified: Germany qualified in second place in
Group D behind the Czech Republic.
Star Player: He may be in and out of the Chelsea side, but the
dynamic Michael Ballack is always on form for Germany.
Odds: 4/1 (Ladbrokes).
Tournament Record: Spain has won the tournament only
once, when they hosted it back in 1964.
How they qualified: Spain won the hotly contested Group F
with 28 points, surviving a scare from Northern Ireland.
Star Player: Fernando Torres. The 24 year old Liverpool
striker has an impressive scoring ratio for his country with 15
goals in 46 appearances.
Odds: Odds: 6/1 (Ladbrokes).
Tournament Record: The Italians have a solitary victory in
the Championships, winning it on home soil in 1968.
How they qualified:: Italy qualified in first place in Group B
after fending off a strong challenge from Scotland.
Star Player: World Player of the Year in 2006, Fabio Can-
navaro is the rock at the heart of the miserly Italian defence.
Odds: 7/1 (William Hill).
TOTAL June 2008 9

8. Group A P W D L F A Pts Group B P W D L F A Pts
Euro2008 Wallchart
Group C P W D L F A Pts Group D P W D L F A Pts
Quarter Finals Trix and Flix, the
Euro 2008
Winner group A mascots
Semi - Finals
Runner-Up group B
Winner group B
Final 2008
The new Henri
Delaunay trophy.
Runner-Up group A The marble plinth
from the old trophy
Winner group C has been removed
and the names of
the winners are now
engraved on the
back
Runner-Up group D
Winner group D
Official match ball
The Europass ball is produced by
Adidas. It has 14 panels and the same construction as the
Runner-Up group C 2006 World Cup Teamgeist ball but with a modified surface

9. YODELING TO EURO
2008 A guide to two stunning cities
and the stadiums you can insult them in
[Words:John MacInnes]
Zurich
Z urich is the largest of the Swiss
cities lying on the northern shores of The city is split by the Limmat river and
there are many quays lining the banks of
Lake Zurich. It is ranked up there in the
both the Limmat and Lake Zurich which
top five most beautiful cities in Europe
have some wonderful pavement cafes – Cityscapes: Downtown Zurich
Getting There
and retains much of its original nineteenth perfect for a stroll and a coffee, take the
century features. time to sit and watch the world pass by.
Zurich is well known as a centre of inter- This is the location where some of the
national European finance with the top most exclusive – and expensive restau- Zurich’s International airport is
five banks headquarters located on the rants can be found. Kloten airport and is the largest
Bahnhofstrasse in downtown Zurich. Zurich’s old town, Alstadt is quite proba- gateway to and from Switzerland. It
Notwithstanding that claim to fame, it has bly one of the most impressive in the is located around nine miles north of
still not lost its intimate, quaint and whole of Switzerland and well worth a the city. It has direct rail and road
slower paced “face”. visit. Zurich has many magnificent parks links.
The city of Zurich is one of the most cul- and gardens and an especially beautiful Zurich has direct rail links with
tured in Europe. It is the home of the botanic garden (Zurich Botanicher Garten Paris, notably the Gare de L’est ex-
avant-garde Dadaist movement, and is der Universität). press service. The trip will take
where James Joyce wrote his novel This city is a shopper’s paradise – perfect around eight hours. There are also
Ulysses. The city’s Museum of Fine Arts for the WAGS. Make sure you take your services via Basel from Paris twice
houses one of Europe’s most extensive credit cards with you because Zürich has daily that take around seven hours.
collections of art from 15th century reli- most of the international luxury labels There are two trains from Munich
gious paintings to the modern art works available in the Bahnhofstrasse. which take around four hours. All
of Salvador Dali and Picasso. For those sightseeing while their partners services stop at the main Haupt-
While possibly being seen as an industri- disappear to the footie, we suggest you bahnhof terminus in downtown
alised area, Zurich has seen a huge influx use the ZurichCARD. This entitles hold- Zurich.
of visitors over the past 20 years and has ers to free travel on the local public trans- From Basel use the main N3 East.
developed its entertainment and nightlife port, free admission to 46 museums, From Geneva, use the N1 northeast
to suit accordingly. It now has over 500 complimentary welcome drinks in certain via Bern where drivers can pick up
bars, nightclubs and discotheques to suit Zurich restaurants and much, much more! the E4 and the E17 eastbound to
all tastes. Zurich. Note: these roads are con-
stantly patrolled by traffic police so
Letzigrund Stadium, Zurich take care. The speed limit is 120
After a year of reconstruction works, km/h on these routes.
Night Life
the Letzigrund Stadium opened on
Friday the 7th of September 2007
and has a capacity for 31,000 fans.
The pitch is surrounded by a running Zurich has one of the liveliest club
track. It is the home to FC Zurich scenes in Europe. Most clubs and
and is the temporary home to bars are located in the Old Town or
Grasshopper-Club Zürich. It will in the former red light district
host three games during Euro 2008; known as Langstrasse. Kaufleuten is
Romania vs France (9th June), Italy the top club, were people dress to
vs Romania (13th June) and France impress and where Madonna and
vs Italy (17th June) Prince were once guests.
14 June 2008 TOTAL

10. Vienna
V
Getting There
The Vienna International airport is
TotalTravel
Vienna excels in its choice of famous coffee located approx 15 miles southeast
ienna is commonly described as Eu- shops or traditional wine taverns, known as of the city. It is the main European
rope’s cultural capital with a charm and vi- “Heurige’s”. For eateries there is, as one air hub, although American carriers
brancy all its own. It is located on the might expect from a city of culture, a huge will need a transfer in either the UK
banks of the Danube and plays host to mil- choice of styles to match all pockets. From or Germany. Taxis are an ex-
lions of visitors every year. Vienna, it is the ubiquitous McDonalds or Pizza Hut to tremely expensive transfer method.
said, is a dream city for anybody with a ro- five star award-winning restaurants, it’s got We suggest you use the bus service
mantic bent or for lovers of history. the lot. that interconnects with both tram
It has a vast array and choice of cultural at- If you tire of the high street shops then and subway services at the main
tractions, and certainly far too many to go check out the Naschmarkt flea market lo- Wien Mitte/Landstrasse rail termi-
into detail here, however, some are defi- cated in Linke Wienzeile and open from nus in the city. Buses run every 20
nitely worthy of a brief mention. 6am-4pm Saturdays. Here, if you dig minutes from 5.30am until mid-
Schonbrunn Castle with its 1441 rooms was around enough, you may find a little treas- night and cost around £3.50.
Vienna is a major rail junction with
four main stations allowing links to
all principal cities and towns in
Austria. There are regular daily
services to Munich, Paris, Zurich &
Milan. Travelling by train in Aus-
tria is a fast, cheap and efficient op-
tion. UK travellers using the
Chunnel link can travel London to
Paris in under three hours and con-
tinue to Vienna using the fast Le
Shuttle service.
Vienna can also be easily reached
Volksgarten: One of Viennas many garden parks which are popular with tourists by car from the main Autobahnen.
The main highway from the west is
the summer residence of the Imperial fam- ure to take back home. the A1 from Munich, Salzburg and
ily. It is listed as a UNESCO cultural her- The summer in Vienna is usually warm. Linz. Autobahn A2 comes in from
itage building. This is the location where During the Euro 2008 tournament, in June, the south – Graz and Klagenfurt.
Mozart performed his first royal concert in the weather will often be moderate and The A4 runs in off the east and in-
1762. sunny with a light summer breeze. There terconnects with the E-58 from
Albertina Museum is regarded as being one are some hot days where it reaches 34 de- Prague. The A22 services traffic
of the world’s most important art museums. grees Celsius, but overall, summer in Vi- from the northwest while route E-
It houses an extremely exclusive – and, said enna is pleasant. 10 services the cities and towns of
by some, as one of the finest collections of If you have had enough of shopping, foot- southeastern Austria and Hungary.
soft pornography available, made famous ball and culture we suggest you chill out in
by Klimt.
The Vienna State Opera was one of the
an area known as ‘the Old Danube’. Sur-
rounded by gardens, this park area has Night Life
world’s first operas and hosts many opening woodland, waterside walks, sunbathing ter- Think of Vienna and you may well
evenings for top artistes, including Wagner, races, water sports, boat hire, windsurfing think of classical music, theatre and
Mozart, Rossini, Strauss & Puccini. Guided and Vienna’s only water park, the “Ganse- opera houses. But while the city
tours are available daily throughout this haufel”. does have one of the finest opera
magnificent building. houses in the world, the Staatsoper,
it also has a number of popular
Ernst Happel Stadium, clubs and bars. The Palmenhaus
Vienna club in the 1st District occupies one
The location where the next Euro- of the most attractive locations in
pean champions will be deter- Vienna and has a relaxed laid back
mined on 29 June 2008. The atmosphere while Aux Gazelles in
stadium, which has capacity for the 6th District is one of the few
approximately 49,000 fans, has clubs to enforce a dress code.
been awarded with a five star sta- If bars are more your kind of thing
tus by the UEFA committee. It then the A bar Shabu in the 2nd
will host 3 Euro 2008 group B District is the place to be. Outfitted
games, 2 quarter finals, a semi in a 70’s retro design the bar offers
final and the final on the 29th of a relaxed atmosphere and soothing
June music.
TOTAL JUNE 2008 15

11. SUN,
Space, Ibiza’s most
well known
nightclub
SAND
AND
SANGRIA
Totals reviews known as the Balearics located in the of the Ibiza nightlife and are extremely
Ibiza, one of
Mediterranean. Within easy reach of the popular with the 18-30 crowd who are
UK, it’s a short hop and many budget air- only here for the one reason – clubbing
the best
line carriers now travel this route. Don’t to some of the best music in Europe.
expect budget prices in the high season Like many other holiday destinations,
though as demand outstrips supply. Ibiza has a theft problem ranging from
holiday
On the island high season starts in June pickpockets to opportunist beach thieves.
and runs through to September. From Use common sense at all times, try to
destinations
October until May it’s much quieter sim- stay in a group, leave someone on the
ply because the nightlife shuts up shop. beach to look after all the belongings.
in the world
For those holidaymakers wanting less of Consider taking less cash and use the is-
the hustle and bustle of high season, then lands numerous ‘hole in the wall’ facili-
go in September. It’s still hot enough to ties or use travellers cheques.
T
be enjoyable, the clubs are still open – Healthcare in Ibiza is both modern and of
[Words:Kevin Donnachie] just – but nothing’s as busy as it is in a good standard – you may just need it.
high season. The island sees its fair share of injuries
Obviously the hardened clubber
would never consider going at
he white isle of decadence and sin any other time than July & Au-
– a term generously applied to Ibiza, the gust when the island and all its at-
island of fun. This is where the tourists tractions are at their peak.
party hard all night – and then some. Holidaying in Ibiza is not cheap!
If you’re looking for sun sex and sand, Entry to the main clubs can cost
not necessarily in that order, then look no as much as £45 – yes that’s per
further. Ibiza’s the place to be. night! Once you’ve paid your
This stereotypical image however is not way in you will need to budget
altogether deserved. Ibiza is a beautiful around £8-£10 per drink.
island with sandy beaches, warm tropical The majority of tourists stay in
waters, unbelievable sunsets and delight- Ibiza town itself or in the next The Pacha nightclub,
ful inland villages. largest town of San Antonio. were queues can be 2
Ibiza is one of the groups of islands Both of these are at the very heart hours long
16 June 2008 TOTAL

12. its “Judgment Sundays” hosted by Judge
Jules. This club is fast becoming a chal-
lenger to Space’s top spot.
For those who prefer house music then
TotalTravel
Pacha is a popular choice, and is the host
to David Guetta’s “fuck me I’m famous”
night. It also features some of the
biggest names in house music such as
Eric Morillo and Roger Sanchez. Pacha
is to many the best nightclub on the is-
land. If you intend visiting then get there
early or prepare to be disappointed –
there are sometimes queues of over 2
hours waiting to get in.
Arguably the biggest clubbing night on
the island is “Cream” hosted in Amnesia.
For those unsure of the time, you’ll know
when the sun comes up as it floods the
dancefloor through the glass roof. Am-
nesia also attracts some of the biggest
An Ibiza sunset names in trance music including Eddie
Halliwell, Paul Van Dyk and Tiesto.
from motorcycle and scooter accidents, Space is arguably Ibiza’s most well This nightclub holds the Guinness book
heatstroke, and alcohol related problems. known nightclub having previously been of records award for the largest capacity
Don’t try to be cool and get the best tan, voted the worlds best in the Dancestar nightclub – 10,000 patrons can cram it
use higher factor sunscreens at all times, awards. It is famous for its all day par- full, which happens regularly in high sea-
if you’re hiring mopeds etc, make sure ties with doors opening at 8am. The son!
you use the helmets provided and cover busiest party is the “we love space Sun- There are many other smaller venues
up well. We shouldn’t need to say it, but days” which lasts a mammoth 22 hour such as DC-10, Es Paradis, and privilege
every year there are plenty of drink re- session. If you’re a hardcore clubber then which are all well worth a visit.
lated accidents so don’t drink and drive. Space is the place to be. This may be set In conclusion it’s true to say that Ibiza is
There’s a lot more to Ibiza than its famed to change however as this year the Ibiza really not the best location for those who
nightlife. These include boat trips authorities are issuing guidelines which want quiet and peace or a family holiday,
around the island and allow you access to state that clubs cannot open until 12 but if your in the 18-30 age bracket, want
areas not normally accessible on foot. noon. to dance all night, sleep all day or soak
Try a caves trip and enjoy the free san- Eden has recently become a hotspot for up the rays, then Ibiza will suit you just
gria provided or access beaches for pri- visitors to Ibiza. The club is famous for fine.
vate barbeques. The Aquamar is Ibiza’s
only water park at Playa d’en Bossa and
is a popular choice of day trip for many
tourists.
The island has literally thousands of
restaurants and cafes. For the most at-
mospheric, try a beachside setting and
watch the spectacular sunsets. There are
eateries to match all budgets from basic
fare to five star quality.
As for bars – where do we start? Well
you could try Café del Mar or Bora Bora,
which are two of the cheapest on the is-
land. With this in mind however, be
aware that they are busy – very busy.
Tourists have to balance the cheaper
drink prices against the fact that it’s so
difficult to get to the bar you might only
be able to get one or two drinks before
leaving for your chosen club.
The club parties in Ibiza are world fa-
mous and the music difficult to beat. It’s
the reason so many clubbers return year
after year.
These nightclubs attract some of the
worlds biggest and best DJ’s who take up
summer residencies on the island. The Eden nightclub
TOTAL June 2008 17

13. McCain, Clinton
and Obama ‘08
Total compares the US elections to our own less
glamorous political system
D
[Danny Harkins Political Editor ]
amn, American politics is excit- are trying to choose their candidate to go got his idealism, Clintons got the experi-
ing! A black guy, a woman and a Viet- up against John McCain, the gung ho Re- ence and McCain’s got a vigilante, “kill
nam vet fighting it out to get their hands publican who was tortured for five years em all and let God sort em out”, kinda
on the largest economy in the world. in a Vietnam prison camp. Barack charm. Hell, his names only three letters
Ding, ding, twelve rounds, a fight to the Obama, the ideological left field candi- away from being John McClane. You
death. That’s how the media’s portraying date, has the lead so far over Hillary know, from Die Hard?
it anyway, and I'm inclined to believe Clinton. Hillary, wife of Bill, is the estab- And while you may not agree with or
lished, experienced Democrat with an 8 even like any of the US candidates, you
them because, hell, it’s not like they’ve
year history in the US senate. The race have to admit, they do have distinctive
ever lied before.
probably won’t be decided until the personalities and policies, unlike our own
Still, the elections really are quite
Democratic National Convention in Au- politicians, who, it has to be said, are in-
thrilling, it seems like the whole of the
gust. credibly boring in comparison. Brown is
UK is captivated by them and it’s still
Obama, Clinton or McCain. They’ve all dire, Cameron’s just a PR man and Nick
only at the primary stage. The Democrats
got their appealing qualities. Obama’s Clegg’s a Liberal Democrat. What ►
TOTAL JUNE 2008 19

14. I wouldn’t give for a politician who, sive policy there is no passion or emotion. believe in, instead of playing to the cen-
when asked his policy on Iran, sings It’s boring. trist voters, they will not only continue
“Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”. In the US, Obama and Clinton are slaugh- to turn off the public, but it will hurt our
That’s what McCain did. And while, ad- tering each other, and they’re on the same democracy. We need politicians with in-
TotalPolitics
mittedly, that’s the scariest thing you’ve team. In Britain, Brown doesn’t want to tegrity, or at least, one who is willing to
probably ever heard, it at least shows the criticise Cameron’s policies too much for tie a fire hose round his waist and jump
guys got a little character. Wouldn’t you fear of isolating conservative voters. If of a roof screaming “Yippee ki yay,
like a leader who doesn’t check every- politicians in the UK don’t start fighting motherfucker!”
thing he says with a PR guy? Someone for an ideology, for policies they actually
with an ideology like Obama, who hasn’t
sold out his principles like Brown has?
Someone who isn’t a Liberal Democrat
Election Statistics: Full analysis
like Nick “never gonna win an election”
Clegg?
of the race for the white house
The US elections are so interesting to us
because our own elections are boring.
And they’re boring because there’s no
choice. No candidate has any divisive
policies because they’re all fighting for
the middle ground. And if there’s no divi-
Clinton delegates 2,024 target
The dates of each cuacus and primary
0 500 1000 1500 2000 2500
Total delegates 1,500
Delegates 1,250
Super delegates 250
Obama delegates 2,024 target
0 500 1000 1500 2000 2500
Total delegates 1,634
Delegates 1,414
Super delegates 220
Candidate Profiles
Barack Obama Democrat possible war with Iran
Has been a vocal opponent of though favours sanctions.
the war in Iraq since the Has an aggressive plan to
The latest Polls start. Dismissed President combat climate change and
Bush’s troop surge and favoured the US ratifying the
wants to withdraw American Kyoto agreement. For gun
McCain Vs Clinton McCain Vs Obama control.
troops. Proposes redeploying
troops from Iraq to John McCain Republican
Afghanistan. Voted for the war in Iraq
Plans on bringing in a system and is a vocal supporter of it.
of universal healthcare. Believes in keeping US
Hilary Clinton Democrat troops in Iraq. Is one of the
Voted for the war in Iraq but few Republicans to support
37% 36% 36% 34% closing down Guantanamo
later changed her position.
Favours a phased with- bay and to voice concern
drawal from Iraq. over possible torture prac-
Has refused to rule out a tices by US interrogators and
intelligence agents.
Associated press/Yahoo poll
TOTAL June 2008 21