Asking unfamiliar, unexpected and unavoidable questions is an effective way of moving coachees forward, says Deni Lyall

1. COACHING FEATURE
Rich questions Asking unfamiliar,
unexpected and
unavoidable questions
in coaching
is an effective way
of moving coachees
forward, says
Deni Lyall
R
ecently, I was running It was unexpected, unfamiliar. expensive wine. For him, expensive
a presentation skills It grabbed my attention and the wine, with its luxurious palette, is a
workshop. We had cogs in my brain whirred into real treat. He knows that if he reg-
spoken about visual, action in an effort to define “a fine ularly drinks expensive wine, this
auditory and kinaes- introduction”, to differentiate it experience will be lost as the tex-
thetic language patterns, and from merely “a good introduction”. ture and taste become the norm.
the use of rich language as a way For me, it has more elegance and It is the concept of the ‘unfa-
of engaging your audience. The standing. Another question sprang miliar’ that I find I apply to my
speeches of Martin Luther King to my mind: “What had made coaching questions, although
are outstanding examples of this. Paul use ‘fine’? What message did I had not realised this. During
One participant, Paul, was natu- he want to convey with its use?” coaching practice sessions, partici-
rally very good at rich language. One thought led to another and pants have remarked how different
He enthralled us all for six min- another, all from the use of one my questions are to their ques-
utes with nothing other than his unfamiliar word. tions. Also, they feel that coachees
words and a copy of the book he respond to my questions with
was recommending. What struck richer, more pertinent answers. It
me most, as I listened avidly, was “Rich questions demand is only now, after Paul’s presenta-
the unfamiliar choice of some of tion, that I feel I can answer their
his words and phrases. rich answers, which are question as to what it is that I am
These leapt out of the presen- doing differently.
tation and grabbed my attention. unfamiliar and sometimes I believe the difference is that
They fascinated me and created
a richer image of what Paul even unexpected” I ask ‘rich’ questions that are
unfamiliar and unexpected. They
was saying, rather than the dull compel people to think, as the
thud of the stale and overused It was a captivating six-minute answers cannot be pulled from the
phrases we have heard so many presentation and the recommend- pile of ‘pat’ answers requiring only
times before. ed book was in my son’s Christmas a moment of thought to deliver.
One phrase in particular stands stocking. I may even read it myself, Rich questions demand rich
out from the rest. It was the although it’s not my usual taste, as answers, which are unfamiliar and
use of the word ‘fine’ instead of I am left curious about whether it sometimes even unexpected. They
‘good’. A single word made such lives up to Paul’s recommendation. require searching thought. They
a difference to my attention, my Picking up on the theme of make and break connections that
thoughts and my engagement. If familiar versus unfamiliar, Martin do not always provide answers, but
Paul had said: “… and this book Seligman, in his book Authentic always provoke thought.
makes a good introduction to the Happiness, talks about how ‘treats’ Coaching is about moving the
sci-fi fantasy genre”, it would have become commonplace and the coachee forward. If, at times, you
glided over my ears without a sec- norm if they are overused. They feel that progress could be quicker
ond thought. However, he chose lose their excitement and the if only you could ask some fine
to say: “… and this book makes a ‘treat’ is lost. He describes how he questions, rich questions maybe
f ine introduction in to the sci-fi still buys reasonably priced wine, useful to you. Sometimes a
fantasy genre” even though he can afford to buy good, thought-provoking ques-
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2. COACHING FEATURE
tion where there is a search for and gain new insights. If you can
an answer, even if no answer is ask the right unexpected question,
found, is worth far more than people can make radical shifts in
questions that can be answered their progress.
without any thought. The The exercise with the picture of
coachee’s subconscious will go on the young/old lady (left) is a good
searching and searching, and a example of this. By positioning the
rich answer bubbles up at a later upfront conversation around ‘old’,
point. participants usually easily see the
There are three main forms of old lady. The scene has been set
rich questions that I use: and people duly respond with the
• Unfamiliar questions with an same train of thought. Sometimes,
unfamiliar word that deserves this blinkered train of thought
understanding and gives refine- needs to be broken. Unexpected
ment to a situation. questions shatter the assump-
• Unexpected questions that jump tions that we are reinforcing in an
out in front of you and turn you are rich and put the emotion back Old woman attempt to gain a new and useful
around to look at things from a into the discussion. or young insight, a way forward.
different perspective. “What concerns do you have?” lady? Therefore, if I have been work-
• Unavoidable questions that take “What really scares you about ing with a coachee and something
you beyond the decision and the this?” goes awry – if there is a dip in
deadline, and force you to look “What did you do well?” energy, a momentary hesitation,
back at the choices you made. “If you were in the audience, which could be the deciding
what was the most impressive moment between giving up and
The unfamiliar question moment?” success – I’ll ask:
Usually, during a thorough conver- Unfamiliar questions are specific “How could this be the best
sation, we almost know the types and, therefore, their answers are thing that could have happened?”
of questions to expect: “What did more tailored and pertinent to A bit of a surprise question for
you do well?”, “What could you the conversation. This can often a number of people, but said with
have done better?” Like Martin save time, as two questions can be the most honest of intentions: to
Seligman’s expensive wine, these replaced by one. enable. My intention with this
questions have become com- “What will make this project question is that it is only at the
monplace and therefore, we don’t successful?” and “Which of these point when you start to think
bother to think about them – we is the most important?” could be about “What can I do now?” or
just assume we know the answers. replaced by: “What three things “How can I move forward?” that
The expected answers! They are are essential for this project to be the conversation is useful and
also generic questions that lead truly successful?” regains momentum.
to generic answers. However, Coachees frequently use meta- Sometimes I work with some-
an unfamiliar question contains phors and analogies when they are one who has a particular person
at least one word that captures talking. These provide easy access who is being less than helpful in a
the attention, demanding to be to unfamiliar words and phrases project. The usual train of thought
deciphered and to have meaning that connect directly to their world is to condemn the person, to look
attached to it. and thinking. Using their words to minimise their impact or even
These questions give rise to an makes for the most successful sideline them. The unexpected
unfamiliar answer, one that has unfamiliar questions. question asks:
been thought through and has dug “How can this person be out-
into the depths of your memory, The unexpected question standingly useful to you?”
making new connections. It leaves The unexpected question does Again, my intention springs
the subconscious to mull and not follow an unworthy train of from the fact that sometimes your
chew over the new possibilities. thought. It catches coachees by worst detractor becomes your
An unfamiliar answer helps the surprise, jumping out in front of greatest advocate if they ‘see the
coachee move forward. them and taking them to a differ- light’. Or that destructive people
The unfamiliar element needs ent viewpoint; giving them a dif- become constructive, once their
to home in on the essence of what ferent angle. You pick them up and energies are channelled in the
is required. It defines what really put them somewhere else. same direction as the project.
will make a difference to the topic It is this shift in perspective that Often, we cannot change the
being explored. These questions causes people to make connections people we want in a project team,
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3. COACHING FEATURE
especially in such a matrix-man- contemplated fully which of the Yet many coachees act as if they
aged world. We can, more easily, alternatives they may prefer or can somehow never reach that
change our view of them, and it is what could be the real decider point. Life will continue and the
amazing how often they recipro- that ensures the success of his fork will remain in the future.
cate and, in turn, change. chosen path. Unavoidable ques- The unavoidable question will not
tions are invaluable for exploring allow you to maintain a position
The unavoidable question these areas before the fork in the of ‘nothing will happen’ or ‘I can
Sometimes, when working with road occurs. procrastinate for ever’. It forces
a coachee, there is going to be a Unavoidable questions usu- you to go beyond the decision, the
point, in the future, when an event ally work in sets of two or more, deadline. It turns you around to
will happen – a fork in the road depending on the number of alter- look back and face up to the deci-
– and one or other of the routes natives. Essentially, they are the sions or choices that you made, for
will have to be taken. actual alternatives that have to be better or for worse.
I rarely find that a coachee has faced up to – the things that are It digs deepest into those
faced up to that decision and actually going to happen. thoughts of “if you really felt you
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4. COACHING FEATURE
couldn’t fail, or if you had 100 per second question, I say with excite-
cent conviction, what would you ment and encouragement. This
do differently?” It allows you to adds to their thinking, as it con-
experience what really will make a nects a feeling to the question.
difference, and have a taste of how Sometimes, the coachee does
each route may feel once taken. not know which option he might
When I use unavoidable ques- like to take. A modified form of
tions, I set these up with the the unavoidable question will be
coachee because they are not as helpful in that case. It is important
succinct as the previous question that each alternative is said with
styles. These questions require a equal tone and clarity so that all
scene-setting introduction which options are fairly weighted.
works best if it truly triggers the
coachee’s feelings as if each choice The first alternative
had actually been made. “Okay, it is Thursday morning
A simple example of where an and you have just put down the
unavoidable question works well phone in your study. You sit back
is in working towards getting in your chair. You’ve just found out
another job. Once you decide to that you didn’t get the job. How
go for it, there will be a fork in does that feel?”
the road – the day you find out
whether you have got the job. If The second alternative
possible, I would ask the coachee “Okay, it is Thursday morning
when they expected to find out and you have just put down the
the result of the interview and phone in your study. You sit back
where he might be when he in your chair. You’ve just found out
receives the news. Then I set that you have got the job. How
the scene, pose the first question does that feel?
and get a response. I set “What have you learned about
the second scene and pose the the options you have in front of
second question. you?”
My intention with unavoid-
The first alternative able questions is to unearth vital
“Okay, it is Thursday morning and actions that will heavily weight
you have just put down the phone the outcome in favour of what the
in your study. You sit back in your coachee wants. So many times I
chair. You’ve just found out that hear people say “I knew I should uncovered, created, debated,
you didn’t get the job. How do you have done…” or “Gosh, I’m really viewed, challenged and progressed.
feel? (Response). Now, what do glad I did… I nearly didn’t do I believe that, just as rich lan-
you really, really wish you’d done?” that.” To enable the most robust guage from a presenter creates an
action plan, it is worth uncovering inspired audience, rich questions
The second alternative these actions before the fork in the from a coach create an inspired
“Okay, it is Thursday morning road, and not leaving them totally coachee. 
and you have just put down the to chance.
phone in your study. You sit back Overall, I find rich questions Acknowledgements
in your chair. Great! You’ve just a useful addition to the more 1 Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive
found out that you have got the standard and fundamental coach- Psychology to Realize Your Potential for
job. How do you feel? (Response). ing questions. If you follow the Lasting Fulfillment, Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D
Now, what are you really, really coachee’s train of thought and ISBN: 978-0-7432-2298-3
glad that you did do?” use their own brand of words and
How the scene-setting element phrases, they will come naturally. Deni Lyall is managing director of Winning
and the questions are delivered Like anything that is rich, if used Performance Associates and special-
can be significant, as I want the excessively they may prove too ises in performance improvement through
coachee to feel the difference in much for the coachee’s appetite. facilitation, coaching, team development
each alternative. In the example Being useful as a coach means and people skills training. She can be
contacted on +44 (0) 7973 273009 or at
above, the first question I deliver providing a stimulating envi- deni@winningperfomance.co.uk
in a flat tone and downbeat. The ronment in which thoughts are
www.trainingjournal.com June 2008 TJ 63