Dr. Bawdy Sex Research

“Who the hell is Dr Bawdy,” you might ask?
Are you one of the few who don’t know who Dr. Bawdy is? After taking a moment to recover
from your embarrassment, read on.

Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT, is an esteemed scientist of human behavior who
mysteriously vanished more than 150 years old, and, after a brief sojourn in the nether — sphere,
suddenly reappeared on earth to share his life’s work with archivist and historian Lawrence
Paros.

Dr. Celestial Bawdy

Dr. Bawdy is here to serve you—to help guide you through the shoals of ignorance surrounding
the issue of sex and enable you to better understand what's happening, sexually speaking in
today’s culture.

Oral sex strengthens the vocal chords, helps to articulate
more clearly, and enlivens conversation.

Source: The Journal of Articulation, April 22, 2012, pp 64-69. “Yodeling in the Gulley:
Unanticipated Benefits,” Study Subjects: 25 Congressional Orators, 25 Hip-Hop Singers, 25
Yentas, 25 ladies singing…and a partridge in a pear tree.

Research Materials and Measurements: Articulation Index, Conversation Quotient, Chatter
algorithm, Sneed’s Tongue length and flexibility index.

Statistically Significant Findings: Those who engage in oral sex 10 or more times weekly show
an increases in vocal timber (Able to go two octaves above what they previously could; a 75%
increase in their use of complete sentences ( both a subject and verb); a reduction in
grammatical errors by 38%. Friendships increased by 22%

Posted on Dr. Bawdy Blog
www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog

Two or more slurpees each day increase penis size.

Source: The 7-Eleven Chronicle, July 17, 2012, pp 324-367, “Drink to me only,” Principal
Investigator: Dr. Apu Nahasapemapedela, Springfield University.

Study Subjects: middle-aged workers from Springfield Nuclear Power Plant and teenagers from
various and sundry hangouts around town. Study site: Kwik-E-Mart.

Study materials: 75 Gallons of Slurpees, assorted flavors, 100 dozen 64 ounce containers.
Study tools: slurpee count-meter, internet porn, yardstick from Ace Hardware, and sordid
backroom.

Statistically Significant Results: Penis size increased 1mm for every 525 64 oz containers
drunk. Note: No variation in size based on flavor.

XTRA: See average international penis size and IQ correlation


Premature ejaculators tend to be procrastinators in other
areas of their life and vice-versa.

Source: The Journal of Delay and Obfuscation, August 25, 2012, pp 234-247. “Coming and
Going,” Dr. Johannes Sturm and Dr. Sigmund Drang, University of Frankfurt mit Relish.

Study subjects: 25 wranglers fast on the draw and 25 office workers with a reputation for delay,
all matched with each other’s wives and girl friends. Women supplied with stop watch and cum-
meter.

All events taped and evaluated by independent third party from Price Waterhouse.

Statistically Significant Results: Desultory and delaying at work, faster active in bed; slower
and more deliberative in bed, faster on task completion on the job.


Paying for sex increases the pleasure.

Source: Street-Walkers Monthly, May 18, 2012, pp 69-69. “The Price is Right.” “Dr. Lucy
Poontang, Perverse U, July28, 2012, Study subjects: 25 ladies of the night, 25 congressmen.

Measurements: Cum quotient, salivary gland secretions, incidence and frequency of ear-
ringing.

Statistically significant result: For every ten dollars spent, men’s sexual pleasure increased
one kumquat (The Journal of Statistics standard for measurement of pleasure)


The larger a woman’s breasts, the greater the likelihood she
is frigid.

Source: The Women’s Sartorial Guide to Sex, June 21, 2012, pp21-25, “A Real Bust?” Dr. Erin
Bazooms, Zaftig U.

Study Subjects: 25 pole dancers and young starlets, 25 middle aged men.

Research tools and measurements: journals, sexual partners’ evaluations, ruler measurements
of penile length and depth of penetration, baking thermometers, moistness quotient of vaginal
area gauged by dew-meters.


Men who stare at women’s breasts score higher on spatial
perception tests and tests of mathematical reasoning.

Source: The Chronicle of Higher Math and Lower Sex, “Here’s Looking at You Kid,” May 22,
2012, pp 327-341. Principal Investigator: Dr. Samuel X. Rhombus, Tumescent State U. Study
subjects: 1,000,267 men under surveillance at 527,600 random locations.

Measurements: the Schwanz psychometric spatial reasoning and Schlong mathematical
reasoning tests. Significant Results: Men afterwards were able to multiply as high as 32C.
Additional Note: Single-blind only. Researchers were unable to find men who did not stare at
women’s breasts.


Men with pigeon-toes are most often circumcised.

Source: Podiatria: The Journal of Foot Fetishism, “Toeing the line vs. the Meanest Cut,” Aug.1,
2012, pp 49-59, Dr. Sterling Arches, Scholl College. Study Subjects: 45 men with pigeon-toes,
45 with chicken-toes.

Research tools: Observation and evaluation by trained mohels from the Jewish Orthodox and
Muslim communities—two independent observations per penis, utilizing a blinding peephole.


Women who shave their pubic area are more frigid than
those who let it grow.

Source: The International Quarterly of Sexual Cosmetology, “Cold Cuts,” May 31, 2012, pp 12-
19, Dr. Renee Merkin and Dr. Rene Merkin, University of Je Ne Sais Quoi. Study Subjects: 25
shaven women, 25 fur bearers. Research tools and measurements: thermometer readings,
journals, volunteer barbers, and sexual partners’ evaluations.


Men who pick their noses masturbate more regularly.

Source: The Journal of Nasal Congestion, July 21, 2012, pp 112-127, “The Nose Knows,” Dr. Heinrich
Putz, University of Schvitzgarten. Study Subjects: fifty inveterate nose-pickers, fifty Kleenex aficionados.
Research tools and measurement: journals, pornography, incidence, number of boogers and pages stuck
together.


Footnote to History

As a professional historian, I have dedicated my life’s work to honoring great figures lost in the
shuffle of time —bringing to the forefront little-known people who have had a profound effect
on our lives and how we see the world. Celestial Bawdy was one such personage.

Lawrence Paros, Authority on Dr. Bawdy

One day in July 1991, I was working on the screenplay for a motion picture based on his life (To
be directed by Ang Lee or Martin Scorsese, with Brad Pitt cast as Celestial), when I heard a
pounding at my front door. I opened it to find an old disheveled figure standing before me
clutching a ream of papers. “I believe you were looking for these,” he said, handing them to me.

“Let me introduce myself,” he said. “I am Sir Celestial Bawdy.”

“How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”

“You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty weird shit, but suck it up
kid. I’m back and here to stay. You have been tapped to be my conduit—to continue my work;
create a platform for my ideas, and spread them far and wide. For my part, I will give you
complete access to my papers, and write a regular advice column, providing you each day with
new and insightful suggestions for humankind. You, in turn, will tweet and blog and do
whatever you people do to get the word out—whatever it takes to spread the gospel of Bawdy far
and wide through those internet tubes—to make it the universal language, teaching others how to
live, thereby elevating all of humankind in the process.”

I agreed. Our destinies are now joined. Our voices are one. That’s the way it is.

Read more

http://www.BawdyLanguage.com/blog
and

Dr. Bawdy Sex Research

Recommandé

Recommandé

Contenu connexe

En vedette

En vedette (20)

Dr. Bawdy Sex Research