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Jan Michelle Filoso
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Joined: December 13, 2009
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Causes Of Bullying: Are Adults Teaching
Children That Bullying Is Acceptable?
By Jan Michelle Filoso
I felt inspired to write this article after being witness to a variety of situations in which I was shocked and
disappointed in how grown adults were conducting themselves. The recent rise in very serious bullying
situations is not an issue to be taken lightly, yet if a closer look is taken at our day-to-day habits and treatment
of humanity as a whole, it is no surprise that bullying is becoming more prominent in our society!
Now, some of the information in this article may be difficult to swallow because the microscope is being
turned around onto ourselves, rather than those that end up in the news day in and day out. It is not easy to
reflect on our own doings and personalities without getting defensive. However, it is only in doing so that we
as a nation can rise above the violence and bullying in our nation and make a difference. So, your ego will
have to sit this one out, and IT MAY NOT LIKE IT, but let your higher self shine through for a moment and
you will start on the path to inner peace and therefore be a part of the change that we all would like to see.
The recent bullying incidents that were reported on the news came as an incredible shock to almost everyone.
The reasons for bullying, however, come down to a few issues:
1. One is bullied for being different - in their looks, the way they dress, who they love, the way they
speak, the activities they enjoy doing, etc.
2. One is bullied because it makes the bully feel better about him or herself.
3. One is bullied because the bully disagrees with something the person has done.
4. One is bullied so that the bully can exert a feeling of power or controlover another being.
Now, if you replace the word "bullied" in the previous sentences, those statements become quite shocking and
you may feel discomfort or even defensiveness come up when asked to answer the following questions:
2. 1. Have you ever teased someone for being different, whether in their looks, clothing, language, accent,
sexual preference, or hobbies?
2. Have you ever interacted with (or ignored!) a person so that you are able to feel better about yourself?
3. Have you ever ganged up on someone because you disagreed with something they did?
4. Have you ever interacted with a person in order to exert a feeling of power or controlover them?
If you are completely honest with yourself, you see each of these scenarios EVERY SINGLE DAY. We
usually think of bullying happening to children during school, but sadly, you have witnessed it among adults as
well. Of course, these scenarios are presented in varying degrees of intensity, but even the slightest interaction,
when it is not coming from a place of integrity and respect, can be considered a form of bullying! Check out
the following list of scenarios which fall into the above categories as a form of bullying:
For Being Different:
Social media teasing
Your very first thought upon seeing or meeting someone new and the action you take because of that
first impression
Where you choose to sit and who you choose to associate with at gatherings
To Feel Better About Yourself:
Talking about people behind their backs
Gossiping
Spreading rumors
Because You Disagree With Them:
Not allowing someone to speak or express their opinion
Making generalizations or stereotypes
The incidents with School Chancellor Cathie Black
To Feel Power Or Control:
Tailgating someone until they change lanes
Aggressive driving
Placing the life of oneself as more important than or above the life of another
*Please let me be very clear here. If someone has done something WRONG or HARMFUL to you, than
confronting them would not be considered bullying - as long as the confrontation comes from a place of
INTEGRITY AND RESPECT. Confronting someone who has wronged you can take place as a conversation.
It does not have to include yelling, screaming, physicalacts of violence or verbal attacks. Emotions may rise
during such a conversation and that is okay, but as mature adults, a resolution can always be reached.
This article is not intended to make us all "pushovers" and that is not the opposite of bullying. It may seem that
in order to avoid partaking in any activity that could be considered a form of bullying would create a spineless
person, incapable of standing up for what they believe in. This is not the case. Standing up for what you
believe in and taking inspired action in order to bring it about is an admirable quality and should be upheld by
more of us. There is a big difference between standing up for what you believe in and bullying people to get
what you want. By standing up for your beliefs, you peacefully express your opinions and the actions taken are
a step toward resolution and progress. In bullying, your actions are simply a way to hurt your competition or
ruin their chances at success. When striving to remove bullying from our society, we will not create
3. generations of uninspired "pushovers", but rather generations of individuals who are able to eloquently express
their opinions, in a way that is respectful of others, while simultaneously participating in effective
communication in a proactive effort to solve problems and move forward. In contrast, our country is at a point
right now where we are unable to enact effective communication that is aimed at problem solving and
therefore are caught in a stand still because we have yet to determine who is right.*
I want to delve further into one of these incidents in particular. The issue with the NYC School Chancellor,
Cathie Black, has left me utterly appalled. I do not live in NYC, so I am not a part of the schoolsystem there. I
am sure there are many issues in the school system that need to be attended to, however that is not my point
here. My point is not even whether this woman was right or wrong in anything she has said or done in her time
as chancellor. I cast no opinion at all. What I am appalled at is the way in which mature adults...parents of
children attending NYC schools...people holding administrative positions in schools throughout the city...have
responded to the various issues. There has been name calling, personalverbal attacks, and condescending
actions that had absolutely no resulting progress other than TRYING TO MAKE HER FEEL BAD SO THE
OTHER CAN FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIM OR HERSELF. Folks...that is bullying!
Here is where I will cast my opinion...all of those people who have resorted to name calling and bashing the
chancellor have lost all of the power of their argument at the moment they resorted to the immature way in
which they are handling this situation. It now becomes an issue of proving oneself; who is right and who is
wrong. The entire school administration has just been turned into proving ground. Instead of being able to
focus on furthering our schools and making progress toward a better schoolsystem overall, the focus is now on
proving someone right...which means someone has to be wrong.
This need to be right is the EGO talking, simply because being wrong would mean failure and to the ego,
failure means DEATH. At first, that statement sounds ridiculous right?! Failure means death? Whatever! But
really take a minute and think about it...admitting that someone else is right and you were wrong, from the
point of view of the ego, means that a small part of him is now dead because it was wrong!
The exact same thing happens in our government all the time. During political elections, instead of advertising
why a candidate should be elected to office, the name of the game has become advertising why the other
candidate should not be elected to office. It is not too uncommon that your vote comes down to who you
dislike the least! Could you imagine if everyday at your job, your co-workers told you AND your boss exactly
why you SHOULD NOT have your job? What kind of an atmosphere would that create? How much negative
energy would be flying around that office?! Well this is exactly the environment that has been created among
our nation's leaders...one full of negative energy and bullies.
The sad part is that this way of behaving is not isolated to government or politicians or schoolchancellors.
Take a look around while you are driving on the road. Better yet, do an experiment (I have done this
experiment NUMEROUS times, and it works without fail.) Drive the speed limit...in the middle lane. (I would
say drive the speed limit in the left hand lane, but chances are you will seriously anger even more people and
could cause even more aggressive driving. So please avoid that. It also works best during busier times of the
day, but again try to avoid rush hour as you cause more harm than the experiment is worth.) As you are driving
the speed limit in the middle lane, notice if cars start to pass you. What side do they pass you on? If they pass
you on the left side, there is usually no interaction. However, if they pass you on the right side, what happens?
Many times, the driver will significantly speed up in order to pass you AND attempt to stare you down as they
pass. How much does that resemble bullying?! Getting angry simply because you are in their way and they
disagree with how slow you are driving, so they speed up and swerve around you so they can stare you down
as if to say "I showed them!"
How has our society become like this? There are so many reasons that have contributed to this increasingly
acceptable way of conduct. Afew that stand out are:
4. 1. Immediate gratification
2. Lack of human interaction
3. The amount and quality of meat that Americans consume and the resulting treatment of animals
With the onset of technology that makes things instantly accessible, patience is far from even being a virtue, it
is a long gone skill that very few people possess anymore. Immediate gratification is expected. We have
forgotten the days when we had to wait for the internet to "dial-up" and it took almost five minutes to get
online, AND the phone line was tied up in the process. We have become ungrateful for the incredible
conveniences that we have at our fingertips. We expect to have what we want, when we want it, if not before.
And if it is a person that is preventing us from getting what we want, then we need to aggressively remove
them from our path in order to continue forward.
Our society has become so fast paced and internet driven, that human touch is nearly unheard of. We are
slowly forgetting to respect all living things, and are increasingly lacking the ability to interact with other
humans in a humane way. Human interaction, and even more so, human touch, is a necessary component of
our well-being. If a person is raised from birth never having been held or hugged, they will not develop
properly - physically, mentally, and emotionally. The touch of another person can make anything feel better, a
bad day seem a little brighter, a cut hurt just a little less. By removing that human interaction from our lives,
we are slowly severing a connection that we cannot live without. It is no wonder we start lashing out the
moment things are not going our way. Furthermore, as we strip our lives of human contact, we become less
able to (and less likely to) communicate effectively face to face. We start to choose indirect communication
(emails, texts, tweets, status updates, etc.) as a means to express ourselves. As a result, when there is a real
problem, instead of approaching the involved parties and resolving the issue, we tend to let it fester and "vent"
about it to our friends...we even change our status to let the world know how we feel. Yet, to come face to face
with the person at the root of our problem remains completely out of the question! Is it a wonder that cyber-
bullying has been on the rise?
This is not an article about vegetarians vs meat eaters. Even though I currently follow a vegetarian diet (well,
technically pescatarian - I do consume fish and express my extreme gratitude each time I do!), I firmly believe
that humans are meant to be omnivores - which means we are meant to eat meat, vegetables, fruits, seeds, nuts
- basically everything! However, the degree to which we eat meat and the quality of our meat supply, in my
opinion, is a large part of why we as a society have become overly aggressive and "meat-headed". The human
body can only process a small amount of protein per sitting. A typical serving of meat is very often twice this
amount, if not significantly more. Everyone is different and needs a different amount of protein for optimal
function, but from a biological perspective we are often demanding more than what our bodies are capable of
doing in terms of digestion and assimilation. In addition, our meat supply is inundated with hormones and
steroids in order to keep the animals alive in downright despicable conditions. Those hormones and steroids
are passed on to us when we consume the meat from these animals. Worse yet, when the meat is cooked,
instead of being killed, some of these hormones and steroids can get warped, so we are getting a slightly
disfigured form of the hormone or steroid. Yum... As if that were not enough, the way we treat the animals in
the process of raising them and slaughtering them for food promotes violence as well. There is no respect for
the life being taken in order to nourish our own bodies. The animal is raised knowing nothing but abuse and
neglect, and very often is subjected to some form of torture as a part of the slaughter. Thankfully, there are
some companies out there that are putting more considerate practices into the treatment of their animals. It is
most definitely a step forward.
At this point, do a quick check in with yourself. How do you feel right now? Did this article bring up some
anger? Frustration? Sadness? Are you feeling defensive? Do not judge these feelings. Just take note of them. I
personally feel a tightness in my chest and gut because it makes me so upset to see human beings treating each
other (and animals) with so much disrespect. We are supposed to use the word "humane" to define a proper,
caring way in which to interact with other beings. Call me crazy, but does that word not come from the word
"human"? Our society is not a good representation of how to treat others humanely at this point.
5. Yet, how does this really all relate to bullying? After all, it was not adults or politicians or the meat industry
who were on the news for bullying their peers (that would just be considered a successfulelection.) The fact is
that children are learning every second of everyday...they are like little learning sponges...absorbing
knowledge from every source with an insatiable appetite. They observe the way adults around them and on TV
interact with each other and learn appropriate ways in which to conduct themselves and treat others.
Children learn from our political elections that the correct way to go about furthering one's growth and
career is to prove why others are incapable of the job. Just prove overall that your opponent is not a
good person!
Children learn from the situation with the schoolchancellor that the correct way to go about getting
what you want is to scream and yell about it. Rather, just berate whoever is responsible for the issue!
Children learn from aggressive driving that they are more important than anyone else on the road. In
fact, forcing others with an aggressive attitude is a proper way of conducting oneself to get where you
need to go...and endangering everyone else in the process is A-okay!
Children learn from animal violence that another life is not as valuable as their own. If they want
something, they can simply kill to get it. And my trusty resource, Criminal Minds, says that animal
violence is the very first step to becoming a sociopathic killer...what does that say about our entire
food industry?!
The moral of the story? A little sugar goes a long way. A great friend of mine told me this once, and it has
stuck with me ever since. Before you get too excited, I do not mean sugar in the form of a cookie. Sugar refers
to the sweetness with which you can conduct yourself and interact with other people. Even in a difficult
situation, if you approach it with a sense of respect for the other people involved, and with integrity as you are
standing up for what is right and important for you, the outcome might surprise you. I feel inclined to share
some examples.
My friend (the wise one who mentioned the sugar statement) and I were traveling for a week-long wellness
education retreat. The morning of our flight ended up not going as planned and we hustled into the airport at
8:15am for a 9:10am international flight. For those of you who may not know, it is required that you arrive at
least 2 hours prior to your flight time to check in and make your way through security. At check in, our printed
tickets would not scan as the tower had already closed check in and was preparing the passengers for take off.
The check in attendant (for whom I wrote a very gracious recommendation email to the airline) even started to
look for alternative flights to put us on. We waited patiently and explained our morning situation. There were
no other flights. She informed us that the only way she could possibly gets us on our scheduled flight would be
if our luggage could be carried on. Did I mention we were packed for a week-long retreat...yoga mats, lotions,
shampoos, etc. We started emptying out all things that contained liquid and squeezing our bags so they could
fit in an overhead compartment. Then the most incredible thing happened. The attendant jumped over the
luggage scale and quietly said, "Keep up." She started sprinting through the airport, with us on her heels, toting
our rolling luggage. We flew through security, removing all necessary footwear and computers (I am happy to
report that even the attendant was required to pass through security). We sprinted up to the gate (of course the
last gate in the concourse) breathless, as they announced that they were closing the doors. If it were not for that
understanding attendant, and our "sugary" attitudes, we never would have gotten on that flight. Could you
imagine if we had thrown a fit at the counter that our tickets would not scan? We would have missed out on the
most amazing trip of our lives!
Another example, and one that might be slightly easier to grasp had to do with my bank. Not too long ago, I
lost my job. I was doing my best to make ends meet, but fell seriously short one month. I thought a payment
was going to come through, but it did not clear in time to pay a bill. I was charged a late fee. Obviously, not
having enough to even pay the bill to begin with, you could imagine my stress when finding out I would have
to come up with the additional fee! I explained my situation (with sugar) to the woman who was helping me at
that moment. The next month, the fee was reversed. Now, please do not go calling all of your banks and credit
card companies and try to weasel out of your next payment...I can only imagine the repercussions I will receive
6. for that! Remember, the key is that your actions must come from a place of respect and integrity. I was not
trying to dodge a payment. I was doing my best but still experiencing serious financial distress and was
reaching out for help. The customer service representative that day was nice enough to grab my hand and
provide the help I needed. I will be forever grateful. Imagine if I had simply started yelling at the woman and
demanding that the charge be taken off! I doubt I would have gotten the same result.
I have so many other instances in which my "sugar" has helped me tremendously. How can a little sugar help
you? The next time you encounter a less than ideal situation, see if you can muster up the ability to approach it
with some sugar. The genuine kindness that you will experience may blow you away. So be kind to one
another, spread some sugar, and let us reverse this bullying epidemic in our nation. After all, this country was
founded on the premise of maintaining open arms and open minds, and we have stood up to many a forces who
have tried to take that away from us. Let us honor that part of our history and strive to once again accept
everyone for who they are with open hearts and open minds. Remember, smiles can be just as contagious as
colds...so pass one along!
Jan Michelle Filoso is an Holistic Health Counselor certified by the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. She also
founded Moving Bodies, Changing Minds, through which she provides one on one and group Holistic Health
Counseling programs. Although Jan addresses many health and weight concerns within her practice, her main
focus is on stress management and digestive disorders.
Jan Michelle is also a Certified Personal/Group Fitness Trainer, Level 2 Reiki Practitioner and Thai Yoga
Practitioner. Her mission is to bring optimal health and wellness to her community, making our country's
current health crisis a thing of the past. Jan Michelle serves the NYC and surrounding areas.
You can visit Jan Michelle's website at http://www.movingbodieschangingminds.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jan_Michelle_Filoso
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