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Pointless: A Commentary on Commencement/Convocation and How Neither One Matters,[object Object],A PowerPoint Presentation By Erin M. Avondet, Graduate of Brigham Young University and Expert on ALL Things Pointless ,[object Object]
How do you graduate?,[object Object],Four and a half years of tuition: around $12,000,[object Object],Cost of buying your books for four and a half years: $4,000-$5,000,[object Object],Total credits earned: 159.5,[object Object],Cost and time to apply for graduation (Yeah, that’s right: We have to apply to graduate. We can’t just say, “Hey, BYU, I have all my credits. I’m done! I’m ready to graduate.” And BYU won’t simply check their records and jovially reply, “Why yes, you are! Here’s a diploma and an official transcript. Go free and conquer the world!”) $15, an hour long interview with a jerk, interviews with all of the counselors in the College of Life Sciences, talk to Connie, the PDBio secretary who is evil (for reals) who takes THREE weeks to find out if an individual is delinquent in any ofherclasses.,[object Object]
How do you graduate? Continued,[object Object],Tutoring, crying, and moping, wishing for alcohol, late night Alias and Robin Hood, hospital visits for hitting one’s head on a toilet, eating processed food, and even living with Psycho!Michelle who, I hope, is happy somewhere else.,[object Object],Finally, that last final whereI ran out of the TESTING CENTERandwasDONE withmyundergraduate work forever.,[object Object]
So Wait…,[object Object],I’ve graduated?  Already?  I don’t have to WALK in order to graduate?  Shut the door!  IS THAT WHAT THIS DIPLOMA MEANS!!!!??? ,[object Object],ERIN MARGARET AVONDET,[object Object],Physiology and Developmental Biology,[object Object]
Things that happen before you walk:,[object Object],Hideous cap, gown and tassel you’ll never use or wear again: $50+.,[object Object],We live 3.5 (or 4 if Mom/Dad is driving). That the one day trip is too long. Gas prices are outrageous.,[object Object],I’ve already walked once.  Remember this?,[object Object]
Graduation
The big day is here…now what?,[object Object],I’ll sit among hundreds of my peers (most of whom I have never met) waiting for my name to be called.  I’ll walk across a stage and shake a few hands, butIwon’t receiveareal diploma.,[object Object],It’s going to take hours and hours.  And it’s going to be sweaty.,[object Object],I have to be there 75 minutes early,[object Object],You guys can’t even find me.  And where in the HECK are you sitting?  Heaven only knows.,[object Object],Who is that speaking?  Some apostle or whatever.  I’m bored already…aren’t you?  Oh WAIT, we have THREE MORE HOURS left.,[object Object]
But really, is crossing a stage to enjoy 2.5 seconds of excitement worthy of my time? So thatIcan smile and wave at your tiny digital camera in front of hundreds of people?,[object Object],Hearing your name butchered, walking across a stage and shaking a few semi-important people’s hands before you get the heck out of there=SO not worth it.,[object Object]
And when it’s all over,[object Object],We’ll slide the tassels to the other side of the cardboard squares on our heads. And when it’s over, we’ll toss those polyester-covered pieces of cardboard into the air, remembering our moms’ warnings to not look up, lest a cardboard corner stabs us in the eye.,[object Object],AGAIN.  SO NOT WORTH IT.,[object Object]
It’s all a little ridiculous. From the tedious application packets to the fake diplomas and silly hats, most of it seems unnecessary.,[object Object],After all, whether you go to college for an education or a really expensive piece of paper, you don’t need to dress like a 12th century academic to prove you got it.,[object Object],All you need to do is wait for the proof to arrive in the mail, which it has.,[object Object],The graduation process is more complicated than it needs to be, and the commencement ceremony is beyond outdated. After four — or more — years of textbooks, papers, exams and projects, graduation should be easy.,[object Object],But it’s not.,[object Object]
Summary,[object Object],Save the money you would have spent on a cap, gown and tassel, and skip commencement altogether.,[object Object],Let’s have a party or go on a vacation instead. Because hey, I’m graduating, and all I should have to do is celebrate.,[object Object],Walking is not my idea of “celebrating.”  You’ll see it again in 4 more years.  And then, I’ll get  a hood.,[object Object]
That’s me…being hooded when I’m a doctor.  When commencement matters.,[object Object]

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