2. Understanding Interpersonal Relationships
Overview
Why we form interpersonal relationships
Characteristics of interpersonal relationships
Communication over the relational lifespan
Intimacy in interpersonal relationships
Self-disclosure in interpersonal relationships
3. Why We Form Relationships
Influences on our choice of relational partners
Appearance – we are attracted to people who we judge to be more
physically attractive
Studies have shown that physical attractiveness is rated as more
important in the earlier stages
People who are ordinary-looking who have good personalities are
rated as more attractive
Similarity – we are more attracted to people who are similar to us
If you have the same interests in career goals, same friends, and
similar beliefs, you are more able to deal with the trivial stuff that
comes up
If you have similar abilities when it comes to communicating, even if
that means that you both have a difficult time talking about emotions
or communicating at all, you are more apt to like each other
4. Why We Form Relationships
Influences on our choice of relational partners continued…
Complementarity – even though birds of a feather flock together, the
opposite is also true
If you have certain skills or characteristics that your partner is
lacking, and they have skills and characteristics that you are
lacking, attraction and relational satisfaction are positive
Keeps the relationship interesting if you can bring “new” stuff to the
relationship
Reciprocal Attraction – we typically like people who like us
This is the self-fulfilling prophecy theory of attraction
The person likes me and finds me attractive; my self-esteem is
bolstered by this person’s feelings, I want to spend more time with
that person.
5. Why We Form Relationships
Influences on our choice of relational partners continued…
Competence – we like to be with people who are at our level of
competence, for the most part…
We like to be with those who have talents and skills that are similar to
ours, and we like them to have at least a few noticeable flaws
However, if you have especially high or low self-esteem, you are more
likely to find “perfect” people more attractive.
The best way to be liked is to be good at what you do, but also admit
your flaws.
Disclosure – appropriate self-disclosure can help build liking
This becomes more important over the course of the relationship
Not all disclosure leads to liking – has to be appropriate for the setting
and the stage of the relationship
• More on this later (Johari Window)
6. Why We Form Relationships
Influences on our choice of relational partners continued…
Proximity – if we are near people, we are more
likely to develop relationships
We can become friends with close neighbors
rather than those who are down the road
People in close proximity may be more
similar to us
Internet provides a “place” for virtual
proximity
Familiarity, on the other hand, can breed
contempt (Dog Whisperer)
7. Why We Stay in Relationships
Influences on our choice of relational partners continued…
Rewards – Costs = Outcome
Aka, The Social Exchange Theory
Develop relationships where you get the biggest gain or reward with
the least costs
Rewards are anything you want, enjoy and you’d be willing to incur
costs to obtain
Costs are things you normally try to avoid, consider unpleasant or
difficult
What are some examples of rewards and costs
in relationships?
When looking at the dark side of relationships, the social exchange
theory can be used to explain why people stay in bad relationships.
How would this work?
8. Why We Stay in Relationships
Equity Theory (Not in Text)
In the US, relationships are developed and maintained when your ratio to
costs and rewards is approximately equal to your partner’s.
Both partners should receive rewards proportional to their costs
If one partner works harder for the relationship than the other, then that
person receives greater rewards than the other
In collectivist cultures:
Principle of equality: each person gets equal rewards, regardless of
individual contribution
Principle of need: each person gets rewards based on need
9. Interpersonal Relationships
Which Theory?
The Big Bang Theory - Penny's Christmas gift to Sheldon
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlhHTdDqoBc
Which theory is in action here?
Equity Theory
10. Characteristics of Interpersonal Relationships
What makes communication interpersonal?
All communication between two people (dyadic) is what is called
contextually interpersonal. Examples?
The impersonal nature of some dyadic exchanges has led communication
scholars to say that it is the quality of the relationship and the dyadic
exchange that make it interpersonal.
An interpersonal relationship exists between two people when they treat
each other as unique, regardless of the situation in which interaction takes
place or the number of people who are present.
Qualitatively interpersonal communication
is relatively scarce. Why?
Takes time and energy.
We couldn’t be “close” with everyone.
11. Characteristics of Interpersonal Relationships
Interpersonal Communication in Mediated Relationships
Can mediated interactions be interpersonal?
Basically, there are a couple of rules of thought:
1. Internet/CMC makes our interactions less
personal, less qualitatively interpersonal.
IE. Collecting “friends” on Facebook.
2. CMC enhances the quantity and the quality
of interpersonal communication.
• Women seem to use CMC more and
have more satisfaction in terms of
staying in touch with friends and family.
• 72% of internet users had
communicated with a relative or family
member in the past day as compared to
61% of nonusers.
12. Characteristics of Interpersonal Relationships
Content and Relational Messages
Content messages:
Focus on the subject being discussed
Relational messages:
Make statements about how the
parties feel toward one another:
• Affinity – Do you like me?
• Respect – Do you admire me?
• Immediacy – Are you interested
and/or attracted to me?
• Control – Do I have the control
here or do you? Are we equals?
Take out the trash example…
13. Characteristics of Interpersonal Relationships
Activity: Content and Relational Messages
Content message: “Can you help me for a minute?”
Relational messages:
Superiority
Helplessness
Aloofness
Sexual desire
Friendliness
Irritation
The Point?
Most relational messages are conveyed via nonverbal messages.
Nonverbal messages are ambiguous, so before jumping to a conclusion
about the “real” meaning of a message, do a perception check.
14. Characteristics of Interpersonal Relationships
Metacommunication
Metacommunication is the term used to describe messages about other
messages
When we talk about our relationship with each other, we are
metacommunicating.
• “It sounds like you are angry at me.”
• “We need to talk.”
• “I really appreciate it when you take out the trash.”
Do you remember John Gottman’s research on interpersonal
relationships that we watched in The Human Face?
• Successful marriages and long-term relationships “do”
metacommunication.
• They deal with relationship issues as if they were “a soccer ball
being kicked back and forth”rather than kicking the relationship
partner when he or she is down…
Let’s review a little information about John Gottman and then take
a listen to some of his findings…
15. Interpersonal Relationships
John Gottman Studies the Masters and the Disasters
John Gottman is one of the top 10 most influential therapists over the
last 30 years. His work in looking at why couples stay together is
groundbreaking.
Basically, he stuck couples in a video lab and recorded them having
arguments. He looked at their nonverbal and verbal messages and their
argument strategies.
What he found was pretty interesting:
It’s not how MUCH you argue, but HOW you argue that predicts a couple’s
chances for staying together.
Let’s take a listen… from minute 2…
17. Interpersonal Relationships
John Gottman’s Study Results
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Criticism – this is when you rip someone down, are critical of them as a
person, and bring up past grievances by gunnysacking
Defensiveness – perhaps you know that the criticism is valid, but you
don’t want to admit it. You may say it’s not your fault
or you may want to tell the other person how it is his or
her fault.
Stonewalling – withdrawing from the conversation, shutting down –
often do this to try to calm down, but it is interpreted as
a self- removal from the discussion.
Contempt – sarcasm or mockery, calling names, degrading the other
18. Interpersonal Conflict Management
John Gottman’s Study of HOW We Argue
Out of the 4 horsemen, Contempt is the number 1 indicator of
marital disaster and divorce. It actually is an indicator of physical
health – if you are the recipient of contempt, your
health, statistically, is in jeopardy!
Even people who didn’t engage the four horsemen got
divorced. Why?
They had nothing at all!
No emotional display, no teasing, no fun, no play, no fighting.
They didn’t support the relationship in any way.
If you remember nothing else about his research, remember this: The
difference between divorce and a positive long-term relationship is very
simple – satisfied couples maintain a five-to-one ratio of positive to
negative interactions in their relationship.
19. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Trying to explain how relationships work
The Big Bang Theory - The Friendship Algorithm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0xgjUhEG3U&feature=related
Do you use a friendship algorithm in your relationships with others?
20. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model
This is a developmental model used to look at intimate and close friendship
relationships (model on page 205).
“Rules” for moving through the stages in Mark Knapp’s Relationship Model:
You can exit at any stage
Some exit at the same stage every time
You can go backwards!
There is no defined amount of time people stay within a certain stage. It
differs for each relationship
You can skip stages
21. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model – Coming Together
5 Stages of coming together:
1. Initiating –
Brief, small talk to get to know one another and decide whether you
want to get to know him/her
Your schemata are activated
You are managing your identities
Your Presenting Self is Shown
You use social distance – What is this?
• 4 to 12 feet distance
This stage is very short, sometimes as short as 10-15 seconds. In this
stage, interactants are concerned with making favorable impressions on
each other. They may use standard greetings or observe each other's
appearance or mannerisms. This is often where we use the short,
Fresh Prince: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NH4BJ9B1lrw
22. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model
5 Stages of coming together:
2. Experimenting–
We decide whether we want
to pursue the relationship
Small talk takes place in order to do 4 things:
• Uncover topics and opening for future conversations
• Act as an audition for a future relationship
• Safe act of revealing who you are (Uncertainty Reduction)
• Maintain a sense of community
Butterfly Stage
Personal Distance
• 1-1/2 – 4 ft.
In this next stage, individuals ask questions of each other in order to
gain information about them and decide if they wish to continue the
relationship. Many relationships progress no further than this point.
23. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model
5 Stages of coming together:
3. Intensifying–
Increase the amount of contact, expressing how they feel about one
another
Social Penetration Theory – Depth/Breadth (pg. 217 or slides 40-42)
Disclosure Increases
Start to meet the other’s friends and family
Intimacy becomes part of the relationship – Intimate Distance
Stage Doesn’t Last Long – one either exits because euphoria is
subsiding or they quickly move onto the next stage
Self-disclosure becomes more common
in the intensifying stage. The relationship
becomes less formal, the interactants
begin to see each other as individuals,
and statements are made about the level
of commitment each has to the relationship.
24. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model
5 Stages of coming together:
4. Integrating–
They become a “couple” in everyone else’s eyes
Develop their own language
Deeper sense of obligation (we expect more of each other)
Both people want to do everything right at this stage, however the
perceived self has emerged.
Social obligations are made on behalf of both
Deeper disclosure
The individuals become a pair in the integrating stage. They begin to do
things together and, importantly, others come to see them as a pair. A
shared relational identity starts to form in this stage.
25. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model
5 Stages of coming together:
5. Bonding–
Make a public declaration of their
relationship either through
engagement, marriage or moving in
together, resulting in (hopefully) social
support for the relationship
This is a critical period in a relationship
Show that spiritually and officially they are
bonded.
This form of bonding can be used to
describe a business relationship such a
business partnership or fraternity initiation
During the bonding stage, a formal, sometimes legal, announcement of the
relationship is made. Examples include a marriage, "best friend" ritual, or
business partnership agreement. Few relationships reach this level.
26. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model – Coming Apart
5 Stages of Coming Apart:
6. Differentiating–
You are an established couple, but feel the need to establish “me”
distinctions.
Some “you” language emerges.
You might need some time away to establish your individualism.
You may “The Honeymoon is Over,” “Welcome to Reality”
Realistic stage, but both people must remain committed.
In families, when children become adults and need to establish their
own identities.
In this stage, partners begin to stress the "me" instead of the "we." In other
words, the individuals begin to assert their independence. They may develop
different hobbies or activities. The relationship may continue to dissolve, or
this stage may be a warning sign that the couple needs to address their
relationship status.
27. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model – Coming Apart
5 Stages of coming apart:
7. Circumscribing–
The first in a series of declining stages
Debilitative emotions
Social Penetration Theory reverses
Arguing takes too much effort, so one
or both separates themselves from the
conflict
Sarcasm kicks in
Communication between the couple diminishes during this stage. They
tend to avoid certain topics of discussion. Outwardly, the couple appears
normal. At this stage, attempts can be made to discuss the relationship
and return it to a positive state.
28. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model – Coming Apart
5 Stages of coming apart:
8. Stagnating–
There is no continual growth and the two people become bored and
frustrated with one another
Selective and Defensive Listening Occurs
Doing the same things – going to the same places – or going nowhere.
Start to spend time apart to create your own excitement
During the stagnating stage, the individuals avoid discussing the relationship
because they think they know what the other will say. Others begin to take
notice that something is wrong.
29. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model – Coming Apart
5 Stages of coming apart:
9. Avoiding–
Creating physical distance between each
other
Attribution takes place – both people attach meaning to the
other’s behavior
Impersonal communication
Insensitive listening
Still does not have to end! However, at this
point, counseling would most likely be necessary.
The pair begins to physically separate themselves during the
avoiding stage. The individuals try to reduce the opportunities
for discussion.
30. Communication over the Relational Life Span
Mark Knapp’s Ten Stage Relationship Model – Coming Apart
5 Stages of coming apart:
10. Terminating–
Ending the relationship
It can happen quickly or over a period
of time
More disclosure – summary dialogues
Mixed emotions
Can be reached in a back and forth
manner
This is the final stage of the relationship.
Termination may come naturally, such as at the end
of the semester when roommates move out, or
arbitrarily, through divorce. Termination of the
relationship can occur positively or negatively.
32. Interpersonal Relationships
Relationship Dialectics Theory (Push Me, Pull You)
Relationship Dialectics Theory - dynamic tensions exist in each stage of
relationships and are defined by a pair of opposite desires or motivations:
Autonomy vs. Connection – Do you want to be connected at the hip or
be your own person? How are you defined? As a couple or as an
individual that has a relationship with someone?
Novelty vs. Predictability – You have a need for adventure and newness
vs. you want to know what will happen at every turn and twist in the
relationship.
Privacy vs. Openness – Do you want to reveal yourself to the other? Or
do you want to remain closed? (Graphs on page 211)
33. Interpersonal Relationships
Relationship Dialectics Theory (Push Me, Pull You)
What do you do with these opposing tensions?
You can accept the imbalance as part of dating or relating.
You can exit the relationship.
You can rebalance your life. Stir things up, take time off, talking about
the imbalance and the inherent conflicts and problem solving with your
partner.
34. Intimacy in Interpersonal Relationships
Dimensions of Intimacy
What is intimacy?
Definition: “Close union, contact, association, or acquaintance” with the
following possible KINDS of closeness:
Physical – everything from a pat on the back to hugs to intense sexual
contact
Intellectual sharing – exchange of important ideas
Emotion – exchanging important feelings
Shared activities – everything from playing basketball together, to
gossiping, to teasing and joking around
35. Intimacy in Interpersonal Relationships
Male and Female Intimacy Styles
History of Research
Women are more intimate with their self-disclosures than men
Men, if they could just open up about their feelings, would be close
The Truth:
Men and women in same sex interactions, get to know and trust each
other in different ways:
• Emotional expression is not the only way to get “close”
• Male intimacy is based on shared activities, not talking
• Female intimacy is based on sharing feelings, talking
Men do things to express their love whereas women do things as an
expression of intimacy that has already been created
How might this “complicate” physical interactions between men and
women?
36. Intimacy in Interpersonal Relationships
Cultural Influences on Intimacy
In more collectivist cultures, there is a greater distinction between in-group
members and strangers
They go to extremes to hide personal information about in-group
members.
By contrast, more individualistic cultures have less of a distinction between
personal relationships and casual ones
They will air their “dirty laundry” with just about anyone.
Engage in airplane “intimacy”
Engage in “cocktail party” conversations
The willingness to engage in disclosure (intimacy) is dependent on
socioeconomic class. Who do you think discloses more? Working-class
black males or upwardly mobile black males?
Working-class black males
37. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Self Disclosure
Definition?
The process of sharing personal information, opinions, and emotions with
others that would not normally be known to them.
Self-disclosure is multi-dimensional.
A type of communication in which we deliberately reveal new
information about ourselves.
Information is significant – something that is truly a “part” of who you
are.
This information would typically not be known by others – if the
receiving party already knew the information, it is not considered, by
this definition, self-disclosure.
38. Self Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
How Should We Self-Disclose?
CHEERS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxgwB_mDWWk
39. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Why do we do it?
Catharsis – the need to get something off your chest
Self-clarification – revealing something so that the other person can help you figure
it out
Self-validation – “I think I did the right thing. Let me tell you why I did it…”
Reciprocity – “I think I like you…” (Hoping for the same from the other person)
Impression management – “I don’t typically accept late work, but” (Professor to
student so a trust relationship will be forged / created)
Relationship maintenance and enhancement – “I think we need to talk about our
relationship…”
Control – “I just wanted you to know that one of our competitors just offered me a
great position…” (employee to boss – employee is hoping to get a raise and be
praised in current position)
40. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Social Penetration Theory (Onion Theory)
Describes the process of relationship bonding in which individuals move
from superficial communication to deeper, more intimate communication
Relationships are closest when communication is deep, broad, and
frequent
The Onion Metaphor
The onion’s outer skin represents superficial information about your self
The inner layers close to the core represent intimate information
41. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Social Penetration Theory (Onion Theory) Described
This is a theory of what happens when relationships develop (doesn’t seek
to explain WHY relationships start).
The breadth of the relationship has to do with the number of topics you
and your partner talk about.
The depth of a relationship involves the degree to which you penetrate the
inner personality – the core – of the other individual.
When a relationship begins to deteriorate, the breadth and depth will, in
many ways, reverse themselves. This is a process referred to as
depenetration.
After depenetration, there may occur something a little interesting – a
discussion between the break-upees…then, they can talk about the past
garbage and feelings and may actually end up becoming closer friends.
42. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Social Penetration Theory (Onion Theory) Model
Public
image
Relationship development
occurs here
43. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Self Awareness and the Johari Window
Self Awareness
You control your thoughts and behaviors largely to the extent that you
understand who you are.
How well do you know yourself? Your physical
self, personality, thoughts, feelings, behaviors?
Johari Window: A tool for examining what you know and don’t know
about yourself.
Open self: what you and others know about you
Blind self: things about yourself that others know but you don’t know
Hidden self: your secrets; things you know that you do not let others
know about you
Unknown self: truths about you that neither you nor others know
45. Johari Window
Example
My best friend, Sue (who also knows John)
Known to Me Not Known to Me
Open Self I am 24 years Blind Self Whether John likes
old, like to party, business me, my nervous habits, when
Known major in college. I know who I’ve talked too much, when
to Sue my best friends are and my I’ve offended someone Sue
weakness for Baskin Robbins knows better than I do
ice cream.
Hidden Self My secret desire Unknown Self Subconscious
fears, unconscious fight
Not to win an Olympic
medal, selfish motives in strategies, unrecognized
Known needs, potential as a
helping a rich
to Sue neighbor, fantasies of being pianist, how I would react to
rich and famous the loss of my mother
46. Johari Window
Personas
Open Personality:
Blind Self Very self-aware (small
Open Self blind self)
Happy to self- disclose to
others (small hidden self)
Unknown
Understand
Self themselves, but may not
Hidden Self understand others (and
share too personal or
embarrassing
information)
47. Johari Window
Personas
Naive Personality:
Large blind self that
Open Self Blind Self others can see
They hide little of
themselves
May make significant
social gaffes and not
Hidden Self Unknown Self even realize what they
have done
48. Johari Window
Personas
Open Self Blind Self Secret Personality:
With a large hidden
self, may appear distant
or secretive to others
Unknown May spend a significant
Hidden Self amount of time
Self
ensconced in their own
private world
49. Johari Window
Personas
Open Self Blind Self Mysterious Personality:
Knows relatively little
about themselves
Prefer to live in the
moment, taking each day
Hidden Unknown Self as it comes and not
Self seeking self-awareness
They may deliberately
enter states of non-
thinking and revel in such
intuitive paradoxes as
knowing through not
knowing
50. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Characteristics of Effective Self-Disclosure
Cultural influence – be aware of cultural differences when disclosing or
when “judging” others about their disclosures or lack of disclosures
Americans disclose more
Dyadic – limiting your disclosure to one person at a time limits your
personal, relational, and professional risks
Symmetrical – typically reciprocal in nature. If one person does all the
disclosing, what problem might this indicate?
Incremental – amount of info increases over time. We “test” our
disclosure partner to see how he/she takes care of the info.
Relatively scarce – moderation is best. Not too much and not too little.
51. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Guidelines for Appropriate Self-Disclosure
Is the other person important to you?
Is the risk of disclosing reasonable?
Are both amount and type of disclosure appropriate?
Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at hand?
Is the disclosure reciprocated?
Will the effect be constructive?
Is the self-disclosure clear and understandable?
52. Self-Disclosure in Interpersonal Relationships
Alternatives to Self-Disclosure
Lies Equivocation
Altruistic lies Equivocal language
To acquire resources Hinting
To protect resources Face-saving hint versus direct
To initiate and continue statement
interaction
To avoid conflict
To avoid interaction or take
leave
To present a competent image
To increase social desirability