Send it to Roy Keane

1. Dave Kitson
Summer 09

2. Introduction to Dave
Kitson has taken an unconventional rise to Dave’s world renown eye for goal has seen
the top, belligerently performing his way him score in every English league and cup
out of lower league shitholes such as competition, even more impressive after he
Hitchin, Arsley and Cambridge to earn his admitted he “doesn’t give a shit” about the
place amongst the Royals at Reading - he FA Cup. If this man can score when he
is now one of the most recognisable ginger doesn’t care, imagine what he could provide
people in England, achieving similar levels for your team.
of fame to Mick Hucknall
What the experts say:
“He is more than a head on a stick” –
Steve Coppell
“Dave only started playing for us
because his best mate Lee Devereux
was in our side and the pair of them
worked at Sainsbury’s” - Jason
Kitchener, Arena Tavern manager
(Hitchin Sunday League Premier
Division)

3. Kitson takes pride in his goals to games ratio,
which used to be nearly 0.50 during a purple 120
patch of 54 in 111 games for Reading. 100
Were it not for an unhappy spell at Stoke,
80
where his homesickness made scoring
goals physically impossible, he would be 60 goals
games
spoke about in the same breath as John
40
Hartson and Fabrizio Ravenelli
20
In spite of this he still had a hand in one of the
more memorable goals of the 08/09 season, 0
helping Justin Hoyte bundle in an own goal Cambridge Reading Stoke Reading (loan)
during a 2-1 defeat at Middlesbrough

4. The Athlete,
The Ambassador,
The Icon

5. International Pedigree
Despite not being called up to the England
squad, Dave has been extremely close. He
joins the likes of Noel Whelan, Julian Joachim
and Dean Holdsworth in a unique group of
English goal scoring superstars that have
never graced the international game.
His strong sense of national pride meant he
rejected Steve Staunton's attempts to get him
to join other mediocre English players in the
Irish national side
Lawrie Sanchez also tried to recruit Kitson for
the Northern Irish team, despite the fact he
was not eligible. Actor Kenneth Branagh
allegedly offered to help legitimise Kitson by
claiming he was Dave’s biological father.

6. Brand Values
Most professional sports people have limited appeal – Dave Kitson scores
in a whole range of categories and offers huge commercial benefits for
whoever he plays for

7. Dave Kitson – Tabloid Stories (and
the Truth!)
“DAVE KITSON IS LAZY AND UNMOTIVATED”
Not true. As Dave says himself every time he
saunters on from the bench…"My biggest
motivation is to say, "This guy cost £10m and he's
won God knows what. Well, I'm Dave Kitson, I cost
£150,000 from Cambridge and I ran the show
today'.“ Who can argue with that.
“STOKE ONLY SIGNED DAVE KITSON BECAUSE
CHIEF EXECUTIVE TONY SCHOLES THOUGHT
DAVE WAS JOHN-ARNE RIISE”
Again, untrue. Tony Scholes actually signed
Dave under the belief it was Rupert Grint from
the Harry Potter films.

8. Summary
This £5million global superstar can bring not only goals,
but ubiquitous commercial appeal. A man with stringent
family values, he is a priceless asset for any club located
within the Reading area. Currently facing the biggest
decision this summer, could your club be the next to profit
from David Kitson?
Due to drink driving ban transport is necessary. However
there are well over 28,000 willing drivers in the Stoke-on-
Trent area.
Any team interested in an exchange deal, contact Mr. D
Views. (Players, Cars or WHSmiths vouchers only).
Go-rilla Marketing Services, 23 Flogkits Street, Talke Pits
Telephone No: 0871 663 2008 Fax No: 01782 592 210