How often do you face communication situations you don’t like or want? Situations that leave you feeling angry, hurt, frustrated, humiliated? If you don’t want to be striking out or sucking it up, if you don’t want to be an ass or a doormat, if you’d like to be able to handle even the most difficult situations with class and style you can be proud of (and other people will admire) - explore 'what's going on' and 'what we can do about it' at suemaree.com - loads of information for free, buy the book, contact Sue-maree for speaking engagements - keynotes, workshops & seminars at corporate, school & community events: web: suemaree.com email: suemaree@suemaree.com phone: +61 416 187834

1. What’s going on?
Communication:
What Hurts & What Works
Sue-maree McEnearney
Part 1: What Hurts
© 2010 sue-maree mcenearney; www.suemaree.com
1 2

2. How often do you run into situations
you don’t like or want?
3 4

3. People trying to push you around?
5 6

4. Acting like they know it all?
7 8

5. Judging?
9 10

6. Criticizing?
11 12

7. Shooting you down?
13 14

8. Gossiping about you?
15 16

9. How often do you feel you
can’t get through to people?
17 18

10. You’re about to explode?
19 20

11. You’re cut to the core?
21 22

12. How often does it seem people don’t care?
23 24

13. And you say nothing because you
‘don’t know what to say’.
25 26

14. Or you say something you wish you hadn’t.
27 28

15. If you’d like to be able to handle situations
like these without ‘striking out’ and
without ‘sucking it up…
without dominating or submitting…
without being an…
ass
29 30

16. Or a...
doormat.
31 32

17. If you’d like to be able to handle yourself with
class and style you can be proud of...
(and other people will admire)
33 34

18. Then let’s explore what’s going on - what
hurts…
And what we can do about it - what works…
Starting with ‘what hurts’.
35 36

19. what hurts
37 38

20. situation we
When we’re faced with a
don’t like or want
39 40

21. we need a way to deal with it.
41 42

22. Cope Strategies
help us to cope with whatever it is that’s
happening that we don’t like or want.
43 44

23. Broadly, cope strategies fall cope strategies
Power Plays, Compliance Capers, Escapes
into 3 groups; power
plays,
compliance capers
and escapes.
45 46

24. Power Plays
47 48

25. Sometimes the way we cope is to
power play: |ˈpou(-ə)r| |plā|
manipulate/coerce/force
others to do what we want using tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force people to
do what we want them to do, regardless of what
power plays
they want (or would want if they knew the
. reality of the situation).
49 50

26. For example;
•Discounting
•Judging
•Dictating
•Evaluating
•Manipulating
•Diverting
•Confusing
•Avoiding
•Excluding
•Deceiving
•Guilting, and
Here’s some examples of
•Intimidating.
power plays in action...
51 52

27. Discounting
Discounting that a problem or options;
•even exists
•is significant
•can be changed at all, and/or
•can be changed by you!
53 54

28. Judging
Sitting in judgement of others based on what the
‘judge’ considers;
Right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable,
appropriate/inappropriate.
55 56

29. Dictating
Dictating to people what to do,
what they ‘should’ do, and how to do it.
Includes;
Setting limits, rules, and making decisions,
dictating permissions & injunctions.
(what people ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do)
57 58

30. Evaluating
Evaluating behaviour based on the judge’s
assessment of how well people ‘measure up’
against criteria set by the judge.
Includes;
Labeling, demonizing, idealizing.
4
59 60

31. Manipulating
Manipulating behaviour using coercion &/or force.
Includes;
Praise & criticism,
pedestals & putdowns,
rewards & punishments.
61 62

32. Diverting
Diverting attention to avoid responsibility and
accountability.
Includes;
Deflecting, distracting, changing the subject,
turning the tables, comparing, undoing.
63 64

33. Confusing
Confusing people and/or the issue.
Includes;
Abuse of logic, discrediting a premise,
discrediting sources, feigning shock, feigning
disbelief, interrupting, fast-talking, bombarding,
ambushing, hijacking, embarrassing,
humiliating, reframing, redefining, baffling,
Socratic questioning*.
*badgering with questions to ‘force’ people to a predetermined outcome.
65 66

34. Avoiding
Avoiding people and/or the issue.
Includes;
Evading, changing the subject, distracting with red
herrings - including humour, ignoring, pretending not
to hear, pretending to be asleep! withdrawing,
hiding, being late, having ‘emergencies’.
67 68

35. Excluding
Purposely excluding people for personal gain.
Includes;
Alienating and isolating
using gossip, nastiness, sarcasm, arrogance.
69 70

36. Deceiving
Lies of commission - fabricating information,
Lies of omission - withholding information.
Includes;
Misleading with half truths, spinning, evasions, secrets,
little white lies, bold-faced lies, whoppers, gossip, rumor,
honesty passed off as a lie or a joke, bait and switch,
over-promising and under-delivering,
offering one thing and delivering another.
71 72

37. Guilting
Preying on a persons care and concern for others to
create feelings of responsibility for what isn’t
their responsibility.
Includes;
Guilt trips, obligating, shaming
73 74

38. Intimidating
Physical, verbal, mental, emotional, financial, social
harm or threats of harm.
Includes;
Ultimatums, sarcasm, criticism, insults, labels,
putdowns, denigrate, embarrass, humiliate, frighten.
75 76

39. Discounting
Judging
Dictating
‘power plays’ amount to
Evaluating
avoiding the reality of
what’s going on with others Manipulating
and manipulating/ Diverting
coercing/forcing Confusing
eek?!
them to do what we want; Avoiding
Excluding
which means we get what we
want - at others expense. Deceiving
Guilting
Intimidating
77 78

40. Compliance Capers
79 80

41. Sometimes the way we cope is to
manipulate/coerce/force compliance caper: |kəmˈplīəns| |ˈkāpər|
ourselves to do what others want using tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves
compliance capers
to do what we don’t want to do.
.
81 82

42. For example;
•Denying
•Distorting
•Displacing
•Disowning
•Deferring, and
•Over-adapting.
Here’s some examples of
compliance capers in action...
83 84

43. Denying includes:
Outright Denial
“There is no problem.”
“It’s not a problem.”
(When there is, and it is!)
85 86

44. Distorting includes:
Distort, minimize, catastrophize,
intellectualize, rationalize
“It’s nothing.”
“There’s nothing worse!”
“It’s really just a matter of perspective.”
“It’s human nature.”
87 88

45. Displacing includes:
Displace, blame, project, repress, regress
“I’m mad at them - so you’d better watch out!”
“This is all my fault.” (when it isn’t)
“This is their fault.” (when it isn’t)
“I can’t even think about it.”
89 90

46. Disowning includes:
Disown actions and feelings, excuse self
“It wasn’t me.”
“It was the alcohol talking.”
“I couldn’t stop myself.”
“That’s just my way of coping.”
“We all have issues.”
91 92

47. Deferring includes:
Identify, compensate, postpone
“I need a drink.”
“I’ll have a nap first.”
“Patience is a virtue.”
“I’ll make up for it later.”
93 94

48. Over-adapting includes:
Agreeing to do things we don’t have the time/energy/
desire/resources/skills to do. Taking over others
responsibilities, accepting others responsibilities,
‘picking up the slack’. Ingratiating ourselves to
others. Proving ourselves to others.
“No trouble.” (when it is!)
“Piece of cake.” (when it isn’t!)
95 96

49. Denying
‘compliance capers’
amount to avoiding the Distorting
reality of what’s going on
with us by manipulating/ Displacing
coercing/forcing eek?!
ourselves to give up Disowning
what we want; in favor of others
and what they want.
Deferring
Which means others get what
they want - at our expense.
Over-adapting
97 98

50. People are most likely to use compliance
People are most likely to use power
plays
when they think they have enough power
capers when they think they don’t have
to get away with using them to get people enough power to get others to do what
to do what they want; and they want; and/or
they’re willing to get what they want they’re not willing to get what they want
at the expense of others.
at the expense of others.
99 100

51. Whether people are using power plays or
compliance capers, they’re doing ‘something’
they seem to be ‘taking action’.
The reality is they’re taking action to avoid
the issue that’s creating the situation
they don’t like or want.
“Yes I’m taking action! Can’t you see I’m sticking my head in the sand?!”
101 102

52. The problem is they aren’t doing anything to
‘fix’ it or change it.
So cope strategies are like a bandaid
on a crack through a load-bearing wall.
A superficial ‘fix’ for a much bigger issue.
103 104

53. Cope strategies avoid the reality of
what’s going on by what’s called
Displacing
Rights & Responsibilities
105 106

54. We displace rights & responsibilities
with dominating behaviours by;
forcing our responsibilities
on others
107 108

55. and taking others responsibilities
from others
109 110

56. We displace rights & responsibilities
with submissive behaviours by;
abdicating our responsibilities
to others
111 112

57. and accepting others responsibilities
from others.
113 114

58. Each of these displacements creates problems.
And we don’t like;
Generally, we don’t like people; abdicating our responsibilities to others, and
forcing their responsibilities on us, and accepting others responsibilities from others…
taking our responsibilities from us…
...except if it works to our advantage!
...except if it works to our advantage!
115 116

59. In psychological terms, behaviour is classified as
The problem with displacements is they passive if it ignores information relevant to
displace rights & responsibilities! solving problems, and directs time and
energy to avoiding them.
Any advantage received in the short-term
is likely to backfire in the long-term.
On that basis all coping and displacing
behaviours are passive.
117 118

60. When we avoid our problems rather than solving
them, they continue, and very often get worse.
That means we continue to do things we don’t want to
do, accept what we don’t want to accept, and suffer
consequences we don’t like or want - which affect our
quality of life - destructive to our health, happiness and
well-being, our productivity and our relationships.
119 120

61. Why would we do that to ourselves?
121 122

62. Survival Instinct
123 124

63. Our most basic instinct is survival.
Our subconscious is constantly scanning our
environment with a focus on survival:
Am I safe? Am I at risk?
Am I in danger of being attacked?
Is this situation threatening to me?
Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially &/or
financially?
125 126

64. The sources of power we have to ‘protect’
ourselves include; physical, verbal, mental,
emotional and spiritual powers.
They include; money, knowledge, connections,
position, status, age, health, strength, beauty,
sexuality, beliefs, attitudes, talents, intelligence,
experience, skills, wisdom.
127 128

65. On that basis we choose what we think is our best
When we perceive a threat, we instinctively assess option to ‘protect’ ourselves and survive;
the power we have that’s relevant to the
situation incomparison to our perception of freeze, fight, or flee?
the power possessed by the ‘threat’. Hope they don’t see us, attack or withdraw?
Blend in, advance or retreat?
129 130

66. In everyday interactions we use this concept of
comparison to rank people into a
hierarchy or ‘pecking order’ that reflects how
much ‘power’ we think people have relative to others,
at that time, in that situation.
131 132

67. The result is people constantly comparing themselves to
others, judging and evaluating who’s stronger/smarter/
better/more important/more powerful… and therefor In the Competition Culture, people;
most likely to get what they want.
This assessment of power and place in a hierarchy leads
dominate those they perceive as having less power, &
people to take positions of domination and
submit to those they perceive as having more power.
submission in relation to others.
133 134

68. In a given context;
When people think they have enough power to
‘go after’ what they want, and are willing to
get it at the expense of others, they generally feel
‘safe’ to dominate to get what they want
- using power plays.
135 136

69. When people feel threatened by a situation thinking they
don’t have enough power to ‘go after’ what they want (or
they have, but they’re not willing to get it at the expense
of others!), they take a position of submission:
choosing to ‘give up’ what they want and
‘give in’ to others and what they want
- using compliance capers.
137 138

70. The result:
Those with more power, and who are willing to Those with less power, and who are willing to give
get what they want at the expense of others, get up what they want in favor of others, get less of
more of what they want, and enjoy what they want, and are deprived and
privileges and advantages disadvantaged in favor of others.
at the expense of others.
139 140

71. This is the dynamic of a Competition Culture;
where people use power as a destructive force, making
comparisons and ‘competing’ to get what they want;
forcing what they want when they have the power to
get it, and relinquishing what they want when they
don’t.
It’s a dynamic of domination and submission,
exploiting and being exploited.
141 142

72. Of course, competition has value, for example
in Sports and the Arts.
When people compete in sports there are
clearly defined rules to ensure safety
and a level playing field.
If we want to play the game, we agree to play by the
rules and submit to adjudications of umpires expert
in the rules of the game. They ensure no-one gets hurt
and no-one receives advantage at the expense of
others - and penalties are imposed if they do.
143 144

73. The same principles apply in the arts.
If we want to participate, we agree to the rules of the
competition and submit to the assessment of judges
chosen for their expertise - who ‘judge’ our
performance. Usually against specified criteria.
145 146

74. In our everyday interactions with others we don’t
have the luxuries of clearly defined rules to
ensure safety and a level
playing field.
We don’t have umpires and judges
to ensure no-one gets hurt or exploited.
147 148

75. People get hurt when;
what one person thinks is foul,
another person thinks is fair.
149 150

76. The Competition
‘off the field’
Let’s take a closer look at how
competition hurts when it’s played
‘off the field’...
151 152

77. Round 1
Sizing Up The Competition
153 154

78. When we want something from someone or someone
wants something from us;
(a) We use comparison and hierarchy to
‘size each other up’ - to do an assessment of our (i) go after what we want, or
power to get what we want relative to others. (ii) give up what we want.
(b) On the basis of whether we think we can
compete and ‘win’ we make decisions as to
whether, and how to;
155 156

79. When we go after what we want we get
more of what we want in life.
When we go after what we want at the expense
of others - using power plays to manipulate/
coerce/force them to do what we want - we’re
exploiting them.
157 158

80. When we give up what we want we get
less of what we want in life.
When we give up what we want in favor of
others - using compliance capers to
manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to give up
what we want - we allow others to exploit us.
159 160

81. When people decide to go about getting
what they want using power plays
Round 2 the people on the receiving end
often end up feeling...
The Power Play
161 162

82. tied in knots... at breaking point… even
TOC TOC
163 164

83. smashed.
Know these feelings?
TOC
165 166

84. People who dish it out are likely to
think they’re a ‘big shot’.
167 168

85. They rationalize their dominating behaviour;
“Well, I’m the boss/parent!”
“That’s my job!”
“It’s for their own good!”
“I know best!”
“I’m entitled!”
“If they can’t stand up for themselves,
that’s their problem!”
169 170

86. People on the receiving end
are likely to think they’re an… ass.
171 172

87. Whatever justification people think they have,
whatever rationalizations they make;
when they take an attitude of superiority to
others that looks even remotely like this...
173 174

88. people on the receiving end are usually
thinking something like this.
175 176

89. When we’re on the receiving end of a power play we
Round 3 have a choice to make as to how we respond to it.
The choices that cause the problems are to:
Responding to Power Plays
177 178

90. escalate and get into a power struggle
179 180

91. block and end up in a stalemate or a standoff
181 182

92. submit and give in or give up.
183 184

93. We make our choice depending on our assessment of how
much power we think we have relative to others… & Whatever choice we make,
our willingness to do what it takes to compete and we rationalize it:
get what we want at the expense of others.
185 186

94. Rationalizing escalation & blocking Rationalizing submission
“They’ve got no right to push me around!” “I didn’t want to make a scene.”
“They’re not going to push me around & get away with it!” “It wasn’t worth making a big deal out of it.”
“They need to know not to try that again!” “It’s just easier if I do it myself.”
“They need to be taken down a peg or two.” “Anything to keep the peace.”
“Who do they think they are?!” “I didn’t want to rock the boat.”
“Don’t they know who I am?!”
187 188

95. Whichever way it goes, it’s a competition
Depending on the person and the situation;
with winners and losers.
189 190

96. The ‘winner’ may feel;
smug over their ‘victory’ gloating because
they think taking advantage of people makes
them ‘smart’;
“I got ‘em!”
191 192

97. or guilty they’ve thrown their weight around
knowing they got what they wanted at the
expense of others;
“I’m a bad boss/parent/partner/person!”
193 194

98. The ‘loser’ may feel;
angry they’re doing what they don’t want to do,
or accepting what they don’t want to accept;
“That’s not fair!”
“Who do you think you are, anyway?!”
“You think you’re better than me?!”
195 196

99. even when they hide it;
“I’m fine.”
“Really.”
“I said I’m fine!”
197 198

100. or superior with patronizing and
condescending thoughts and comments like;
“They don’t know any better.”
“They’re doing the best they can.”
“I’d never stoop so low as to treat people like that.”
“I prefer to take the high road.”
(Because I’m so much better than them!)
199 200

101. In another version of the competition
people don’t tell us what they want;
“I shouldn’t have to tell them!”
“They should know!”
201 202

102. then get mad or sad when they don’t get it!
203 204

103. Round 4
Fallout
205 206

104. Whichever side of the equation we’re on, the
competition creates hard
feelings
that drive people apart.
207 208

105. The hard feelings don’t just disappear. They
have to ‘go’ somewhere or be ‘dealt with’ somehow.
In the competition culture hard feelings are;
• directed outwards - which punishes others, or
• directed inwards - which punishes ourselves.
209 210

106. When hard feelings are directed outwards
we use power plays When hard feelings are directed inwards
to ‘strike out’ and/or ‘get back’ at people; we use compliance capers
to ‘bottle it up’ and/or ‘make excuses’ for people;
to punish others.
which means we punish ourselves.
Also known as payback.
211 212

107. Punishments create even
more hard feelings which lead to
more displacing and
more coping
...and the cycle continues!
213 214

108. And when it all gets too much for us…
we look for ways to take our mind off it…
let off steam... release the pressure… to relax...
to feel better… to
escape .
Some of the ways we escape are to;
215 216

109. run away...
from home, work people, situations
217 218

110. sleep
wishing we could wake up when it’s all over
219 220

111. vent
221 222

112. eat
223 224

113. drink
225 226

114. do drugs
227 228

115. have sex
229 230

116. shop
231 232

117. work out
233 234

118. over work
235 236

119. Run Away
Sleep
When we turn our attention and
energy to ‘escapes’ to deal with our Vent
pray
discomfort we avoid dealing with
Eat
change jobs the reality that’s creating the
discomfort. Drink
change partners.
The ‘escapes’ make us ‘feel better’ in Do Drugs
And the ultimate no-turning-back escape; the short-term. If they work for us,
they may become ‘patterns’ and Have Sex
suicide. sometimes ‘addictions’ which can
make us feel much worse in the Shop
longer-term.
Work Out
Over Work
237 238

120. This competition culture plays out in
predictable ways on a daily basis.
The behaviours of competition - what we do Behaviours of
and the language of competition - what we say Competition
reflect and reveal comparison and hierarchy, What We Do
domination and submission.
239 240

121. Behaviours of domination play out when
people take a hierarchy position of dominance to
get what they want at the expense of others.
Specific behaviours that reflect and reinforce
domination include;
241 242

122. DYSFUNCTION DYSFUNCTION
ZONE ZONE
Making Assumptions about others Making & Imposing Limits, Rules & Decisions on others
Drawing Conclusions about others Demanding Compliance & Obedience from others
Forcing Responsibilities on others Enforcing Compliance with Rewards & Punishments.
Taking Responsibilities from others
Taking Priority over others
243 244

123. Behaviours of submission play out when
people take a hierarchy position of submission and
give up what they want, at their own expense/in
favor of others.
Specific behaviours that reflect and reinforce
submission include;
245 246

124. DYSFUNCTION DYSFUNCTION
ZONE ZONE
Accepting/Submitting to Assumptions made by Others Accepting/Submitting to Limits, Rules & Decisions
Made & Imposed by Others
Accepting/Submitting to Conclusions drawn by Others
Accepting/Submitting to Demands to Comply & Obey
Accepting & Fulfilling Responsibilities of Others
Accepting/Submitting to Enforcements
Abdicating Responsibilities to Others Granted/Imposed by Others.
Accepting/Submitting to Deferral by Others
247 248

125. Language of
Competition
What We Say
249 250

126. Specific language patterns that reflect and reinforce
domination and submission include;
The language of competition plays out when
people take hierarchy positions of dominance - to
get what they want at the expense of others, and I? Asking ‘I’ Questions
submission - to give up what they want in favor of
others, and at their own expense. I! Making ‘I’ Statements
U! Making ‘U’ Statements
251 252

127. I?
Asking ‘I’ Questions
253 254

128. I? I?
Asking ‘I’ Questions - is dominating when it; Asking ‘I’ Questions - is submissive when it;
• Patronizes & condescends to others: • Seeks approval/validation from others - inviting them to
judge us/our ‘performance’:
“So I’m going to .….…… , am I?”
“Did I do good?”
“Do I look good?”
“Do I meet your standards?”
“Do I get your approval?”
• Seeks permission to act from others - giving them control
over what we get to do:
“Can I …?” “May I …?”
“Please, pleeeeease?!”
255 256

129. WE? WE?
These same principles apply to the collective in the form of Asking ‘WE’ Questions - is submissive when it;
‘WE’ Questions;
• Seeks approval/validation from others - inviting them to
judge group ‘performance’:
Asking ‘WE’ Questions - is dominating when it; “Did we do good?”
• Patronizes & condescends to others: “Do we look good?”
“Do we meet your standards?”
“So we’re going to .….…… , are we?” “Do we get your approval?”
• Seeks permission to act from others - giving them control
over what the group gets to do:
“Can we …?” “May we …?”
“Please, pleeeeease?!”
257 258

130. I!
Making ‘I’ Statements
259 260

131. I! I!
Making ‘I’ Statements - is dominating when it; Making ‘I’ Statements - is submissive when it;
• Forces the speakers view to the exclusion of other views - • Relinquishes the speakers view in favor of others views -
without discussion, understanding & agreement: without discussion, understanding & agreement:
“I want this!” “It doesn’t matter what I want!”
“What I say goes!” (when it does!)
“The decision’s made!”
“I’m happy to do whatever you want!”
(I made it!)
(when we’re not!)
•Manipulates - for example, with guilt - without discussion,
understanding & agreement:
“After all I’ve done for you!”
261 262

132. WE! WE!
These same principles apply to the collective in the form of Making ‘WE’ Statements - is submissive when it;
‘WE’ Statements;
• Relinquishes the group view in favor of others views -
Making ‘WE’ Statements - is dominating when it; without discussion, understanding & agreement:
• Forces the group view to the exclusion of other views - “It doesn’t matter what we want!”
without discussion, understanding & agreement:
(when it does!)
“Well we want this!”
“We’re happy to do whatever you want!”
“What we say goes!”
(when we’re not!)
•Manipulates - for example, with guilt - without discussion,
understanding & agreement:
“After all we’ve done for you!”
263 264

133. U!
Making ‘U’ Statements
265 266

134. U! U!
Making ‘U’ Statements - is dominating when it; Making ‘U’ Statements - is submissive when it;
• Dictates to others what to do - without discussion, • Relinquishes the speakers view in favor of others views -
understanding & agreement: without discussion, understanding & agreement:
“You’re doing this!”
“Whatever you say!”
“You should be doing this!” “You know best!”
“You going to do it like this!”
“You need to do this!” (do they? how do you know?)
•Judges and labels others - without discussion, understanding &
agreement:
“You’re useless!” “You’re fabulous!”
“This is what you are!” (I’m judging what you are)
267 268

135. WE! WE!
Making ‘WE’ Statements - is dominating when it; Making ‘WE’ Statements - is submissive when it;
• Dictates to others what to do - without discussion, • Relinquishes the group view in favor of others views - without
understanding & agreement: discussion, understanding & agreement:
“We’re doing this!”
“We’ll do it your way!”
“We should be doing this!” “We’ll do whatever you want!”
“We’re going to do it like this!” “We’ll defer to you!”
“We need to do this!” “We trust you to know better than us!”
•Judges and labels others - without discussion, understanding & (do they? how can we be sure?)
agreement:
“We’re useless!” “We’re fabulous!”
“This is what we are!” (I’m judging what we are)
269 270

136. Competition Culture
All these behaviours and language patterns add up to a
Competition Culture...
271 272

137. Even when it’s not our intention, we’re buying into the
competition culture every time we take
hierarchy positions in relation to others.
273 274

138. When we displace rights & responsibilities by;
• forcing our responsibilities on others
• taking others responsibilities from others
• abdicating our responsibilities to others
• accepting responsibilities from others.
275 276

139. Use cope strategies to;
• power play, and We end up punishing;
• compliance caper.
• others and/or
And when it all gets too much, to; • ourselves.
• escape.
277 278

140. Whether we’re dominating or submitting Whether we’re dominating or submitting
we’re operating on a ‘one-way’ basis; we’re operating on a ‘one-way’ basis;
•dominating to force what we want for personal benefit; •submitting to relinquish what we want for others benefit;
Force Relinquish
“I want what I want, and “It doesn’t matter what I want,
I don’t care what you want!” I’ll just do what you want!”
279 280

141. Sometimes we’re just trying to protect ourselves;
when our ‘protections’ are harsh
others get hurt
281 282

142. when our ‘protections’ are lenient
we get hurt.
283 284

143. It’s easy to see how we end up with
conflict and alienation.
285 286

144. When what we really want is
understanding and connection.
287 288

145. With so much at stake, why do people choose to
get what they want by dominating with
power plays? And give up what they want
by submitting with compliance
capers?
289 290

146. Why people dominate with Power Plays:
(a) They know exactly what they’re doing and
they get off on the power trip
(b) They know they’re doing it and they think it
makes them smart and confident
(c) They know they’re doing it and they want to
stop but they don’t know what to do instead
(d) They make efforts to stop but in the heat of the
moment they fall back on old habits
(e) They have no idea they’re doing it and when
they find out they’re shocked.
291 292

147. Why people submit with Compliance Capers:
(a) They know exactly what they’re doing and
they’re scared of the consequences if they don’t
(b) They know they’re doing it and they think it
makes them ‘nice’ and a good person
(c) They know they’re doing it and they want to
stop but they don’t know what to do instead
(d) They make efforts to stop but in the heat of the
moment they fall back on old habits
(e) They have no idea they’re doing it and when
they find out they’re shocked.
293 294

148. They influence the work we do, the people we
These situations can create pain and heartache for
associate with, our health and happiness, and the
ourselves, and others - often for many years, and if
quality of our relationships - especially with our
we don’t do something about it - our whole life.
partners and children.
295 296

149. When we recognize domination and submission in
our behaviour, it’s normal to resolve to stop it.
If we swing from one position to the other, we
simply swap one set of issues for another - which
only serves to get us out of the frying pan
and into the fire.
297 298

150. • If we replace dominating with submitting, we end up
feeling angry and resentful because we’re
‘acting like an doormat’ - letting people ‘walk all over
us’ and ‘taking advantage of us’ and we end up doing
things we don’t want to do.
• If we replace submitting with dominating, we end up
feeling guilty because we’re ‘acting like an ass’ -
‘walking all over other people’ and ‘taking advantage’
by manipulating or forcing them to do what we want.
“help!!!”
299 300

151. So what do we do?
How do we make our way in a
competitive environment
without competing?
301 302

152. what works
303 304

153. Cooperation Culture
305 306

154. Imagine being able to trust people to be straight with you
about what’s going on with them? And what they wanted
That’s what happens when we
from you? Imagine feeling safe to be straight with others
about what’s going on with you? communicate on the basis of cooperation.
Imagine people genuinely caring what you think and want
and feel? Being genuinely interested in understanding you? That’s what happens in a Cooperation Culture.
Talking things over with you? Problem-solving with you, and
making agreements that work for both of you? That’s ‘what works’.
Always with integrity, and respect.
Good news! We know how to do this.
No comparison. No hierarchy. No competing. No dominating.
No submitting. No exploiting. No payback.
307 308

155. To cooperate when it doesn’t come naturally, it helps to
Cooperation comes naturally when we use the understand more about the Cooperation Culture,
transparent, open, honest, respectful, communication specifically the;
of equality to;
• Principles of Cooperation
• Exchange information for mutual understanding by;
• Attitudes of Cooperation
• Sharing what’s going on with us
• Process of Cooperation
• Caring what’s going on with others, and
• Behaviours of Cooperation, and
• Problem-solve & make agreements for mutual benefit.
• Language of Cooperation.
309 310

156. Cooperation is based on principles of;
Principles of • equality, and
Cooperation • problem-solving for mutual benefit.
311 312

157. equality
noun
the state of being equal, esp. in status, rights, and opportunities.
313 314

158. When people act on the basis of equality;
Equality between people exists when people and what
they think and want, are valued and respected equally:
!e "ghts and responsibilities, wants and needs of
Regardless of how old they are, what sex they are, how much
money they have, the state of their health, where they’re each person are valued and respected equally -
from, what they believe, their experiences, their
responsibilities & their ‘positions’. receiving equal care and a%ention.
• When others treat us with equality; they care as much
about what’s going on with us and what we want, as they do When people act on the basis of hierarchy;
about what’s going on with them and what they want.
• When we treat others with equality; we care as much about The rights and responsibilities, wants and needs of
what’s going on with them and what they want, as we do people with more power take priority over
about what’s going on with us and what we want. those of people with less power.
315 316

159. problem-solving
verb
problem-solving occurs when a system acts to move from
a given state to a desired goal state.
317 318

160. Problem-solving for mutual benefit occurs Problem-solving
when each person affected by a situation has the in the Cooperation Culture differs from problem-
opportunity to exchange information about what’s solving in the Competition Culture in relation to;
going on with them, with the objective of everyone
understanding each other, and as a group, problem- • The people involved
solving, and making decisions and agreements for • The outcome focus, and
mutual benefit.
• Perception of mutual benefit.
319 320

161. Problem-solving: Problem-solving:
The People Involved The Outcome Focus
• In the Competition Culture, those with the power • In the Competition Culture, problem-solving is for
make and impose the decisions. personal benefit.
• In the Cooperation Culture, everyone affected is • In the Cooperation Culture, problem-solving is for
involved in making decisions. mutual benefit.
321 322

162. Problem-solving:
Mutual Benefit
• In the Competition Culture what passes as ‘mutual
benefit’ seeks advantage for specific individuals/
groups/environments at the expense of other
Power & Trust in the
individuals/groups/environments.
• In the Cooperation Culture mutual benefit extends Cooperation Culture
beyond those directly involved in a situation and
considers the broader effects of proposed actions
on other individuals/groups/environments.
323 324

163. power trust
noun noun
the ability to do something or act in a particular way, esp. as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of
faculty or quality. someone or something.
325 326

164. When we use power on the basis of competition
we use it to achieve advantage over others, When we operate on the basis of competition,
exploiting them for personal benefit. trust is destroyed.
When we use power on the basis of cooperation When we operate on the basis of cooperation,
we’re transparent about the power we have and use it trust builds.
in agreement with others for mutual benefit.
327 328

165. • The more confidence we have in others to use
their power on the basis of cooperation rather
than competition - the more we trust them.
• The more confidence others have that we use our
power on the basis of cooperation rather than
competition - the more likely they’ll trust us.
329 330

166. Attitudes of
Cooperation
The Principles of Cooperation are the foundation
which support the Attitudes of Cooperation...
331 332

167. Any time we’re being naturally cooperative the
attitudes of cooperation are natural reactions
to what’s going on; Sometimes we might be surprised or caught off guard
and think people are joking - when they’re not.
We’re calm... maybe confused… we’re curious to In keeping with the ‘c’ theme, let’s call this reaction…
understand... we care... we connect... and converse
with people about what’s going on. Comic
Calm, Confused, Curious, Care, Connect, Converse
333 334

168. If we’re feeling
threatened…
So when we’re faced with a situation we
making a conscious choice to use these reactions
helps us be cooperative when it doesn’t come naturally. don’t like or want...
335 336

169. For example;
people using power plays to
manipulate/coerce/force us to
do what they want; imagine responding like this...
discounting, judging, dictating, evaluating,
manipulating, diverting, confusing, avoiding,
excluding, deceiving, guilting & intimidating;
337 338

170. Comic
“Hahaha!”
“Funny!”
339 340

171. Calm
“You’re not joking?”
“Sorry.”
“I thought you were joking!”
341 342

172. Confused
“What?”
“Sorry?”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t understand!”
343 344

173. Curious
“What’s going on?”
“What’s this about?”
“What’s happening?”
“What am I missing?”
“What is this?”
345 346

174. Care
“Are you ok?”
“Is there a problem?”
“Is this a problem for you?”
“Do you have a problem with this?”
“Yes? Oh! What is it?”
347 348

175. Connect
“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t know.”
“I had no idea.”
“I didn’t realize.”
“I hadn’t heard.”
349 350

176. Converse
“Let’s talk it over?”
“Let’s work it out?!”
“Let’s find a way to make this work
for both of us?!”
351 352

177. When people communicate on the basis of cooperation
they’re operating on a ‘two-way’ basis. Each person;
•shares what’s going on with them, they;
Let People Know
“Here’s what’s going on with me!”
•cares what’s going on with others, they;
Check It Out
“What’s going on with you?”
“Is this what’s going on with you?”
And problem-solves for mutual benefit.
353 354

178. Process of
Cooperation
These Attitudes of Cooperation
support the Process of Cooperation...
355 356

179. process of cooperation
The process of cooperation in 3 basic steps;
1. Initiate Cooperation
jhffhkjsh
2. Exchange Information An Invitation
to Cooperate
for Mutual Understanding
3. Make Agreements
for Mutual Benefit
357 358

180. 1. Initiate Cooperation
An Invitation
to Cooperate
Invitation
We initiate cooperation with an ‘invitation to cooperate’. This
‘lets people know’ we’d like to cooperate and ‘checks out with “I’d like to talk it over and
them’ whether they’re willing to do the same. find a way to make it work for both of us.”
“How about we talk about this and
RSVP find a way to make it work for both of us?”
By their RSVP we know whether they’re willing to engage
on the basis of cooperation. “Let’s talk about this and
find a way to make it work for both of us!”
359 360

181. 2. Exchange Information
We exchange information back and forth to generate
mutual understanding by;
Sharing what’s going on with us;
expressing & clarifying what’s going on with us
Caring what’s going on with others;
enquiring & confirming what’s going on with others
361 362

182. • Whatever’s going on with us, we “let people know”
Let People Know
“Here’s what’s going on with me!” “I think we need to … .”
“What do you think … ?”
“I see this as … .”
• Whatever we think is going on with others, we “check it out” “How do you see it … ?”
Check It Out “Here’s what I know about this … .”
“What’s going on with you?”
“What do you know about this … ?”
“Is this what’s going on with you?” “Here’s my experience of this … .”
“What’s your experience of this … ?”
363 364

183. 3. Make Agreements
The back and forth exchange of information continues into
problem-solving & making agreements for mutual benefit. We;
Collaborate on options
to explore and evaluate options
Create agreements
for mutual benefit, and
Confirm agreements
so everyone’s clear on rights & responsibilities.
365 366

184. • collaborate on options - to explore and evaluate options; • create agreements - for mutual benefit;
“Here’s some options I see.” “We could … ?!”
“Here’s my thoughts/ideas.” “How about we … ?!”
“And how we could make them work for both of us.” “What about we do this … ?!”
“What options do you see?” “What do you think?!”
“What are your thoughts/ideas?” “How do you want to do this?!”
“And how do you see them working for both of us?”
“What other options might there be?!”
“What else could we do?!”
“And how do we make them work for both of us?”
367 368

185. • confirm agreements - so everyone’s clear on rights &
responsibilities;
“We’re agreed we’ll …?”
“So, I’ll … , and you’ll … ?”
“Yes!”
“Great!”
369 370

186. Four elements form a framework for this
Process of Cooperation;
Framework A. Everyone Affected is Included
for the Process of Cooperation B. Agree In Advance
C. Accountability to the Group
D. Review & Refine.
371 372

187. Framework Framework
for the Process of Cooperation for the Process of Cooperation
A. Everyone Affected is Included B. Agree In Advance
“Including everyone affected” ensures everyone “Making agreements in advance” ensures everyone
affected by the agreements has the opportunity to knows where they stand going into a situation.
contribute to solving the problem and making the
agreements.
373 374

188. Framework Framework
for the Process of Cooperation for the Process of Cooperation
C. Accountability to the Group D. Review & Refine
“Accountability to the Group” ensures each person “Reviewing and refining agreements over time”
takes responsibility for their individual actions and ensures any problems or issues that arise are explored
are accountable to each other. and resolved.
Whether problems and issues arise out of the original
agreement, in light of changing needs and
circumstances… and whether or not they could have
been foreseen… when people are cooperating, any
change that creates disadvantage is cause for review
and refinement of the agreement - for mutual benefit.
375 376

189. These 4 elements increase;
• the quality of the agreements
• the extent to which they meet each persons needs
• commitment to the agreements, and
• the likelihood of success.
This Process of Cooperation is supported by
the Behaviours of Cooperation,
and the Language of Cooperation...
377 378

190. Behaviours of
Cooperation
What We Do
379 380

191. Behaviours of Cooperation
are based on equality. We;
• exchange information for mutual understanding, and Share What’s Going On with us - we “let people know”
- and clarify misunderstandings
• problem-solve and make agreements for mutual benefit.
Care What’s Going On with others - we “check it out”
Specific behaviour patterns that reflect and reinforce - and confirm our understanding
equality and cooperation are; Discuss, Problem-Solve & Agree for Mutual Benefit;
Rights & Responsibilities, Limits, Rules, Decisions & Priorities.
381 382

192. Language of
Cooperation
What We Say
383 384

193. Language of Cooperation
is based on equality. We;
• exchange information for mutual understanding, and
• problem-solve and make agreements for mutual benefit.
I? Asking ‘I’ Questions
Specific language patterns that reflect and reinforce
equality and cooperation include;
I! Making ‘I’ Statements
U? Asking ‘U’ Questions
385 386

194. I?
I?
Asking ‘I’ Questions - is cooperative when it;
• Makes a request of others - in relation to something that is
rightly their choice and/or responsibility and/or property:
“May I?”
“May I borrow your …?”
This same principle applies to the collective in the form of
‘I’ Questions ‘WE’ Questions;
to request “May we?”
“May we borrow your …?”
387 388

195. I!
‘I’ Statements
express & clarify what’s going on with us
389 390

196. I! I!
‘expressing’ what’s going on with us
Making ‘I’ Statements - is cooperative when we use them to;
1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations
• ‘Let people know’ the reality of what’s going on with us. and feelings, we ask ourselves;
We share what’s going on with us by; “What’s going on with me?”
“What am I experiencing?”
• ‘expressing’ what’s going on with us, and “What/how am I feeling?”
“What is it I think/want/need?”
• ‘clarifying’ what’s going on with us, in relation to: “What do I think is happening?”
• What we’re experiencing “What knowledge/experience do I have to share/contribute?”
“What are my hopes/dreams/fears for the future?”
• How we feel
“What do I want to happen?”
• What we think and want and need
• Our knowledge and experiences from the past, & 2. We share/express what’s going on with us using ‘I’ Statements;
• Our hopes, dreams and fears for the future. “I ….………. !”
391 392

197. I! I!
“I see … ” “I’m seeing … ” “I’m curious… ” “I’d like …”
“I hear … ” “I’m hearing … ” “I’m wondering …” “I’d prefer …”
“I taste … ” “I’m tasting … ” “I’m concerned … ” “I’d appreciate …”
“I smell … ” “I’m smelling … ”
“I feel … ” “I’m feeling … ” “I know… ” “I fear…”
“I think … ” “I’m thinking … ” “I’ve experienced …” “I hope…”
“I want … ” “I’m wanting … ” “In my experience…” “My dream is to…”
“I need … ” “I’m needing … ”
393 394

198. Others filters…
Since we all understand the world through our own I!
experiences, when we use ‘I’ Statements to express what’s ‘clarifying’ what’s going on with us
going on with us - others interpret what we’re saying through
the filter of their experiences.
1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations
When their interpretation puts a spin on things that doesn’t and feelings, we ask ourselves;
reflect the message we intended to get across it’s important
“Does my message seem to be ‘getting across’ as I intended?”
we clarify our message so people get the message we were
intending to send. If we don’t, people ‘get the wrong idea’
about what’s going on, which creates misunderstandings and
2. If necessary, we clarify what’s going on with us using ‘I’ Statements;
leads to problems.
So we also use ‘I’ Statements to clarify what’s going on with “I ….………. !”
us. And, if what we’re saying isn’t ‘coming out’ way we
intended!
395 396

199. I! I!
“I’ll clarify that.” “That’s not what I meant.”
“I’ll rephrase that.” “That’s not what I was getting at.”
“I’ll put it another way.” “That isn’t what I meant to say.”
“This doesn’t seem to be coming out as I intended.” “I want to make sure we’re on the same page here.”
“I’ve got the feeling we’re on different wavelengths here.” “I want to make sure we’re understanding each other.”
“I don’t think we’re on the same page.” “I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding.”
“What I’m trying to say is … .”
And… all the previous ‘I’ Statements
397 398

200. U? ‘U’ Questions
enquire & confirm what’s going on with others
399 400

201. U? U?
Asking ‘U’ Questions - is cooperative when it; • ‘Checks it out’ with others - the reality of what’s going onI
with others.
• Extends an invitation to others:
We ‘check out’ what’s going on with others by;
“Would you like to join me?”
• ‘enquiring’ what’s going on with others, and
“Would you like to come with us?”
“Would you like me to …?” • ‘confirming’ what’s going on with others, in relation to:
• What they’re experiencing
•Makes a request of others - in relation to something that is
rightly their choice and/or responsibility and/or property: • How they feel
• What they think and want and need
“Would you help me out with ...?” • Their knowledge and experiences from the past, &
“Would you be willing to …?” • Their hopes, dreams and fears for the future.
401 402

202. U? U?
‘enquiring’ what’s going on with others ‘enquiring’ what’s going on with others
1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations 2. We enquire as to the reality of what’s going on with others using ‘U’
and feelings, we ask ourselves; Questions;
“What’s seems to be going on here?” “You ….………. ?”
“What do I think is going on here?” “You’re ….………. ?”
“Are you ….………. ?”
“What do others seem to be experiencing?”
“What/how do others seem to be feeling?”
“What is it others seem to think/want/need?” Incorporating the general enquiry/information gathering questions;
“What knowledge/experiences might others have to share/contribute?”
“What might be others hopes/dreams/fears for the future?” “Who?”
“What?”
“What might others want to happen?”
“Where?”
“When?”
“How?”
403 404

203. U? U?
Who? What?
“Who are you speaking of?” “What’s this about?”
“Who are you referring to?” “What do you mean?”
“Who do you mean, exactly?” “What do you know about this?”
“What’s your experience of this?”
“What ideas do you have?”
“What do you think/want/need/suggest?”
“What would you like to see happen?”
405 406

204. U? U?
Where? When?
“Where was this?” * “When was this?” *
“Where did this happen?” * “When did this happen?” *
“Where is this coming from?” *
* ‘you’ implied
“Where are you going with this?”
* ‘you’ implied
407 408

205. U?
How?
“How do you mean?”
“How do you know?”
“How do you feel about this … ?”
“How do you see this working ...?”
“How would you like to proceed …?”
Is this making sense?
409 410

206. Our filters…
Since we too have a set of filters as a result of our particular
U?
‘confirming’ what’s going on with others
life experiences, when we use ‘U’ Questions to enquire of
others experiences, we interpret what they tell us through
our personal filters. 1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations
and feelings, we ask ourselves;
To ensure our interpretations don’t put a spin on things that
distorts the message people intended to get across - it’s “What’s the message I’m getting here?”
important for us to confirm our understanding matches
their intention. If we don’t we might ‘get the wrong idea’
which creates misunderstandings and leads to problems. 2. We confirm our interpretation of what’s going on using ‘U’ Questions;
So we also use ‘U’ Questions to confirm what’s going on “You ….………. ?”
“You’re ….………. ?”
with others. “Are you ….………. ?”
411 412

207. U? U?
“You see … ?” “You’re seeing … ?” “You’re curious … ?” “You’d like … ?”
“You hear … ?” “You’re hearing … ?” “You’re wondering … ?” “You’d prefer … ?”
“You taste … ?” “You’re tasting … ?” “You’re concerned … ?” “You’d appreciate … ?”
“You smell … ?” “You’re smelling … ?”
“You feel … ?” “You’re feeling … ?” “You’ve noticed … ?” “You’re imagining …?”
“You think … ?” “You’re thinking … ?” “You’ve observed …?” “Your intuition tells you …?”
“You want … ?” “You’re wanting … ?”
“You need … ?” “You’re needing … ?”
413 414

208. U? U?
“You know … ?” “You fear … ?” “You’re … ?” “Are you … ?”
“You’ve experienced … ?” “You hope … ?” “You’re trying to … ?” “Are you trying to … ?”
“In your experience … ?” “Your dream is to … ?” “You’re suggesting … ?” “Are you suggesting … ?”
“You’re saying … ?” “You’re telling me … ?”
“So you’re saying … ?” “So you’re telling me … ?”
415 416

209. The combination of
‘I’ Statements and ‘U’ Questions
creates the back and forth exchange of
information that leads to mutual understanding.
I! U?
417 418

210. WE? ‘WE’ Questions
explore & collaborate to make agreements
419 420

211. WE? WE?
‘WE’ Questions to explore & collaborate
‘WE’ Questions are cooperative when we use them to
exchange information - to generate options and Collaborate on Options
make agreements for mutual benefit, to;
“What other options might there be for us?”
“What else could we do?”
• Collaborate on Options “How do we make this work for both of us?”
• Create Agreements, and
• Confirm Agreements.
421 422

212. WE? WE?
Create Agreement Confirm Agreement
“We could … ?” “We’re going to … ?”
“How about we … ?” “We’ve agreed to … ?”
“What about we do this …?”
“We’re agreed we’ll …?”
“What do you think?” “So we’re agreeing you’ll … and I’ll … ?”
“How do you want to do this?”
“Yes?”
“Great!”
423 424

213. The ‘WE’ Questions generate a back and forth
exchange of ideas and suggestions to explore and
collaborate on options - problem-solving to create
and confirm agreements for mutual benefit.
WE? WE?
425 426

214. ...only when we’ve exchanged
‘I’ Statements and ‘U’ Questions,
and then ‘WE’ Questions,
WE!
‘WE’ Statements
convey agreements
do we finally get to ‘WE’ Statements...
427 428

215. WE! WE!
‘WE’ Statements are cooperative when we use them to;
Convey Information
• Convey agreements made to third parties… “We agreed to … .”
after issues have been discussed and agreed “We plan to … .”
between the people involved. “We’re going to … .”
“We’ve decided to … .”
“We’ll be … .”
“...doing this/doing it like this.”
429 430

216. Source Data
431 432

217. The whole time we’re communicating we’re
creating ‘pictures’ of ‘what’s going on’
based on what we’re ‘picking up’ and/or ‘making
up’ through what we can call ‘Source Data’. Our;
observations using our senses, our
intuitions, imaginations,
interpretations
and feelings.
433 434

218. Source Data
Observations
Our observations using our senses: what we;
• See
• Hear
• Smell
• Taste
• Feel through touch
435 436