This is a talk given to third year parents of La Salle Academy, Iligan City, Philippines on October 3, 2009 during their Parent-Child Dialogue Level Day.

1. Parenting our Adolescent Child (A Personal Sharing) Parent-Child Dialogue Third Year Level Day La Salle Academy, Iligan City October 3, 2009, Saturday Marionito L. Hinacay ENTER TO LEARN

4. 3.1. Building Relationships Parenting is about building a relationship with our child. Issues: Lack of relationship due to “generation gap” or due to “lack of presence.” It is the result of long term neglect .

5. 1. Parents need to take the first initiative in building relationships with their children because at this stage, their children’s life or relational interest is usually directed to the third party or to the outside world. 2. Parents must make a commitment to having a relationship with their children. Parenting is not just a matter of providing our children’s basic and physical needs (money figure) but of building a strong foundation relational aspect with our children; that is “ how to be there ” for our children. Practical Tips for Parents 3.1. Building Relationships

6. 3.2. Establishing Communication Essential to building strong rapport with our children is the establishment of communication. Issues: Lack of communication and this could be due to some barriers which may include status difference (parent-child);, physical, emotional and attitudinal.

7. Practical Tips for Parents 1. Create open and effective communication with your adolescent. 2. An important goal in communicating with our adolescents should be just talking with them , without trying to accomplish anything other than talking. Listen more and talk less. 3. Conversation should not end up in lectures or preaching . 4. Avoid throwing to our adolescent child complex series of questions. 5. Do not keep on repeating our lectures and questions. 3.2. Establishing Communication

8. 3.3. Peer Group To have a peer group is one way of helping our adolescents to grow into social maturity. It provides them an opportunity to compare learnings and experiences with others. Issues: Insecurity of parents to be overrated by their friends. Friends could be the source of bad influence to our adolescents.

9. Practical Tips for Parents 1. Encourage positive relationships with their friends. 2. Encourage adolescents to get involved in the communities. 3. If you are not satisfied with your child's company then try and talk to him about the harm that it is causing to him. Do not humiliate him by calling him a weak person or somebody who easily gets influenced by others. 4. Set reasonable limits on how often your teens can go with their friends during the school week while at the same time recognizing how important friends are at this stage. 3.3. Peer Group

10. 3.4. Rules, Limit, & Fairness The notions of rules and limits are part of parenting. Rules and limits are not for our own good and selfish motives as parents but as expressions of our care for our child. We should let our adolescents know that there has to be rules and limits in the house and explain to them the reasons behind these rules and listen to their points of view. Issues: Consistency in enforcing rules and limits. Parent-child conflicts and “power struggles.”

11. Practical Tips for Parents 1. House rules must not be formulated in negative statements (do not) but affirmative statement (do). 2. We may set the rules and limit but with gentle guidance. Most adolescents have no knowledge yet of cause and effect. 3. We should keep our rules clear and limit only to important issues. 4. We should not try to control areas of adolescents’ lives that adolescents consider to be outside the legitimate domain of parental authority. 3.4. Rules, Limits and Fairness

12. 3.5. Affection and Appreciation We must accept our adolescents for who they are, no matter what . Express these feelings of love and acceptance by appropriate sentences of praise or appreciation . The more we praise our adolescent for what he is doing right, the less we have to criticize and discipline him for doing something wrong. Issues: How often do we show our affection, love, and appreciation to our adolescents?

13. Practical Tips for Parents 1. Be conscious with developing our child’s self-esteem. 2. Set up our teen’s social, academic, and professional success. 3. Be tolerant and patient. Enjoy them while we have them, with their failures and achievements. 4. Do not retaliate following initial feelings of anger. This does not work, but it only builds up resentment. 5. Try to attend every event , game, and performance that our child is involved in. 6. Make an extra effort to set a good example at home and in public. Use words like "I'm sorry," "please," and "thank you." 7. Avoid harsh criticism . They are very sensitive to it. 8. Eat meals together as a family, without the distractions of the TV or cell phones. Take this time to just talk to our children. 9. Pray with our children . Nothing will bring us closer than the power of the simple expression of prayer. 3.5. Affection and Appreciation

14. C – Contact . Be approachable and willing to spend time. A – Ask. Ask questions, learn and understand their friends, activities, feelings and relationships. R – Right. You will earn the right over your child especially in giving a piece of advice (Moral ascendancy). E – Encourage. Seek out a child’s good behavior, and affirm things they do right. Indeed, PARENTS really C.A.R.E. LEAVE TO SERVE