Kay white power up speak up- be heard

The Savvy &
Influential
Communicator’s
Starter Kit
Say What Needs To Be Said; Be Confident
and Clear. It’s All About Being Heard.
Power Up; Speak Up;
Be Heard
wayforwardsolutions.com

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The Savvy & Influential Communicator’s Starter Kit © 2006–2011 Kay White | wayforwardsolutions.com 2

“If you’re making
yourself understood,
you’re always
speaking well”.
—moliere

About the Author. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
About your eBook. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
1 Being Assertive: Staking Your Claim. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12
2 Being Seen: Showing Up And Staying On The Radar. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
3 Difficult Conversations: They Don’t Have To Be Difficult. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
4 Influencing Skills: Your Jedi Mastery…When Your Rubber Meets the Road. . . . . 69
5 Persuasive Language: The Difference Between “Yes” And “Whatever”. . . . . . 94
bonus resources
Q is for Questions. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 112
One of the most powerful chapter’s from Kay’s # 1 best-selling book. Use
these powerfully and you’ll never be stuck or lost for words again.
Magical, Mystical, Masterful Mindgame. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
Use this set of carefully-crafted questions, set out in a specific order, to guide
you through decisions when you’re stuck. The layout, the exact wording will help
unlock indecision and help you move from stuck to find your way forward.
Contents

So who is Kay White?
Known as the “Savvy and Influential Communication Expert” Kay is the
author of the international number 1 bestseller The A to Z of Being Understood,
contributing author to the bestselling books Smart Women Live Their Why
and Turning Points. As Mentor to hundreds of ambitious professional women
(and a few smart, savvy men) Kay is CEO of her own company, Way Forward
Solutions Ltd. Living just outside London in the UK with her husband and
their 3 rescue hounds, Kay works worldwide with clients, both in person
and virtually. She offers 1 to 1 mentorships and popular group trainings—
all focused on enabling her clients to Speak Up and Be Heard using savvy,
influential communication secrets.
Why does she do what she does?
Kay’s passion is to help ambitious and often frustrated professionals get seen
and heard and noticed (for the right reasons) and then position themselves
with power and influence for the success they want and deserve—all by
using subtle and instantly effective communication secrets. You can’t do it
About
Kay White

on your own—you always need other people’s help and input. You have to
communicate what you want clearly and be heard so that other people take
action, rather than tune you out or ignore you.
You need to be heard.
You can work your little tail off and still be overlooked, undervalued and it’s
such a waste of your talent and a waste of your time. Well, enough already.
People need to notice you for you to get ahead and be rewarded. That’s Kay’s
mission. As she says herself “small changes in the way you communicate make
a GIANT impact on the way you’re seen, heard and understood”.
What happens for people once they’ve worked with Kay?
Her work is often described as “Jedi” in that after working with Kay her clients
get the promotion they were looking for, they earn more money and people
who used to tune them out, suddenly sit up and listen to what they say. They
also notice that it’s easy—all that Kay shares can be adapted to your own style.

If you’re a business owner just as if you’re working in an organisation—you
need to grab and keep people’s attention so you can get your work done and
get the praise, recognition, and rewards you deserve.
How does she work with people?
Kay offers:
• in-person workshops and trainings
• popular Virtual Live Trainings and Teleclasses (Skype Livestream & telephone)
• VIP one-to-one mentoring, in-person and virtually
• Regular interviews on radio and TV shows and iTunes podcasts
What’s Kay’s background?
With over 20 years of corporate experience working in the City of London to
Director level, Kay negotiated and marketed multi-million dollar insurance
contracts working for the top international insurance broker, Willis. Always
being able to express herself clearly and persuasively both in person and

in writing, Kay designed ‘blueprints’ for her team to design effective
presentations, sales letters, and events.
Working for 6 months in Paris as liaison between the two offices, Kay travelled
on business and as a Director, Kay became the ‘Go To’ person to design, craft
and present information to underwriters, clients and investors, in French and
in English!
When Kay was promoted to Divisional Director, interestingly she was told “oh, I
thought you already were a Director”. What she learned in that moment is that
the way you carry yourself, how you put yourself together and come across plays
a huge part in how people perceive you. Kay now brings these distinctions to her
clients too. As she herself says “People have to ‘see’ you in the role, ‘see’ you as
capable and how you present yourself, really present you, is crucial to your success”.
Married for 10 years, Kay and her husband live close enough to London for a
bit of ‘bright lights, big City’ when they want it and far enough away for long
countryside walks with their 3 rescue hounds.

“Well done” and “good for you”. Learning how to get noticed, how to connect
with people all day and everyday is one of the best investments you’ll ever
make in yourself and in your business life.
Knowing how to say what needs to be said, how to say it in a way that’s both
assertive and still respectful is one of the BIGGEST challenges for people in
both their careers, their businesses and—let’s be honest—in their day-to-
day personal lives. It’s often why people are ignored and overlooked. Their
intention is good, they have great things to share…they just don’t know how
to express themselves so they’re heard.
(Oh, and pssst—a savvy, secret aside to you—by grabbing this eBook and
using the tools and tips in here, you’ll start to notice that they work just as
well at home as they do at work! Children, partners, parents, friends, family.
About
Your eBook

My intention in designing this eBook for you is:
• For it to be easy to use, each chapter being useful for you in and of itself.
• It’s a place to start. By reading and absorbing these helpful, succinct
chapters and using the tips and nuggets in each one, you’ll start to notice
places to use these tips…everywhere! It’s a meal in and of itself but rather
than a main menu, it’s a sample platter. Simple dishes served up for you in
bite-sized chunks.
• By dividing it into 5 key areas, you’ll always know where you are and there are
exercises and “To Do” points for you in most chapters to get you into action.
• There is also a “Notes” page for you at the end of each chapter for your
scribbles and reminders.
Stop struggling and banging your head against the wall and start to be
heard—feel more comfortable, powerful and confident as you go about your
business. Have your say.

It’s time for you to take yourself off ‘mute’ and express yourself and power
up your communication. I mean, if not now—when?
Go and connect more comfortably with the people around you and get the
praise and recognition for it you deserve. It’s time people noticed you for the
right reasons.
Warmly to you,

Assertive is a word worth defining. Many people confuse ‘being assertive’
with ‘being aggressive’ and there’s a huge difference and I want to put this out
there for you before we go any further.
Assertive is defined as “having or showing a confident and forceful
personality”—other words close to ‘Assertive’ are:
self-confident • bold • decisive • assured • self-assured • self-possessed • forthright • firm •
emphatic • authoritative • strong-willed • forceful • insistent • determined • feisty
I define it as knowing you have a natural right to have a say, to have a voice
and—quite frankly—to not be pushed around or brushed off.
Aggressive on the other hand:
belligerent • bellicose • antagonistic • truculent • pugnacious • combative • two-fisted
• violent • macho • confrontational • quarrelsome • argumentative
You can tell the difference clearly now and it’s the difference that makes the
difference in your ‘come from’, how you think about how you communicate.
Go and be assertive, people will respect you and listen to you…they may not
always like what you say but, hey, that’s being alive for you!
1
Being
Assertive
Staking Your Claim

How and Why It’s Good To Be Direct
Do you go around the houses or beat about the bush?
It’s important to be able to be direct. There are times when it’s crucial to
be direct. There you are, I’m being direct with you. It’s got your attention,
you know what I’m saying and it’s a key piece to being a clear, confident
communicator.
We’ll start with the ‘Why’ of being direct first. I’ll be direct with you. I
promise—and before we start, being direct is very different from being rude.
That’s the key.
So many people struggle with saying what has to be said. They ‘beat about the
bush’ as we say, chatting about everything else but what they actually want
to say. We can feel they’re struggling, they can, and the longer it goes on the
harder it is for them to say what has to be said.
They put all sorts of waffle in and dilute the message…do you know what I
mean (that’s a question and an example!) Expressions like “Well, without being
funny” and “I know you might struggle with this but…”

If you think about it, more often than not, when someone’s direct with you,
it’s actually a relief. You know and understand what they’re saying, you’re able
to decide whether to take the information or their opinion on board and you
can keep moving.
I believe the struggle with being direct is two-fold. Firstly it stems from,
ultimately, fear. It’s a primal fear of rejection at the root of being unable to be
direct. Putting an opinion or instruction out and either hurting someone’s
feelings or being seen to be ‘wrong’ is scary.
The struggle is both about fear and it’s about thinking that you have to please
everyone all the time. The trick is to be able to respect the other person’s
position or point of view and still be able to put across yours. (Oh, and as we
all know, we always fail if we try to please everyone. It’s impossible.)
‘This is going off-track. We have to get those expenses down otherwise all the
budgets will be blown’. This two-sentence, direct opinion has given us everything
we need to understand that something’s going wrong, there’s a direct action and
the consequence is laid out for us if we leave things. We may not like the message,
it may not be strictly true but at least we know what the other person’s thinking.

You can imagine that these two, direct sentences could have gone like this
and, in many meetings I’ve sat through, they have: ‘Well, we’ve got to be
careful to understand how exactly the numbers are all adding up at the
moment. We’ve said it before and it’s time to say it again. If we aren’t very
strict with ourselves and what we’re spending then the whole project could
be jeopardised and then we might all be at risk of being told the budgets have
been blown and then who knows where we’ll be’. Phew, we got there. It was
painful and ‘clunky’ or bumpy to get there and—if they held our attention to
the end of it—the importance of the message has been severely diluted.
Can you see in the second version, that as well as diluting the message, there’s also
a real danger of both confusing and, crucially, boring your audience. Be it a listener,
a reader, a crowd—your audience is the person or people you’re communicating
with. You want their attention not for them to start tuning you out.
Personally, I resent spending my precious time listening to or being made to read
something that’s rambling, jumbled and woolly. My brain has enough vying for
attention and so does yours. It’s a relief when someone tells you what’s what.

Most people will love you for it. They actually want your opinion and they
can then choose whether they take your opinion on, or not. Just as you can
choose whether you take someone else’s opinion too.
There’s a handy formula—and here it is for you—to make it easier (and more
comfortable) for you to be direct.
Your opinion + Your reason + Offer a solution.
That colour is a bit drab on you. (opinion)
You look lovely in blue. (solution)
It brings out the colour of your eyes (reason).
This is going off-track. (opinion)
We have to get those expenses down (solution)
otherwise all the budgets will be blown. (reason)
It’s less about the order you express yourself and more about having these 3
key components in there. Opinion + Reason + Solution = Usefully Direct.

What to Say When All You Want To Say is “No, I can’t”
Assert yourself (and stay positive and helpful)
You can hear yourself, can’t you? You’re asked a question or someone’s asking
you to do something and all you can hear in your head is “no I can’t” or “no,
not another thing” or “no way mate!” It’s so natural to be answering the
question directly as it’s being asked, instead of taking a second to re-position
your response. It’s about saying what you can do, what you’re able to do,
what’s possible without actually saying no.
There are a myriad of ways to do this and too many to list here for you but it’s
very much part of the secret sauce of being a more savvy communicator—
being able to say “no” effectively without saying it.
One of the ways you can immediately take and use, is the “What Can I Do”
principle. Think about this scenario for a second—you’re at your desk, the
phone rings and suddenly, as the phrase goes “someone’s urgency becomes
your emergency”. Or does it have to?

Of course it’s all about context and recognizing a true jump-to-it moment
but a lot of the time the person making the request will be happy with you
saying “Ok, of course I can get that to you and I’ll send it across by 4pm” for
example. You’re acknowledging the request, you’re being helpful and you’re
saying what you can do. You don’t have to list all the things you’re doing and
all the “reasons” why you can’t do it, you just cut to the chase and say “Yes, of
course, I’ll do that for you by XYZ o’clock”. They can always come back and
tell you if that’s too long or too late but what you’ve told them by your first
response is “yes, and I’m making space for your request a bit later”.
So many people immediately say “oh, no—I’m right in the middle of XYZ and
up to my eyes in things, I can’t possibly do that too” or “Oh, ok then” and drop
what they’re in the middle of, what they’re already concentrating on, and rush
off to attend to this request.
Interestingly, it will take you even longer to complete your own piece of work
because you’ve broken off and started something else. It takes at least 5 or 6
minutes to get your brain back in tune with something you’re concentrating
on after you break off. That’s why constantly checking emails, always

answering your phone because it rings means that—as well as the physical
distraction—the mental distraction makes it take even longer for you too.
So, what will you decide to do, now?

7 Words To Raise Your Game
How using assertive language raises your visibility
There are so many ways to say something and every way means something
different to your listener as you say it. Imagine you’re in a meeting and
someone asks if anyone is able to take on a new project or put some figures
together. You think to yourself, ‘I could probably do that’ but you may sit on
that thought and say nothing and wait for someone else to offer or you may
put yourself forward. The trick here is, if you do decide to step up and offer,
it’s how you put yourself forward.
To use assertive, positive language when you’re going about your business
sends a message, very clearly, to those around you that you’re someone who
gets on with things and who can be trusted to do things.
A lot of people struggle with the difference between coming across as
aggressive instead of assertive. Assertive is ‘self-confident, self-assured, firm’
and aggressive ‘hostile, belligerent, forceful’ and there’s a different energy
about the two, of course there is.

As a savvy communicator, you’re going to be far more effective if you come
across as clear, firm and self-confident as you go about your business, rather
than belligerent or, almost worse, wishy-washy using indecisive language. It
casts doubt.
You could offer to help on this new project in so many ways and depending
on how you say it, your message lands differently:
• ‘I suppose I could do it’—I suppose meaning I might be able to, if pushed. I
could meaning I can, but I’m not saying I will.
• ‘I might have some capacity to do it’—I might doesn’t mean to say I will
• ‘I’ve got enough on my plate’—unhelpful, defensive
• ‘I’ll try to do it’—I might be able to do it but I’m not really sure I’ll be able to
• ‘Leave it with me. I’ll do it’—I’m able to do it and I will do it.
We all know which one of those simple phrases gives the most reassurance,
give the most credibility and which one you’d want to hear if you were asking
for help. There’s a completely different energy about the last phrase—you can
feel that the person saying it is capable and certain. Being more assertive as
you respond positions you with other people as someone who’s confident of

their abilities, someone who can get things done, put forward for interesting
projects, promotions, and then gets promoted or appointed with the business.
Those 7 words ‘Leave it with me. I’ll do it’ will raise your game.
Hedging your bets with wishy-washy expressions ‘might be able to’ will only
dilute how powerful you sound and put doubt in other people’s minds about
whether you will or won’t and whether you’re capable in the first place.
When you put yourself forward to do things you become someone who offers
time, help and input, and to make it most effective for you use assertive,
positive language. Leave as little doubt in people’s minds as possible.
I’ll leave that with you.

Being Assertive
Notes

Again, being seen, before we go any further—it’s worth defining what being
seen is really about.
It’s about coming up—and then staying on—people’s radar. It’s not about
sitting back and waiting to be asked to do things, to be involved in things—it’s
about coming forward and offering your input, your help, your services. So
many people tell me that they feel like they’re waiting for permission…waiting
to be asked. Well you might wait a very long time.
You need to come forward, to push yourself forward, to be seen. You can do
this in a way that feels comfortable and easy—never pushy—if you get into
the mindset that it’s actually a disservice to hold yourself back and keep things
to yourself. You’ve got value to add, ideas to share, input to offer—you could
even say you’re being selfish keeping it to yourself!
A client once told me on our first meeting together that he wanted to work
with me on ‘being able to have more impact in meetings’. He said he felt as if
he was invisible and that, by and large, he may as well be back at his desk for
all the interest others showed to him.
2
Being Seen
Showing Up on
Their Radar

Hmm—I told him “we need to get more specific. You can have more impact
in meetings by dropping your trousers!” Truly, I know I’m being cheeky here
with you but (it got your attention!) and you can drop your trousers. You and
I both know that what you really want is to be on the radar…to be valued, to
be “a mover and shaker” rather than a “wallflower”.
By understanding what ‘being seen’ or ‘having impact’ really means to you,
then you can actually make your moves, do what you need to so that you get
noticed in a way that makes sense to you.
I describe ‘being seen’ as:
• someone who is remembered, who’s ‘around’
• who’s on people’s minds when opportunities arise,
• when people are wanting someone who takes part, someone who adds value
• when they come to you for your opinion and advice…you give it freely,
succinctly and confidently…you become the ‘go to’ person for certain things.

For this to happen, I promise, you don’t have to act the clown. You do,
however, have to come forward, you do have to help people remember you so
you get noticed for the right reasons.
What are you waiting for—permission to shine? Go and give yourself
permission to shine. If not now, when?

The 5 P’s to ‘Positioning’ and Owning Your Value
Attract People, Business and Opportunity To You
The word ‘positioning’ is one that we hear a lot and that, when push-comes-
to-shove, few people really are able to define. I define ‘positioning’, in everyday
language, as putting things in the right place for other people. In a place that’s
useful for them and, at the same time, is useful and helpful for you.
If you think about positioning a picture at home, for example, you’re placing
it where it’s accessible and can be seen, it looks good in the light and yet it fits
with the décor of the room. You think about the angles and you position it
accordingly. Positioning your skills, what they do and your value, it’s the same
principle.
People need to understand what you’re going to be able to do for them, find
a use for it in their world (not just in yours) and these 5 P words will make
positioning yourself, your skills and your value easy for you:
1. Partner—your thinking comes from the angle of partnering with your
client, your colleague, your boss. How you can help and support them

with what they’re trying to achieve. An easy question to ask to get this
clear for yourself is ‘what’s your biggest challenge at the moment?’ You, as
their partner, helping to solve or master this immediately positions you as
someone on their side and not just someone ‘out to get ahead’. Using words
like ‘we, together, our, your’ positions you in a partnership role and using
their language, their abbreviations, their interests as examples, you become
their partner. Subtle and simple.
2. Powers—from the word go, you’ve thought about your own particular skill
set. Of course you have. What it is you do naturally and easily and you’ve
asked other people about it—literally, that question. ‘What is it that I seem
to do naturally and easily?’ and then you own those skills. They’re part of
your power. Your ‘Jedi skills’ if you will. Once you’ve jotted down some of
your natural skills you then make them super-powerful. Look at those skills
and ask yourself ‘What do those skills do for other people?’ For example
a skill is “I’m great with numbers”. Well, whoopy do. What does that do?
Positioning that as valuable is being able to then say, for example “I can
see angles where clients are losing money and help them stop it and save

thousands per month”. Same thing, good with numbers, huge difference in
positioning the value.
3. Possible—if you’re positioning your skills, always come from the angle of
what’s possible. Not, as so many people do, what’s impossible. “Well, I can
do XYZ but I can’t do ABC” or “well I only learnt that recently so I can’t do
it very well”. Of course you don’t over blow what you can do but what you
do is really hone in and focus on what you can do and—if you’ve got gaps—
focus on what you can do about them “and I can learn that” or “and we can
immediately bring in someone to fix that”—always angling your nose to
the ‘what’s possible’ with what you’re offering, what you’re able to do. Let
people ask you questions, avoid laying it all out there with your fears about
your gaps. You can fill them or find out how to.
4. Poise—that quiet, inner composure that gives people a sense of you
without you ‘hosing them down’ with facts, compliments and information.
It’s something we all strive for at times. When you’re seeking to attract
business, clients, an employer—to make an impression, to be remembered
and understood and to do it in a way that means you’re engaging too, is

to hold yourself upright, to offer a firm handshake, to smile and connect
and, at the same time, know that if what you’re offering isn’t a fit in this
instance, it will be somewhere else. That inner composure, inner resolve
gives you poise. Just like in the dating game, the subtle dance isn’t about
being proposed to on the first date, it’s more about a drink, a chat and then
deciding if you both want to have dinner…
5. Present—listen and keep listening, bounce back what you’ve heard,
question what you’ve heard in a curious way. Stay present. That voice—the
one we all have—that’s saying things like “oh, what are you going to say
now?” or “whoopee, I can fix that”—a powerful way you can quieten that
voice is by repeating what the person is saying to you in your head. What you
find is you have to stay present with them and as you do you’ll naturally find,
when the gap’s there, you’re able to fit what you want to say about your own
skills, thoughts, offer right in. Rather than racing off to ‘fix’, you stay in their
world—so rather than ‘pick me, pick me’ it becomes more ‘hmm, I hear you, I
think we could come up with something together. How about…’

If you use that word ‘position’ as you prepare for your meetings, interviews,
presentations you’ll always be more valuable and interesting than the ‘gung-
ho’, seat-of-my-pants kind of person who goes in thinking all about what they
want, what’s going on with them and ‘what’s in it for me?’ and tries to ram
that home. Good luck!
John Kotter, a Professor at Harvard Business School and prolific author, says
it perfectly (another P word): “Great communicators have an appreciation for
positioning. They understand the people they’re trying to reach and what they
can and can’t hear. They send their message in through an open door rather
than trying to push it through a wall”. That’s my position too; over to you for
yours now.

How to Manage Your Emails and Enjoy Your Holiday Too
part 1
It’s often the last thing on your mind and the final thing you do (if you do it
at all). The holiday time can be a frenetic build up to the last day in the office
and suddenly it’s handover time. It’s really easy to either leave this important
piece completely and ‘hope for the best’ or to do it in 30 seconds and think
it’ll be good enough.
The ‘important piece’ I’m referring to is this. How you decide (or if you decide)
to manage your emails and inbox whilst you’re on holiday.
You’ll notice I said ‘how you decide’ because it is a decision you make and it’s
one that affects the quality of your holiday and the ease of your ‘re-entry’ after
your holiday.
If you’re travelling on business it’s different. Keeping in touch via your
phone/remote email is easy enough now and a gap in timezones is usually
manageable. There are still some steps you can take to make that easier and

these are steps which buy you a huge amount of credit from those who are
emailing you.
If I ask you “What happens when you’re on your holiday, spending time with
friends and family and your emails just keep coming?” You’re most likely to tell
me one of these three responses:
• They just go into my inbox and just pile up until I return
• I keep opening them and responding to them whilst I’m away
• I go away and leave an email bounce-back for people
Well, as a savvy and influential communicator, managing your profile, your
clients, your energy whilst you’re ‘Out of the Office’ plays a big part in how
effective the holiday time is for you and how connected—or disconnected—
you feel towards your holiday companions whilst you’re away.
Let’s think about the effects of making any one of these three decisions:
“They just go into my inbox and just pile up until I return”

It’s great to leave the office and go and refresh and reboot yourself. The thing
about just leaving your inbox and walking away is the effect it has on you
whilst you’re away as you anticipate the return to “Inbox Full” or lots of repeat
messages from people wondering if you got their original message. You can
use a lot of energy even though you’re lying on a sun-bed or swimming in the
sea as you wonder about things from a distance.
“Just walk away” has great merits and it also has a price. Your clients,
customers and colleagues wonder about your commitment to them and, if
they experience you being away while leaving them ‘hanging’ until your return,
it says a lot about how you are as a person to do business with.
The essence of the thinking here is that other people follow your fortunes and
are relying on you for information, action or input. Keeping them informed
and updated buys you crucial credit from those people who may have to wait
for something because you’re away.
A simple, clear bounce-back solves this and tells the person you’ve thought
about them and catered for them whilst you’re away. The trick is what that
bounce-back says…

“I keep opening them and responding to them whilst I’m away”
Whether you’re a business owner yourself or whether you work within a
business, this is so easy to do and has as many benefits as it does drawbacks.
Obvious Benefits: you keep your email box under control; you keep in touch;
you tell people what they need and want from you; you stay in the loop; you
return from holiday and you’re up-to-date, you can ‘hit the ground running’.
Obvious Drawbacks: your mind and energy kept focusing on work-related
‘stuff’; your attention was divided a lot of the time between relaxing and
responding to your emails; people around you got less of your down-time self;
a lot of the time you could have been in the office as you notice less of your
holiday surroundings; if anything, you got irritated with your surroundings as
they distracted you.
This is a tricky one to balance. Keeping in touch and then switching off. When
you keep focusing on work and what’s going on with it, you drastically reduce
the amount of energy you rebuild whilst you’re on holiday. We all know that
changes of pace, of scenery and of thinking are the measure by which most

of us gauge our holiday. Why do you think it is so many people save up their
reading from holiday to holiday? They crave that time and space to throw
themselves into their books, hobbies, sandcastle-building…whatever it is.
If you do decide to keep opening and responding to your emails whilst you’re
away, put some structure in. Use that bounce-back and agree with yourself,
your colleagues, your family how and when you’ll read your messages. The
structure you put in will give you the freedom to enjoy the time out. Without
it you can end up being ‘business as usual’.
“I go away and leave an email bounce-back for people?”
My response to clients here is always ‘great’ and then my next question is ‘tell
me what your bounce-back says and what’s the point of it?’
I’ve seen some ‘corkers’ in my time—both received them from people and also
been shown them by clients:
• “I’m out of the office for 2 weeks”—no idea when you went, when you’re
coming back, what I should do whilst you’re away…

• “I’m on holiday, please call Ann Smith if it’s urgent”—no idea for how long,
no idea who Ann Smith is and no email or phone number for Ann Smith
(whoever she is)…
• “I’m away from the office until 1st July 2011, I’ll be in touch again then”—at least
we know how long you’re away but what do we do in the meantime?
You can get here that if you’re using the bounce-back, make it helpful, think
about who will receive it and what you want them to think about you when
they do!
As far as what I would recommend—that’s your decision. Only you know
what your holiday is for and about, what’s going on in your business and what
the point is of reading your emails whilst you’re away. A combination of 1, 2
and 3 is powerful.
I’ll set out some structure for you to slot your bounce-backs into in the next
chapter, plus how to position what you decide to do about this with your
holiday companions and work colleagues.

How In Touch Should You Be On Your Holiday?
Managing being “Out of the Office” and Your Inbox
part 2
It’s the dilemma that’s so common now—when you’re “Out of the Office”,
how “Out” of the office are you? Following on from Part 1 and the importance
of putting some helpful structure to your email ‘out of office’ bounceback, a
simple-to-follow formula of Acknowledge/Inform/Guide is useful and hits the
spot. It’s also the safest bet to show your clients, customers and colleagues
how professional, helpful and thoughtful you are.
Depending on how you’ve decided to handle being away by doing one of the
following:
• Read your emails regularly whilst you’re away, twice per day for example
• Have someone read them and then sort out the ones you need to read
when you return or
• Read them all but only when you return. You can just slot your information
in and then lean into enjoying your holiday.

Here are a few simple samples to slot your words into:
Reading your emails regularly whilst you’re away
• Acknowledge: Thanks for your message and I’m away from the office until
August X.
• Inform: I will be reading and responding to my emails in the meantime and
will do this twice per day.
• Guide: If your message is urgent and you need immediate assistance, please
email John Smith, Title, who will help you. You can email him at — or call
him on 123 456 7890. Thanks again, Your Name.
Someone reads them, sorting out the ones you need to read on your
return
• Acknowledge: Thanks for your message and I’m away from the office until
August X.

• Inform: My colleague, Jim Smith, Title will be accessing my emails during
my absence and will make sure any which need immediate attention are
handled.
• Guide: If you want to speak to Jim Smith or call him direct whilst I’m away,
he can be contacted at —– or you can call him on 123 456 7890
Read them all but only when you return
Acknowledge: Thanks for your message and I’m out-of-the-office at the
moment.
Inform: I will return to the office again on August X and in the meantime I
have no access to my emails
Guide: If you require immediate assistance, please contact Jane Smith, Title,
who will be happy to help you. You can email Jane: ——- or call her direct on:
123 456 7890. Thanks again, Your Name.
There’s always a balance to achieve and to weigh up how your emails impact on
your time away is a decision you have to make yourself. There’s always a rub.

If you decide to read them and respond to them whilst you’re away, agree
you’ll read them and respond to them for a certain period of time, say an hour,
every day at the same time. Plans can then be made around that and you can
tell people when you’ll get back to them. Managing their and your holiday
companions expectations too!
Helping yourself by discussing this first with everyone makes it easy for them
to understand and let you get on with it. Trying to do it between trips or
between meals just becomes stressful.
You may, or may not agree but this quote sums up the point here: “Time for
work—yet take much holiday, for art’s and friendship’s sake”. George de Wilde
Putting a bit of structure in place will set you free and anyway, everyone needs
some down-time, some time to reboot, so lean into a successful holiday, a
managed inbox and your art and friendships too.

If I Were 5 Years Old, What’s Going On
(and could you even tell me)?
A quick question to get to the heart of what’s going on.
This was one of a few key questions I asked a group of CEOs and senior
directors I worked with recently as we focussed on communicating with
influence. This question, as basic as it sounds, really helps people boil down
what’s actually going on and separate it from the “stuff”. It’s one of the secrets
of great communication—keeping things simple.
It took quite a bit of head-scratching (and a few laughs too) to translate some
of the expressions below into a 5 year old’s language.
Confusion and unease—not to mention boredom—is often the main result
of rambling on using a combination of too much detail AND corporate
“gobbledeegook”. Listeners/readers tune out, switch off and often miss vital
bits of information as it’s wrapped up in “blah” language—which actually
confuses the person saying/writing it too!

We worked with the KISS principle—Keep It Simple and
Straightforward. Leonardo de Vinci himself said “Simplicity is the ultimate
sophistication” and it’s true. Anyone you think of as a great speaker or
inspiring leader communicates in simple, clear, accessible language as much as
possible. Translating the “blah” language when they can.
Encouraging clients to use clearer and more “down-to-earth” language, as
part of their day-to-day emails/presentations/meeting messages is just as
important. This is one of the questions I often ask to get clients to the nub
of what’s going on. You build it up from there but it gets you to the core of
the message. If you don’t have a 5 year old in your life to use as a reference,
remember you were a 5-year old yourself!
We worked on the following expressions together and we came up with a
variety of translations for a 5 year old to understand:
• Key Performance Indicators (ways of being able to tell how you’re getting on)
• Optimisation (making the best of things)
• Strategic implementation (doing things we’ve said we will do in our plan)
• Blue-sky thinking (having big, different ideas)

Once you’ve boiled the message down to this 5 year old sort of language you
can then start building it up a bit BUT still keep the essence in there.
The group all agreed that the corporate “lingo” is necessary at times—legal
language, corporate messages that are already being used—but to use the “if I
were 5, what’s going on?” or “if I were 5, what are we talking about?” with your
colleagues, team—even clients is a really powerful question. Trust me.
I asked this question to a recently-promoted Director when he was gradually
going cross-eyed trying to explain the twists and turns in a story about his
team. Along the lines of “the KPIs are all being missed because no-one’s
interacting in a strategic way and we’re out of alignment because there’s
unrest amongst the troops”. Crikey. “Excuse me, Uncle David, if I were 5 years
old, what’s going on?” I actually said that.
After looking at me with a combination of shock and bemusement, he had
to sit for a while to be able to boil this down. I said “I don’t understand KPIs,
strategy, corporate stuff Uncle David ’cos I’m only 5”.

Finally, after quite a lot of head-scratching, we knew what was going on. He
told me “some naughty people are playing some nasty games ‘cos they think
we’re going to take their toys away”.
Try this question.
Try it on yourself if no-one else and, I dare you,
Try it with your colleagues/team/clients
You’ll help yourself AND your colleagues to get to the core of what’s going on,
and you can start to understand together from the same place. If you need
any more encouragement, try some from Albert Einstein “Everything should
be made as simple as possible, but not simpler”.

What Do You Want People to Say About You,
When You’ve Left the Room?
How to be confident and clear when talking about yourself
and the sort of person you are.
Working with a group of senior executives—all of whom were either re-
applying for their posts or going for a promotion following a management
restructure—this was a BIG question they were struggling with.
It’s expected now, when being interviewed, for everything from college and
University entrance to Board memberships to prepare a personal statement
of some form or another. We have to get across the sort of person we are, the
way we think and the things we know about ourselves. Rarely is it enough
these days to list our “Responsibilities and Achievements” like a role call.
Organisations from the solo-entrepreneur to the multi-national FTSE/Fortune
companies want to know and understand more about you, how you tick and
what you’re about.

It’s a big part of getting your message across in an interview (even, if you think
about it, on a date which is often an interview-with-dinner!)
Ask yourself “when I leave the room after a meeting, what do I want the
people still in the room to say about me?” Jot down your thoughts—at least
5 points. Then, if you really want to get clearer and more useful input for
where you are at the moment, ask 5 other people. It’s good to ask people from
different areas in your life—family, friends and of course colleagues, past and
present.
Pose them the question “when I leave the room, what do you think people say
about me and the sort of person I am?” Clients often do this via email to make
it easy. Tell your 5 people that it will really help you and then capture what
they say and compare it with what you’ve said yourself.
5 things I guarantee you:
• You’ll be surprised
• You’ll learn something about yourself
• You’ll have some different expressions/language to use

• You’ll tell the person you ask you value their opinion
• You’ll be able to describe yourself more confidently and easily.
Right, I’m leaving the room now.

Being Seen Notes

When we hear the word ‘Difficult’ we automatically say to ourselves ‘uh
oh, watch out’ and it slows us down. As a self-confessed WordNerd I really
encourage you to get under, over, around some of the words you use, hear and
react to every day. ‘Difficult’ is one of them and let’s translate it so you can
Power Up and Be Heard when having conversations like this.
‘Difficult’ is described as:
hard • strenuous • arduous • laborious • tough • onerous • burdensome •
demanding • punishing • grueling • back-breaking • exhausting • tiring • fatiguing •
wearisome • informal hellish • killing • archaic toilsome
Instead of ‘Difficult’ I use the word ‘tricky’. Tricky has a different sense,
a different energy about it…look at the Thesaurus and you can tell the
difference.
‘Tricky’ is described as:
awkward • problematic • delicate • ticklish • sensitive • embarrassing • touchy
• risky • uncertain • precarious • touch-and-go • thorny • knotty • complex •
complicated • informal sticky • hairy • dicey
3
Difficult
Conversations
They Don’t Have
to Be Difficult

You can handle ‘tricky’ things far more creatively and with far more
confidence because you immediately—just by using this word—encourage
yourself to be sensitive, to think and plan, to unravel what might be complex.
Tricky has a ‘canny, be savvy’ feel about it.
Difficult conversations is the everyday way, the ‘management’ speak of
handling tricky, sensitive, delicate conversations. They’re easier because now
you have the energy and angle to approach them. Difficult = hard. It isn’t.
With a bit of thought, it’s actually often really easy. What’s hard is avoiding
tricky conversations. It just slows you down. You have to have tricky, ticklish,
delicate conversations all the time—just power up and move through them.

Discover The Power of This Secret Website Address
How to easily tell someone what you really want to say—
without upsetting them
So often we either ask someone else—or say to ourselves –“How can I tell them
that what they’re doing really needs to be better?” or “I wish I could tell them what
I really want / think, without upsetting them”. Well, it’s easy to do just that and—
like most things that may seem a bit tricky at first—it takes a bit of practice. Once
you’ve tried it a few times and got great results; it becomes part of your toolkit.
Assuming you have a range of tools in your toolkit?
As I’ve heard said many times “if the only tool you have in your toolbox is a
hammer, then you’re going to treat everything like a nail”. Communicating and
connecting with people to get our work done, to have people take notice of us
and to keep things moving, we need a range of tools—everything from a hammer
sometimes, to a ruler, to a feather duster (and everything in between.)
The tool I’m offering you to use is a ‘made up’ website address (so no point
“Googling” it): www.ebi.ok?

It’s simple to remember; easy to use; and as a way of giving feedback it’s both
natural and easy-to-take on board.
www.ebi.ok
• www. = What Went Well
• ebi. = Even Better If
• ok = OK? Checking in.
How does this work and why is it useful? Well try this scenario for size.
Your colleague has just handed you an email they’ve drafted to send out to
one of your clients. You read it and immediately you want to say “no, you’ve
missed the point” or “it’s OK but you’ve left out the bit about XYZ”.
Put your possible response through the www.ebi.ok tool instead:
• www: “well, it reads well and you’ve got the main points we discussed in there,”
• ebi: “and if you can bring out the part about XYZ then it’ll be spot on”.
• ok: “Does that makes sense?”

Can you see, when you read it back, we’ve brought out what’s good about it
first and we’ve checked in to make sure they’ve understood. We haven’t just
gone headlong in to “point out” what’s wrong. It’s a very subtle and natural
way to say “and even better if XYZ”—you’re saying it’s already good and then
giving specific guidance to make it ‘even better’ (without diving in and trampling
all over the other person’s feelings).
That approach so often just closes the other person down—and what’s
the point of doing that, if you want the other person to work with you and
alongside you?

How to Slow Down to Speed Things Up
Save yourself time, money and energy now
People often say “it’s as if time stood still”, well, even though we both know it
doesn’t, you can make it slow down for you. I put it to you that you can slow
down to speed things up. Yes, I know—it’s a dichotomy (I had to look it up—a
polar opposite, a contrariety) to say you have to slow down to speed things
up. Well, it’s true.
So often we think we have to decide on the spot; say “yes” or “no” in the
moment and know all the answers to all the questions we’re asked. Especially
if we’re having a tricky conversation, where it’s so often the case that people
feel they have to fly through and ‘get out’ as quickly as possible. Well, we
actually make things harder for ourselves and harder on ourselves if we believe
that to be true.
One thing I’ve learned is that we think faster than we think. It’s worth saying
again to remind us both—“we think faster than we think”. Our brain processes
the question; the decision; the issue in front of us quickly. What we do is

assume that we have to always be thinking on the spot and just because we’re
asked a question we have to know the answer; respond straight away or act
immediately. Well, we don’t. Even if we do know the answer, we don’t have to
commit ourselves straight away. We can buy ourselves time and we can make
the other person wait—even if it’s for just a few seconds.
Clients say that one of the big struggles they have when they’re promoted
or as they start up their own business and take on more responsibility is the
feeling of fear of having to know all the answers; of “making the right decision
on the spot”. Well, “hello”- firstly who does know all the answers? Secondly,
who knows what the right decision is? Only time tells us that. We make
decisions taking into account what’s going on at the time; the information,
insight and instinct we have and then, we wait to find out how it pans out.
It’s liberating—certainly it is for me—to know that you don’t have to know
all the answers and you don’t have to do everything or decide everything
“now”—even if it would suit others if you did.
People waste huge amounts of time, money and energy—our three most
precious resources—by rushing in to decisions; responding to emails in a

“shooting from the fingertip” mode; diving in to tricky conversations or
situations and by being asked questions and—without a second’s thought -
blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Clearing up or back-tracking
from rushed decisions or responses just slows us down.
Here’s just 3 of the many ways to slow things down to speed things up for
yourself when you’re asked a question:
1. Repeat the question. Say it back to the person in a way that sounds
thoughtful (it is) so you and your brain can process it. It also has the added
bonus of making sure the person asking the question is actually asking what
they want. (This is a great tip for interviews by the way) “Hmmm, what do
I think about XYZ. Now that’s a good question. Well…” Can you see how
you’ve bought yourself at least 5 seconds to slow down and think about
what you’ll say—if you’ll say anything in fact. This is so easy it’s embarrassing
and we don’t do it more! Well you will now, it buys you this precious time
to think.
2. Ask the person asking what they think first. You can literally say
“hmm, now just before I tell you what I think, I’m intrigued…what do you

think?” This is especially powerful for someone working or reporting to
you—why not make them do the thinking first? What also happens here is
that you’ve told them that you will tell them ie you’ve put their minds at
rest but you want their thinking before you do. Another great one is “OK,
let’s pretend I’m on holiday and this comes up…tell me what you’d do?” By
asking this question, you’re telling them that you know they know they’d do
something…you just want to know what it is.
3. Ask another question. It sounds so elementary doesn’t it? Rather than
answer what you’ve been asked; ask a few more questions about the
background to the question to get clearer and, again, to buy you and your
brain a few more seconds before—and if—you decide to answer. So “OK,
well before I answer that, just tell me a little bit more about that: or “hmm,
let’s see—before I give you my thoughts, tell me a bit more about…”
Now that’s something to think about, isn’t it?

Are You Saying What You Mean
(or just what they think you mean)?
Try this revealing (and fun) exercise to show you how easy it is to confuse what
we think we’re saying with what others actually hear.
Sitting in a circle, everyone looked a bit apprehensively at each other and I
could virtually hear them saying to themselves “oh here we go, I’m going to
have to say something about myself and ‘share’ when I don’t want to etc”. You
know the drill.
The point of doing what we were about to do was to show why it’s so crucial
to check in with your client/customer/colleague/spouse/friend to make sure
what you think you’ve said means, (to them) what you actually said.
I asked everyone to write the word “dog” on the top of a piece of paper and
then to take 30 seconds to write as many words that sprang to mind when
they heard the word dog!

Everyone partnered up to compare notes and, without exception, we all had
many different takes on the word “dog”, ranging from “tooth check”, “hound-
dog”, “scary”, “man’s best friend”, “commitment”, “furry”, “poo-bags”.
Now if all those differing associations came from such a simple, everyday word
just think of the room for confusion when people use jargon-y, overblown,
words-for-words sake.
These days, as we’re working around the world and in quick-fire style, on
email/text/twitter etc it’s even more important to check what you mean to
say is clear—“by that I mean” or “in other words” or “you could say” are useful
little phrases to pop in.

Why “Why?” Can Trip You Up…Tread Carefully
Do you want to close the door before you’re ready?
‘Why’ is such a small and yet powerful word to notice, understand and be
aware of as you use it. Really, why?
Well, it does two things very quickly, immediately in fact. Two things you want
to avoid.
One, it sends people straight to the word “because” which is justifying their
actions/decisions and
Two, it closes down your information-gathering opportunity in the request for
“the reason”.
Let me explain. As Big Bird from Sesame Street tells us “Questions are a great
way of finding things out” and questions are crucial to us digging deeper,
connecting with people, understanding what’s going on.
The trick about “why” is the effect it has on us and, more importantly, the
effect it has on those we ask the question.

When children are growing up (and yes, we probably did it too) it’s seen as
quite cute when they ask “why?” and then you answer and then they ask
“why?” again and again and, often again. As you answer them you’ll probably
say “because” and “because” etc until eventually “because I say so!”.
Day to day, we’re constantly asking questions (well I hope you are, based on
Big Bird’s philosophy!) to find out what’s happening, what progress there is on
things, how people are, where things are etc.
Notice the difference in this situation. Imagine I was with you and asked you
what you’re up to this weekend? You tell me “oh, I’m off shopping with friends
and then on to the cinema” for example. Then I say “Oh, why are you going
to the cinema?”. You’ll say, “because XYZ film’s out and I want to see it”. It’s
an innocent enough question with, in this case, no further agenda. And yet,
you’ve justified to me “why” you’re going to the cinema. Because…and then
you’ve gone inside and thought about the reason you decided to go to the
cinema.
If I ask you the same question and when you tell me you’re off to the cinema
with friends I say to you “aah, what are you going to see?” or “who are you

going with” are much less on-the-spot questions. They seek information
not justification and when we justify ourselves we’re on the defensive, we’re
explaining the reasons as opposed to giving information, however innocent
the scenario. It’s also quite irritating to have to explain why—and here’s why.
Because we have to take a position and the question implies some judgment
behind it.
Now this is the powerful bit. Take this scenario to the workplace, or to a home
life discussion about something that has some emotion attached to it, “why
did you do that?”, “why haven’t you done that?” “why are you going there?”
and you’re immediately putting the other person on the back foot, defending
their decision or their position. That’s the moment when you close the door
on more information, often before you’re ready.
It’s one of the many small words that make a BIG difference in our day-to-day
conversations and directly affect the reactions and responses we get. Working
with a Board of Directors recently discussing this very word, they all had an
“aha” moment and something useful and simple to take and use straight away.
The trick is we don’t know until we know, do we?

Try it out with someone as an experiment and get his or her feedback from the
experience. They’ll tell you why they prefer one question to the other, because
you’ve asked for a bit more information as opposed to put them “on guard”.
By the way, you’ll be able to read more about this in the Bonus Resource
section. The chapter from my book “Q is for Questions” gives you the great
questions to ask and which ones to use and when.
‘It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question’.
—Decouvertes (the Romanian who became a famous French playwright)

Whose Glasses Are You Wearing?
And Do They Suit You?
“Oh, it’s so obvious, what you want to do is, blah blah”. “Well, what you should
do is xyz”. We’ve all done it, said it and been told it, haven’t we? ”What you
need to do is” or “What you should do is” etc. Well, in fact, what we should do
most of the time is ask a question vs tell our friends/colleagues/family what it
is they should do.
Hmm—not always easy I know. Time is short and it seems quickest to just tell
as opposed to ask but just think about when someone last said to you “now,
it’s obvious, what you should do is xyz” and I bet you there was a part of you
that was thinking “grrr, how do you know what I should do?” Imagine if you
went to the Optician and explained that you’re finding it a strain to read close
work these days or that you can’t see the bus even when it’s at the stop—bus,
what bus? After listening to you for a couple of moments, the Optician says
“aha, you should try these” and takes off their glasses and hands them to you
saying “now then, these work a treat for me, really great. Use these and you’ll
see much better. I know I do”.

Steven Covey uses this example in his brilliant book “The 7 Habits of Highly
Effective People” and in the chapter entitled “Seek First to Understand” he
poses the question—Whose Glasses Are You Wearing? It’s good to question
yourself before you decide if the advice you’re given, however well-meaning,
fits for you—especially if the advice-giver is less than a great example of a
success in this area themselves! Hmm, sound familiar?
Good old questions generally help people so much more than dishing out
advice ”tell me a bit more about that” or “what else have you noticed?” or
“when did it start?” etc. This is also a nicer way of being in the world rather
than being a Quick Fixer” or—even worse—an Out-Trumper ”well if you think
you’ve got a problem, try this for size”—someone who tries to out-trump you
with their problems! Crikey, no thank you.
There’s always a rub, though. At a party recently, after asking a chap (who shall
remain nameless but let’s just call him Hugh R Dull) a number of questions
about himself and his connection to the host, his career etc—after about
20 minutes of centre-stage droning on about himself and telling me what I
‘should’ do, I finally asked him “so Hugh, what would you like know about

me?”—he was, momentarily, stumped. Result. Not for long however but long
enough for me to say—“oh, and Hugh, is that the time? I must go and top up
my glass”.
The lesson here for us is, for us to be heard, we must think of a conversation a
bit like a tennis match. Back and forth over the net. Not just like one of those
tennis machines that fires balls at a player…there has to be interaction.
If you find yourself trapped with a Hugh R Dull-type, when there’s a slight
pause, say the word “So”—so is a natural ‘bridge’ to something else. It will tell
the other person that you’re shifting gears. “So, I’m sure you’ll want to chat
with other people here so I’ll leave you to it and it’s been great meeting you
and now it’s time to meet other people too”. This is a truly easy, respectful and
comfortable way of saying “I’ve been here long enough, I’m exiting now”.

Difficult
Conversations
Notes

To be able to ‘influence’ things is to be able to have an effect, to make
something happen—and the secret here is that more often than not, it’s
making something happen without directly telling someone to do it.
This is a big chunk of your eBook, the biggest in fact. When you understand
and use your influence to get things done (as opposed to your force) it’s as if
the sun comes out. This is where the ‘Jedi’ piece comes in. It’s almost magical.
We all know that if someone tells “what you should do is…” or “do this and then
do that” we feel a form of resistance. We all like to do things because we want
to do them—not because someone else told us to.
Again, to get behind the word ‘Influence’ is to understand that it means ‘the
capacity to have an effect on the character, development, or behavior of
someone or something, or the effect itself’.
The capacity to have an effect. Hmmm—this is where the savvy part comes
in. You don’t necessarily have to do anything or say anything specific, you just
have to give other people what they need to either act—or stop—and they’ll
4
Influencing
Skills
Your Jedi Mastery…
When Your Rubber
Meets the Road

do it themselves—more easily, more quickly and, most importantly, because
they want to.
A lot of people come to me saying ‘I want to be more influential’—and just
like the word ‘impact’—you have to understand the actual word, its energy,
the ‘what are you doing when you’re being influential’ part.
You’re having an effect. You’re making things happen and being part of things
but you’re not always banging the drum and telling people.
The first thing I encourage clients to do when we start working together is for
them to read Influence: The Science of Persuasion by Dr Robert Cialdini. We then
work together on precise ways to apply these principles in your language, your
emails, your day-to-day conversations.
As a Starter Kit eBook, here are the principles for you and the chapters
following lay out a few examples of how these principles play out. Do buy Dr
Cialdini’s book as well. It’s a game-changer.

Dr Cialdini lays out clearly the 6 principles of influence which, once you really
get them, you’ll notice everywhere. You’ll start to notice how you’re influenced
by them and how you can start to use this way of thinking to get people into
action and listen to you.
To give you a flavour—and I do encourage you to grab the book and dive into
it—Robert lays out these 6 key principles which inspire or ‘influence’ people to
do—or not do—things. All the time.
1. Reciprocation
2. Consistency & Commitment
3. Liking
4. Authority
5. Social Proof
6. Scarcity
Whilst I encourage you to grab a copy of the book, here are the long and short
of the principles for you:

Reciprocation—when someone has either done something or given you
something (time, attention, money…something physical) you are compelled
to want to reciprocate in some way. You want to do the same for them, to
help them in some way. The essence being that if you want someone to do
something for you, do something for them first. Offer to help, first.
Consistency & Commitment—people like to do what they say they’ll do. If
you can get someone to commit to saying they’ll do something—you need to
wait for them to say it. “So what will you do now?” then wait. More power and
influence if they tell you what will happen than if you tell them what you think
they’ll do.
Liking—People are naturally drawn to people they like. We’re all more likely to
help someone who we like or someone we know likes us. Who are you most
likely to recommend to someone—someone you like of course, someone you
respect or who you know likes you.
The liking part also plays out in that we like people like us.

People who are like us, who have things in common with us, they also
influence us because we work out that they have similar circumstances and
choice—they have children like us or they have dogs like we do or they work
where we do, they drive the same car as us, they know people we like—well
these all influence us in how we choose.
Authority—We’re naturally influenced, drawn to, respectful of people in
positions of authority. Now the authority may be that they’re seen as an
expert in something, it may be that they wear a uniform and represent
‘authority’ eg a Policeman, Doctor, Judge or have a title such as Professor, Lord,
Your Highness! We are naturally respectful and give them authority, a sense of
“if they say it, it must be true” if you will.
Authority can work in the celebrity world too—if, say, Madonna or Brad Pitt
go to a place on holiday, wear a certain brand of something, exercise in a
certain way—we assume that they can vouch for, recommend, this because
they have so much choice and opportunity and ‘if it’s good enough for them,
it’s good enough for me’. Think how powerful that is for advertisers to know.

We buy (or they’ll think we’ll buy) or do (or not do) because the ‘Authority’
person is recommending it.
Social Proof—such a powerful principle. When you see or notice someone
doing something, buying something, looking at something—especially if it’s
more than one person, let alone a crowd—then you’re influenced to do the
same. Look, buy, do, whatever. It’s the ‘power of the crowd’ effect. That’s why
if we come around the corner and a group of people are looking up in the air,
we will. “What do they know that I don’t?” “What am I missing that they know
about?” It’s so powerful and it affects us every day.
Scarcity—“This is the last principle for you”. “There aren’t any more after
this one”. “Grab it while you can, we’re running out”. Can you get just how
powerful limiters are? Limiters (or scarcity factors) are made up of either
• time (last few days, last 24 hours, for one week only, today’s price)
or
• opportunity (last seat, only 2 spots remaining, the last ever time on tour,
never at this price again)

You’ll see these signs and words everywhere. It’s one of the most used and
time-tested ways to bring you to a decision.
We’ll be influenced by these 6 principles today, tomorrow, forever. It’s OK, we
just need to know about them. Then we get to choose whether we allow them
to influence us—and how we influence other people with them.

Are You “Should-ing” All Over Everyone?
3 Easy Ways for People to Take On Your Advice
“Now, what you should do is…” “Well, it’s obvious, you should do this, then
you should do that and then you should tell them you’ve done it”.
Should do. What you should do and what you want to and actually do are
often very different things entirely. Even if the advice we’ve been given is spot
on, the fact that we’ve been told we ‘should’ do it is often the very reason we
don’t. So if that’s the reaction we have, it’s the reaction that others will have
when we ‘should’ all over them.
There’s something innately irritating to be told we should be doing something.
It implies—this is the subtle, savvy part to understand—it implies that
we’re not doing something and that the other person is wiser that we are.
It’s implicit that we’ve missed a trick and they haven’t. That they know
better exactly what will work for us. Well, in reality, we know best—better
than anyone—what works for us and as we all know, making a decision
ourselves and then sticking to it is always more powerful than carrying out

other people’s advice or instructions. We own the outcome and, as such, are
responsible for the result. (Or, in this case, response-able).
Oneofthebigpiecesofbeinganinfluentialcommunicatorasyouworkisputting
acrossyourideas,suggestions,oradviceandlettingtheotherpersondecidefor
themselveshow,andif,itwillworkforthem.Itthenbecomestheirdecision,their
action.Thisprincipleappliesjustaseffectively,ifnotmoreso,athomewithourfamilies
andfriends—andofcourse,includingthosetrickiestofcustomers,yourchildren!
So, how do you get across your idea, suggestion, advice without saying “what
you should do is” or “I think you should…”?
Here are 3 quick and easy ways which work, for you to try out:
Start with “I’ve got an idea for you”—this way you’re putting out that it’s
only an idea and it’s for you to contemplate and understand if and how it will
work. By saying “I’ve got” you’re telling the other person “OK, I’m ready with
something that I think you’ll want but it’s up to you what you do with it”.
Say “Can I make a suggestion here?”—again, you’re putting across that
you have something to offer and you want to get their buy-in before you

just throw it at them. 9 times out of 10, if you’ve read the situation and your
relationship correctly, the other person will say “yes please”.
Think aloud—“hmmm, that’s tricky, now I wonder if…”—you can hear (and
feel) that you’re firstly empathising that they have an issue or something tricky
going on ie, they’re not an idiot—and saying “I wonder if” is a pensive, non-
confrontational way of offering your thought or suggestion.
As with all of the 3 ideas above, avoiding the ‘should’ word once you start with
these phrases is crucial. Remember, by offering your thoughts in a less fixed
way, you leave the other person open to taking on what you think but without
your judgement (intentional or otherwise) behind it.
So, can I make a suggestion here? Try these phrases on for size the next time you
feel yourself about to say “well, you should” or “oh, it’s obvious, what you should
do is…” You’ll notice the difference in how easily the other person/s take on what
you think and if they ignore you then at least they know you contributed your
thoughts. As is always the case—they have two choices. Take it. Or leave it. I bet
they’ll take it more often than not, if you don’t ‘should’ on them.

Do You Know How Valuable You Are?
Owning the value of the difference you make.
That expression ‘talk is cheap’ is a powerful one. The idea that words mean less
than actions was the intention of this expression but in actual fact, talk can
be expensive, it can be valuable, it can be discounted and it can also be cheap.
It depends on the words you use and the value you attach to yourself, your
subject and the value you attach to what you do, as you talk about it.
It’s one of the big dilemmas people face when asking for a salary raise, telling
a client the investment to work with you, going for a promotion, preparing
for an interview. Understanding and owning their value. That word value: ‘the
regard that something is held to deserve; the importance or preciousness of
something’.
How do you describe the ‘importance or preciousness’ of what you do when
you’re discussing your role or what you actually do in your business?
Do you talk about your day-to-day actions for example, how many people you
contact, how many calls you make, how many emails you send? Or, do you

talk about the difference you make, the importance or preciousness of what
you do and—crucially—what ‘what you do’ does? That’s where the magic is.
That’s where the value is. It’s not about what you do—the value is found in
the outcome, the result of what you do.
OK, so here are a few quick and dirty examples of the difference between
what you do and what it does—it’s easy to spot where the value is:
• Do you “manage a team of 30 people in an energy company” or do you
“lead a team of 30 people who save £/$ millions in wasted energy for our
customers”?
• Do you “make hundreds of calls a week trying to attract new customers”
or do you “save our company £/$ thousands in marketing by speaking to
potential customers and making sure they’re a fit for our business”?
• Do you “make sure all our clients get updated information about what we
do” or do you “build relationships with our clients which mean they keep
doing business with us”?

• Do you “own a consultancy business servicing the insurance industry” or do
you “save the insurance industry £/$ hundreds of thousands by taking on
their risk servicing needs”?
• Do you “do all the admin needs of busy entrepreneurs” or do you “enable
busy entrepreneurs to focus on the business of their businesses whilst I
cover all their day-to-day admin needs”?
And, it’s the difference that makes the difference if you’re promoting yourself,
your business, your work—it’s about the value or worth attached to what you
actually do. So let’s make sure we talk about it—talk is valuable.

How to Get Your Emails Opened
Grab them by the eyeballs!
Which email would you rather open first ‘More Bad News’ or ‘Quick Update
on XYZ for You’? What about ‘Tax Time Again’ or ‘Ways to Save You Money’?
Which is more persuasive, more influential? You know of course. So do I.
Emailing. It’s such a key piece in our day-to-day lives. We fire a quick email
response off or “shoot from the fingertip” and it’s so easy to forget that we’re
not top of the list for the person receiving it. They, like us, have loads of things
clamouring for their attention. So how do we stay on their radar—how do we
help them to help us by opening our messages and acting on them?
First off, by grabbing them ‘by the eyeballs’ and making our email title
interesting and compelling.
‘Quick question’ is a great one. If it is a quick question, say it is. Put it in the title.
Another one is ‘You’ll know the answer to this one’. People love to know
that you think they’ll know and, in general, we all like to help each other.

‘Just found this out’—if you have, say it in the title. New information is always
interesting and if you have some, say so.
‘Only 2 days to go’—if there’s a time constraint or deadline you’re all working
on, put it out there in the title.
‘An opportunity for you’—again, if it is, say so. You know yourself you’re
more likely to open this one than if it was titled ‘Learning and Development
Plans’. Blah.
Working with clients on how to be more engaging, how to grab and keep
attention, this is such a key piece. You may have the hottest news, the greatest
opportunity, the most important instruction but if your email is scanned
along with the hundreds of others and left until later—or never—then, so
what? Some people don’t even put a title in the subject line and that’s close to
asking to be ignored.
So how do you decide on the title? By stopping for a second and considering
what will compel or attract the person on the receiving end of your
message. Consider what your reader wants or what they want to avoid.

Email is an amazing tool, so useful, simple and helps us keep in touch, get
information across the world in a second. It’s also a great way to really upset
and confuse people. The language you use, the layout, the sign off, all these
pieces are key to getting your message across in a way that works for you, that
helps you to be understood and gets you the response or reaction you want.
The first step is to get your email opened.

How to—and How Not To—Connect and Compel As You Write
Think about how you write. Think about how you think about other
people as you write—if you think about other people as you write?
It’s one of the easiest things to do—just quickly type or write what you ‘think’
needs to be said and give a ‘tip of your fingertip’ response and assume that
the other person/s will work it out. Well they may—and they may also get
confused, upset, hurt or just ignore your message.
As successful business people, everyday we’re writing—emails / promotional
material / website updates / reports / executive summaries / slides / letters.
I’ve noticed something that really jumps out and it’s something you can
easily take notice of as you write. People think that because they’re writing
something it has to be written in a more formal, often ‘wooden’ style
just because it’s in writing. Well it does—and it doesn’t. If you want to be
persuasive, to get people to respond to you and your message, you need to
‘speak’ to the reader in your writing. It’s about getting inside their heads in fact.

Context is everything—most of the things we send out day-to-day can be
written in a style closer to how you speak. Now you may speak in a “To Whom
It May Concern” and “Notwithstanding the aforementioned” kind-of way. Well
good luck if you do. I also understand that we still need to be respectful and
make sure all the ‘meaty’ information is in there.
Most of the time, if you write letters, emails, website and marketing
documents in this style then you’ve lost the reader at ‘Hello—or, if that’s your
style, then you’ve lost them at “To Whom It May Concern”.
Something happens when someone starts to write, that often sends them in
to using ‘you are’ instead of ‘you’re” and ‘we’re’ becomes ‘we are’—it becomes
more formal and less compelling because of it. Also, the crucial connecting
words of you, your, our, suddenly turn into me, my, I, us and ‘we’. The readers
feel excluded or talked-down-to or bored (or all three!)
I put it to you, if you can hold a conversation, if you can get your point across
as you speak, chat—then you can write in the same way, there’s a style you
have that’s yours and that’s how you can write. It is far more compelling to
your reader than all the ‘stuffy’ stuff.

How can you do this easily? Here’s how:
The great investor Warren Buffet of Berkshire Hathaway is renowned (apart
from his billions of dollars) for putting together Annual Reports for his
company investors which are easy to read and easy to understand.
As he says himself, there has to be a formal layout in certain sections but in
the parts where he tells the reader about developments, he writes as if he’s
speaking to his sisters. He says they’re intelligent but are no experts in finance
or accounting—“I don’t need to be Shakespeare; I must, though, have a sincere
desire to inform”.
• Who can you use in your head to speak to as you write? A client you know
well, a friend of yours who’s interested in what you do, your partner or
sibling? Just write it out as if you were chatting to them so you get it out of
your head, then you can tweak and adjust to make sure you’ve got your point
across. The key is to get it out of your head in a conversational way first.
• Think about what you’d want to read and the way you’d like to read it as if
you were on the receiving end—what’s the difference?

• Watch out for too many I, I, me, my—notice how you can flip them and
make them your, you, you’re, our. It’s far more engaging to read and it helps
you get into that crucial groove of thinking about the other person and
what it is they want. Less about you, more about them.
• Notice how you’re drawn in to certain people’s writing or companies’
websites and the effects they have on you; writing more like you speak and
less like a competitor for the Formal Writing Trials, will mean more people
read and connect with what you write and, the crucial bit, respond to you
and what you write. Write on.
RSVP, the French expression, Repondez s’il vous plait, meaning “Reply if you please”.
Well, to get someone to respond is to get them engaged and to get them
engaged is to speak to them about themselves. Remember, there’s WII FM,
that radio station—What’s In it For Me? The wavelength everyone’s naturally
tuned in to. Tune in to that and then write as you’d speak. Over and out!

What’s Your “Unfair” Advantage?
(and do you even know about it, let alone, are you letting it help you?)
Talking about turning lemons into lemonade, this was a great question asked
by my American friend and colleague, Star Ladin, of www.starmarketingmedia.
com. As a branding expert Star is always looking for, and thinking about, your
special edge/gift/angle for your business and then how this links with you,
your business and product.
Working with people who want to be seen and heard at work, this is one of
the first places I start with them—“what is it about you or what has happened
in your life that you’ve struggled with?” The reason I ask this question is that
it’s often exactly these sorts of things that actually make us who we are and—
if we recognise them—become an “unfair” advantage to us. People want to
know a bit about you, the personal side of you. You connect so much quicker
if you’re prepared to share a bit and to have your ‘Unfair’ Advantage clear
As soon as I read it Star’s question, I knew what my “unfair” advantage is.

Being 6ft tall since I was 14. Growing up I was often teased and asked “what’s
the weather like up there Lurch?” and “is there enough oxygen up there for
you?” oh, and one of the best ones can still be “Ooooh, aren’t you tall?”—I’d
often (and still do) say “oh, thank you for telling me, I hadn’t noticed!” In my
teens, I used to get to parties and immediately take my shoes off saying my
feet hurt. In reality, I wanted to be smaller, to blend in more.
Now I recognise being tall means I’m noticed, I’m remembered and often when
growing up, was assumed to be either older or wiser (or both!) than I was. My
height gives me a natural presence, which, in business just as in life, helps. I
had no choice; I was—and still am—6ft and the choice was always how I deal
with it—what I make it mean to me.
It could have been easy to have slouched, to have tried to hide it by wearing
flat shoes all the time but actually, I really like being tall and wear high heels
when I want to—oh, and I’m married to someone a fair bit shorter than
me. So what? It’s all about your perception and how you perceive your “unfair”
advantage.

I’ve asked a few other people recently, just off the cuff, what they’ve struggled
with and now could be their “unfair” advantage. They’ve all been able to tell
me what theirs is.
• One friend—“Being Scottish—I’m remembered, I’m different and people
like my accent”.
• Another—“My dyslexia’s made me be so much more creative”.
• My husband, Snowy—“My dad dying when I was so young helped me know
how to look after myself and appreciate how hard my Mum worked”.
Think about your “unfair” advantage. What is it that’s shaped you and how do
you allow it to positively influence your life? If it doesn’t, how could it? What
could you make it mean?
A great way to find out if you don’t instinctively know is to ask 3 different
people who know you well. Literally ask them “what do you think is my unfair
advantage” and just stop and listen to what they say. Often they’ll all come up
with the same thing, my friends all did. Others often see—and appreciate—
things in us, or about us, that we don’t.

When you become clearer about this, recognising if and how you allow it to be
your “secret sauce” is a BIG part of communicating who—and how—you are,
everywhere, you are.
As we all know, how you put yourself across is a key part in how others
respond to you and what you’re noticed/known and remembered for. Be
prepared to be personal. It’s less about ‘moaning’ about what happened in
the past and more about embracing the challenges you’ve faced and using the
learning and strength you have to help you get your message across. It works. I
know it does.
So, just so you go and think about it—what’s your unfair advantage, your
‘secret sauce’ if you will, and where will you sprinkle it now?

Influencing
Skills Notes

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