2. AGENDA
0Surface Revision: Essay #2
0Discussion: QHQ SBB
0In-class writing: SBB

4. Wordiness
A sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains
only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.

5. Nonessential Word
Categories:
• Deadwood
• Utility Words
• Circumlocution

6. Deadwood Examples
Unnecessary • Wordy: There were
phrases that many factors that
take up space
influenced his decision
and add nothing
to meaning. to become a teacher.
• Concise: Many factors
influenced his decision
to become a teacher.

7. • Wordy: They played a softball
game that was exhausting.
• Concise: They played an
exhausting softball game.
• Wordy: It is expensive to
upgrade computer systems.
• Concise: Upgrading computer
systems is expensive.

8. Some familiar expressions
that are Deadwood
• I feel
• I think
• It seems to me
• All things considered
• Without a doubt
• It is important to note
• In my opinion
• The reason why
• In conclusion

9. Deadwood distracts and annoys the
reader and weakens your writing style.
• Hint: omit the filler phrases "it
is," "there is," and "there are" at
the beginning of sentences;
these often delay the
sentence's true subject and
verb.

10. Utility Words
Fillers that contribute
nothing to a sentence.

11. Examples of Utility Words
to Eliminate or Replace
Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree
• Thing (something, • Basically
anything, everything)
• Very
• Situation
• Kind
• Definitely
• Type • Quite
• Aspect
• Sort
• Area

12. Circumlocution
• Problem: Taking a roundabout way
to say something (using ten words
when five will do) is called
Circumlocution.
• Remedy: Instead of using
complicated phrases and rambling
constructions, use concrete, specific
words and phrases and come right to
the point.

13. Omit "which" or "that”
when possible.
• Wordy: Because the fluid, which
was brown and poisonous, was
dumped into the river, the
company that was negligent had
to shut down.
• Concise: Because the brown,
poisonous fluid was dumped into
the river, the negligent company
had to shut down.

14. Punctuation
Using commas and semi-colons

22. Checking the Details

23. Miscellaneous Questions
0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?
0 Is the page length within assigned limits?
0 Is the font type and size within the assigned
guidelines?
0 Does the Header or Footer follow the assignment
guidelines?
0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Palmore
0 Is your name spelled correctly?
0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the
title in the appropriate location?

24. Writing Tips
0 Write about literature in present tense
0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0 Avoid writing in second person.
0 Avoid using contractions.
0 Cut Wordy Sentences
0 Fix run-on sentences
0 Check for misused words

25. A Work in an Anthology,
Reference, or Collection
0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or
anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this
sort of citation is as follows:
0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.
Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.
Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
0 Example:
0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A
Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.
Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.

26. An Article in a Scholarly Journal
0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.
0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.
Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.
0 Example: Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting
Nationalisms: The Voice of the Subaltern in
Mahasweta Devi's Bashai Tudu." Tulsa Studies in
Women's Literature 15.1 (1996): 41-50. Print.

27. Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original
publication if applicable). Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication:
Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
Langston Hughes
“Passing”
The Ways of White Folks
New York
Vintage 1990 1934
No Editor in this case
Pages 51-55
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year): pages.
Medium of publication.
Randall Kennedy
“Racial Passing”
Ohio State Law Journal
Volume 62
Issue 1145
2001
1-28
Print

28. QHQ
Stone Butch Blues
Discussion

29. “My parents were enraged that life “Days after I was born the
had cheated them. They were furious grandmother knocked on our door
that marriage blocked their last again, this time because my cries
opportunity to escape. Then I came alarmed her. She found me in the
along and I was different. Now they bassinet, unwashed. My mother
are furious with me.” admitted she was afraid to touch
me, except to pin on a diaper or
stick a bottle in my mouth” (14).
0 This sentence shows 0 My goodness, first of all that is just
downright heart wrenching. The
that the narrator has a authors way of illustrating these
very tough childhood. images is quite defined. This
In fact, life is never easy quotation was an example of how
her family and society treated her
to her. After knowing from day one. She was not treated
how tough her as she deserved, and have the
childhood is, I can feel freedom to be who she wanted to
be, nor did it seem as though much
the bitter in her heart love was felt; it’s like she accepted
when she decides to the hard fight from the start. She
pass. I feel powerless even took this memory
when I read this story. nonchalantly.

30. "Crow, are you a boy or a girl?"
"Caw, Caw!" (17).
0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the
character goes through just because he/she is
different. Difference is not coped with well in society
so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it
because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we
are doing the person who is being treated badly. The
character never had the courage to stand up to the
people that kept asking him/her the question which I
wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more
confident about who he/she is.

31. 0 This spoke to me because I can
kinda see why Jess likes this poem.
The poem explains the segregation
she's felt from “hir” […] parents
0 “From childhood’s hour I have not been even when Jess was a child. Jess
As others were – I have not seen continues to see other people fit
As others saw – I could not bring into society when she couldn’t
My passions from a common spring. figure out how to fit in herself. I
From the same source I have not taken then think ze talks about how other
My sorrow; I could not awaken people can’t seem to even feel hir
My heart to joy at the same tone; sorrow because ze has no one who
And all I lov’d, I lov’d alone.” understands how ze actually feels.
There is no one at this point in time
she can connect and relate too. The
last line spoke to me the most. “And
all I Lov’d, I lov’d alone” I interpret
this as a statement where ze wants
to find someone to love or someone
to care for hir, to feel the warmth of
someone's kindness, yet she's all
alone.

32. “I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups
wanted, so they would love me. I followed all their rules, tried my best to
please. But there was something about me that made them knit their
eyebrows and frown. No one ever offered a name for what was wrong
with me. That’s what made me afraid it was really bad. I only came to
recognize its melody through this constant refrain: ‘Is that a boy or a
girl?’” (Chapter 2, page 13)
0 I think these few lines stood out to me the most in
Stone Butch Blues because it identified how much she
wanted society to accept her, and for her to just be
normal. It makes me realize that we all have a lot
more in common than we share with one another.
Also, I just think this shows that she can have fear in
her, and likely very anxious as well.

33. “Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I
finally began to agree they were right” (23)
I felt sentimental as I read this
There is a lot of hurt behind these because been different doesn’t
words. This is more than just make us inferior, it simply means
admitting someone was hurting we are distinguishable, and
them, this was her accepting what unique.
society thought and said about
her. This was acceptance of the
fact that society perceived her
behavior and feelings as “wrong.”
This quote just goes to show how
much power societal pressures
have over us, even our perception
of ourselves. It’s striking… and a
little scary.

34. “I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from
me, staring. I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains
on my skirt and blood and slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get
out of here, you little whore,’ coach Moriarty ordered.”
This stood out to me the most because of what coach says
to her. It makes me wonder what he thought happened on
the field. Did he know she was raped and not care, or did
actually think she was a whore and it was something she
wanted? It infuriates me how he doesn’t take any action
towards helping her or even finding out what happened.

35. “Mrs. Noble squeezed my arm as I passed, and
when I looked up I saw she had tears in her
eyes”(37)
0 This sentence appealed to me the most because I felt
like it was Jess’s first time being acknowledged by
somebody. Someone can actually “see” Jess with no
criticism of Jess in the teacher’s eyes.

36. “Whatcha doing?” Rachel asked me again. Her lip
trembled.
“Shhh, don’t cry,” I told her. I gave her a hug. “I’m
running away from home.”
She shook her head. “You can’t,” she said.
I nodded my head. “I gotta try. I’m going crazy here.”
I felt scared for her here because what she was doing was crazy.
I have heard many stories about people running away, and it
always does not end well. I am concerned for her, and I wonder
what she might do and if she will be all right. What makes the
situation worse is that she does not have an idea of where she is
going to go, and women in general have a higher risk of being
raped, so I hope she is careful.

37. “Strong to my enemies, tender to those I loved and
respected. That’s what I wanted to be” (34).
0 I found it interesting how Jess was constantly battling
internally. In order to survive hir lifestyle Jess has to
somehow be hard and unemotional yet at the same time
tender. It is sad to me that Jess can’t simply be who ze is
because if Jess did allow herself to be soft-hearted than ze
would most likely be ruined emotionally by the negative
events that seemed so inevitable. I also found it interesting
when Jess was speaking with Jacqueline and Jacqueline
expressed that it was somewhat selfish for her to want Al
to be tender despite all of the pain Al was forced to deal
with constantly.

38. “For the first time I might have found my
people. I just didn’t know how to penetrate
this society.”
0 This showed me how out of place she was and how
she kept digging to find a place to fit in, but when she
did she didn’t know how to interact with them, she
just seemed socially damaged.

39. “When I came into the bar in drag, kind of hunched over they told me,
‘Be proud of what you are,’ and then they adjusted my tie sort of like you
did” (Feinberg 7).
0 Although these few lines were presented in the very beginning of
the novel, I believe that it stood out the most because, so far,
reading the story it teaches the reader that being of a different
sexual orientation may have its disadvantages, but it is who you
are and it should not matter what other people think of you. Also,
I believe that this quote stood out to me because I have a cousin
who is lesbian and although our family members think it is “not
normal” to be gay, her cousins including me have always told her
to be proud of who you are because the person you are is what
God created; He made no mistakes, whatsoever. Lastly, this quote
can teach others to be proud of the person they are as whole
because each person is different in his or her way. In other
words, each person is unique and he or she should be proud of
that.

40. “Al wanted me to hit the woman, to defend my honor. I
couldn’t think of any woman in the room I would want to
hit, except maybe myself. I had no honor to defend.” (51)
0 This stood out to me because it expresses the helpless
feeling of being a special class in the society which is
not easily accepted. The sentence “I had no honor to
defend” shows how self-abased ze was. […] She
deserved a better treatment.

41. “You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like a
guy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up her
shirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HE
grabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).
0 This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of
actions described in this book I would call inhumane.
How could officers of the law, people whoa re to
protect and server, able to treat someone like this? A
giant violation of rights and body.

42. “I felt woozy with fear. It reminded me of when my parents had me
committed, or the cops opened my cell door. So many people in the
world had so much power to control and hurt me. I shrugged as though
it wasn’t important to me”(Feinberg 93).
0 This quote at this point in the story showed me that
she was harboring so many demons from her past.
Her “stone” attitude comes from so many terrible
situations. The way Jess just shrugs it off as if it
doesn’t matter also shows her attitude. I figured she
would be upset or furious but instead she acted as
though she didn’t care. The anxieties of those
situations from her past still haunt her and it shows
how many times she has been violated. I figured she
would have been more upset by this point in the story
with her experience but she still just lets it happen.

43. “ Guess the street makes us old before our time,
huh, kid?’ (118)
0 This is hurtful to read. It made me angry! What is life
without been a kid first? it made me sad that they had
to grow up before their time just because society fails
to realize their differences. And instead of
encouraging who they wanted to become, rather they
made life a living mess for them. pathetic!

44. “Baby, I’m sorry they hurt you. But more than anything, I’m
sorry you got no place to go with it” (122).
0 so often people are being abused, picked on, and even
oppressed. But what makes them more vulnerable is
the lack of guardianship and counsel. They are left to
handle the situation by themselves, which makes
them more susceptible. And they are not comfortable
enough to talk about their feelings and it doesn’t get
any better than way.

45. “I went to the window and looked out over the mounds of snow,
wishing I could do everything in my life once as practice and then go
back and do it again.” (102)
This quote stuck out to me because I feel as though
everyone can relate to it. We all do something in I like this quote. We like
life which makes us wish wish that we hadn’t done believing that if we had a
it. I’m sure everyone knows at least one moment in choice to do our lives over
their life where they messed up, and would do and make all the “right”
anything possible to go back and change it. If life choices life would be better.
wasn’t so hard, we wouldn’t make mistakes, and But aren’t the mistakes we
make what make our
everything would be perfect. However, through
stronger and teach us and
every mistake, even the really bad ones, we learn make us who we are?
and grow. So, even though we all wish we could go
back and change things in our lives, it is those
experiences which make us who we really are.
This quote served as a reminder that everyone
makes mistakes, and it’s what we do with those
mistakes which make us who we are.

46. “Things don’t change back,” [Theresa] sighed, “they
just keep changing” (Beginning of chapter 13).
0 This line caught my attention the moment I read it. Nothing in life is
constant. This is something that’s hard to grasp as a child, but as you
grow older these words begin to resonate with you. You’re never the
same person you were back when you were a child. You’re growing
and changing as you constantly interact with the environment around
you. This concept also applies to the people you meet and the friends
you make over the years; they come and go. Oftentimes good, lifelong
buddies stick around, but the relationship you had when you were
both thirteen isn’t the same relationship you have when you’re
twenty-one. Sometimes friends turn into acquaintances and even in
some extreme cases they become your worst enemy. Likewise, the
aspect of change is true for social norms in our society. Things like
homosexuality are starting to become a bit more accepted. That’s
certainly not to say that there is no longer discrimination—there’s still
plenty of that—but in the story that Feinberg has painted for us, we
can look and see that things are different now.

47. In-Class Writing
0 Choose a moment when Jess intentionally passes.
How does this experience change who ze is? How do
you know?
0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this
affect hir in the same way? How do you know?

48. HOMEWORK
0 Edit Essay #2 (Bring Revised and Edited Drafts)
0 Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-260)
0 Post #16: Post your in-class writing (intentional
and unintentional passing.
0 Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in
various ways throughout the novel. Explore an
experience Jess has with a medical professional.
Does her gender identity influence the treatment
she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a
quotation.
0 Studying: Terms