Dating in today’s modern culture is more complex than ever, due in part to the role that our FANTASIES play in our decision making. Let’s take a look together.

1. Fantasies That Are Sabotaging Your Love Life.
Part 1.
Dating in today’s modern culture is more complex than ever, due in part to the role that
our FANTASIES play in our decision making. Let’s take a look together at one of the
peskiest fantasies, the notion of The One.
What is Fantasy, anyway? Fantasy is
defined as: “imagining things, especially
things that are impossible or improbable,
far removed from normal reality.” The
Urban Dictionary goes so far as to say that
fantasy is “A strong Addiction, usually
with something that is not real and
probably never will be.”
To fantasize is natural, normal, instinctive, part of being human. The trouble is that when we
allow fantasy to be in charge of our dating decisions and behaviors, we actually sabotage
our love lives, as they literally prevent us from getting what we need in our relationships.
And there is a way out of the mess, I promise…hang in here with me.
The One. Who thought up this idea, anyway, that there could be only one person, perfectly
made for each of us, in a sea of seven million souls alive on the planet? We girls
especially tend to subscribe to the notion that there is one guy out there who’s just
made for us, who’s got all of the characteristics and qualities on our super long check list,
and then of course, oh my goodness…hurry, quick, we have to find him. Have you ever
caught yourself on a first date, comparing this real, live person to The Guy in Your
Head? If so, that’s Instinct at play, wreaking havoc in your love life, sucking you into
fantasyland.
The notion of The One undermines the love search process, as The One
implies SCARCITY. If there’s only one person for each of us, then the mission of finding
that one illusive person is daunting, crippling, paralysing and crazy-making.
And so we contort. Because of this “The One” Fantasy, we are instinctively fearful that if
and when we DO find this one-and-only, that maybe we might be the potential candidate
who’s vetoed, and how horrific would that be? We can’t really be our natural selves
when creating our dating profiles and in how we behave and present ourselves on first
dates, because we don’t want to blow it with a potential “The One.” And so we contort; we

2. reveal only part of who we are, and we refrain from being our most authentic selves. How
messed up is that? Authenticity is one of our most powerfully alluring qualities!
Evidence of how we contort ourselves to try to attract and keep The One? We false-
advertise by using dated or altered photos. We dye our hair, we wear Spanx and push up
bras, we get breast implants, we spend money we don’t have on beauty treatments
and trendy wardrobe items that will end up in next year’s Good Will pile. Men contort too,
fibbing about height, age, income and accomplishments, all to avoid being overlooked or
dismissed by a potential “The One.”
And we withhold. We’re afraid to reveal what it is that we actually need. We hesitate to
set boundaries and we refrain from speaking up when a new love interest does something
that’s making us unhappy. Why? Because if we fear that if we’re too much trouble or if we
displease this person and then this potential The One might run away, and then….oh no…
we’ll be left with on one and we’ll have to start searching all over again.
Solution: Practice transparency, asking for what you really want, making it clear what
it is that will make you happy, rather than silently harbouring resentment or
dismissing a new love interest for not intuitively knowing what it is that you want and
need.
Would you rather have a phone call than a text message from your guy? Would you really
like it if she would watch the game with you every now and then? Would it make you happy
if your love interest was more affectionate? Practice being authentic, setting up the people
in your life to WIN with you.
And the culprit is? At first glance, I thought that the culprit, the source of our fantasies
around The One was the media and the fairy tales that have warped our sense of reality.
But let’s look again. What’s driving the writing of those stories? What’s compelling the
journalists and producers to present those images to us in their media messages? It’s
Human Instinct… there it is again. And the beauty of being human is that we do indeed get
to have these AHA moments, giving us the chance to pause, reflect and then choose if we
want to allow our thoughts and behavior to be dictated by our instincts, or if we want to
choose a more authentic, illuminated way of navigating the rapid waters of dating and
mating. This matchmaker and dating coach encourages you to choose the latter.
What if The One is someone we make together, rather than find, ready-made?
What if we can become the perfect people for each other through the process of open-
hearted, compassionate communication? This idea really excites me…
Stay tuned for Part Two in this study of fantasies that mess up our love lives.
For more Interesting articles on dating and matchmaking, visit http://blog.julieferman.com/