How to Sustain Marriage During Conflicts

1

HOW TO SUSTAIN YOUR
MARRIAGE DURING
CONFLICTS
All marriages have conflicts. How you
handle the conflicts makes the
difference in the survival of marriage.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014

2

Ephesians 4:15
 “God wants us to grow up, to know the
whole truth and tell it in love--like
Christ in everything. W take our lead
e
from Christ, who is the source of
everything we do”. (MSG)



3

Ephesians 4:25
 “W
hat this adds up to, then, is this: no
m lies, no m pretence. Tell your
ore
ore
neighbour the truth. In Christ's body
we're all connected to each other, after
all. W
hen you lie to others, you end up
lying to yourself.” (MSG)



4

Ephesians 4:29
 “W
atch the way you talk. L nothing
et
foul or dirty com out of your m
e
outh.
S only what helps, each word a
ay
gift”. (MSG)



5

The goal of marriage is not to think
alike but to think together.
 Most marriages are destroyed by
people not working out their
marriages together but working out
in different ways.
 The way we speak is so crucial to the
survival of our marriages.



6

I. All marriages have conflicts.
 A. Your goal should not be to do
away with conflicts but to be careful
to work on the problem and not the
person.
 B. Try to look at conflicts as the
door to INTIMACY.
 Tackle the problem and not the
person.



7

II. The proper way to win a conflict in
marriage is to be able to attack the
PROBLEM and not the PERSON.
 Most times we attack each other thus
fueling the conflict more as we all
have defensive mechanisms.



Sustaining Your Marriage
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Here are several things to consider
which could help you successfully
sustain your marriage with your
companion in the right way.
 1. You must understand the
difference between a PROBLEM and
a FACT OF LIFE.



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A problem is something I can do
something about.
 A fact of life is something I can do
nothing about.
 Sometimes we attack a spouse on
certain issues in life which are facts
and he/ can’t do anything about
she
them.



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2. You must be SPECIFIC
concerning the issue at hand.
 If you are not speciﬁc you will
become HISTORICAL.
 It is kind of like the fellow who went
to the marriage counselor with his
wife and said, “Every time my wife
and I argue, she becomes
HISTORICAL.



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The marriage counselor said, “I think
you mean hysterical.”
 “No, I mean HISTORICAL. W
hen we
argue she tells me everything I have
ever done wrong.”
 Don’t keep a record of the past
failures.



12

3. You must never COMPARE.
 Never compare your mate with
someone else’s mate. “W can’t you
hy
be like Stanley’s wife?” That is
really bad
 W are all unique personalities.
e
 Again never compare.



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4. You must not EMOTIONALLY
block communication.
 Here are four communication
stoppers.
 a. SCREAMERS - Someone who
yells during an argument.
 b. STREAMERS - Someone who
cries during an argument.



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c. STEAMERS - Someone who pouts
during an argument.
 d. SCHEMERS- Someone who
manipulates during an argument.
 The above can block the smooth flow
of any conflict discussions.



15

5. You must never CONDEMN.
 Do not use words like you should, you
must, you ought, it’s all your fault.
 In an argument, if you start with you,
it is probably a bad start.
 Don’t use an accusing word but be
more neutral by saying, it seems to
me like.



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6. You must always AVOID LABELS.
 W
henever you label a mate
negatively
it is always
destructive.
W
hat are some very bad labels?
 Did you hear about the husband that
asked his wife how could someone so
beautiful be so stupid? She said,
“God made me beautiful so you
would marry me and made me stupid



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7. You should AVOID ABSOLUTES.
 You should “never” use words like
never or always.
 Example:
 You never take do anything useful to
my family.
 You are never in the home for the
kids.



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8. You must never COMMAND.
 Do not try to end an argument by
force. Treat your mate like an adult.
 Both of you can think independently
and come out with an amicable
solution to the conflict.



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9. You must agree on the TIMING of
the argument.
 You should delay an argument:
 a. W
hen other PEOPLE are around.
 b. Before an important MEETING.
 c. If there is too much ANGER.



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10. You must never CHALLENGE.
 Do not threaten your mate if things
are not working.
 There are basically three common
words or ways people are threatened
in a marriage:



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a. By money - I will spend it all or not
give you any.
 b. By sex.
 c. By divorce or separation.



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11. You must clear the air as soon as
POSSIBLE.
 Delaying solving the conflict will
then bring historical issues back and
front.
 There will be much hurt.
 Handle matters that affect your
marriage as soon as possible.



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






12. You must never CONDESCEND.
Do not belittle or ridicule your
mate.
Do not play psychologist.
Don’t tell your mate why you know
what their problem is.

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13. You must not OVER REACT to
the conﬂict.
 W
hy drop a bomb about a very small
matter? W
hen people complicate
small matters, the same become very
big matters and can cause far
fetching reactions or results.



25







14. You must position things in life
POSITIVELY.
W
hen you handle yourself use your
HEAD.
W
hen you handle others use your
HEART.

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15. You must never CONTRADICT.
W your turn in the discussion.
ait
 Do not interrupt.
 Give each other enough time to
empty themselves without any
interruptions.



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16. You must not try to analyze your
mate’s MOTIVES.
 Motives are very subjective;
criticize the action and not the
person.



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17. You must never CONFUSE.
 Do not bring in an unrelated subject
or an issue.
 Too often when we are losing we
bring in an unrelated subject.
 W try to pull things out of the past
e
to help win in the present.



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18. You must love your spouse more
than your OPINION.
 Some issues really do not matter.
 If a man loves his opinion better than
his spouse, then he will defend his
opinions and lose the relationship
with his wife.



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19. You should follow the 101%
principle.
 Find the 1% you agree on and give it
100% of your effort.



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20. You must show that you
UNDERSTAND the other person’s
position.
 Repeat or rephrase the other
person’s position.



32

21. You must ENCOURAGE a
response.
 Questions like : W
hat do you think
we can do about this issue?



33

22. You must be committed to
HONESTY and mutual RESPECT.
 Honesty will allow the relationship to
GROW
.
 Respect will allow the relationship to
LAST.



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23. You must check your own
ATTITUDE.
 It is not what happens to me but what
happens in me that counts. (John
Maxwell)



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24. You must provide an ESCAPE
HATCH for your spouse.
 Don’t push him/
her to the corner
 Follow the golden rule... “Do unto
others as you would have them do
unto you.”



36

25. You must ADMIT IT when you
are wrong.
 Say, “I AM SORRY”.
 STOP THE FIGHT BEFORE IT GETS
GOING.



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26. You must CLEAN UP THE
MESS.
 This calls for listening, kindness, and
forgiveness. You should never
withhold your love from your spouse.
 Bury the past.
 Forgiveness is key here. Amen and
Amen



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27. You must welcome each
CONFLICT and make it a GROW
ING
process in
your life.
W
hat lessons have both of you learnt
from these conflicts?
 Conflicts then become stepping
stones to sustaining your marriage.



CONCLUSION
39

Don’t seek to win a conflict against
your companion as this can result in
a failed relationship.
 W
inning a conflict by overcoming a
problem can result in a strengthened
relationship.
 Go for what we call a W
IN/ IN
W
ATTITUDE in your marriage conflict.
Both of you are winners.



How to Sustain Marriage During Conflicts

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