1. eDating: the formation of rules
of courtship for the network
society
Maz Hardey
SIRU – the University of York
September 2006

2. The world of ‘eDating’
 Past ‘lonely hearts’ advertisements in
newspapers.
 Today Internet based and increasingly other
forms digital media.
 Match.com over 15 million active users.
 Diversity of services e.g. Christian Singles
Café, Gay Dating, Vegan Date, SugarDaddy,
Marry an Ugly Millionaire…
 Majority of sites aimed at heterosexual
relationships

3. Nature of eDating sites
 Most sites subscription based
 Now a multi-million pound business
 Users commonly complete a form with details
of geographical location, gender, etc
 Users write a profile that often includes
photographs
 Users can browse or search for other users
 Only brief guidance is given as to how users
should conduct themselves
 Can make contact via onsite email

4. Brief tour of typical eDating
sites
 1. USA based but international
membership of ‘millions’
 2. Convergence of eDating and portal
site
 3. UK based service
 4. Profile from UK site
 5. ‘Success’ story

10. Methodology
 23 public English language newsgroups
hosted in the UK April-June 2005.
 Over 1300 threads related eDating.
 Responses were from 203 women and
176 men.
 All participants had chosen to enter into
newsgroups focused on heterosexual
eDating.

11. Ethics
 Newsgroups are a resource in the
public domain.
 All groups in the study were ‘open’ and
membership was not necessary to read
threads.
 Anonymity of the newsgroups and
identity of their members has been
retained.

12. Discussing eDating
 Newsgroup conversations were
analysed by reading and re-reading
data to identify themes.
 From the analysis it was possible to
develop a continuum based on ‘ideal
types’ of gendered expectations of
eDating.

13. Gendered expectations
Men Women
Game Playing -------- Romantic Love -------- Emotional Engagement
Cyber sex Embodiment Pragmatic love
Fantasy Trust
Disclosure
Disposability Reciprocation Security
Online Offline Online

14. Men - Playing the game
 ‘You get to play a part online, have fun,
reinvent (your)self… I experienced it! A ‘sim
playground !!!’’.
 ‘…It is the ease with which you can dismiss
the typical bullshit. If one woman starts
playing games <INSERT FLUSHING SOUND
HERE>.’
 ‘These ladies will yak you keyboard to
death… their expectations aren’t very high,
just their anticipation… give her a fantasy
day’.

15. Women - Emotional
engagement
 ‘…always be true to yourself and you
will find someone of warmth, who’s
giving, sincere, honest, romantic…’
 ‘You are connecting with the ‘real’ inner
you’s’.
 ‘…somone who loves me for me, is that
too hard or too much to ask?’

16. Making connections?
 Seeking to move online eDating connections
to ‘long-term’ offline relationships.
 A diversity of intentions, perceptions, desires
etc.
 Search for common codes, rules, behaviours
to identify and maintain connections on
eDating sites that can then move offline with
‘suitable’ others.

17. Some rules for online
engagement part 1
‘Me, personally, I wouldn't physically meet someone
I'd quot;metquot; online until I'd exchanged at least several
substantive emails and several phone calls, so that I
can get a quot;readquot; on that person's personality and
intentions, and whether or not it's someone I have
any interest in getting to know irl’ (in real life). I met
my now-husband online. We chatted regularly on IM,
via email and on the phone for nine months before
we met in real life’,
(Female eDater).

18. Some rules for online
engagement part 2
‘Try this sequence:
1. Join a dating site like Date.com
2.Meet folks online
3.Winnow down the selection based on exchanged
emails.
4. Focus on those who seem promising to you.
5. Try some voice phone calls.
6. If things are going well, then arrange to meet, but not
for sex. How about a cup of tea instead?
7. Then proceed as you would otherwise’,
(Male eDater).

19. Emerging behaviours
 Women feel ‘liberated’ in that they are free of
offline cultural restraints about initiating and
ending relationships.
 Men believe that they have to ‘give
emotionally’ in online interactions to
successfully maintain connections.
 All eDater’s place high value and credibility in
what they understand to be the ‘true’ identity
and shared aspirations of online connections.

20. Meeting in the middle
 eDater’s are seeking what Goffman (1983)
has identified as a ‘guide for action’
 Minimise risk and lead to ‘successful’ offline
relationship(s)
 New possibilities offered by new interactive
media for initiating, performing and managing
relationships
 Such new possibilities give rise to the
emerging rules and behaviours that are akin
offline courtship