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SMOOTH APPARATUS
by
Laura Wade
1
SCENE 1
KITCHEN: MORNING. SARAH IS CHOPPING
VEGETABLES WITH SOME FORCE.
DAVE: Hiiiii.
SARAH: You’re up, are you?
DAVE: Time is it?
SARAH: Eleven. Quite early when you’ve been up all night
worrying.
DAVE: Sorry.
SARAH: No, perfectly reasonable behaviour
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP
coming in at five in the morning
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP
no phonecall no nothing
(SARAH/CONT’D OVER)
2
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP
don’t know why I didn’t
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP
do it myself.
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD – CHOP CHOP
CHOP
DAVE: I lost my mobile, I told you.
SARAH: It’s a metropolis, there’s phone boxes.
DAVE: I was in Camden, they’re all- I’m sorry, Sair, I was
really drunk.
SARAH: Yeah well.
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD – CHOP CHOP
CHOP CHOP
DAVE: What you doing?
SARAH: Making my wake-up juice.
DAVE: Oh god, I’m sorry, OK, please don’t make juice.
3
SARAH: Why shouldn’t I, I need waking up.
DAVE: The noise it- Don’t you want to stop that for a minute
and go sit down?
SARAH: No.
DAVE: On the sofa, you know, away from all the knives.
SARAH: Nope.
F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD – CHOP CHOP
CHOP
DAVE: Urgggh.
SARAH: Your own fault.
DAVE: I know. Where’s the paracetamol?
SARAH: Cupboard over the sink.
F/X: HE OPENS THE CUPBOARD.
Did you even think about me?
DAVE: Where in the cupboard?
4
SARAH: There.
DAVE: Where?
SARAH: There, look, behind the cocktail shaker. Look at you,
shaking. You don’t think at all, do you?
F/X: PILLS BEING POPPED OUT OF BLISTER
PACK. DAVE FILLS GLASS WITH WATER.
DAVE: I was drunk.
SARAH: You make it sound like a surprise, like someone forced
you to drink fifteen pints of-
DAVE: No, please don’t turn that on-
SARAH: You’re an arsehole.
DAVE: Don’t no please-
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
Aaagh god.
SARAH: Did you? Did you think about me at all all night?
5
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
DAVE: Course I did.
SARAH: Liar.
DAVE: Please, give me half an hour to-
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
SARAH: Why didn’t you call?
DAVE: Thought you’d be asleep.
SARAH: How could I possibly be asleep when you-
F/X: JUICER SOUND -
WHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
And what were you doing till five in the morning
anyway?
DAVE: Just went to the pub.
SARAH: Which one?
DAVE: King’s Head.
(DAVE/CONT’D OVER)
6
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
DAVE (CONT’D): Ow! Ow!
SARAH: King’s Head shuts at half eleven.
DAVE: OK, we went to a club after.
SARAH: And then?
DAVE: Couldn’t find a taxi I walked home.
SARAH: On your own?
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
DAVE: Yes - aaagh yes. Took me two hours.
SARAH: Where were the others?
DAVE: Stevo cat-flapped at half-ten cause of football in the
morning and Gary pulled in the club so he was going
off with this girl.
SARAH: Did you pull in the club?
DAVE: No.
7
SARAH: Sure?
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
DAVE: Yes! Yes, sure. Definitely.
SARAH: Drugs?
DAVE: Hard or soft?
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
No. Course not - no drugs.
SARAH: Great. There we go. Nice looking juice.
DAVE: Sair?
SARAH: Yes, love.
DAVE: What’s that in there?
SARAH: In where?
DAVE: There in the juicer.
SARAH: Couple of carrots, an apple, few sticks of celery.
8
DAVE: No, there – purple bits.
SARAH: Oh that. Yeah, that’s the pile of twenty quid notes I
found in your wallet.
DAVE: What?
SARAH: OK, used to be.
DAVE: No. Sarah! There was a hundred in there!
SARAH: Was there?
DAVE: You juiced my money?
SARAH: Yeah, sorry. I was just grabbing for the piece of paper
and the money kind of got caught up in my hand-
DAVE: What piece of paper?
SARAH: Dunno, someone called Jessica. Some bint called
Jessica with a phone number.
DAVE: Who?
SARAH: I don’t know, Dave, it was in your wallet. (BEAT) Was
she sexy did she have a nice arse?
(SARAH/CONT’D OVER)
9
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
SARAH (CONT’D): Did you screw her in the car park like we did? Did she
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
when she
F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ
DAVE: I didn’t ‘screw’ anyone I know I didn’t.
SARAH: Whatever.
F/X: SHE POURS THE JUICE INTO A GLASS
Here. Drink this and you’re forgiven.
DAVE: Sair-
SARAH: Drink it. Then we can go back to bed.
DAVE: (SIGHS) OK.
F/X: DAVE DRINKS THE JUICE
Ugh.
10
SARAH: All of it.
F/X: DAVE DRINKS THE REST OF IT
There you go. Alright?
DAVE: Ugh, god. I think I’m going to be-
F/X: DAVE CRASHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN
(V.O – RETREATING) Think I’m going to be sick.
SARAH: Should feel quite nice coming back up. Proper
smoothie.
END.

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Radio script

  • 2. 1 SCENE 1 KITCHEN: MORNING. SARAH IS CHOPPING VEGETABLES WITH SOME FORCE. DAVE: Hiiiii. SARAH: You’re up, are you? DAVE: Time is it? SARAH: Eleven. Quite early when you’ve been up all night worrying. DAVE: Sorry. SARAH: No, perfectly reasonable behaviour F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP coming in at five in the morning F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP no phonecall no nothing (SARAH/CONT’D OVER)
  • 3. 2 F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP don’t know why I didn’t F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD - CHOP do it myself. F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD – CHOP CHOP CHOP DAVE: I lost my mobile, I told you. SARAH: It’s a metropolis, there’s phone boxes. DAVE: I was in Camden, they’re all- I’m sorry, Sair, I was really drunk. SARAH: Yeah well. F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD – CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP DAVE: What you doing? SARAH: Making my wake-up juice. DAVE: Oh god, I’m sorry, OK, please don’t make juice.
  • 4. 3 SARAH: Why shouldn’t I, I need waking up. DAVE: The noise it- Don’t you want to stop that for a minute and go sit down? SARAH: No. DAVE: On the sofa, you know, away from all the knives. SARAH: Nope. F/X: KNIFE ON CHOPPING BOARD – CHOP CHOP CHOP DAVE: Urgggh. SARAH: Your own fault. DAVE: I know. Where’s the paracetamol? SARAH: Cupboard over the sink. F/X: HE OPENS THE CUPBOARD. Did you even think about me? DAVE: Where in the cupboard?
  • 5. 4 SARAH: There. DAVE: Where? SARAH: There, look, behind the cocktail shaker. Look at you, shaking. You don’t think at all, do you? F/X: PILLS BEING POPPED OUT OF BLISTER PACK. DAVE FILLS GLASS WITH WATER. DAVE: I was drunk. SARAH: You make it sound like a surprise, like someone forced you to drink fifteen pints of- DAVE: No, please don’t turn that on- SARAH: You’re an arsehole. DAVE: Don’t no please- F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ Aaagh god. SARAH: Did you? Did you think about me at all all night?
  • 6. 5 F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ DAVE: Course I did. SARAH: Liar. DAVE: Please, give me half an hour to- F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ SARAH: Why didn’t you call? DAVE: Thought you’d be asleep. SARAH: How could I possibly be asleep when you- F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ And what were you doing till five in the morning anyway? DAVE: Just went to the pub. SARAH: Which one? DAVE: King’s Head. (DAVE/CONT’D OVER)
  • 7. 6 F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ DAVE (CONT’D): Ow! Ow! SARAH: King’s Head shuts at half eleven. DAVE: OK, we went to a club after. SARAH: And then? DAVE: Couldn’t find a taxi I walked home. SARAH: On your own? F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ DAVE: Yes - aaagh yes. Took me two hours. SARAH: Where were the others? DAVE: Stevo cat-flapped at half-ten cause of football in the morning and Gary pulled in the club so he was going off with this girl. SARAH: Did you pull in the club? DAVE: No.
  • 8. 7 SARAH: Sure? F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ DAVE: Yes! Yes, sure. Definitely. SARAH: Drugs? DAVE: Hard or soft? F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ No. Course not - no drugs. SARAH: Great. There we go. Nice looking juice. DAVE: Sair? SARAH: Yes, love. DAVE: What’s that in there? SARAH: In where? DAVE: There in the juicer. SARAH: Couple of carrots, an apple, few sticks of celery.
  • 9. 8 DAVE: No, there – purple bits. SARAH: Oh that. Yeah, that’s the pile of twenty quid notes I found in your wallet. DAVE: What? SARAH: OK, used to be. DAVE: No. Sarah! There was a hundred in there! SARAH: Was there? DAVE: You juiced my money? SARAH: Yeah, sorry. I was just grabbing for the piece of paper and the money kind of got caught up in my hand- DAVE: What piece of paper? SARAH: Dunno, someone called Jessica. Some bint called Jessica with a phone number. DAVE: Who? SARAH: I don’t know, Dave, it was in your wallet. (BEAT) Was she sexy did she have a nice arse? (SARAH/CONT’D OVER)
  • 10. 9 F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ SARAH (CONT’D): Did you screw her in the car park like we did? Did she F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ when she F/X: JUICER SOUND - WHZZZZZZZZ DAVE: I didn’t ‘screw’ anyone I know I didn’t. SARAH: Whatever. F/X: SHE POURS THE JUICE INTO A GLASS Here. Drink this and you’re forgiven. DAVE: Sair- SARAH: Drink it. Then we can go back to bed. DAVE: (SIGHS) OK. F/X: DAVE DRINKS THE JUICE Ugh.
  • 11. 10 SARAH: All of it. F/X: DAVE DRINKS THE REST OF IT There you go. Alright? DAVE: Ugh, god. I think I’m going to be- F/X: DAVE CRASHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN (V.O – RETREATING) Think I’m going to be sick. SARAH: Should feel quite nice coming back up. Proper smoothie. END.