Beginners Guide to TikTok for Search - Rachel Pearson - We are Tilt __ Bright...
Seeking unicorns
1.
2. OK, here‟s the thing, y‟all. I was
watchin‟ this show on Animal Planet in
which a bunch of retarded rednecks go
searching for sasquatches and screaming
that every squirrel fart is the sound of a
„squatch „round the corner. Now this
show is obviously built on bullshit, so I
thought of a show that would be much
more informative and realistic. It‟s
called: Seeking Unicorns.
3. I know what you‟re thinkin‟— “Wait a
minute!!!! Unicorns don‟t exist!!!!” Well,
if this is what you‟re thinking, then
you‟re a freaking moron! Yeah, that‟s
right. Unicorns do exist. How do I
know? Because I‟m a unicorn expert. I
built up my expertise on unicorns
through years of research….
7. Now that I‟ve established my credibility,
you‟re probably wondering why you‟ve
never seen one. Well, the answer is pretty
simple, they don‟t want you to see them.
Think about it, people discover them,
there‟s a bunch of “Ooohs” and “Awws”
and then it‟s off to petting zoos where
they‟ll be ridden all day by screaming
poopy pants toddlers.
8. Unicorns are super duper real and
their lives are very mysterious, but
allow me to lift some of the
mystery for you. The most
important thing to note is that
unicorns, in spite of their
appearance are NOTHING like
horses.
10. Most people don‟t know that unicorns are not herbivores, like
their cousin the horse, they are equipped with a singular large
horn that they use to ruthlessly impale smaller creatures which
they then devour savagely.
Their favorite tasty treats are:
Bunnies
Puppies
Kittens
Butterflies
Human babies
11. Believe it or not, unicorns can be found
ANYWHERE!!! Actually, as a general
rule, unicorns are so prevalent you are
never more than 8 feet away from a real,
live unicorn.
12. Unicorns utilize a variety of camouflage techniques that allow them
to remain hidden from the untrained eye.
There’s one hiding Sometimes they dress up like
in the fog! Look! There’s one hiding people, but somehow they
behind that web address!! never look quite right…
13. Now, if you’re like a cynical, know-it-all douchebag, then you’re probably thinking
“Well, gee… if unicorns existed we’d have found their bones or something at some
point.”
This is yet another misconception. When a unicorn dies, it does not fall to the earth to
rot and be eaten by vultures and maggots. Actually, in yet another attempt to disguise
their existence they’ve adapted to leave little trace evidence of ever having lived—
even when they die.
Even most unicorn experts do not know for sure what happens to them. Luckily, I DO
know! When a unicorn dies they explode into confetti and glitter!! I even caught this
phenomenon on tape—unfortunately, I can’t show you that because I lost it. But it
looks something like that.
14. I‟m sure by now, you‟re all very curious
to witness a real unicorn. Well, being
the only person on earth who can do
that , the purpose of my show Seeking
Unicorns is to share them with the
world. Through this program I will
combat the moronic, misleading shows
about imaginary creatures and give
people intelligent, informative, REAL
footage of ACTUAL unicorns.
