Politicians. They walk among us, yet they speak a language that is not of this world. In the interests of open democracy, favourable SEO rankings and the public’s right to less bullshit, the Mail & Guardian has consulted that gauleiter of the interweb, Poogle, to decipher the double speak, lay bare the innuendo and uncover the lies, damned lies, our beloved public figures are prone to use.

1. Poogle
Translate Mac Maharaj From: Spin - detected
"The President is applying his mind"
Translate

2. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
The presidency hasn't made a decision
since 1968. Why start now? Can't a man
take a shower in peace? Piss off.

3. Poogle
Translate Mac Maharaj From: Spin - detected
"Deputy Minister Godongwana had
resigned to pursue personal interests."
Translate

4. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
When the going gets tough ... you're on
your own, comrade. Don't forget to write.
If it turns out he's guilty, we don't want
him stinking up the joint. Aluta!

5. Poogle
Translate Phillip Dexter From: Spin - detected
"It has become clear to me that
whatever we set out to do when we
formed Cope, that mission is one that
has failed. The ANC is the only
organisation that can and does
advance a programme I can support"
Translate

6. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
Dear ANC. I miss you, and my steady
pay cheque. I don't know what I ever
saw in Cope. Please take me back. The
ex-wife has got me by the short and
curlies. Love, Phil xxx.

7. Poogle
Translate Julius Malema From: Spin - detected
"Mbeki is depriving us of that
intellectual wealth. I wish he would
reconsider his decision not to
participate."
Translate

8. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
Mbeki talks a lot, he smokes a lot, and
he uses a lot of long words. But no one
else is accepting my friend requests, and
Solitaire sucks ass. And he is an African,
or so he keeps telling me.

9. Poogle
Translate Siyabonga Cwele From: Spin - detected
"The media is an important component
in our society. Our department also has
no mandate to silence the media."
Translate

10. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
My God, these people are worse than
drug mules. Cheryl was right all along.
We know we can't wholesale dispose of
these bloody agents. So we won't
"silence" them. That could get … messy.
We'll just terrify them into submission.
MUCH better.

11. Poogle
Translate Llewellyn Landers From: Spin - detected
"Anyone who does not support the
passing of the Protection of State
Information Bill wishes for the old
apartheid-era legislation to remain.
They are supporting that which was
passed in the PW Botha era."
Translate

12. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
If I talk about the bad old days enough,
maybe people will forget that I used to
work for PW Botha as a minister in the
old Tricameral Parliament. Is it working?
Good. God, I miss the 80s.

13. Poogle
Translate Mangosuthu Buthelezi From: Spin - detected
"I remain at the helm of the IFP at the
unanimous request of my party's
members."
Translate

14. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
Let's face it, I'm the only one who
actually wants this gig. I have bored
them all into submission. Just call me
Mugabe-Lite.

15. Poogle
Translate Thabo Mbeki From: Spin - detected
"I am sceptical about this notion of
Twitter being that great conveyor
instrument for the democratisation of
knowledge. If you want to discuss
knowledge on the betterment of
society, I don't think it is appropriate.
Even the internet in general, blogging
and so on, is not the place where you
can put all these things under theories."
Translate

16. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
I am an African. I personally don't know
anyone who has Twitter. Do these
imbeciles honestly expect me to use
only 140 characters? I am an African. I
leave for two years and THIS is what
you guys come up with? Has anyone
seen my Renaissance? I am an African.

17. Poogle
Translate Helen Zille From: Spin - detected
"I cannot decide who my successor
should be. The party must do this.
People are nominated -- we like
leadership contests in the DA -- and
then the federal congress must vote. It
will probably be one of our extremely
talented emerging black leaders."
Translate

18. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
We're desperate to get some black
people to vote for us. Remember, a vote
for Lindi is a vote against Julius Malema.
Please vote for her.

19. Poogle
Translate Gerald Majola From: Spin - detected
"I was only following a precedent set by
Dr Ali Bacher."
Translate

20. Poogle
Translate To: What they mean
Bacher left with a fat stack of cash in his
back pocket. I wanted a piece of the
action. Don't hate the player, hate the
game.
Content: M & G Online Team | Graphics by: Kenny Leung