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Abuse and violence
1. ABUSE ANDABUSE AND
VIOLENCEVIOLENCE
Pamela M. Veroy RN, MAN
You may not know it; you may not feel it;
you thought it is a way of love expression,
until it consumes you .
2. Domestic AbuseDomestic Abuse
ďDomestic abuse, also known as spousal
abuse, occurs when one person in an
intimate relationship or marriage tries to
dominate and control the other person.
ďAn abuser doesnât âplay fair.â
ďHe or she uses fear, guilt, shame, and
intimidation to wear you down and gain
complete power over you.
ďHe or she may threaten you, hurt you, or
hurt those around you.
ďDomestic abuse that includes physical
violence is called domestic violence.
3. Victims of domestic abuseVictims of domestic abuse
ďThis abuse happens among heterosexual
couples and in same-sex partnerships.
ďExcept for the gender difference, domestic
abuse doesnât discriminate.
ďIt happens within all age ranges, ethnic
backgrounds, and financial levels.
ďThe abuse may occur during a
relationship, while the couple is breaking
up, or after the relationship has ended.
ďDomestic violence is not due to the
abuserâs loss of control over his behavior.
4. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice madeIn fact, violence is a deliberate choice made
by the abuserby the abuser in order to take control overin order to take control over
his wife or partner.his wife or partner.
5. Violent Behavior is an Abuser's
Choice
ďHe does not batter other individuals - the
boss who does not give him time off or the
gas station attendant that spills gas down the
side of his car. He waits until there are no
witnesses and abuses the person he says
he loves.
ďIf you ask an abused woman, "can he stop
when the phone rings or the police come to
the door?" She will say "yes". Most often
when the police show up, he is looking
calm, cool and collected and she is the
one who may look hysterical.
6. Violent Behavior is an Abuser's ChoiceViolent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice
ďIf he were truly "out of control" he would
not be able to stop himself when it is to
his advantage to do so.
ďThe abuser very often escalates from
pushing and shoving to hitting in places
where the bruises and marks will not
show. If he were "out of control" or "in a
rage" he would not be able to direct or
limit where his kicks or punches land.
8. Abusers use the following tactics toAbusers use the following tactics to
exert power over their wives or partners:exert power over their wives or partners:
ďDominance
ďAbusive individuals need to feel in charge
of the relationship.
ďThey will make decisions for you and the
family, tell you what to do, and expect you
to obey without question.
ďYour abuser may treat you like a servant,
child, or even as his possession.
9. ďHumiliation
ď An abuser will do everything he can to
make you feel bad about yourself, or
defective in some way.
ďAfter all, if you believe you're worthless
and that no one else will want you, you're
less likely to leave.
ďInsults, name-calling, shaming, and
public put-downs are all weapons of
abuse designed to erode your self-esteem
and make you feel powerless.
10. ďIsolation
ďIn order to increase your dependence on
him, an abusive partner will cut you off
from the outside world.
ďHe may keep you from seeing family or
friends, or even prevent you from going to
work or school.
ďYou may have to ask permission to do
anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
(Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention
Project, MN)
11. It can make you fall down withIt can make you fall down with
your self-esteem.your self-esteem.
12. ďThreats
ďAbusers commonly use threats to keep
their victims from leaving or to scare
them into dropping charges.
ďYour abuser may threaten to hurt or kill
you, your children, other family members,
or even pets.
ďHe may also threaten to commit suicide,
file false charges against you, or report
you to child services.
14. ďIntimidation
ďYour abuser may use a variety of
intimation tactics designed to scare you
into submission.
ďSuch tactics include making threatening
looks or gestures, smashing things in
front of you, destroying property, hurting
your pets, or putting weapons on display.
ďThe clear message is that if you don't
obey, there will be violent consequences.
15. ďDenial and blame
ďAbusers are very good at making excuses
for the inexcusable.
ďThey will blame their abusive and violent
behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day,
and even on the victims of their abuse.
ďYour abuser may minimize the abuse or
deny that it occurred.
ďHe will commonly shift the responsibility
onto you: Somehow, his violence and
abuse is your fault.
16. Cycle of violence
ď
ď1. Abuse â The abuser lashes out with
aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a
power play designed to show the victim "who is
boss."
ď2. Guilt â After the abusive episode, the
abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done
to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of
being caught and facing consequences.
ď3. Rationalization or excuses â The abuser
rationalizes what he's done. He may come up
with a string of excuses or blame the victim for
his own abusive behaviorâanything to shift
responsibility from himself.
17. Cycle of violenceCycle of violence
ď 4. "Normal" behavior â The abuser does
everything he can to regain control and keep the
victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing
has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This
peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope
that the abuser has really changed this time.
ď 5. Fantasy and planning â The abuser begins to
fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a
lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and
how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for
turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
ď 6. Set-up â The abuser sets up the victim and puts
his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can
justify abusing her.
19. Signs of an abusive relationship
ďAnswer the questions;The more âyesâ
answers, the more likely it is that youâre in an
abusive relationship.
ďYour Inner Thoughts and Feelings
ďYour Partnerâs Belittling Behavior
ďDo you:
ďfeel afraid of your partner much of the time?
ďavoid certain topics out of fear of angering your
partner?
ďfeel that you canât do anything right for your
partner?
ďbelieve that you deserve to be hurt or
mistreated?
ďwonder if youâre the one who is crazy?
ďfeel emotionally numb or helpless?
20. Signs of an abusive relationshipSigns of an abusive relationship
ďDoes your partner:
ďhumiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
ďtreat you so badly that youâre
embarrassed for your friends or family to
see?
ďignore or put down your opinions or
accomplishments?
ďblame you for his own abusive behavior?
ďsee you as property or a sex object,
rather than as a person?
21. Signs of an abusive relationshipSigns of an abusive relationship
ďYour Partnerâs Violent Behavior or Threats
ďYour Partnerâs Controlling Behavior
ďDoes your partner:
ďhave a bad and unpredictable temper?
ďhurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
ďthreaten to take your children away or
harm them?
ďthreaten to commit suicide if you leave?
ďforce you to have sex?
ďdestroy your belongings?
22. Signs of an abusive relationshipSigns of an abusive relationship
ďDoes your partner:
ďact excessively jealous and possessive?
ďcontrol where you go or what you do?
ďkeep you from seeing your friends or
family?
ďlimit your access to money, the phone, or
the car?
ďconstantly check up on you?
23. Types of domestic violence and abuse
ďThere are different types of domestic
abuse,
ďincluding emotional,
ďphysical,
ďsexual,
ďand economic abuse.
ď Many abusers behave in ways that
include more than one type of domestic
abuse, and the boundaries between some
of these behaviors may overlap.
24. ďEmotional abuse
ďincludes verbal abuse such as yelling,
name-calling, blaming, and shaming.
ďIsolation, intimidation, and controlling
behavior also fall under emotional abuse.
ďAdditionally, abusers who use emotional
or psychological abuse often throw in
threats of physical violence.
ďemotional abuse can be just as damaging
as physical abuseâsometimes even more
so.
ďemotional abuse usually worsens over
time, often escalating to physical battery.
25. ďPhysical abuse is the use of physical
force against someone in a way that
injures or endangers that person.
ďThereâs a broad range of behaviors that
come under the heading of physical
abuse, including hitting, grabbing,
choking, throwing things, and assault with
a weapon.
ďPhysical assault or battering is a crime,
whether it occurs inside or outside of the
family.
ďThe police have the power and authority
to protect you from physical attack.
26. ďSexual abuse is common in abusive
relationships. According to the National
Coalition Against Domestic Violence, between
one-third and one-half of all battered women
are raped by their partners at least once
during their relationship.
ďAny situation in which you are forced to
participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading
sexual activity is sexual abuse.
ďForced sex, even by a spouse or intimate
partner with whom you also have consensual
sex, is an act of aggression and violence.
ďWomen whose partners abuse them
physically and sexually are at a higher risk of
being seriously injured or killed.
27. ďEconomic of financial abuse includes:
ďControlling the finances.
ďWithholding money or credit cards.
ďGiving you an allowance.
ďMaking you account for every penny you
spend.
ďStealing from you or taking your money.
ďExploiting your assets for personal gain.
ďWithholding basic necessities (food, clothes,
medications, shelter).
ďPreventing you from working or choosing
your own career.
ďSabotaging your job (making you miss work,
calling constantly)
28. Domestic violence warning signs
ď Frequent injuries, with the excuse of âaccidentsâ
ď Frequent and sudden absences from work or school
ď Frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner
ď Fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger
ď Personality changes (e.g. an outgoing woman
becomes withdrawn)
ď Excessive fear of conflict
ď Submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness
ď Isolation from friends and family
ď Insufficient resources to live (money, credit cards,
car)
ď Depression, crying, low self-esteem
29. ďReporting suspected domestic abuse is
important.
ďIf you're afraid of getting involved,
remember that the report is confidential
and everything possible will be done to
protect your privacy.
ďYou donât have to give your name, and
your suspicions will be investigated before
anyone is taken into custody.
ďMost important, you can protect the
victim from further harm by calling for
help.
30. Protecting yourself from domestic violence
ďIf you live with someone who abuses you
or if someone is stalking you, you need to
take immediate measures to protect
yourself.
ďYouâre in extra danger if your abuser or
stalker talks about murder or suicide.
ďYouâre also in particular danger if you are
thinking about leaving an abusive
relationship.
ďBecause of the risk of being seriously hurt
or killed when leaving an abusive
relationship, itâs important to develop a
safe plan for departure.
32. Domestic Violence Escape Kit
ďPack a survival kit.
⌠Money for cab fare
⌠A change of clothes
⌠Extra house and car keys
⌠Birth certificates
⌠Driverâs license or passport
⌠Medications and copies of prescriptions
⌠Insurance information
⌠Checkbook
⌠Credit cards
⌠Legal documents such as separation agreements and
protection orders
⌠Address books
⌠Valuable jewelry
⌠Papers that show jointly owned assets
ďConceal it in the home or leave it with a trusted
neighbor, friend, or relative. Important papers
can also be left in a bank deposit box.
33. Know your abuserâs red flags.Know your abuserâs red flags.
ďBe on alert for signs and clues that your
abuser is getting upset and may explode
in anger or violence.
ďIdentify safe areas of the house. Know
where to go if your abuser attacks or an
argument starts.
ďAvoid small, enclosed spaces without exits
(such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms
with weapons (such as the kitchen).
ď If possible, head for a room with a phone
and an outside door or window.
34. Know your abuserâs red flags.Know your abuserâs red flags.
ďBe prepared to leave at a momentâs
notice.
ďKeep the car fueled up and facing the
driveway exit, with the driverâs door
unlocked.
ďHide a spare car key where you can get it
quickly.
ďHave emergency cash, clothing, and
important phone numbers and documents
stashed in a safe place (at a friendâs
house, for example).
35. Know your abuserâs red flags.Know your abuserâs red flags.
ďPractice escaping quickly and safely.
ďRehearse your escape plan so you know
exactly what to do if under attack from
your abuser.
ďIf you have children, have them practice
the escape plan also.
ďCome up with a code word. Establish a
word, phrase, or signal you can use to let
your children, friends, neighbors, or co-
workers know that youâre in danger and
the police should be called.
36. Know your abuserâs red flags.Know your abuserâs red flags.
ďMake and memorize a list of emergency
contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if
you can contact them if you need a ride, a
place to stay, or help contacting the police.
ďMemorize the numbers of your emergency
contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence
hotline.
ďKeep change and cash on you at all
times. Know where the nearest public phone
is located,
ďand have change available so you can use it
in an emergency situation to call for help.
ďAlso try to keep cash on hand for cab fare.
37. Know your abuserâs red flags.Know your abuserâs red flags.
ďAdditionally, to keep yourself safe from
domestic abuse and violence;
ďyou should document all abuse.
ďIf youâve been injured, take photographs. If
you have been abused in front of others, ask
witnesses to write down what they saw.
ďFinally, donât hesitate to call the police if your
abuser has hurt you or broken the law.
ď Contact the police even if you just think your
abuser might have broken a law.
ďAssaulting you, stealing from you, and
destroying your property are all crimes.
38. Protecting Your Children From Domestic
Violence and Abuse
ď Teach them not to get in the middle of a fight, even if
they want to help.
ď Teach them how to get to safety, to call 911, to give
your address and phone number to the police.
ď Teach them who to call for help.
ď Tell them to stay out of the kitchen.
ď Give school officials a copy of your court order; tell
them not to release your children to anyone without
talking to you first; use a password so they can be
sure it is you on the phone; give them a photo of the
abuser.
ď Make sure the children know who to tell at school if
they see the abuser.
ď Make sure that the school knows not to give your
address or phone number to anyone.
39. You realized you donât have aYou realized you donât have a
family of your ownâŚ.family of your ownâŚ.