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the difficult
CONVERSATION
Thinking like a mediator when addressing conflict with others enables you to remain resourceful,
curious and compassionate. In this series of mini-books you will learn how to apply the principles
and skills of a mediator to deal with a range of conflicts that you might experience at work.
The Difficult Conversation
There have been many books written on the subject of how to have difficult conversations; most are
lengthy, comprehensive and useful. This mini-book is your survival guide: It’s the kind of book you’d
expect to find in a life raft - enough information, strategies and top tips to help you navigate the
turbulent waters of a difficult conversation, no more, no less – and of course, it’s free!
How would you deal with each of these scenarios?
Imagine you are in the middle of a team meeting. You could be exploring ways of sharing best
practice across the team or improving sales performance or discussing how to allocate budget
for the next financial year. You have some valuable ideas that you think will make a difference but
you are new to the team and slightly apprehensive about making suggestions as your boss hasn’t
been particularly welcoming towards you so far. You take a leap of faith and put your ideas forward
at which point your boss cuts you down before hearing your ideas in full, and follows with a snide
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remark about you being a new member of the team and how you should know your place. You’re
angry, embarrassed and upset by the reaction yet you persevere and when asked for your views on
another topic you are met with the same reaction from your boss.
First things first – Preparation
Now you could argue that if you find yourself in a life raft – you’ve probably had very little time to
prepare, which is true. But you’re not in a life raft and therefore preparation is critical. The goal of
preparation is to maximise
the chances of you being
at the helm, and I’m not
talking about controlling
the conversation, I am
simply talking about being
in control of yourself.
Difficult conversations
will generate higher than
normal levels of anxiety for
most people, and therefore
having the capacity to
represent yourself in a way
that is coherent and true to
your values is important. By
preparing in advance will ensure you don’t sink in those vital first swells of the conversation. I’m not
advocating analysis paralysis either – just the essentials. So here they are:
Get your Head Straight
How you think will affect how you feel which will affect what you say – this is a fact. So your first
goal is to untangle your thinking. It is normal and natural for most people attempting a difficult
conversation to have morbid fantasies about what they’d like to say and do to the other person. This
feature rarely goes away despite how experienced and practiced you are at this. It is also normal to
think the other person is in the wrong, has behaved abhorrently, and it’s your job to set the straight.
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It’s also normal for you to suspect that their
actions are part of an elaborate campaign to
get at you. We make judgements about other
people, attributions about their motives and
intentions, none of which are useful in the
context of your desire to have an effective and
difficult conversation with your boss. This is
where thinking like a mediator is a powerful aid
to support you in the conversation, and requires
you to change the orientation of your thinking
from suspicion, blame, and judgement to
curiosity, contribution, and compassion.
Suspicion to Curiosity
By accessing a genuine mindset of
curiosity (the kind of curiosity you imagine
a young child experiencing in their very
early years), you can let go of the natural
inclination to be suspicious. Because when
you are genuinely curious you become
open to learning. After all, one of your
goals should be to have a mutually learning conversation – where you create
the context for a conversation, and where you both can learn. Embedded in this
mindset is also the assumption that you both are unwittingly contributing to
the problem; more about this later.
Top Tip – Assume that there’s a glimmer of a possibility that you’ve
missed something; despite how convinced you might be to the
contrary. Entertain this assumption and act like it is true. What’s the
worst thing that could happen if this assumption were true? What’s
the best thing that could happen if this assumption were true?
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Blame to Contribution
The easiest thing to do in this situation is to apportion blame on the offending
party – the perpetrator of the crime. After all, if it wasn’t for their behaviour
you wouldn’t be in this predicament, right? This kind of thinking will achieve
one thing – generate defensiveness and resistance in you and them, which
isn’t a good starting point for the conversation. However reflecting on your
contribution to the problem isn’t an easy road to take and not for the faint-
hearted.
Top Tip – Ask yourself if there was the slightest possibility that I
in some way have contributed to this, as crazy as it sounds, what
could that be? After all if you are genuinely curious and are already
assuming that you might have missed something, then couldn’t your
contribution be the one single variable that you’ve missed. Could
my contribution be lurking in my blind spot (this also requires you to
assume that you are fallible and have a blind spot)? And if so could it
be holding me back both personally and professionally? I’d want to
know about it, wouldn’t you?
Judgement to Compassion
Starting out in a conversation like this whilst being rooted firmly in a place of
compassion is really stacking your deck. Your compassion strategy should be a
two-pronged approach: Compassion for yourself and compassion for the other
person. Accessing a state of compassion provides a blanket of safety for you
because you’re just doing the best you can with honourable intent. Whereas
compassion for your colleague helps you to be open to their perspective.
Top Tip – Imagine your colleague is an innocent child, not yet wise to
the world. I’m not encouraging you to be patronising in any way but
just to think about them as a human being with vulnerabilities, like you,
and that they are just doing the best they can with what they’ve got.
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All these mindsets are in some way interrelated and each one supports the other. Only approach
your conversation when you are confident your thinking is consistent with these attitudes.
Get your Story Straight
Getting your story straight is a vital part of the preparation process because it accomplishes three
things:
1. Recalls what happened (your version of events)
2. Clarifies why this matters to you
3. Clarifies your outcome
All three are critical components of the difficult conversation.
First – Recalling what happened involves recalling what was said and done, leading up to, during
and after the ‘incident’. These details include both the content of what was said and the quality of
what was said and other defining moments such as a particular expression or hand gesture.
Top Tip – Imagine you had a video recorder of the event and were
able to play back the verbal and non-verbal components what would
you hear and see. Note this down, particularly the significant bits. The
data you record needs to be fact-based and not inference-based. In
other words if you were to pause the playback, you could say ‘you see
just there when you said XYZ and look you see how you rolled your
eyes at the same time’, which is fact-based rather than ‘you see just
there you were so condescending and rude’, which is inference-based.
Second – Clarifying why this matters to you is the most important part of the conversation. It is
after all the reason you are having the conversation. Conflict and difficult conversations are difficult
because they involve something that matters to us. There are two elements to this, first:
Emotion – How were you feeling when this ‘incident’ happened and how were you left feeling
afterwards. Contrary to popular belief feelings are important and they do matter. Articulate your
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feelings, were you feeling
hurt, upset, angry?
Needs – Why did this
‘incident’ affect you? Did you
feel let down? Did you feel
you weren’t being treated
fairly? Or that your views,
or you, yourself, were being
disregarded? Another way of
looking at this could also be
from the perspective of how
your hopes or expectations
weren’t met. Perhaps
working productively and
effectively is an important aspect of collaborative working and you’re left feeling concerned that
this might not be achieved as things stand. This is very important information to decipher because
it’s going to form the foundation by which you’ll have the conversation.
Finally – What is your end game? Understanding your outcome for the conversation will help steer
you towards a new destination. Do you want them to change their behaviour, or apologise, or do
something else? Think about your outcome and any requests you might want to make at the end.
Emotional State Management – Final Preparations
There are two key strategies that are normally disregarded in the moments leading up to a difficult
conversation, the power of which is grossly underestimated. They are breathing and Internal
Dialogue Control.
Breathing – Contrary to popular belief breathing is important, yet so many people forget to do this
when nervous or anxious which only serves to exacerbate their problems. When we find ourselves
in stressful or anxiety provoking situations we tend to breathe differently. There is a sociological
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explanation to this that dates back to primitive beings. Thousands of years ago, confronted by a
sabre tooth tiger, our inbuilt safety features ensured that blood was instantly diverted to our limbs
so that we could run away or stay and fight. This is called the “Fight-or-flight response”, which back
then, I imagine, was useful. Our heart rates increased and the desired chemical stimulants were
released throughout the body to activate this phenomenon.
Today, however, our sense of what jeopardises our safety has changed and to some extent become
slightly distorted. Unfortunately evolution has yet to catch up. So when confronted by situations
where we feel threatened, our bodies react in much the same way as they would thousands of years
ago. That’s a crude explanation but in a nutshell, that is what happens.
The solution? Diaphragmatic Breathing.
When stressed or anxious we now trigger short sharp shallow breaths, which perpetuate feelings
of stress and anxiety. This is normal and natural, by the way. One of the problems with this is that
we are not fully oxygenating our system for action. The other problem is that we are promoting the
release of adrenaline and cortisol through our bodies – which isn’t a good thing when we want to
stay calm and composed.
Diaphragmatic breathing (commonly known as deep-belly breathing) helps reduce the release of
adrenalin and the toxic chemical cortisol at the same time increasing the oxygen volume to the
brain and other vital organs. It’s not rocket science and it’s so easy to do.
Top Tip – Imagine you are inflating a football (if you are American – soccer
ball) which is located in your lower abdomen. As you slowly breath in you’ll
begin to notice how the ball begins to inflate thus expanding your tummy
outwards, unless your tummy already sticks out in which case it will get
bigger, only temporarily until you release the intake of breath! Your in-breath
should last for at least 5 seconds or until your tummy and lungs are fully
inflated. Next, hold your breath for 5 seconds and then slowly exhale through
pursed lips for another 5 seconds. Repeat this for 4 or 5 cycles and notice how
a sense of calmness begins to descend upon you! Not quite, but it’s a whole
lot better than panting and you’ll quickly notice the subtle benefits.
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Internal Dialogue Control (IDC) - We all have the capacity to talk to ourselves from time to time,
some more than others. This is a normal and natural process, so don’t be alarmed! Our internal
dialogue can be a resource to us and at the same time can be a hindrance to us. It can be helpful to
remind ourselves that we’ve performed well during a work task such as a difficult conversation with
a colleague or customer or to reassure ourselves that things will turn out well despite our concerns.
Internal dialogue becomes problematic when used for self-criticism, or worse, when used to put
ourselves down.
For example, coming out of a challenging meeting and saying to our self: ‘That didn’t go well; I can’t
believe I forgot to clarify that last question, by the end of it they looked a bit confused.’ is one thing.
Coming out of the same meeting and saying to yourself: ‘I am such a stupid idiot, why did I ever think
I could influence this person, they must think I’m such a loser....’ will have a much greater impact on
us than the first comment because in this last comment we make a toxic generalisation about our
identity which will inevitably affect our self-esteem. Our internal dialogue plays a vital part in our
Emotional State Management.
Top Tip – Listen to your internal dialogue as you prepare for a difficult
conversation. Your goal is to filter out any toxic comments or statements,
and replace them with more compassionate ones. Remember, earlier I
talked about self-compassion; this is one way of doing it.
Toxic Internal Dialogue
Compassion Filter
Compassionate Internal Dialogue
I should be able to handle this, I’m not I know this is going to be a difficult and uncomfortable
letting him walk all over me again – just interaction and there’s a good chance I might feel
wait and see. threatened or vulnerable. But if I do, then I’ll simply
say so and ask for a timeout.
If he speaks to me in that tone of voice It’s going to be a real challenge for me not to react
again, I’ll give him a piece of my mind. to the way he might talk to me. Maintaining my
composure and representing myself well is important
for me.
You have done all you need to do to prepare for the conversation, you are ready.
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The Conversation
It’s only fair given that you’ve had time to prepare that you allow the other person time to plan if
they want to. The last thing you want to do is to blow all this wonderful preparation by attempting
to hijack the conversation. All that will happen is that they’ll get defensive, which will trigger
your defensiveness and the conversation will slowly turn into a mush – Man Overboard! You just
don’t want that. After all, you are thinking compassionately aren’t you? So logistics and rules of
engagement are the building blocks to an effective conversation.
Logistics
This is about planning the where and when aspects of your approach. Announcing at the start of
the team meeting that you’d like to raise this issue with your boss may not be the best time for
them, you, or other members of the team. And besides the skills you’ll need for that are way too
sophisticated for me to cover in this guide. Nor do you want to choose a time when they are about
to walk into a board meeting, or as they get into their car at the end of a working day. Choose a time
and a place that will be most convenient for you both, and also reduce your preoccupation with the
fact that others may listen in on your conversation. Choose a time and a place where you both are
likely to be psychologically available. Choosing where and when is important to stack the deck in
your favour as well as theirs. Remember your goal isn’t to trap, trick, or surprise them.
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Rules of Engagement
The idea of planning your approach in the way I am proposing is designed to maximise the chances
of you both talking about what you intend to talk about and reducing the likelihood of being side-
tracked by other matters. It also ensures that you both feel as comfortable as is possible to talk to
each other, and that you are on as much of an equal footing as possible. It would be unusual for you
not to feel apprehension and some level of anxiety at this point, but the goal is to be in charge of
yourself (Emotional State Management) so you can think clearly and communicate coherently.
Signpost and Roadmap
Signpost
This is where you provide a
headline of the conversation
you want to have with the
other person – a signpost of
what’s coming if they choose
to accept. It might sound
something like this:
“I’d like to talk to you about
the team meeting yesterday,
specifically how I felt when you
stopped me mid-conversation
and said something about my
role. This happened a number
of times and I’m upset about that. I’m also puzzled as to why you responded that way so I’m keen to
find out what caused that.” You are briefly describing the ‘incident’, sharing your feelings, and also
demonstrating curiosity by wanting to understand what might be behind it all.
“My goal for having this conversation with you is to clear up any misunderstandings that may exist
between us, and also ensure that I can work effectively with you and the team in the future.” You are
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expressing your goal for the conversation and
are being transparent and succinct about what
you want. At this stage I would not be leaping to
attributions about wanting to be treated respectfully
in future and included in the group – this can come
out later if you feel necessary.
“I’d like to do that now if that’s ok with you?” If now
isn’t a convenient time I’d like to agree a time that
is sooner rather than later, as this is important to
me. What works best for you?” It would be easy for
your boss to avoid this conversation, and probably
most desirable, so notice how you are assertively
narrowing down his options; talk now or agree a
specific time.
If all goes to plan and the other person is willing to
talk now you can move on to the next stage - The Roadmap.
Roadmap
You’ve got their agreement to talk about it, now you need a framework for the conversation.
Proposing this gives the conversation a structure and a methodical pattern. It also reduces the
possibility of the conversation deviating from your initial proposal; subject to it being accepted by
the other person, of course. This next bit could sound something like this:
“I want to suggest a way to do this that gives both of us time to think and respond to what’s being said.
I’m open to the possibility that I’ve either missed something or in some way contributed to this, so I’d like
to hear your reactions to what I’ve got to say and also get your perspective.”
“Here’s how I thought we could do it: I start by describing my perspective, what I remember about what
happened and get your reaction.”
“I’d like to say how it left me feeling and the impact I think it could have on me, and I’d like to hear your
thoughts on that.”
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“I’d then like to explore ways between us that
could ensure that when we work together in
future we work effectively together.”
“Do you have any questions or concerns
about what I‘m proposing?”
This is the point where you begin your
conversation. Now is your chance
to expand on what you’ve already
signposted to them that you’d like to talk
about. Describe what was said in more
detail, recalling specific words or expressions, and expand on how this left you feeling and give a
context to it.
Remember:
• Be compassionate to yourself and acknowledge to yourself that it has taken a huge amount of
courage to raise this in the first place.
• Be compassionate to the other person, there’s a good chance they’re feeling rotten, guilty or
uncomfortable inside.
• Be curious and listen to their version of events, this is their version of the truth which is equally as
valid as your version.
• Be curious to the possibility that you have in some way unwittingly contributed to this problem.
You are keen to learn if this is the case. After all, it is a shared problem. Being open to hearing
about your contribution will massively reduce defensive routines in you and them.
Top Tip – If they recall the ‘incident’ differently to you, avoid getting
caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the
truth. It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see
things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as
a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.
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Problem Solving and Solutions
Assuming the conversation has gone well so far, which if you have followed this strategy there’s
a good chance it has, you are now ready to move into the final part of the conversation: Problem
Solving and Solutions.
Remember, your goal is to clear up any misunderstandings that may exist between the two of
you and also ensure that you are able to work effectively with them and the team in the future.
Keep this in mind throughout this next part, as this will be the criteria by which you will judge the
effectiveness of any solutions you create between you both.
Transition Between Phases
When making the transition between exploring and clarifying each others understanding to
problem solving and solutions, remember to summarise where you have both got up to so far in the
conversation and check that their understanding is consistent with yours. Then ask if they are ready
to move on, and begin generating some ideas on how to work together more effectively in the
future. There are a couple of ways of doing this:
First is to propose ways which you think would help in your endeavours to work effectively. You may
have already formed some ideas in your head as you’ve been talking – now’s your time to suggest
them. Remember, this is a shared problem and that requires a shared solution, one that you both
are accountable for and are internally committed to fulfilling.
Another way is to ask them if they have any thoughts about how you could work together better
and avoid this situation in the future.
Top Tip – Expressing your outcome as a future-orientated outcome such
as ‘working together effectively in future’ rather than rooted in the past
such as ‘avoid this situation happening again’ can sometimes be easier to
digest and promote a generous spirit during problem solving.
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Narrowing your Options into a workable agreement
During the process of generating options avoid evaluating them at this stage – consider this if
you like, a brainstorming process whereby any idea will be entertained. When you feel you have
exhausted ideas, you can now begin the process of narrowing them down into workable solutions.
Make sure that the robustness of your solutions is thoroughly tested. In other words don’t agree
to anything that you feel might not
be sustainable. If you have concerns
about the sustainability of a solution,
say so right there and then, and share
your reasoning. It is important that you
both can feel internally committed and
accountable for any agreement.
SMART Agreements
The more specific you can design your
agreement the more likely it will be
sustainable. So, be:
• Specific – who, what, where, when and how
• Measurable – how will you know you’re on track or off track
• Achievable – do you have the capacity and resources to fulfil this agreement
• Realistic – under the circumstances is this a realistic expectation
• Time dependent – frequency and timeliness of commitments
Concluding
Well done, you’re almost there! Closing off is an important bit. During this final chapter you will be
thanking them for their time, consideration and patience. You might want to acknowledge that this
might have seemed like a mechanical approach to working through a problem and appreciate them
for sticking with it, and that you hope they found it useful. Also say how much you are now looking
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forward to working with your colleague in the future.
That’s it, you’re done.
Typical reactions to this approach
It’s likely most of you are reading this and thinking that
this is a fairly radical approach to having a conversation
about something relatively insignificant. Yes, you’re
probably right and I come from the school of ‘nipping
it in the bud’. Most people avoid going down this
route and say to themselves ‘that’s all a bit too heavy
or serious, it isn’t that big-a-deal’, which is one way of
looking at it. The other way of looking at it (through my
compassionate lenses) is ‘I just don’t know how to raise
this issue with my boss, this is a new way of communicating with them, one which I’m unfamiliar
with and I’m worried they won’t take me seriously or think I’m a bit strange...’, sounds familiar?
Whenever I meet parties or litigants prior to a mediation meeting and I ask them how all this started,
they invariably reply by saying; “Well, it’s funny you ask that because it all started over something really
small and insignificant...” I rest my case!
Top Tip – The smallest issues can turn into the biggest problems and the
irony is that most people overestimate the risk of addressing the conflict
early, and underestimate the consequences of avoiding it and doing nothing.
Yes, following this approach is different, but as someone once said ‘the definition of insanity is doing
the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result’.
Do something different.
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ABOUT ALED
about
ALED
Aled is an experienced mediator and facilitator first cutting his teeth as a mediator in South Africa
in the late nineties during which time he was working in the diamond mining industry. He later
raised private equity and started up his own diamond operation in Angola where his mediation and
facilitation skills were instrumental
in building his business and
surviving to tell the tale!
Aled now runs his consultancy
Resolve (GB) Ltd whose principle
aim is to help their clients address
unresolved conflicts and improve
their operationally effectiveness.
Aled applies his expertise to help
his clients address conflict and
the undiscussable issues that
affect business performance and
stakeholder relationships.
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ABOUT ALED
With a FTSE100 client list, Aled’s facilitation and mediation expertise are sought after and he works
with senior management teams and executive boards to develop their thinking and improve the
way they communicate not just with each other but with key external stakeholders. As a result
his clients find that important decisions get made quicker, are of significantly higher quality,
relationships radically improve and overall team effectiveness increased.
Aled also trains aspiring commercial and workplace mediators and co-leads Europe’s leading
Commercial Mediation Training Programme, alongside David Richbell and Jane Gunn of MATA. He
regularly speaks at international mediation conferences and at client conferences on a range of
subjects.
He is also a member of the Next Century Foundation, a political think tank originally set up to broker
peace in the Middle East through track two diplomacy, the organisation now has a broader remit
and works in other conflict zones around the globe. Aled is also a trustee and volunteer of a West
London Mediation charity.
As a graduate of Loughborough University Aled is naturally an avid rugby supporter, Welsh rugby in
particular and early in his rugby career he made appearances for the Leicester Tigers and Cardiff RFC
before going on to play in South Africa. He has now settled in London where he lives with his wife
and two young children.
To find out how Aled can help your organisation, contact:
aled.davies@resolvegb.com
or call +44 (0)207 1270045
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