Men often respond to their wife or partner's anger with the belief they need to fix something so she will calm down. Irony is, she may not always be mad about something he can fix. The more he tries to fix it, the more angry she can get because what she really wants is for him to pay attention to her, or as she would say, "Just listen to me!" Paul W. Anderson, PhD 913-991-2302 - Kansas City, MO

1. WHY IS MY WIFE ALWAYS MAD AT ME?
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2. SO WHAT?
It Makes Us Guys Uncomfortable Because:
1. Men want approval from their loved one.
2. Men are geared to fix things:
a. Something is wrong if she’s mad
b. “Fix it” (calm her down) so I can get calm again
c. If I can’t fix it, I feel powerless. Not good.
3. Men, as a rule, are not trained to stay calm/neutral in the face of
emotional intensity .
4. Men are more sensitive than most people
know, even men themselves.
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3. PEOPLE DON’T KEEP DOING SOMETHING THAT DOES
NOT PROVIDE A PAY-OFF.
What Is The Payoff/Benefit That Comes As A
Result Of My Wife Being Angry At Me?
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4. THE HUSBAND GETS HOOKED. THE WIFE GETS
HIS ATTENTION.
Keep In Mind These Relationship Principles:
1. People who fight are not finished with each other. They are
reacting to each other. You don’t react to someone you don’t care
about. They take each other into account, pay attention. They are
engaged and CONNECTED!
2. The degree or amount of reactivity is a measure of the extent of
connection in a relationship. Either Positive or Negative reaction
can result in connection.
a. One is certainly more destructive of the relationship, the other builds
it up.
3. What get’s rewarded or reinforced gets repeated. If her anger gets
him to pay attention and connect with her, what’s to stop her from
doing it again?
a. Especially if that’s the only or major way he really gives her his
attention.
b. In this sense, fixing the problem is self-defeating. She can always
come up with more reasons to be angry than he can ever fix or
solve!
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5. WHAT I HAVE FOUND TO BE TRUE OF COUPLE
EMOTIONAL DYNAMICS
1. The Husband Who Asks: “Why Is My Wife Always Mad At Me?” Is In An
Emotionally Malnourished Relationship.
2. Men want to be admired.
3. Women want to be wanted.
4. Both want to join with each other to solve problems, not make each
other the problem.
5. Couples cannot work together on issues unless they stay connected,
both emotionally and physically.
How To Build Bridges, Not Bunkers?
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6. WHAT’S A HUSBAND TO DO?
Don’t point a finger at her and say, “But she….” Do your part. Maybe she’ll
do hers. Do your job as husband no matter what she does or doesn’t
do.
1. Don’t wait for the next anger storm, assuming all is well if she isn’t mad.
2. Pay regular, positive ATTENTION to your wife, like a farmer who cultivates
his fields. Date, court, listen, ask questions about her, not the things
she’s doing.
3. How did you show her you wanted her in the beginning? Repeat, repeat,
repeat.
a. Courtship after marriage counts more than before.
4. Learn to use “Emotional Intelligence.” Talk, talk, talk.
a. Connect emotionally.
b. Be open and vulnerable about yourself.
c. Be kind and not “Mr. Fix-it” when she talks about herself.
d. Problem solve only when she asks for it. Don’t offer that yourself.
e. No mind reading!
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7. It’s Not About The
Nail
(A video that portrays the double bind
men can experience with an upset
woman.)
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