Tim Ervin part 1

1. Managing
Anger
Presented By: Tim Ervin, LCPC
Counseling for Solutions, LLC
Arlington Heights, IL. 60005
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2. Training Topics
What is really behind anger: Triggers and signs
How the brain works
Cognitive distortions
The cycle of acceptance
When is anger considered to be a problem and
how far could it affect general health?
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3. Training Topics
The Johari model
Assertive management and setting realistic boundaries
Problem solving techniques
Using clean language
Fitting in the transactional analysis mode
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4. Training Topics
Acknowledging psychological contracts
Breathing and deep relaxation techniques
Cognitive restructuring techniques
The rational emotive theory
Emotional freedom techniques
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5. Training Topics
Integrated personal development
Humor and energy psychology
When is it healthy to be angry
Glasser’s ‘Choice Theory’
Fisher’s process of personal change
Self-help script for anger management
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6. Anger: What is it?
Anger is a reaction. It’s a pseudo or secondary emotion that comes
to the surface as a result of other hidden emotions such as fear,
pain, lack of respect, lack of appreciation, etc.
Anger is an adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful and
sometimes aggressive feelings to trigger the “fight or flight” modes.
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7. Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms
Anger can be unpredictable and -if left untamed- could affect your
quality of work and social life. It’s accompanied by physiological and
biological changes. The way we are brought up and our cultural
background affect the way we express anger. You can be angry about
thoughts, people or events.
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8. Anger: Its Nature & Symptoms
• We become angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
• We are hardly ever angry for the reasons we think.
• We often get angry when we see a trait in others which we can't stand in
ourselves.
• Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas and
triggers.
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9. Anger: How the Brain Works
All that any living creature can do is behave
according to internal motivation. All behaviors
are ideally purposeful flexible and creative.
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10. How the Brain Works
In our attempt to gain more effective control,
we behave to get the mental picture we want in
our brain all the time. No matter how painful
or self destructive it appears to be. Every
behavior is always our best attempt to get what
we want.
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11. How the Brain Works
People who are healthy, feel good and adopt a
behavior that is not destructive nor threatening
to themselves or others. They are generally in
effective control of their lives.
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12. Paths of Anger
Anger triggers are common and frequent but how far we get
provoked, affects our peace of mind and life relationships. The map
below will help you 1) decide where you are now, 2) decide where
you want to go, 3) choose the best path to get there and 4) go down
the chosen path.
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13. 50 Ways for Anger Management
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14. Paths of Anger
OK: represents a neutral state; e.g.; either people who may be meeting
for the first time or who have had animosity in the past but have now
resolved their problems.
Insult: somewhere between frustrated, annoyed, and enraged. This is
when someone has an almost uncontrollable urge to lash out and act
now.
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15. The Paths of Anger
Angry: this is when: “something has got to change”. Here
it is advised to cool off and reflect before thinking about
the action that needs to be taken. The yellow color
indicates the need for caution in choosing the next path.
Retaliation: A form of destructive “anger display” where
raised voices, yelling, threatening, insulting, and even
physical actions such as clenched or raised fists are used
in an attempt to intimidate or coerce someone.
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16. The Paths of Anger
Enraged: Tempers are flaring. Here a person could be obsessed with anger.
The enraged person is not thinking clearly and is considering revenge. The
orange color represents moderate to high danger levels.
De-escalation: To walk away, calm down, or apologize.
Overtly Violent: Ranging in intensity from a tantrum, to disrespectful or
obscene gestures and verbal abuse. The red color represents high to extreme
danger levels.
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17. The Paths of Anger
Non-resolution: Is a form of inaction, avoidance or submission
Resignation: Someone’s resignation in the face of unresolved anger may
not be OK. Take steps toward a reconciliation.
Dominance Contest: This is also know as the “show down” or “stand
off”, like a public test for fighting ability. The orange color represents
moderate to high danger levels.
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18. The Paths of Anger
You Prevail: and I capitulate. You win and I lose, but the problem is still there.
I Prevail: I win and you lose, but the problem is not resolved.
Covertly-Violent: “Who me? I didn't do a thing”. Such inaction by some very
angry and insincere people who work hard at appearing polite and civilized.
The red color represents high to extreme danger levels.
Reconciliation: Get rid of the burden and resolve anger.
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19. 84% Strongly
Agree People
should seek help
64% Agree People
are getting Angrier
A Survey
conducted in Great
Britain on Anger
28% Worry About
their Anger
20% of
Relationships
ended
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20. Anger Might Lead to..
•Depression or anxiety
•Sleep problems
•Alcohol or drug addictions
•Eating disorders
• Compulsive behavior e.g. excessive
cleaning, overworking
• Self-harm
•Increased heart beat
•High blood pressure
•Increased respiration
•Headache
•Digestion problems – contributing to the
development of heartburn, ulcers,
colitis, gastritis or irritable bowel
syndrome
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21. Physiological
Reaction to Anger
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22. The Vicious
Circle of Anger
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23. Negative Behaviors Caused by Latent Anger
It is very tough to have many successful relationships with suppressed,
unresolved anger inside, because anger results in behaviors such as:
•
Being mean to people indirectly, without telling them why
•
Acting in a cynical and hostile manner
•
Constantly putting others down, criticizing everything
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24. Anger: What’s Really Behind it?
People are not the same in how bad and how
quick they could get angry. There is a genetic
factor which make some people more “hot –
headed” and get angry more easily than others.
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25. The Genetic Factor
People who get angry easily, have low tolerance for frustration and hate
to be subjected to it. Frustration is a violation to the personal standards
they are willing to accept. They hate to be corrected, even for minor
mistakes.
Some research has proven a gene called “The warrior gene” to play an
important role in hot-tempered people.
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26. Unrealistic Expectations
Another reason why we can get angry is setting an unrealistic standard of
expectation from the circumstances or people around us. For
example, expecting another person to read your mind or exactly
understand your feelings, expecting the traffic to always be
smooth, expecting your boss to have a solution to all your problems, or
even hoping your spouse would always be ready to help...!
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28. Cognitive Distortions
•Mental Filter: when you pay attention to one
negative detail and downplay the whole picture.
•Black or white thinking: viewing a situation in one
of two categories (yes/no)instead of ranking it.
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29. Cognitive Distortions
•Fortune Telling: being pessimistic about the
future and jumping to conclusions.
•Mind Reading: being sure about what others
are thinking without considering other
possibilities.
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30. Cognitive Distortions
• Disregarding the positives: When you believe
that good experiences don’t count.
• Emotional Reasoning: relying on feelings to
come up with conclusions and downplaying
facts or investigations.
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31. Cognitive Distortions
Labeling: Yourself or stereotyping others, without
considering evidence.
Magnification/minimization: unreasonably
magnifying the negative or minimizing positive
aspects.
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32. Cognitive Distortions
•Overgeneralization: making a sweeping negative conclusion about a
situation without any research.
•Personalization: Thinking others are behaving negatively because of you.
•Should/Must Statements: When you are not flexible or open to
compromise with the behavior of others.
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33. The Cycle of Acceptance
This is the default cycle of anger that takes full
round if you don’t interfere and manage anger.
It could waste much time and put work and
family relationships at stake if not controlled.
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35. Do You Have an Authentic Life?
Lack of congruence between what you think, love, believe in, desire and
your outer world could cause great unease sometimes channeled through
anger. If you are stuck in this square you need to ask yourself the hard
questions about whether you are really living your authentic and real life?
( A good reference would be Susan Piver’s ‘100 Hard Questions’).
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36. Wrong Procedures to Resolve Anger
Sometimes ignoring the whole situation, or even thinking that remaining
permanently silent makes you think your anger will drain away. Not true.
Problem solving, understanding root causes of anger, challenges given under
the situation, personality types and expectations of the people your are
angry with, will help you take the right turn to boil things down, as we shall
see in the following slides.
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37. Guilt
Anger Out
Remorse
Irritation
Suppressed
Anger
Mal Adaptive Cycle of
Anger Management
Resentment
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38. When is Anger a Problem?
Anger becomes a problem when it harms you or people
around you. This can depend on whether you express your
anger and how you express it. When you don’t express
your anger, or release it during inappropriate times or in
unsafe ways, this is when it can damage your health and
your relationships.
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39. Isolation,
Physical
Illness,
hostility
Outburst
Genetic
factor
Suppression
Violation of
personal
standards
Violation of
Personal
Standards
Fig 2 Example for unmanaged
Anger: Unresolved suppression
can lead to negative behaviors
and health hazards.
Fig 3 Example for unmanaged
Anger: The intensity of Outburst
varies depending on the genetic
factor.
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40. 50 Ways for Anger Management
First you need to watch out for anger riggers and try to
reverse these. If not, you can practice any of the
channels that will follow that help in effective coping
with anger, including:
 Expressing it in an assertive way
 Suppressing and recreating it
 Preventing it from surging
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41. 1. Learn your Triggers
This is part of understanding yourself: What makes
you really angry?
• When the traffic is jammed?
• When you are misunderstood?
• When you are criticized?
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42. Learn Your Triggers
Becoming aware of what is making you angry can sometimes be enough
to help, because this may make you feel that it’s something you can
control or pin down and operate on for yourself. However, if you are
finding it difficult to recognize your triggers, you may want to try talking
to someone who is trained to help you understand your feelings and the
reasons for them.
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43. Be Aware of Anger Signs
But first you must be aware of the signs that warn
you that you are about to get angry, for example:
Irritation, frustration, negative
thinking, hostility, depletion of energy, your heart is
beating faster, you are breathing more quickly, your
body is becoming tense, your feet are
tapping, clenching your fists, ...what?
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44. Be Aware of Anger Signs
When you recognize these signs you have the
chance to think about how you want to react to a
situation before doing anything. This can be very
difficult if you feel angry, but it is possible to train
yourself to pause and think about your course of
action before expressing your feelings.
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45. 2. Map Where You Are in: The Johari Model
1. What is known by the person about him/herself and is also known
by others - open area, open self, free area, free self, or 'the arena'
2. What is unknown by the person about him/herself but which
others know - blind area, blind self or 'blindspot‘.
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46. The Johari Model: Map Where You Are
3. What the person knows about him/herself that others do not know
- hidden area, hidden self, avoided area, avoided self or 'facade'
4. What is unknown by the person about him/herself and is also
unknown by others - unknown area or unknown self
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47. Fig 4 The Johari
Window Model
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48. The Johari Model
By telling others how we feel and other information
about ourselves we reduce the hidden area, and
increase the open area, which enables better
understanding and lesser friction. Reducing hidden
areas assists in managing or preventing intensified
anger from you and the people you communicate
with.
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49. 3. Release Your Anger Assertively
To be able to release your anger in a constructive
manner, by having a crystal clear idea what your problems
and needs are and what you expect the other party to do to
help you resolve the matter. You need not be
directive, needy nor pushy. You need to respect yourself
and not hurt the feelings of the people/person you are
confronting.
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50. Assertiveness Management
As soon as you're thinking clearly, express your frustration
in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your
concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting
others or trying to control them by using “I” statements
rather than “You” statements. For example, say, "I'm upset
that you refused to offer to help with..." instead of: “You
are never being helpful ".
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51. Assertiveness Management
Remember that excessive anger and aggressiveness
can get in the way of communicating what you are
angry about. People stop listening to you and focus
on your anger instead.
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52. Assertiveness Management
If you are able to express your anger by talking
in an ‘assertive’ tone about what has made you
angry, this will produce better results for you.
Being assertive doesn’t mean hurting others, it
means standing up for yourself, while still
respecting other people and their opinions.
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53. Assertiveness Management
If you are used to hiding your feelings you might need to practice a
constructive way of expressing your anger. This is because talking about
your anger assertively makes communication easier, prevents tense
situations getting out of control, anchors mutual trust in your
relationships, boosts self-esteem, helps keep you physically and mentally
well.
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54. Tips on Assertiveness Management
Following these tips doesn't mean you will never get
angry, but it should help you express your anger in a
constructive manner and feel in control of yourself:
Pause. Think ahead and ask yourself :Do you just
need to explain what you are angry about or do you
want to change something and to resolve the
problem?
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55. Tips on Assertiveness Management
Breathe steadily – this will help you keep calm.
Be specific and use facts.
Treat the other person with courtesy.
Try to spot it if the conversation takes a wrong direction and anger
intensifies. Take a time out and come back another time.
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56. 4. Talk Openly and Clearly
Avoid words with vague or multiple meanings.
Avoid mixed messages by synchronizing your
words with your body language
Maintain eye contact
Try to support your opinion with facts
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57. Talk Openly and Clearly
Only 7% of meaning is expressed in spoken words.
38% of meaning is paralinguistic (the way the
words are said).
55% is communicated through facial expression.
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58. 5. Listen
Hear people out. Jumping to conclusions will
make people less motivated to justify their
opinion. It creates tension.
Don’t get defensive when being criticized, try to
read what’s underlying the words.
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59. Listen
Use effective listening techniques: Restate what
the other person said and ask questions
relevant to the subject matter to make sure you
are keeping track with how the other person
envisions the problem and if he’s ready to give
a hand.
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60. Listen
Types of Listening that are bad for anger management:
•Passive/not listening - noise in background - ignoring
•Pretend listening - also called 'responsive listening' - using stock nods and
smiles and ‘uhum’, yes, of course, etc.
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61. Listen
Types of Listening that are bad for anger management:
•Biased/projective listening - 'selective listening' and intentionally
disregarding/dismissing the other person's views
•Misunderstood listening - unconsciously overlaying your own
interpretations and making things fit when they don't
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62. Listen
Types of Listening that are healthy for anger management:
Attentive listening - personally-driven fact gathering and analysis often
without manipulation of the other person.
Active listening - understanding feelings and gathering facts for unselfish
purposes.
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63. Listen
Types of Listening that are healthy for anger management:
Empathic listening - understanding and checking facts and
feelings, usually with a listener's perspective.
Facilitative listening - listening, understanding fully, and helping, with the
other person's needs uppermost.
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64. “Nature arranges it so that we can’t shut our
ears but that we can shut our mouths..”
Unkown
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65. 6. Empathy
Empathy is not an easy treat when someone is
angry, but it can make all the difference in the world.
Considering the condition of the other person in the
middle of a heated argument is tough, but with
practice it can become second nature.
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66. 7. Work on Mutual Trust Bonding
Trust helps us have sensible, adult discussions.
It is about listening and understanding - not
necessarily agreeing (which is different) - to the
other person. But Listening without judging.
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67. 8. Fight Fair
Take into consideration the best interests of the person you are
arguing with. Respect his priorities and seek a win-win resolution so
the problem wouldn’t pop up again and again.
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68. 9. Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills
 Plan the exact outcomes you want, the time span, the
costs involved, etc.
Highlight the people who will help you in your plans
and make a good faith effort to network with them.
.
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69. Enhance Your Problem Solving Skills
Involve experts in the field while you plan.
Understand your limitations and be realistic.
Research how you will make up for these limitations.
Avoid the “all or nothing” mentality. Problem
solving-like any learning process-is time consuming.
Work hard on generating alternatives and
contingencies.
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70. “Believe it is possible to solve your problems.
Tremendous things happen to the believer.
So believe the answer will come. It will.”
Norman Vincent Peale
American Author
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