1. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

2. I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time: I think I've forgotten this before. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

3. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

4. OK, so what's the speed of dark? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

5. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

6. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

7. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

8. Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

9. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

10. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

11. You can’t have everything… where would you put it? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

12. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

13. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

14. I intend to live forever – so far, so good Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

16. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

17. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

18. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

19. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

21. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

22. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

23. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

24. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

25. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

26. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

27. The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

28. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

29. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

30. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

31. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

32. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

33. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

34. A fool and his money are soon partying Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

35. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

36. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

37. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

38. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

39. On the other hand, you have different fingers Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

40. Someone sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here" Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

41. I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

42. What's another word for Thesaurus? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

43. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

44. If you are sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

45. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

46. It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is - it’s always room temperature Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

47. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

48. Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

49. If a man says something in the woods, and there are no women there, is he still wrong? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

50. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

51. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

52. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

53. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

54. If you take an oriental man and spin him around, does he become disoriented? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

55. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

56. “ I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. “I do” is the longest sentence. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

57. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it “Fed UP”? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

58. What hair colour do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

59. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

60. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

61. If it’s true that we are here to help others, what are the others here for? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

62. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

63. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

64. What ever happened to Preparation A through G? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

65. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

66. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

67. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

68. It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

69. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

70. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

71. I have an inferiority complex…. It’s not a very good one. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

72. Why isn’t the word ‘phonetically’ spelled with an ‘f’? Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

73. I know a guy who was a clown… when he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car. Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

74. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths . Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright

75. I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner . Words of Wisdom by Steven Wright