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Love is a concept that we learn and believe we know from a very young age. My three year old
daughter expresses her love for me, her father, the animals and the flowers daily. How does she
know what love is? Perhaps for her it means a sense of connection, peace and beauty, a valid use
of the word. There are undoubtedly many forms and phases of love. Love is quite an overworked
word actually, it could have numerous subordinate or separate words to more precisely label what
kind of love one is referring to when one uses the word "love".
Lets have a quick look at alternate words, concepts and feelings that relate to love. There is
parental love, sibling love, a love of humanity, a feeling of empathy, respect, affection, pleasure,
care, passion, lust, delight, endearment, appreciation, adoration, charity, sympathy, concern, a
taste for, a yearning for, infatuation, devotion, worship and attachment. Some are more general
and can relate to either animate or inanimate objects. Mostly we have a complex combination of
these feelings towards people that we have a relationship with and rather than accurately defining
and expressing these feelings, it's much easier to just say that we love them.
For the purpose of this article I'll be exploring the adult heterosexual relationship and the forms of
love that occur after childhood and probably before menopause, as this is probably the most
relevant for anyone researching this topic. If we are striving for long term relationships that work,
we need to identify healthy verses toxic forms of love and see how this relates to our current and
prospective relationships.
It is very possible that we all have a different internal idea of what love is and most of us have a
challenging time expressing just what particular type of love we have for a person. It is true that
our ideas about love are shaped at a very young age and it does influence us walking into
adulthood, as various psychoanalysts would testify to. We may also become stuck in an immature
concept of love due to past events and our reactions to them. Subjectively and objectively, one
persons idea of what kind of love is appropriate for a particular relationship, may be too little or too
much for the other person involved.
Childhood and Love
We start off with the maternal love that you received as a baby, followed presumably by paternal
and family love. Some of us had very little or perhaps skewed ideals of love from our parents and
family. Perhaps we felt smothered or even neglected during childhood. We grew up as a young
child within a family unit or with representatives thereof, and varying degrees of social influences
and perceived expectations. We developed various friendships and other relationships that formed
and shaped us too, leading us into our hormone rampant teenage-hood where we probably
rediscovered and redefined our concept of love with the opposite sex. This was the first

2. autonomous expression and idea of love relationships we projected into the world, that is why we
can have a hard time moving on from our "first love".
The culture doesn't help us much with fairy stories of women being saved by knights in shining
armor, falling instantly in love, with very little courtship, immediate marriage with no mention of
careers or financial concerns, leaving us with absolutely no clue as to what happens after "...
happily ever after". It would seem that life stories end in marriage and for some it sort of does.
Images bombard us from advertising, and other media and that mostly have very little to do with
reality and true life scenarios, creating a personal collection of false experience that can effect our
behavior within relationships.
If you, like so many of us on this imperfect planet, had a rough childhood, the advice I would give
is to trust in your innate goodness and truth. Make it shine through your actions, let your true intent
lead you. We all come into this world though an experience of love or connection, we were all
equal and innocent at birth and this innate sense of love is always available to each one of us
when we are open to it.
If your parents were emotionally immature, you may have felt responsible for one or both of them,
though this was not really your role to play as the child. Adopt only the best attributes of your
parents and significant role models as your own. Believe that your parents did the best they could,
as they themselves were challenged by their own disposition and/or wounds through societal or
personal flaws. Forgive them and be better than them, for you are the latest genetic model! You
have the right to be your own person with your own values based on your unique experience of
life. Take charge of your individual ideas of love and commitment. Own the responsibility for
yourself.
Life is a continual learning process. Learn like a child does, without judgment of oneself and
through experimentation. Sometimes we are misunderstood, if your attempts to clarify are in vain,
it may not be solvable and you should let go of having to over express yourself, this attachment to
justifying oneself can also be destructive, especially if the other person is addicted to seeking out
your positive or negative attention. There are some relationships and aspects of ideal relationships
that one has to let go of in order to soldier forth with dignity and integrity in life.
Sex and Love
Ok now we are talking! Sex and love is arguably the driving force of humanity. The vast majority of
humans on the planet share a common interest on this subject.
Is the aerobic thumping, beating and knocking together of two hot sweaty bodies really good sex?
This kind of sex could be seen as a battle of opposites, with one seeking to control the other, than
really making love. Perhaps this is sufficiently satisfying for some, though perhaps they could
consider a good exercise routine to work off their excess energy, so that they could experience a
more blissful, euphoric and satisfying experience of sex.
Making love not war. The nature of harmonious sex is a dance where you wish to pleasure each
other and take turns in giving and receiving, this is a love battle. Since most women enjoy more
foreplay, a male partner seeking to pleasure you foremost is a good find for her! The more you
arouse and pleasure your partner the more turned on you become, the battle is then transformed

3. into a passionate symphony of varying rhythms, themes, melodies and the emphasis is thus based
on the empathic flow of energy between two people. The sexual act is where two people
participate in a divine flowing magical dance.
A good sexual partner who is equally as interested and compatible is definitely worth pursuing and
not always easy to find. Great sexual union brings us inspiration, joy and motivation to bare this
sometimes confusing and harsh world, it can keep us from taking ourselves too seriously and
getting into a rut about daily living. It is a real bonus to have great sexual intimacy in a relationship,
it can feed and heal the body and soul.
There are scientists and physicians that can back me up on this one, who have done extensive
research on the science and chemistry of love. Apparently dopamine is released in your brain,
when someone you're attracted to is around. The balance of feelings of euphoria, mood swings,
focused or obsessive thinking and craving are reputably driven by dopamine, norepinephrine and
serotonin levels. Lustful sensations being augmented by androgens and estrogens. Feeling of
connectedness, peace, a sense of security or attachment are associated with oxytocin and
vasopressin levels. Other interesting chemical processes are at work when someone is rejected
by a loved one and depression or obsessive behavior take over.
These studies are all very well and good, though how does one really become aware of how to
monitor and objectively analyze your feelings of love for another individual, without the aid of brain
scans, biofeedback and the like? The key to knowing if you have a healthy sexual attraction for
someone, is through experimentation and your willingness to experiment.
Mixed emotions, tension, a lack of trust or chattering mind can easily get in the way of great sex. It
is not something to feel inadequate about as there is probably good reason the presence of these
things, as a sign that they need to be attended to first, especially for a woman. This is where I feel
that generally the sexes differ. Men often believe that most relationship problems can be fixed by
thrashing it out during sex. Many women need to feel more connected or at ease with a man
before they can really open up sexually.
Tune into when sex feels good and when it starts making you feel uneasy or in discord. Honor
yourself and only connect when it really feels appropriate and for as long as it feels right. We do
need to be able to talk and connect with our partners. Making sure you respect each other, listen
to each other and do only what you feel comfortable with. Nobody wants to be a bore or a nag,
though a little communication can go a long way.
What happens after sexual union? Sex can be healing and spiritual, lifting your spirits and making
your life lighter and it easier to handle the imaginary load you bare in your mundane world. Should
it leave you feeling exhausted and becoming your partner's shrink, you may have to evaluate your
real connection to your partner. A warning bell should go off if your partner emotionally detaches
from you following sex or leaves you feeling high and dry.
Yes is not all about sex, which leads me to the next model.
The Business Model
Be aware in the 'business model' of partnership. Especially if you work and live together, but even

4. if you don't. A business model of relationship could be one where there is a lot of emphasis on
how income is divided up and dished out. Maybe you enjoy working together and this is really the
true nature of your relationship.
If you do indeed live, work and sleep together, make sure that the relationship is balanced with
play and individual activities outside the business and the relationship. Make sure that you have
realistic expectations of one another and communicate to that effect. There is also a real danger of
manifesting an extreme, a 'master' and 'slave' relationship, when one partner exerts his or her
power so much that it berates and belittles the other. This can be demeaning and diminishing of
the self confidence of the 'slave'. Even with all the positivity in the world, if you allow yourself to get
into this form of relationship and don't balance it with enough outside activity of your own, you may
loose a sense of reality and yourself.
It is best to also have a comfortable degree of financial independence. You never know when this
may come in handy. No matter how committed you are to each other life brings unexpected
challenges and changes. Circumstances alter during economical and family upheavals, the
coming of a child, new interests and other concerns. We also undergo physical, emotional and
spiritual changes during a lifetime that we may need to attend on our own. Be careful not to
become too dependent, either financially or emotionally on the other.
Ideal partnerships are where you both contribute things of equal value and contribution is honored
and truly respected by both parties. Even if you just live together, the financial coming together of
two people needs to be clarified, not as an obsession though, rather in respect to mutual interests.
Address any potential imbalances as soon as you identify them, concerning expectations of each
other, division of labor and responsibilities.
Marriage
Circumstances surrounding both the start of a relationship and the reasons for marriage should be
paid close attention to. We can be easily swept into a marriage of cultural (as opposed to
personal) ideals and expectations. Ideally we are very clear when entering into a marriage, what
both partners believe the benefits and motivations of this commitment are, what is agreeable to
strive for in a fair and symbiotic union. If you've already entered into a marriage without this in
place, it could be a good project to work on with your partner anyway.
The dream of marriage is to love, support and respect each other for the rest of your days. A good
friendship must be maintained, honesty and therefore trust, a sense of security, fun and intimacy.
It is a huge commitment and a lot to expect of oneself and ones partner. Healthy boundaries need
to be in place to facilitate time and space to just be yourself, without becoming totally absorbed in
the identity of the partnership or of the partner.
It is common for two people to enter into a marriage with the best intentions and then for one or
both of them to change. A sense of complacency can take over when a partner no longer feels the
need to woo or cultivate a loving relationship, a sense of entitlement may take over. A husband
may suddenly start demanding his dinner or expect his wife to anticipate his needs. He may
subconsciously have developed preconceived ideas of what a wife's duties are. This can be a
great shock for a woman who was more familiar with being his goddess before the marriage. She
may in turn also not feel the need or find the motivation to take care of herself, resulting in less self

5. esteem and overall decline in her attractiveness.
Cultural indoctrination may influence the wife to submit herself to her husband and the man to
believe he should be the breadwinner and top financial provider. This may not bode well if the wife
is very capable, has pride in her activities or if she is interested in pursuing her own career. She
may hold back or pass up opportunities to further herself and her career, just to make him feel
more in charge. He may also become controlling regarding her social and other activities, she
could find herself walking on eggshells to try to please him.
The tables might be turned and the wife could be elected as the breadwinner, perhaps due to her
earning potential. The hope of maintaining a healthy relationship is on her husband to happily rise
to the occasion and support and honor his wife in every thoughtful way he can, taking care of other
duties so that they can enjoy their time together. Often though the husband starts to feel
emasculated and become passive aggressive or just plain lazy.
These things can quietly creep in with stealth and one should probably do a routine check on the
overall power balance and happiness within a marriage. Some men regress into little boys
expecting a mother's unconditional love from their wives. Our maternal instincts could take over
and accommodate this whim, though one has to be careful when you find yourself making excuses
and justifying their behavior, you may be facilitating the darker side of your partner. This will lead
to stagnation in your relationship and a downward trend in overall happiness and fulfillment of both
partners.
The choice of a marriage partner is a bet on a life long relationship. Do your homework, make sure
you either know your partner very well or have a fair maturity and experience with relationships
before launching into one. Don't let external factors and pressures force you into this commitment.
Divorce is always an option, though it is not as simple as it sounds. Detaching oneself financially
and emotionally is a real challenge, especially when children have entered the scene. Divorce can
be likened to bereavement in terms of the stress, uncertainty and a feeling of loss. It is a character
building experience however, if it is done to restore a sense of self, freedom, happiness and bring
a higher level of fulfillment, then it is well worth it in the long run for all concerned, including the
kids.
As long as we learn from our past and avoid punishing ourselves for making mistakes, then we are
doing our best. If speaking your truth and being compassionately honest does not save your
relationship or ends a marriage, you are protected by the higher force within you, the universe will
provide guidance and synchronicity to show you the way.
The Spiritual Model
Sometimes one falls in love with a spiritual partner or you connect with another based on your
spiritual beliefs and values. If this is your for you, then I wish you a heavenly experience and
enlightenment. Maintain a sense reality however, as these relationships can be overly based on
fantasy. Restrictions within religions and spirituality need to be observed closely. Wanting what
you just can't have can be alluring for instance, this is evident when priesthoods aim to be
celibate, denying their natural sexual urges that digress into them being attracted to young boys or
other inappropriate initiates. Self centered and fake male "spiritual teachers" entice uneasy young
women into their beds to "instruct" them.

6. Some people fall into the idealization of spiritual guides due to unresolved parental issues, where
they are really just looking for a father or mother figure to essentially look after them. This may
also be a developmental phase in our maturity. Don't blindly follow anything you don't truly believe
in or it will backfire on you. Be your own guru first and really connect to your inner knowing of what
to follow and what not to follow. This is also a really rewarding relationship path if approached with
open eyes.
The Open Relationship
Some people do have open relationships and open marriages. These can only be based on
absolute truth, clear lines of communication between partners and true acceptance of equality.
Tune into your true feelings about such a relationship, the level of trust you have in yourself and
for your partner. Many people will tell you that this kind of a relationship is impossible, though if
done with total consciousness, it could be the most rewarding kind of relationship based on being
real with your own needs, desires and fulfillment of your potential, which you most likely would
want for your partner as well. It may well be the most biologically realistic kind of relationship.
It could make you feel as if you are not bound and therefore do not own each other. It will be
tested sooner or later though and you have to be prepared to surrender to really living out your
beliefs. Be very clear about what your expectations are of each other and I would advise writing it
down as a personal contract between the two of you, which can be revisited and updated with
mutual interest, honesty and collaboration. Perhaps fantasizing what the worst possible scenario
would be for you and imagine facing it. This is not an easy path, as society has very few examples
of what really works and you are essentially on your own figuring it out. If it makes you too uneasy,
it is probably not worth pursuing.
Your Mode
No matter what your choice of relationship is, make sure you are still yourself, growing as an
independent human being too. We can play different roles with our partners, sometimes we can
care for them as a parent, row or play like a sibling, though make sure there is balance and that
you can come together just as playful friends and lovers too.
You are the master of your own heart. Only you can know what lies within it and choose with
whom you wish to share it. Find someone you want to grow alongside.
Realize that what served you or your partner in the past may not serve you both now, you could
grow together or apart, there is no foretelling. There is an ebb and flow to your personal needs and
desires over a lifetime. Just as you go through a crush and first love before maturing into
adulthood, you may need to fulfill different types of relationships over the whole span of your life.
What is most important is to know and respect yourself. It may not be obvious at first and that's
where you have an opportunity to experiment, learn and do some soul searching. Be honest with
your intent and follow your heart.
Wishing you all the best on your journey of love!

7. Article Source:
http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Mel_Fran
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Now you can stop your break up, divorce or lovers rejection..... even if your situation seems
hopeless ! Check this out for further help and tips.
http://tiny.cc/nx9dv
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