jokes for Valentine's Day

1. A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had
bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' answered Tony, who was a bit of a
chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope
she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and
hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better
now.'

2. My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an
expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on
Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweler's shop in
Republic Street, Valletta-Malta.
The jeweler inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's
name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered,
'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very
romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly
romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I
can use it again.'

3. Be My Valentine
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-
aged, balding man standing at the counter
methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out
a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to
the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The
man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

4. The meaning of
dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I
just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace
for Valentine’s day. What do you think it
means?”
“You’ll know tonight.” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a
package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she
opened it--to find a book entitled, “The meaning
of dreams.”

5. Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a
valentine?"
David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish
boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he
might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe
start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did
and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And
then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore."
His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines shoot him."

6. Student of Psychology
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day
night and sees a beautiful young woman sitting alone
at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage
he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um,
would you mind if I brought you a drink?" She
responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I
won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub started staring at them. Naturally,
the guy was terribly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and
apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm really
sorry if I embarrassed you just then. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people respond to embarrassing situations."
At this the guy responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean? €300?"