Conflict can arise in personal and professional relationships from differing resources, roles, styles, perceptions, values and goals. While some conflicts may not be worth resolving, addressing issues can improve relationships and reduce emotional burdens. Seeing situations from multiple perspectives, including your own, the other person's, and an observer's view, provides understanding and allows creative solutions where all parties' needs are met. Adopting different perspectives enhances understanding and enables finding balanced ways forward.

1. Being in conflict with someone

2. Being in conflict with someone
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When you find yourself in conflict with another person, are you
ever unsure how to resolve it?
In the work place, conflict might exist at an individual level or
even between departments. On the home front, you might
experience conflict with your spouse or children or even realise
that it exists between each family member in relation to each
other. Within your social life you might have a very good circle
of friends, and yet be in conflict with one of them.

3. So, what is conflict?
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Quite often we perceive conflict as ‘something’ between two
people which simultaneously pulls them in opposite directions
and against each other.
However, such ‘thing’ does not exist. Instead, it is us, at an
individual level, who is conflicting with another person. This is
reflected in the original meaning of the word: to strike and
contest at the same time.

4. And what causes conflict?
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In their 2000-2002 study on workplace tension, psychologists
Art Bell and Brett Hart narrowed down the causes of conflict to
various factors, including conflicting resources, roles, styles,
perceptions, personal values and goals.
Although their study was confined to conflict in the workplace,
these elements may also cause conflict in our personal life.

5. Is it worth resolving conflict?
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There are instances where you may conclude (depending on
who the other person is, or what has happened) that the
conflict isn’t worth resolving.
However, if you take the perspective that, given the right
conditions, every relationship is a perfect system, then any
conflict within it is a deterioration of any one of those
conditions.
But there is more to it!

6. Is it worth resolving conflict?
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The ‘perfect system’ principle also applies to us as individuals.
This means that your conditions of being a perfect system
have been affected by being in conflict. However much you
pretend to yourself that such conflict is irrelevant to you, it has
in fact created and continuously feeds into an emotional
‘baggage’ that you will continue to carry.
Ultimately, this affects not only your focus, but most
importantly any aspect of your life.

7. Transform interpersonal conflict
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As with anything, there are many ways to resolve things,
including conflict.
One way is to look at which one (or ones) of the
above-mentioned causes has generated the conflict. Once the
actual cause has been determined and solutions identified, the
conflict starts to dissipate. However, I have at times noticed
that this may not completely ‘clear the air’ as we continue to
see things merely from our perspective.

8. Transform interpersonal conflict
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That is why the more perspectives we are able to adopt in
relation to a situation, the more choice and understanding we
have. And therefore the more likely we are to find a way to
proceed that benefits all parties.
How can this be achieved?

9. Three perspectives: 1st
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To begin with, simply look at the conflicting situation from your
own perspective. In this way, you are able to think in terms of
what this situation is like for you. You are also able to see and
feel the overall scenario of what is happening and how it is
affecting you, your work or your life.
In this position, you also discover what you really want and can
see and hear how the other person responds to you, to your
actions and words.

10. Three perspectives: 2nd
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The next step is for you to change location (like going to a
different part of the room) and imagine being the other person.
This is about imagining “putting yourself into the other
person’s shoes” and allow yourself to really feel as though you
were them.
What happens when you are able to feel as being the other
person?

11. Three perspectives: 2nd
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What happens is that you start seeing and experiencing the
same conflicting situation but as if you were the other party.
When you put yourself in the other person’s shoes and have
their perspective, you are able to see and experience the
situation differently. Being in this position gives you an
amazing insight about what the other person is experiencing in
that situation. It’s not about defining who is right or who is
wrong, but simply expanding our vision of what is happening.
Take your time to gain and assimilate any new understanding
while in this position.

12. Three perspectives: 3rd
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Finally, shift again to another location and imagine that you are
an observer who has no knowledge of the two people currently
in conflict and no knowledge of what the conflict is about.
In this position you are able to detach yourself from what is
happening and see what is going on between the other ‘two
people.’ You can see the bigger picture of what is happening
and gain further insights and new learning, but at a more
generic level. Here you can identify elements you can change in
order to make a difference in the original conflicting situation.

13. Understanding and choice
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Adopting different perspectives to a situation enables you to
find an easier and balanced way forward, finding a solution
where both you and the other person benefits.
Having different perspectives on the same challenge enhances
the interpretation you give to the other person’s behaviour and
deepens your understanding of what is important for you to
achieve, but does so in ways which also enable others to do
the same.

14. Being in conflict with someone:
is it worth it?
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