managing
difficult
conversations
9 questions to ask yourself
barbara greene
logos consulting group

first:
a disclaimer

what we’re
talking
about today
isn’t based
on this book

i’ve heard it’s good, but i
haven’t read it

okay, let’s go!

consider these 3 images

· · ·
· · ·
· · ·

what do they
have to do with
difficult
conversations?
what do they
have to do with
you?

back to the 3 images

let’s start in the
middle

· · ·
are you familiar
with this brain · · ·
teaser?
· · ·

so,now get out
your pencil
so, now, get out your
pencil

· · ·
· · ·
· · ·

· · ·
· · ·
· · ·

· · ·
· · ·
· · ·
go ahead—
copy this down

· · ·
· · ·
connect all 9 dots
using 4 straight lines
· · ·
and don’t lift your
pencil from the page

give up?
already know the answer?
this way for the answer

{ just one of the possibilities }

did you try to
connect all the dots in a
square configuration?

free yourself
open the box

that puzzle was
originally given
to engineers to
help them think
beyond
constraints

it’s where that
now annoying
phrase
*think outside
the box* comes
from

many of us let
difficult
conversations
put us into a
box

a box of
conflict
a box of ugly
confrontation

many people want to
avoid a conflict or
confrontation

conflict and confrontation
don’t have to be ugly

yes, difficult conversations can
involve bloody bits of gladiation
conflict and
confrontation
don’t have to
be ugly

or it can can be a form of
Or they be ritualized playfighting just like
in thefighting
play animal kingdom
just like in the
animal kingdom

difficult conversations
Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like
are both inevitable and
in the animal kingdom
temporary

Or it can be ritualized playfighting just like
in the animal kingdom
they can provide an
energizing creative force,
and no one has to feel
vanquished

conflict
happens
as a natural
part of life
drama may
ensue and it
may be harsh
difficult
conversations we can negotiate
through the
drama and move
on
we can learn
something

true dialogue requires negotiation
conflict and
confrontation
don’t have to
be ugly
not gladiation

so, go ahead. dive in. even if you are
dangerously close to the edge.

keep in mind:
opposing views
are nothing more than
dots of information
that need to be
connected

if you want to
connect the dots
creatively
ask yourself 9
critical questions

#1
what are my concerns?

have you written down your concerns?
how well can you articulate them?

#2
what can i do with the
opportunity in front of me?

“the quickest way to kindle a
fire is to rub two opposing
opinions together”
~ unknown

fire is just one possibility

handling explosive matters
is risky

you have to negotiate the delicate
divide between
danger and creativity

the important lesson:
beautiful results
can occur

#3
what am i willing to do to
make ‘it’ work?

ask yourself:
what would
success
look like?

does it mean you have to win
everything?
at all costs?

will winning everything
make matters worse
in the long run?

bridging the chasm between
opposing points of view is a
centuries-old endeavor

find a way to build a bridge
find a larger goal
you both share

meet the other person halfway

#4
what is my first step?

one suggestion:
accept that great minds think
differently

understand that people
process information
in different ways

remember this image?

that’s the universe of
information
trying to come into
the computer
that is your brain

some people need to
sort and categorize
information
before they can process it
and work toward
a solution

➡ solution

unfortunately

sometimes when
the information
has been sorted and
the solution has been
put into place,
it’s difficult
for the person to undo
the process

then there are
other people who have
a great big spam filter
in their brains

they focus on
a few key points
and the rest of the data
may not even get into
their analysis
of a situation

☛ solution

unfortunately

they can miss
some important details

the challenge is not to
dismiss either approach

doer thinker

meticulous sloppy

analyst visionary

tactical strategic

both approaches
are essential to
problem solving

#5
how can i communicate more
persuasively?

“in true dialogue, both sides are willing to
change.”
~ thich nhat hanh

clear, positive
language
accurate
perceptions
what it takes
appropriate
emotions
a forward-
looking focus

influence and persuasion
are the human gifts
that separate us from
the animals

Or it dive in, ritualized playfighting just like
can be
in the animal kingdom
dude!
connect the
dots!

influence comes in many forms
consider all the possibilities

visualthesaurus.com

something I learned
from living in japan:
influence requires
patience and courage

catch the
wave!
zen and the art of positive
persuasion

#6
do i have the courage to wait
before speaking?

be reflective
think before you speak

don’t be
so quick
to disagree
don’t be
so quick
Better
say “no”
listen first
Question

#7
do i have the courage to say
“yes, I hear you?”

for a true dialogue to occur,
people have to know they
have been heard. let them
know.
yes, i
hear
you

letting others know you
hear and understand their
positions doesn’t mean you
have to agree with them
i
understand

it shows you care
tell me
more. i’m
listening

caring enough to find out
about the other person’s
position helps to build a
bridge
hang on
while I get
the
engineers

#8
do i have the courage to
innovate rather than regulate?

sometimes there’s more
than one correct answer

leave the commands
behind
offer people

options recommendations
proposals a portfolio of ideas

the goal is to land safely.
it takes a team.

#9
do i have the courage to
match my actions to my
words?

“any momentary triumph
you think you have gained
through argument is really
a pyrrhic victory.
“the resentment and ill-will
you stir up is stronger and
lasts longer than any
demonstrate, momentary change of
opinion.
don’t explicate “it is much more powerful
to get people to agree
through your actions,
without saying a word.”
law 9, the 48 laws of
power
robert greene

conflict and
confrontation
don’t have to
stop.the.madness.
be ugly

asking the
critical questions
is just the
beginning
managing
conflict and
confrontation
is a process
next steps
strive for mastery
through
continuous
negotiation
experience
brings insight
and refinement

smooth seas do not
make skillful sailors
~ african proverb

before you go…

recommended reading

recommended reading

recommended reading

thank you
{let me know what you think}
barbara greene
communications consultant
executive coach
lecturer
bgreene@logosconsulting.net
© barbara greene 2010 212.268.4791

picture credits
“Dive” by
Dive” Gladiator Games “Tigers Play-
MertzFerdler/flickr © Colosseum fighting” by
fighting”
www.colosseum.net
www.colosseum.net Michael Nichols
© National
Geographic
Watch this “Traffic Light
(Long
space for
Exposure)”
Exposure)”
proper credit
by Roo
“Road to
Reynolds/Flickr Nowhere” by
Nowhere”
Maldivian
Dude/flickr
“Close-up of the Photo of art
Thinker”
Thinker” installation: “Walking
By Brian Men 99” by artist
99”
Hillegas Maya Barkai