Take time to reflect…
Examine your thoughts about
opening to loving another
person, and complete these
1. It is worth to love because:
2. It is NOT worth to love
3. List three meanings love has
4. Think of someone you love.
What is LOVE?
How do you know you are
When is the RIGHT time to
say I LOVE YOU?
When is the WRONG time
to say I LOVE YOU?
What Is Love?
Difficult to define
special attitude with behavioral
and emotional components
different things to different
difficult to measure
For how many is this true?
Our best and worst moments in
life are tied to a love
What Is Love?
Rubin's "love scale"
Attachment is a
for the physical
support of the
Caring is an
concern for the
Intimacy is the
desire for close,
with the other.
Types of Love
Passionate love (infatuation)
Typically occurs early in a relationship.
A state of extreme absorption with and desire for
It is characterized by intense feelings of tenderness,
elation, anxiety, sexual desire, and ecstasy.
Generalized physiological arousal, strong sexual
desire (“Butterflies in the stomach”)
People often overlook faults and avoid conflicts
Short-lived discover, often to their dismay, that the
only thing they ever really shared was passion.
The Kiss by Rodin
Types of Love
Less intense emotion than passionate
It is characterized by friendly affection
and a deep attachment that is based on
extensive familiarity with the loved one.
Often encompasses a tolerance for
another's shortcomings along with a
desire to overcome difficulties and
conflicts in a relationship.
companionate love: enduring
passionate love: usually transitory.
Sex: associated with familiarity,
security, sexual trust encourages
Often experienced as richer, more
meaningful, and deeply satisfying.
Sometimes a relationship may begin
with companionate love (ie, friends)
and then transition in to passionate
Types of Love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory
Is the motivational component that fuels romantic feelings,
physical attraction, and desire for sexual interaction.
Passion instills a deep desire to be united with the loved one.
In a sense passion is like an addiction, because its capacity to
provide intense stimulation and pleasure can exert a powerful
craving in a person.
Is the emotional component of love that encompasses the
sense of being bonded with another person.
It includes feelings of warmth, sharing, and emotional closeness.
(Vulnerability): Intimacy also embraces a willingness to help the
other and an openness to sharing private thoughts and feelings
with the beloved.
is the thinking or cognitive aspect of love.
It refers to the conscious decision to love another and to maintain
a relationship over time in spite of difficulties that may arise.
Sternberg maintains that passion tends to develop rapidly and
intensely in the early stages of a love relationship and then declines as
the relationship progresses.
In contrast, intimacy and commitment continue to build gradually over
time, although at different rates.
Sternberg's triangular theory
passion builds then fades
intimacy & commitment
continue to build
variations in components
yield different kinds of love
intimacy alone = friendship
passion alone = infatuation
commitment alone = empty love
Reis & Shaver Definition of Intimacy
understood: my partner sees
me as I see myself
validated: my partner values
what I am
cared for: my partner likes me
Difficult to measure.
Choose 3 – 4 people in your life you are
close to (these can be family, friends,
lovers, significant others, etc.)
Using Sternberg’s definition of:
Write a P, I and/or C to categorize each of
Does Sternberg’s theory apply Y/N?
Comments or observations
Lee’s Styles of Loving
Six different styles of loving:
1. Romantic love style (Eros):
Look for mates who are good looking -
emphasis on physical beauty
2. Game-playing love style (Ludus)
“Players” – acquiring sexual conquests Casual
sex- “Booty Call”
3. Possessive love style (mania):
Dangerous – marked by jealousy, turmoil,
obsessive love – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
4. Companionate love style (Storge)
Long term relationships – stable, commitment,
willingness to work on relationship – mutually
5. Altruistic love style (Agape)
Selfless, patient, without expectation of
6. Pragmatic love style (Pragma)
Rational, practical, business like, compatible
Falling in Love: The Chemistry of Love
Attraction Neurochemical Process
Neurochemicals similar to
Amphetamine-like effects: euphoria,
giddiness, and elation.
Infatuation chemistry - body develops
tolerance – short lived effect
Companionate love chemistry
Morphinelike chemicals (soothing
Produce a sense of security,
tranquility, and peace.
Falling in Love:Why and With Whom
Exercise: Write down the 5 most important characteristics
you want in your ideal mate.
One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale, Nasruddin and
his friend were sitting in a café, drinking tea, and talking
about life and love. “How come you never got married,
Nasruddin?” asked his friend at one point. “Well,” said
Nasruddin, “to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking
for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and
intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was
unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a
wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in
common. One woman after another would seem just right,
but there would always be something missing. Then, one
day I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous,
and kind. We had everything in common. In fact, she was
perfect.” “Well,” said Nasruddin’s friend, “what happened?
Why didn’t you marry her?” Nasruddin sipped his tea
reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad thing.
Seems she was looking for the perfect man.”
“Love isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the right
No simple explanation for why we fall in love with one
particular person instead of another. A number of factors are
often important: proximity, similarity, reciprocity, and physical
Mere exposure effect
Same level of physical attractiveness
Age, Educational Status and Religion
Race and Ethnicity
share similar interests & activities
confirm own views & experiences
supportive of values & beliefs
Validation – mirror image of ourselves
when someone shows they like us, we tend to like
increases likelihood of relationship enduring
"what's beautiful is good" belief
status by association
most important in early stages
may be an indication of physical health
heterosexual males place greater value
Falling in Love: Why and With Whom
Sociobiology- Behavior explained
by evolutionary needs (Buss)
Men attracted to young attractive
females to maximize reproductive
Women attracted to older, established
men to maximize their reproductive
THE MYTH OF ETERNAL LOVE
THE MYTH THAT LOVE IMPLIES
THE MYTH THAT WE FALL IN AND
OUT OF LOVE
THE MYTH OF THE
EXCLUSIVENESS OF LOVE
THE MYTH THAT TRUE LOVE IS
THE MYTH THAT LOVE AND
THE MYTH THAT LOVE
AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE
Many people believe that if they love
someone, this implies that they cannot
get angry at them.
When anger is withheld, it will always
surface in other dysfunctional ways:
jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, etc
However, Love NEVER involves
threats, put-downs, verbal, physical,
emotional and sexual violence!!!!!
Those kinds of behaviors are
dangerous and are behaviors found in
batterers and in domestic violence
Interface Children Family Services of Ventura
County. A comprehensive site offering links to
various agencies throughout the county - also info
on low cost counseling. (Telephone Number (805)
The Coalition to end Domestic and Sexual Violence
Ventura County - local counseling available
Telephone Number: 805-983-6014; 24 Hour Hotline:
Authentic vs. Inauthentic Love
(I Never Knew I Had a Choice, Corey & Corey – 2006)
Enhancing, empowering, affirming
Crippling, stifling, paranoid, controlling
Rigid unrealistic expectations
Conditionally loving – “strings attached”
Threatened by other relationships/interests
Utterly dependant – to fill void (I NEED YOU!!)
Guarded with feelings, thoughts – won’t allow
Controlling, manipulative and punitive: wants
to change the person
Unconditional acceptance and love
Caring - not smothering, or possessive.
Respectful, responsive and encouraging:
I can see you as a separate person
I can encourage you to stand alone and to be
who you are
I avoid treating you as an object
I will be there for you when you need me, and
give you your space as well.
Delight in each other’s growth
Letting go of fear :
Risk taking – vulnerable
We are committed by choice
I choose to be with you
I want to be with you
If you leave I will still be able to survive
You trust the person will not deliberately hurt you or
Accepting imperfections: no need to change
Willingness to work things out
Encourages and supports other relationships
I take care of “me” first
I am complete and worthwhile on my own
Each is able to talk openly with the other about
Playful and fun
The two persons are equal in the relationship
Each person recognizes the need for solitude
and creates the time in which to be alone
They are able to cope with anger in the
What is the difference between
LONELINESS and SOLITUDE?
Loneliness: (Def.) A state of painful isolation,
of feeling cut off from others.
Results from certain events in our life: the
death of a spouse, divorce, empty-nest
Loneliness is generally something that
happens to us, rather than something we
choose to experience; we can choose the
attitude we take toward it!
If we allow ourselves to experience our
loneliness, even if it is painful, we may be
surprised to find within ourselves the
sources of strength and creativity.
Loneliness may peak in adolescence:
begin to differentiate from the family of origin.
What Causes Loneliness?
Causes of Loneliness:
(lonely people share these
Lack of social skills
Lack of interest in other people.
Lack of empathy.
Fear of rejection.
Lack of ability to appropriately self-
Cynicism and sarcasm.
External Locus of Control. (Victim
Solitude is something that we
often choose for ourselves.
In solitude, we make the time to
be with ourselves, to discover
who we are, and to renew
Solitude can become an antidote
Many of us fail to experience
solitude because we allow our life
to become more and more frantic
We may fear that we will alienate
others if we ask for private time,
so we alienate ourselves instead!!
Aloneness can become the
source of your strength and the
foundation for the relatedness to
Choosing time to be alone gives us
the opportunity to think, plan,
imagine, and dream; it allows us to
listen to ourselves and to become
sensitive to what we are
In solitude we can come to
appreciate anew both our
separateness from and our
relatedness to the important
people and projects in our lives.
When was the last time you did
something alone (by choice) and
truly enjoyed it?
Why haven’t you? What are you
The Green Eyed Monster
It is not love that is
blind, but jealousy.
The jealous are
others, but a
~William Penn, Some
Fruits of Solitude,
Love looks through a
envy, through a
Many people think that jealousy is a
measure of devotion, and that the
absence of jealous feelings implies a
lack of love.
Sexual jealousy is aroused when we
suspect that an intimate relationship
is threatened by a rival.
It is associated with: fear of losing
the loved one; anger toward the rival,
the loved one, feelings of
In extreme cases: can cause severe
depression, spousal abuse, suicide,
Caused by: mistrust, low self-esteem,
lack of self-confidence, overly dependent
relationships, feelings of inadequacy,
paranoia, “sex games”
How deal with a Jealous partner:
Do not submit to the third degree.
Do not accept the status quo out of guilt
Seek help (therapy)
Leave the relationship – not healthy!!
Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
Ingredients in lasting
appreciation of each
and shared interests
ability to face & deal
Characteristics of high
Seeing partner as