Per Dev

1. Love, Attraction, Attachment
and Intimate Relationships
Lucy Capuano Brewer, Psychology
Psy 25 – Chapter 7

2. Take time to reflect…
Examine your thoughts about
opening to loving another
person, and complete these
sentences:
1. It is worth to love because:
2. It is NOT worth to love
because:
3. List three meanings love has
for you:
4. Think of someone you love.

3. What is LOVE?
How do you know you are
IN LOVE?
When is the RIGHT time to
say I LOVE YOU?
When is the WRONG time
to say I LOVE YOU?

4. What Is Love?
Difficult to define
special attitude with behavioral
and emotional components
different things to different
people
difficult to measure
For how many is this true?
Our best and worst moments in
life are tied to a love
relationship.

5. What Is Love?
Rubin's "love scale"
3 components
Attachment is a
person's desire
for the physical
presence and
emotional
support of the
other person.
Caring is an
individual's
concern for the
other's well-
being.
Intimacy is the
desire for close,
confidential
communication
with the other.

6. Types of Love
Passionate love (infatuation)
Typically occurs early in a relationship.
A state of extreme absorption with and desire for
another.
It is characterized by intense feelings of tenderness,
elation, anxiety, sexual desire, and ecstasy.
Generalized physiological arousal, strong sexual
desire (“Butterflies in the stomach”)
People often overlook faults and avoid conflicts
Short-lived  discover, often to their dismay, that the
only thing they ever really shared was passion.
The Kiss by Rodin

7. Types of Love
Companionate love
Less intense emotion than passionate
love.
It is characterized by friendly affection
and a deep attachment that is based on
extensive familiarity with the loved one.
Often encompasses a tolerance for
another's shortcomings along with a
desire to overcome difficulties and
conflicts in a relationship.
In short,
companionate love: enduring
passionate love: usually transitory.
Sex: associated with familiarity,
security, sexual trust  encourages
experimentation.
Often experienced as richer, more
meaningful, and deeply satisfying.
Sometimes a relationship may begin
with companionate love (ie, friends)
and then transition in to passionate
love.

8. Types of Love
Sternberg’s Triangular Theory
Passion:
Is the motivational component that fuels romantic feelings,
physical attraction, and desire for sexual interaction.
Passion instills a deep desire to be united with the loved one.
In a sense passion is like an addiction, because its capacity to
provide intense stimulation and pleasure can exert a powerful
craving in a person.
Intimacy:
Is the emotional component of love that encompasses the
sense of being bonded with another person.
It includes feelings of warmth, sharing, and emotional closeness.
(Vulnerability): Intimacy also embraces a willingness to help the
other and an openness to sharing private thoughts and feelings
with the beloved.
Commitment:
is the thinking or cognitive aspect of love.
It refers to the conscious decision to love another and to maintain
a relationship over time in spite of difficulties that may arise.
Sternberg maintains that passion tends to develop rapidly and
intensely in the early stages of a love relationship and then declines as
the relationship progresses.
In contrast, intimacy and commitment continue to build gradually over
time, although at different rates.

9. Sternberg's triangular theory
passion builds then fades
intimacy & commitment
continue to build
variations in components
yield different kinds of love
intimacy alone = friendship
passion alone = infatuation
commitment alone = empty love

10. Intimacy
Reis & Shaver Definition of Intimacy
understood: my partner sees
me as I see myself
validated: my partner values
what I am
cared for: my partner likes me
Difficult to measure.

11. Exercise
Choose 3 – 4 people in your life you are
close to (these can be family, friends,
lovers, significant others, etc.)
Using Sternberg’s definition of:
Passion
Intimacy
Commitment
Write a P, I and/or C to categorize each of
the relationships.
Does Sternberg’s theory apply Y/N?
Comments or observations

12. Lee’s Styles of Loving
Six different styles of loving:
1. Romantic love style (Eros):
Look for mates who are good looking -
emphasis on physical beauty
2. Game-playing love style (Ludus)
“Players” – acquiring sexual conquests Casual
sex- “Booty Call”
3. Possessive love style (mania):
Dangerous – marked by jealousy, turmoil,
obsessive love – DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
4. Companionate love style (Storge)
Long term relationships – stable, commitment,
willingness to work on relationship – mutually
satisfying.
5. Altruistic love style (Agape)
Selfless, patient, without expectation of
reciprocity
6. Pragmatic love style (Pragma)
Rational, practical, business like, compatible
interests

13. Falling in Love: The Chemistry of Love
Attraction  Neurochemical Process
Neurochemicals similar to
amphetamines
Amphetamine-like effects: euphoria,
giddiness, and elation.
Infatuation chemistry - body develops
tolerance – short lived effect
Companionate love chemistry 
Morphinelike chemicals (soothing
feeling)
Produce a sense of security,
tranquility, and peace.

14. Falling in Love:Why and With Whom
 Exercise: Write down the 5 most important characteristics
 you want in your ideal mate.
 One afternoon, according to an old Sufi tale, Nasruddin and
his friend were sitting in a café, drinking tea, and talking
about life and love. “How come you never got married,
Nasruddin?” asked his friend at one point. “Well,” said
Nasruddin, “to tell you the truth, I spent my youth looking
for the perfect woman. In Cairo, I met a beautiful and
intelligent woman, with eyes like dark olives, but she was
unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a
wonderful and generous soul, but we had no interests in
common. One woman after another would seem just right,
but there would always be something missing. Then, one
day I met her. She was beautiful, intelligent, generous,
and kind. We had everything in common. In fact, she was
perfect.” “Well,” said Nasruddin’s friend, “what happened?
Why didn’t you marry her?” Nasruddin sipped his tea
reflectively. “Well,” he replied, “it’s a sad thing.
 Seems she was looking for the perfect man.”
 “Love isn’t finding the right person, it’s being the right
person.”
 No simple explanation for why we fall in love with one
particular person instead of another. A number of factors are
often important: proximity, similarity, reciprocity, and physical
attractiveness.
 Proximity
 Mere exposure effect

15. Similarity
 Same level of physical attractiveness
 Age, Educational Status and Religion
 Race and Ethnicity
 Why?
 share similar interests & activities
 communicate better
 confirm own views & experiences
 supportive of values & beliefs
 Validation – mirror image of ourselves
 Reciprocity
 when someone shows they like us, we tend to like
them back
 increases self-esteem
 increases likelihood of relationship enduring
 Physical attractiveness
 "what's beautiful is good" belief
 status by association
 most important in early stages
 may be an indication of physical health
 heterosexual males place greater value

16. Falling in Love: Why and With Whom
Sociobiology- Behavior explained
by evolutionary needs (Buss)
Men attracted to young attractive
females to maximize reproductive
success
Women attracted to older, established
men to maximize their reproductive
success

17. LOVE “MYTHS”
THE MYTH OF ETERNAL LOVE
THE MYTH THAT LOVE IMPLIES
CONSTANT CLOSENESS
THE MYTH THAT WE FALL IN AND
OUT OF LOVE
THE MYTH OF THE
EXCLUSIVENESS OF LOVE
THE MYTH THAT TRUE LOVE IS
SELFLESS
THE MYTH THAT LOVE AND
ANGER INCOMPATIBLE

18. THE MYTH THAT LOVE
AND ANGER INCOMPATIBLE
Many people believe that if they love
someone, this implies that they cannot
get angry at them.
When anger is withheld, it will always
surface in other dysfunctional ways:
jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, etc
However, Love NEVER involves
threats, put-downs, verbal, physical,
emotional and sexual violence!!!!!
Those kinds of behaviors are
dangerous and are behaviors found in
batterers and in domestic violence
cases.

19. Interface Children Family Services of Ventura
County. A comprehensive site offering links to
various agencies throughout the county - also info
on low cost counseling. (Telephone Number (805)
485-6114 )
The Coalition to end Domestic and Sexual Violence
Ventura County - local counseling available
Telephone Number: 805-983-6014; 24 Hour Hotline:
805-656-1111
http://www.thecoalition.org/
http://www.icfs.org/

20. Authentic vs. Inauthentic Love
(I Never Knew I Had a Choice, Corey & Corey – 2006)
 Authentic Love:
 Enhancing, empowering, affirming
 Inauthentic Love:
 Crippling, stifling, paranoid, controlling
INAUTHENTIC LOVE
 Rigid unrealistic expectations
 Conditionally loving – “strings attached”
 Dishonest
 Threatened by other relationships/interests
 Possessive
 Utterly dependant – to fill void (I NEED YOU!!)
 Lacks commitment.
 Guarded with feelings, thoughts – won’t allow
vulnerability
 Controlling, manipulative and punitive: wants
to change the person

21. AUTHENTIC LOVE
 Unconditional acceptance and love
 Caring - not smothering, or possessive.
 Respectful, responsive and encouraging:
I can see you as a separate person
I can encourage you to stand alone and to be
who you are
I avoid treating you as an object
I will be there for you when you need me, and
give you your space as well.
 Delight in each other’s growth
 Letting go of fear :
Risk taking – vulnerable
 We are committed by choice
 I choose to be with you
 I want to be with you
 If you leave I will still be able to survive

22.  Mutual trust
 You trust the person will not deliberately hurt you or
manipulate you
 Accepting imperfections: no need to change
 Willingness to work things out
 Encourages and supports other relationships
 Selfish
 I take care of “me” first
 I am complete and worthwhile on my own
 Each is able to talk openly with the other about
the relationship
 Playful and fun
 The two persons are equal in the relationship
 Each person recognizes the need for solitude
and creates the time in which to be alone
 They are able to cope with anger in the
relationship

23. What is the difference between
LONELINESS and SOLITUDE?
 Loneliness: (Def.) A state of painful isolation,
of feeling cut off from others.
 Results from certain events in our life: the
death of a spouse, divorce, empty-nest
syndrome, etc.
 Loneliness is generally something that
happens to us, rather than something we
choose to experience; we can choose the
attitude we take toward it!
 If we allow ourselves to experience our
loneliness, even if it is painful, we may be
surprised to find within ourselves the
sources of strength and creativity.
 Loneliness may peak in adolescence:
 begin to differentiate from the family of origin.

24. What Causes Loneliness?
Causes of Loneliness:
(lonely people share these
common characteristics)
Lack of social skills
Lack of interest in other people.
Lack of empathy.
Fear of rejection.
Lack of ability to appropriately self-
disclose.
Cynicism and sarcasm.
Too demanding.
Pessimistic attitude.
External Locus of Control. (Victim
Role)

25. Solitude
 Solitude is something that we
often choose for ourselves.
 In solitude, we make the time to
be with ourselves, to discover
who we are, and to renew
ourselves.
 Solitude can become an antidote
to loneliness.
 Many of us fail to experience
solitude because we allow our life
to become more and more frantic
and complicated.
 We may fear that we will alienate
others if we ask for private time,
so we alienate ourselves instead!!
 Aloneness can become the
source of your strength and the
foundation for the relatedness to
others.

26. Choosing time to be alone gives us
the opportunity to think, plan,
imagine, and dream; it allows us to
listen to ourselves and to become
sensitive to what we are
experiencing.
In solitude we can come to
appreciate anew both our
separateness from and our
relatedness to the important
people and projects in our lives.
When was the last time you did
something alone (by choice) and
truly enjoyed it?
Why haven’t you? What are you
afraid of?

27. The Green Eyed Monster
It is not love that is
blind, but jealousy.
~Lawrence Durrell,
Justine, 1957
The jealous are
troublesome to
others, but a
torment to
themselves.
~William Penn, Some
Fruits of Solitude,
1693
Love looks through a
telescope;
envy, through a
microscope.
~Josh Billings
 Many people think that jealousy is a
measure of devotion, and that the
absence of jealous feelings implies a
lack of love.
 Sexual jealousy is aroused when we
suspect that an intimate relationship
is threatened by a rival.
 It is associated with: fear of losing
the loved one; anger toward the rival,
the loved one, feelings of
possessiveness.
 In extreme cases: can cause severe
depression, spousal abuse, suicide,
homicide.
 Caused by: mistrust, low self-esteem,
lack of self-confidence, overly dependent
relationships, feelings of inadequacy,
paranoia, “sex games”
 How deal with a Jealous partner:
 No games!!!
 Do not submit to the third degree.
 Do not accept the status quo out of guilt
 Seek help (therapy)
 Leave the relationship – not healthy!!

28. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
 Ingredients in lasting
love relationship
 self-acceptance
 appreciation of each
other's qualities
 commitment
 good communication,
realistic expectations
and shared interests
 ability to face & deal
with conflict
 Characteristics of high
quality relationships
 Supportive
communication
 Companionship
 Sexual expression
and variety
 Seeing partner as
best friend
 Maintaining frequent
positive interaction

29. Satisfying Sexual Relationships
Respect for choices (including
declining “sex”)
Sexual Variety
communication is critical
be spontaneous
plan for intimate time
don't worry about frequency
"standards"