Alex Katehakis - Center for Healthy Sex - Sexual Gridlock

It’s not the orgasm, it’s the connection!

Alexandra Katehakis, MFT, CSAT-S, CST

February 4, 2011

Common sexual complaints

•  Low desire •  They cause:
•  no desire •  Marital dissatisfaction,
emotional alienation,
•  mismatched limited intimacy
desire •  Extramarital affairs,
divorce, & family
instability

www.TheCenterForHealthySex.com

Sexual/Relationship Satisfaction is a
systemic issue!
•  Decision making
•  Handling arguments
•  Friends and social life
•  Parenting
•  Dealing with family and in-laws
•  Emotional support
•  Areas of agreement & disagreement


How’s your sex life?
Sample size 14,387 people

•  15% sex is dead
•  34% sex is comatose & in danger of dying
•  28% sex is asleep & needs a wakeup call
•  15% sex is alive & well
•  8% sex is robust, erotic & passionate
•  77% of people say their sex life stinks
making them NORMAL
www.Crucible4points.com


How’s often do you kiss?
Sample size 14,387 people

•  35% kiss multiple times in every encounter
•  16% once in ¾ of encounters
•  15% once in ½ of encounters
•  24% rarely kiss during sex
•  10% never have sex
•  55% rarely kiss during their sexual
encounters
www.Crucible4points.com


Sexual arousal threshold is
composed of:

•  What you are thinking about during sex?
(intrapsychic)
•  What’s happening between you and your
partner? (interpersonal)
•  What you are feeling in your body?
(sensate focus)
•  Are you making eye contact?
•  If so, what are you seeing?

Cornerstone #1 – Self-Knowledge

•  Acceptance of yourself without
judgment.
•  Know yourself: what you like and
dislike sexually, when you become
scared, when you take risks, where
your growth edges are.
•  You know who you are and take a
stand for what’s true for you in
order to create change, even when
it’s uncomfortable.


Cornerstone #2 – Comfort & Connection
•  Building connections to yourself and others, you
can develop the capacity to comfort your anxieties
and connect to your partner without reacting to his
or her feelings.
•  Allows for a deeper relationship with family and
friends
•  Requires diligence and discipline
•  Connection creates novelty in the brain
•  If the connection is sustained, a stable relationship
can form

Cornerstone #3 – Responsibility with
Discernment
•  Responsibility within intimacy is about
accountability
•  Be accountable for your own feelings
•  Be assertive, speak up for yourself, take
responsibility for your actions, and tell the truth
•  Tell the truth even though it may be difficult to
say and for the other to hear
•  Being truthful about preferences does NOT
mean being mean and hurtful


Cornerstone #4 – Empathy with Emotion

•  Empathy is your ability to recognize, feel, or
experience another person’s thoughts and moods
•  Being empathic in relationships helps you to be
comfortable with another
•  Can you empathize with how your partner feels?
•  Can you understand and validate how those
feelings affect them?
•  Can you do this without making their feelings about
you? (shame)


Definition of sexuality according to the
World Association of Sexual Health
•  Sexuality is a central aspect of being human throughout life. It
encompasses sex, gender identities and roles, sexual
orientation, eroticism, pleasure, intimacy, and reproduction.
•  Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts,
fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviors,
practices, roles, and relationships.
•  Sexuality can include all of these dimensions, not all of them
are always experienced or expressed.
•  Sexuality is influenced by the interaction of biological,
psychological, social, economic, political, cultural, ethical,
legal, historical,religious, and spiritual factors.

Definition of sexual health according to
the WASH
•  Sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental,
and social well-being related to sexuality; it is not
merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or
infirmity.
•  Sexual health requires a positive and respectful
approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well
as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe
sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination
and violence.
•  For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the
sexual rights of all persons must be respected,
protected and fulfilled

Some components of
sexual health are…
•  Ability to talk about sexuality
•  Identify cultural concerns
•  Address sexual identity issues
•  Sexual anatomy functioning
•  Sexual health care
•  Awareness of behaviors
•  Self acceptance
•  Masturbation and fantasy
•  Positive sexuality

What comprises optimal Sexuality?
Kleinplatz, et al. 2009 (64 informants)

•  Being present, focused and embodied
•  Connection, alignment, merger, being in synch
•  Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
•  Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
•  Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
•  Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
•  Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
•  Vulnerability and surrender


How do we get to optimal
sexuality?

•  Healthy Sex +
•  Intimate Sex +
•  Erotic Sex +
•  Spiritual Sex =
•  Erotic
Intelligence!

Healthy Sex…

Being present, focused and embodied means:
Focus on the here and now
Slow down


Healthy Sex…
•  Adds to your well being
•  Is free from behaviors that create
destruction to your psyche, feelings
and physical body
•  Healthy sex can have a tone of
innocence and simplicity that feels
beneficial, healthful and sound
•  May restore your character as a
result of the sexual act because it
feels good in the moment and leaves
you feeling good afterwards
•  Healthy sex is free from shame and
pain and does not create disorder or
drama


Deconstructing your sexuality…

•  What were the
messages you received
from your family about
sex and sexuality?
•  What kind of messages
did you get about sex
from your community?
•  What do you consider to
be “normal” sexuality?


Deconstructing your sexuality…

•  Where do you limit
yourself sexually?
•  What scares you?
•  How does the culture at
large inform you about
sex and sexuality?
•  What impact does this
have on your sexuality?


Intimate Sex…

Strong connection to one’s partner
Good, clear boundaries
Self-knowledge
Self-acceptance
Sense of humor and laughter


Intimate Sex
•  Know who you are and use good
communication. This creates an
interdependent, cohesive relationship as
opposed to an unhealthy dependent,
enmeshed relationship.
•  Have honest, crucial conversations. This
requires discipline, entering a
nonjudgmental state, and talking
consciously while managing your
anxiety.
•  Each person makes an active choice to
be the kind of partner they want to be
•  A realistic view of intimate sex is that your
sexual desire and that of your partner
consistently changes, requiring
adaptation throughout the lifespan


Play!
•  Play with each other
in loving, adoring,
respectful, raunchy
ways
•  Raunchy meaning
earthy, sexual, and
explicit.


Conscious query of your sexual self

•  How do you define sexual desire?
•  How does it feel?
•  How does it look?
•  How do you express sexual desire?
•  Do you experience more sexual desire by yourself
or with any partner?
•  Do you experience more sexual desire by yourself
or with your monogamous partner?


Erotic Sex…

Deep, penetrating sense of trust
Mutual respect, deep caring, genuine acceptance
Desire, chemistry, attraction
Love


Your positive sexuality…

•  How do you feel about your
body?
•  What are your thoughts
about yourself if you aren’t
turned on in a moment’s
notice?
•  What are your thoughts
about yourself/your partner
if you/they don’t orgasm?

Your positive sexuality, cont…

•  What are the real reasons
you are “shy” to talk about
what you like sexually?
•  What stops you from
making preparations for
sex and/or planning?
•  What arouses sexual
desire in you?


Sexual Fantasy
•  In adult sexuality, you pay attention to
your current fantasies and discuss
them with your partner and listen to
his or hers without reaction or
judgment.
•  In a healthy relationship, sexual
fantasies keep desire alive.
•  Both partner-replacement fantasies
and mental wanderings are an escape
from emotional connection with your
partner.
•  Fantasies that include your partner
and that you invent together increase
your erotic styles.


Masturbation…

•  What’s the purpose of masturbation?
•  What do you think about when you
masturbate?
•  Do you tell your partner that you masturbate
and what your sexual fantasies are?
•  Do your fantasies include your partner?

www.TheCenterForHealthySex.com www.thecenterforhealthysex.
com

Sexual Fantasy
•  “Sexual fantasies may call
forth new life in the guise of
new sexual experiences,
and so the motive for
repressing these fantasies
may not be as much moral
sensitivity as fear of life’s
irrepressible abundance.”
•  Thomas Moore


Your positive sexuality, cont…

•  How do you arouse
sexual desire in
yourself?
•  How do you arouse
sexual desire in your
partner?
•  What do you need to
work on?


Essence of Eroticism
•  Sex is about inviting a kind of nervous
excitement where there’s no rush to cover it
up or push it away. You accept that part of
your adult sexuality, and you recognize it as
the engine that arouses you and your
partner.

•  Speak your love, your carnal desire, what
you are seeing, would like to see or do with
your partner, whether it be lovely, lustful, or
lascivious. This kind of connection flames
your partner’s physical arousal.


Spiritual Sex…
Emotional nakedness: vulnerability and surrender
Loss of constricting beliefs
Sense of bliss, peace, and healing
Sense of “high” akin to meditation


Spiritualizing Sex
•  Spiritual sex combines how you express
your love with your intentions or the
blessings you bring to your partnering.

•  Spiritualizing sex is willingness…we
create a spiritual bond through a
commitment to completely know
ourselves with our partner.

•  To be true to the nature of your gender,
the feminine opens to energy and invites
the masculine in. The masculine directs
the energy to empower the feminine to
feel it, be warmed by it, to glow in it.


Spiritualizing Sex - Breathing

•  During sex, stop, relax and notice the sexual
excitement in your bodies. Breathe together and feel
the warmth as it radiates throughout. Notice what
you feel in this engagement.

•  Breathing is not a one-breath event, but a conscious,
circular experience. You relax and focus on the
breathing, you’ll flow in and out; sensations heighten,
and tensions release. You are fully present with your
partner.

Spiritualizing Sex - Ritual

•  Rituals prepare each of you to meet the sacred in
each other. Breathing, prayer or meditation sets the
stage for inviting your highest selves to a sexual
feast.
•  Rituals start as simple acts of preparation or
kindness. Repeated rituals are a means to train your
body and your mind to focus fully on the event and
engage the person with heart and respect. Rituals
create the time, space and energy to connect with
each other.

Spiritualizing Sex
•  Spiritual sex is about the
attitude of respect and actions
of kindness. It can also be fun
and reverential, giving you the
freedom to try things your way,
not in the prescribed ways we
learned or how our culture
determines it.

•  Spiritual sex suggests that you
move beyond orgasm into the
connection with yourself, your
partne,r and the divine,
recognizing them all as one.

It’s not the Orgasm, It’s the
Connection!

•  Sexual desire and
sexual health
change over the
lifespan.

•  Connection can
mean more than
orgasm!


Available Now! HCI Publications

•  Igniting Hot
Healthy Sex
While in
Recovery From
Sex Addiction


Alex Katehakis - Center for Healthy Sex - Sexual Gridlock

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