Co operative parenting plays an important role in bringing up children. This presentation provides 5 strategies for co-parenting kids when in a marriage or after divorce.

1. a workshop offered bya workshop offered by
Co-Parenting Specialist Chris Lewis EdS,Co-Parenting Specialist Chris Lewis EdS,
LPCLPC
Maria Droste Counseling CenterMaria Droste Counseling Center
www.mariadroste.org

2. www.mariadroste.org

3.  MA in Counseling from The College of New Jersey
 EdS in Marriage and Family Therapy from TCNJ
 Over ten years experience helping parents, couples and
families resolve conflict and improve communication
 I’ve been there myself
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4.  Pretend you are a hostage negotiator
 Stay in adult mode no matter what
 Let the children be children
 Keep the end goal in sight and don’t sweat the small stuff
 Always “act as if” the other parent has the children’s best
interest at heart
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5. Establish the tone of the
communication
 Use a calm voice and speak in a respectful manner no
matter what is coming back at you.
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6. Be supportive and encouraging
about the outcome
 “I’m sure we can find a solution that will work for all
of us.”
 “I know you want to get this resolved too; we both
agree on that so I’m confident we can come to a
solution.”
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7. Reinforce any positive movement toward
resolution on their part
“That’s great that you are willing to do that! It really makes a
difference. Thank you!”
(Reality check: Are you brimming with gratitude? Maybe not,
but remind yourself what this is all about: Reducing conflict
and minimizing harm to the children.)
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8. Compromise whenever and wherever you
can
 This will not only reduce conflict, but increase the odds
they will compromise down the line.
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9.  Listen actively, this helps to diffuse anger,
reduce conflict
 Summarize what they’ve said to ensure you
understand
 Affirm your understanding
 Don’t interrupt
 Be aware of posture, non-verbal cues
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10. Children need at least one parent who
is in control in order to feel safe --
BE THAT PARENT
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11. Keep your interactions business-like
 Speak in a polite and professional manner.
 Have weekly phone/in person meetings for
planning, concerns, etc. Hold these meetings away
from the children.
 Keep old marital issues OUT -- the marriage is
over. You are now a co-parenting partnership only.
Any other topics are off limits.
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12. Don’t reciprocate bad behavior with
bad behavior
 If the other parent is yelling, cursing, being verbally
abusive, tell them you will be happy to continue
when they have calmed down, then walk away or
hang up.
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13. A little visual imagery to help motivate you to stay in
adult mode:
Imagine your children watching both their parents
act like angry, tantruming toddlers. What would
they be thinking and feeling?
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14. You do need support people in your
life, but your children are NOT those
people
 Get support from friends, clergy, counselors,
siblings.
 Your job is to support your children. You can’t do
that if you are leaning on them for your own
support.
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15. Don’ts and Don’ts:
 Don’t use your children as spies
 Don’t use your children as messengers
 Don’t ever bad-mouth the other parent to or in front
of your children
 Don’t fight in front of the children
 Don’t talk about failed marital issues with kids
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16. Chris’s goal of parenting:
 To bring your children safely to adulthood with the
emotional, social, psychological tools they need to live
successfully.
 Make your own goal for parenting your children and use it
as your guiding principle.
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17. Children survive different parenting styles a lot better than
they survive ongoing conflict. What’s the small stuff?
 Is bedtime really worth fighting over?
 Is diet?, clothing?, TV time?
 Is exact “equal time” more about us or about what’s best
for the kids?
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18. Why do I have to do that? For the most
important reason of all:
 Because your children need to believe you BOTH
have their best interest at heart.
 Unless there is real abuse happening, they
probably do love their kids to the best of their
ability.
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19. Another benefit:
 If you “act as if” toward the other parent, this is
likely to reduce conflict on its own because he/she
will respond to your more positive regard. Try it!
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20.  Pretend to be a hostage negotiator
 Stay in adult mode at all times
 Let your children be children
 Keep the end goal of parenting in sight and don’t
sweat the small stuff
 “Act as if” the other parent has your children’s best
interest at heart
How to...
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21.  www.Co-Parenting101.com
 www.ChrisLewisPsychotherapy.com
 The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting
Go Of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce, by
Elizabeth Thayer, PhD
 www.Find-a-Therapist.com
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22. For more information about co-parenting
counseling, family therapy, or marriage
counseling in Denver, Colorado,
contact Maria Droste Counseling Center at
303-756-9052 or visit
www.MariaDroste.org.