Facets of Assertiveness

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Facets of Assertiveness
Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ASSERTIVENESS

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ARE YOU READY?
OK, LET’S START!

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
INTRODUCTION
Assertiveness is often difficult to describe because it is more
than just a skill or way of behaving. It is a way of looking at
the world. It is a way of thinking about how relationships
should be. It has its own rights to guide people through any
interpersonal situation. It is reflected in the ways we speak
and the ways we act. It can be seen in the way we actually
deal with situations which we want to influence. All of these
make up the Facets of Assertiveness.

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
ASSERTIVE PUZZLE PIECES
The human character is a collection of assorted puzzle
pieces of rights, choices, habits, styles, perceptions,
techniques and ways of thinking. When we put the puzzle
pieces together correctly, we can choose to put together a
predominantly assertive character for ourselves.
There are seven main pieces in this jigsaw...
1. seek win-win outcomes to all of life's problems
2. be aware of your assertive rights
3. make appropriate choices about how to behave
4. practise using assertive body language and an assertive
tone of voice
5. when you fall out with others, use assertive sequences to
let others know how you feel
6. have access to a range of assertive problem-solving styles
7. re-claim your natural, free and open assertive self.

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MTL Course Topics
NON-ASSERTIVE PROVERBS
Many of the views we have on life are dictated by what
others have told us. Advice and recommended ways of living
come in phrases such as the following that teach us to be
non-assertive or competitive...
1. Don't rock the boat
2. Anything for a quiet life
3. It's a jungle out there
4. Don't let the b......s get you down
5. Get them before they get you
6. Don't get mad, get even
7. It's a dog-eat-dog world
8. Might is right
9. Your elders know best
10. Children (and employees) should be seen and not heard
11. There's one born every minute
12. If you stick your neck out, it's bound to be cut off.

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WINNING AND LOSING
In every situation in which we have to work with others, it is
primarily our thoughts and perceptions that influence our
behaviour. These can centre around positive and winning
interpretations of life or negative and losing ones.
Winning and losing options seem to be at the very heart of
the way we run our societies. Our legal, judicial, political and
governmental systems are strongly adversarial. They are
about either-or choices. "If you are not for me, you must be
against me." Because of this, many people develop
conditional winning perceptions of life, ie for me to win,
others must lose. These result in aggressive, competitive
and manipulative strategies.
Others develop losing perceptions of life, ie I'm not as good,
clever, strong or popular as he is, therefore he is better than
me. These result in non-assertive strategies.

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WIN-WIN THINKING
The alternative to win-lose or lose-win thinking is win-win
thinking. Win-win thinking is to look for mutually positive
outcomes in every one of life's situations.
Say the free-spirited child in us (or with us holding our hand)
wants a pizza for tea. The critical nurturing parent in us
knows that pizzas are full of empty nutrients, ridiculously
expensive and can taste awful. So how does she go about a
win-win solution?
The key moves are firstly to acknowledge the child's
request; secondly to value their wishes; and thirdly to
combine them in a way where the child can still be
protected while valuing their needs.
"You want a pizza? So do I. What do you like about pizzas?
Toppings? Me, too. What say we buy some toppings, go
home and make our own?"
This approach to relationships is also known as "love".

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ASSERTIVE RIGHTS
More play has been made in the Assertiveness movement of
individual assertive rights than probably any other feature.
Assertive rights are the trademark of Assertiveness.
For many unassertive people, the realisation that you have
personal rights which others have denied you, or perhaps
more to the point, you have denied yourself, comes like a
shaft of revelatory light.
As well as acknowledging the assertive Bill of Rights of
authors like Anne Dickson and Virginia Satir, it is an
invaluable exercise to write out your own bill of rights for
general or particular situations in which you find yourself.

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MY BILL OF RIGHTS
You may share the following set of general assertive rights
which can apply to any situation you find yourself in.
1. I have the right to be treated with respect as an
intelligent, capable and equal human being.
2. I have the right to express my feelings.
3. I have the right to express my own opinions and values.
4. I have the right to say "yes" and "no" for myself.
5. I have the right to make mistakes without feeling
worthless.
6. I have the right to change my mind.
7. I have the right to say I don't understand.
8. I have the right to ask for what I want.
9. I have the right to decline responsibility for other people's
problems.
10. I have the right to choose to be aggressive and
unassertive if it is justified.

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MTL Course Topics
THE FIVE FREEDOMS
The following Five Freedoms are Virginia Satir's version of
her Bill of Assertive Rights.
1. I have the freedom to see and hear what is here and now,
rather than comply with others' distortions of what was, will
be or "should" be - and be safe to share it.
2. I have the freedom to think what I think rather than what
I "should" think - and be safe to share it.
3. I have the freedom to feel what I feel, rather than what I
"should" feel - and be safe to share it.
4. I have the freedom to want and to choose what I want,
rather than what I "should" want - and be safe to share it.
5. And the freedom to imagine my own self-actualization
rather than playing a rigid role or always playing it safe - and
be safe to share it.

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“I AM ME” BY VIRGINIA SATIR
This poem was written in response to a question
posed to Virginia Satir by an angry teenage girl.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me
Everything that comes out of me is authentically
me
Because I alone chose it – I own everything about
me
My body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my
actions,
Whether they be to others or to myself – I own my
fantasies,
My dreams, my hopes, my fears – I own all my
triumphs and
Successes, all my failures and mistakes Because I
own all of
Me, I can become intimately acquainted with me –
by so doing
I can love me and be friendly with me in all my
parts – I know
There are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and
other
Aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am
Friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously
And hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles
And for ways to find out more about me – However
I
Look and sound, whatever I say and do, and
whatever
I think and feel at a given moment in time is
authentically
Me – If later some parts of how I looked, sounded,
thought
And felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that
which is
Unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new
for that
Which I discarded – I can see, hear, feel, think, say,
and do
I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to
be
Productive to make sense and order out of the
world of
People and things outside of me – I own me, and
therefore I can engineer me – I am me and
I AM OKAY

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MTL Course Topics
MY JOB INTERVIEW RIGHTS
The following rights will turn a job interview from one in
which the interviewer might be seen as having the upper
hand into one in which both sides are equal.
1. I have the right to be considered for this job on an equal
basis with others.
2. I have the right to be treated respectfully.
3. I have the right to put my best self over.
4. I have the right to believe I can succeed.
5. I have the right to take my time in answering questions.
6. I have the right to feel disappointed if I don't get the job.
7. I have the right to ask for the reasons why I was not
selected.
8. I have the right not to be browbeaten, humiliated or
interrogated.

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MTL Course Topics
APPROPRIATE CHOICES
Being able to act assertively does not mean that this is the
only way you must behave in every one of life's situations.
On the contrary.
If the situation calls for it, you may be better off to take an
aggressive approach or a non-assertive one. This may also
be the case when you feel that assertiveness is too
reasonable and emotionless for the response you want to
give.
What choice you make depends on...
1. your overall aims or strategy
2. your priorities now
3. your mood and feeling and what feels right
4. your chances of success.
The reason why you can still be assertive while taking a non-
assertive approach is that it remains your choice.

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CHOOSING HOW TO ACT
Assertiveness is as much about being free to make choices
about behaviour as it is about how to enact those choices.
For example,...
You might choose to be aggressive when...
1. you are under threat
2. someone attacks you physically
3. you want to do something which requires a lot of
energy
4. you want to convey passion.
You might choose to be non-assertive when...
1. others have legitimate authority over you ( eg a police
officer; a court of law)
2. others are angry and it isn't the right moment to answer
back
3. you feel under stress and just want to "let go" of making
an effort.

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CHOOSING HOW TO FEEL
As we grow up, the protective programming of others
transmits to us certain lessons about how we should feel, eg
"Boys don't cry"; "Girls don't get angry". We are also led to
believe that we have no choice about how we feel, eg "I
can't help feeling this way"; and that others are responsible
for the way we feel, eg "You made me angry".
But our feelings, like our thoughts, are not pre-determined.
They are responses to outside stimuli that we have
programmed ourselves to make. Whenever anything
happens to us, we can choose how to respond, even if it
means unlearning old habitual responses that are no longer
appropriate.
The realisation that we can choose how we feel means that
we control our responses to events. There is no such thing
as a good or bad feeling, only a good or bad choice.

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MTL Course Topics
AN AGGRESSIVE TONE
Aggressive ways of speaking can be recognised when
people...
1. state opinions as facts, eg "That's rubbish!"
2. use threats, eg "You'd better get it done."
3. put others down, eg "You cannot be serious."
4. praise self, criticise others, eg "I knew I should have
done it."
5. use "must", "should", "ought" excessively
6. place excessive emphasis on words, eg "Everybody
should..."
7. use a voice that is loud, strident, sharp, abrupt, sarcastic
and cold.

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A NON-ASSERTIVE TONE
Non-assertive ways of speaking can be recognised when
people...
1. make long rambling statements, eg "I don't mean to
butt in, but could you possibly...?"
2. use unnecessary qualifying words, eg "Maybe..."
3. use filler words, eg "Uh...basically...sort of..."
4. put themselves down, eg "I seem to be hopeless at
this..."
5. apologise and justify themselves, eg "Sorry, but..."
6. use phrases which make it easy for others to ignore
their needs, eg "It's not really important..."
7. use a voice that is tentative; hesitant; low; trailing off;
inaudible; garbled.

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AN ASSERTIVE TONE
Assertive ways of speaking can be recognised when
people...
1. make statements that are brief and to the point
2. use well-considered "I" statements eg "I believe..."
3. distinguish clearly between fact and opinion, eg "In my
experience..."
4. avoid words like "must", "should" and "ought"
5. make constructive suggestions, eg "I need time to think.
Can we stop?"
6. use open-ended questions of others, eg "How does this
affect you?"
7. use a voice that is steady, warm, firm, clear, sincere,
neither soft nor loud.

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MTL Course Topics
UNASSERTIVE SIGNALS
Aggression is conveyed by the following body language
signals...
staring; leaning back with hands behind your head; pointing
fingers, jabbing pencils at someone; fist-thumping; chin
thrust forward; clenched fists; wry smiles; scowling when
angry; taking up maximum space; invading other people's
space; finger-drumming; striding around impatiently.
Non-assertiveness is conveyed by the following body
language signals...
little or no eye contact; looking down or to one side;
expressionless; slumping; sad or fearful expression;
shoulders up and tense; hand wringing; hand over face or
covering mouth; nervous smile when angry or being
criticised; legs wrapped around each other; folded arms.

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ASSERTIVE SIGNALS
Assertive behaviour is conveyed by the following body
language signals...
1. steady eye contact without staring
2. smiling when pleased, frowning when angry, otherwise
open
3. spontaneous and fluid
4. open hands
5. relaxed posture
6. low level of unnecessary gestures
7. facial expression reflects feeling being expressed
8. sitting and standing upright
9. taking up the appropriate amount of space.

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MTL Course Topics
BODY SPACE ZONES
We each have a space around us that belongs to us alone.
There are four body zones in this space.
1. The Public Zone of 12 feet plus which is the distance we
keep from strangers.
2. The Social Zone of 4 feet to 12 feet which is the
distance we keep when talking to social acquaintances
or work colleagues.
3. The Personal Zone of 18" to 4 feet which is reserved for
normal conversation with those we know well.
4. The Intimate Zone of up to 18" within which we only
allow close friends and relatives.
Aggressive people often invade people's personal space
zones; while non-assertive people keep well outside.
Assertive people get a feel for what is the right distance and
confidently occupy it.

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ASSERTIVE SEQUENCES
Assertive sequences are any sequence which allows you to
listen and acknowledge others while at the same time
making your own points.
The following six-step assertive sequence uses the
mnemonic LASSIE.
1. L: Listen
2. A: Acknowledge them by name and by showing you
understand what they are saying.
3. S: Say what you think and feel.
4. S: Say what you would like to happen.
5. I: Indicate you recognize any differences between you.
6. E: Explore joint solutions to these differences.
For example: "John, I understand that you feel put out about
having to stay late. This order is important and I need it to
go tonight. Other than changing your plans, can you think of
what else we can do?"

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ASSERTIVE STEPS
An alternative assertive sequence to LASSIE is the four steps
of PFNC: problem; feelings; needs; consequences. In other
words, you outline the Problem; you express your Feelings;
you state your Needs; you say what the Consequences will
be.
An example might be a request to a neighbour to turn down
their stereo.
“Hi, can I speak to you about your stereo. It's been keeping
me awake at night. (The Problem)
I know you enjoy it but I have a problem with it. (Your
Feelings)
You see, I have to get up early in the morning and I would
like to get to sleep at night without being disturbed. (Your
Needs)
I would appreciate it if you could either turn it down or
move it to somewhere in your flat where I can't hear it or
maybe something else.” (The Solution or Consequence)

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ASSERTING OURSELVES
It would seem that we find it easier to act an assertive role
when it is part of our job than we do when it is something
we want for ourselves.
In a survey of how assertive most people were in their own
lives and in their job, most people found no difficulty asking
someone to put out a cigarette in a No Smoking zone,
ticking someone in the team off, paying someone a
compliment, or admitting they'd forgotten someone's name
- if it was part of their job. However the same people had
more difficulty in being assertive about returning a faulty
purchase, doing something about a poor quality restaurant
meal, asking colleagues in the same office to be quiet or
asking the boss for a rise.
The conclusion seems to be that if we want to be more
assertive in getting something for us, we should see it as a
job that we are doing for someone else.

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PROBLEM-STATING
There are six types of problem-stating assertion.
1. Basic assertion simply states in clear words what you
would like to happen. "I want to go home."
2. Empathetic assertion lets others know you understand
what they want. "If you want to smoke, the No Smoking
carriage is two carriages along."
3. Involving assertion brings others in on an equal footing.
"Chris, how will these plans affect you?"
4. Discrepancy assertion points out the difference between
what you want and what others want. "Last week, we
agreed I was over-loaded. Now I've been given a new
account."
5. Feelings assertion explains how you feel. "I feel it's unfair
that I have to cover every time you're late."
6. Consequence assertion states, without threats, what
might happen if things don't change. "If you continue to be
late, we'll have to make other plans."

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NATURAL ASSERTIVE STYLES
When we apply assertiveness in problem-solving situations,
it tends to be emotionless. This is deliberately intended to
defuse feelings that are running high. However, we can still
express emotions and thoughts in an assertive way. We do
this by using four natural assertive styles:
expressive; supportive; directive; and analytical.
The following are phrases you might use to someone who
had just ran a good meeting.
1. Expressive. This style is spontaneous and tells someone
how we feel eg. "Great meeting! Well done!"
2. Supportive. This style tells someone of your backing for
what they did eg "I liked the way you answered those
difficult questions."
3. Directive. This style is results-oriented eg "That was a
fine job to get so many ideas coming out."
4. Analytical. This style is a factual record eg "The meeting
went smoothly and finished on time."

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MTL Course Topics
THAT’S
IT!
WELL DONE!

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Assertiveness
MTL Course Topics
THANK YOU
This has been a Slide Topic from Manage Train Learn

Facets of Assertiveness

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