Workshop on topics of disclosure and feedback

1. Communication Workshop
Semira Rahemtulla
December 5, 2016

2. Who am I?
Most recently…
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
Previously…
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ Vividence
(Acq by Keynote)
• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer
Science
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. One Big Idea

4. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

5. Feelings & Emotions – Why??Feelings & Emotions – Why??

6. Exercise #2
If You Really Knew Me

7. Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me…
• Each person gets 2min to complete the
sentence “If you really knew me (right now)….”
• No responses except “Thank you”

8. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
Self-Disclosure

9. “ VULNERABILITY IS
THE BIRTHPLACE
OF CONNECTION. ”
BRENÉ
BROWN

10. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers
was strength of affection.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”,
Kouzes & Posner
Authentic Leaders

11. Feedback & Influence

12. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

13. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

14. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #2
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)
The Net
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #1
Shared

15. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
“When you do [x]…”
Focus on specific, observable behavior
"I feel [y]…”
Describe the impact of that behavior on you (disclosure)
“Can you tell me what’s going on for you?”
Ask about the other person’s intentions and perspective
Stay on your side of the net!

16. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. AJ, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. AJ, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are
clearly bored with this presentation.
3. AJ, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am feeling
anxious about what message that might send to others in
the room.

17. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try another example…
1. You’re not very approachable.
2. When I asked you for time off last week, you didn’t respond
very well. You’re not very approachable.
3. When I asked you for time off last week and you said “oh
man, the team really needs you right now,” I felt guilty for
asking, even though that time off is important to me. And I’ve
noticed I’m more hesitant now to approach you with
questions or requests.

18. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
Step 1: Open with mutual goals and positive intent.
What do you really want for this relationship?
What is your intention in giving this feedback?
Step 2: Stay on your side of the net
a. Stick to observable behavior (“When you did [x]…”)
b. Share your reaction (“I felt [y], and my story is [z]”)
c. Ask for their perspective (“What was going on for you?”)
Step 3: Enter joint problem-solving.
Decide together how to make things better.
Design some experiments.

19. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

20. Exercise #4
Complimentary Feedback

21. Exercise #4: Complimentary Feedback
Think of one thing your coworker does that
you really appreciate
1. Describe the behavior as specifically as
possible
2. Describe the impact the behavior has on
you

22. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityReceiving Feedback
Manage your own defensiveness
• Notice it
• Name it: “Affect Labeling”
Goal is understanding, not winning
• “Can you tell me more about that?"
• Restate what you’ve heard to confirm understanding
Gift mentality: Say “Thank you!”

23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLast Reminder
Stay on your side of the net:
When you do [x]…
I feel [y]…
And my story is [z].
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?
Use the Vocabulary of Emotions.

24. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity,
focus area
Communication & Management
– Too much/little
– Choice of format
– Email etiquette
– Language choices,
communication style with others
– Transparency of project status,
hiring/firing/promotions
Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from
this person?
– How do they impact others?
– What do they model well?
– Anything you worry about?
– Arrival/departure times
– How they speak/listen/act/dress

25. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 