On topics of disclosure and vulnerability, team and culture, giving and receiving feedback

1. Effective Communication
Joe Greenstein & Semira Rahemtulla
August 25, 2015

2. Who are we?
Most recently…
• Co-founder/CEO of Flixster
(Acq by WB, 2011)
Previously…
• VP Product @ Edusoft
(Acq by Houghton-Mifflin)
• Co-founder @ CoreMetrics
(Acq by IBM)
• Co-founder @ QApro
(Failed completely)
Joe Greenstein
Cofounder of InnerSpace
Most recently…
• Co-founder/CEO of PlayTell
Previously…
• Director, Product Mgmt @ Guidewire
(IPO 2010, $2.5B+ market cap)
• UX Designer @ Vividence
(Acq by Keynote)
• Harvard Ed.M; Stanford Computer
Science
Semira Rahemtulla
Cofounder of InnerSpace

3. Who are you?

4. First Exercise

5. Topics for Today
• What makes an effective leader?
• What makes an effective team?
Format: Learn together, not talk at you

6. With special thanks to…

7. We will…
– Give you our best
– Take breaks
– End on time
What else would be helpful for you?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

8. We ask you to…
Respect
confidentiality
Photo by Vox Efx [link]
Working Agreements

9. We ask you to…
Challenge yourself
Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Working Agreements

10. We ask you to…
Minimize
distractions
Photo by Robert S. Donovan [link]
Working Agreements

11. Photo by Luz Adriana Villa [link]
We ask you to…
Wait for breaks &
Return on time
Working Agreements

12. We ask you to…
– Challenge yourself
– Respect confidentiality
– Minimize distractions
– Wait for breaks & return on time
Can we all commit to this?
Working AgreementsWorking Agreements

13. Photo by Theresa Thompson [link]
Disclosure & Vulnerability 40 mins
Team & Culture 40 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 1 60 mins
Break 10 mins
Feedback & Influence, part 2 50 mins
Closing 10 mins
TOTAL ~4 hrs
Agenda

14. One Big Idea

15. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Assumptions
Feelings
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
3 Realities (The “Net” Model)

16. Feelings & Emotions – Why??
Everyone feels them;
we just pretend we
don’t.
Convey crucial
information; absence
of emotion leaves
out half the story.
Emotions indicate
importance. Most
powerful motivator?
They are
an early warning
system
Feelings & Emotions – Why??

17. Exercise #2: If You Really Knew Me

18. Disclosure & Vulnerability

19. Self-Disclosure
Will I be less
liked,
respected,
influential
(leader-like)?
Is it relevant?
Will it further the
discussion – the
relationship?
Will others
use this
information
against me?
How will
others
see/assess/
judge me?
“What in
my ‘bubble’
should I
share?”
We are constantly
making the choice of
letting our self be
more fully known
Self-Disclosure

20. Vulnerability
“I define vulnerability as
the expression of
uncertainty, risk, and
emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability

21. Authentic Leaders
“The single factor distinguishing top quartile
managers from bottom quartile managers was
strength of affection – both given & received –
with their team.”
--“Encouraging the Heart: A Leader’s Guide to Recognizing and Rewarding Others”, Kouzes & Barry
Authentic Leaders

22. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
• Build connection, trust
• Repair distortions
• Avoid “progressive impoverishment”
Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability

23. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / Vulnerability
1. Disclosure & vulnerability are critical to
connection.
2. Effective leaders form strong connections.
Conclusion: Consider being more open.
The Bottom Line

24. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Team & Culture

25. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
What Makes an Effective Team?
1. Participation
2. Collaboration
3. Cooperation (Commitment)
Research: All of these are correlated to
Group EQ
“Building Emotional Intelligence”, Wolfe & Druskat, Harvard Business Review, 2004

26. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
“I’m starting to
feel defensive”
Inward
(my emotions)
Outward
(others’ emotions)
Emotional
Awareness
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)
“He seems to be
getting agitated”
• Take a deep breath
• “Could you give
me a sec?”
• Take a walk
“Are you ok?”
EQ (Individual)

27. Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Inward
(Our Team)
Outward
(Other Teams)
Emotional
Awareness
EQ (Group)
Emotional
Management
(“Regulation”)

28. High EQ individuals ≠ High EQ group
Group norms
determine group EQ
Photo by Woodleywonderworks [link]
Group EQ

29. Exercise #3

30. Photo by jm3 [link]
Our Norms

31. What norms do we have?
What norms do we need?
What can you do as leaders?
Photo by jm3 [link]
Our Norms

32. Feedback & Influence

33. Working AgreementsJohari Window
OPEN/
PUBLIC
PRIVATE UNKNOWN
I know I don’t know
You
know
You
don’t
know
Reactions/Feedback
D
i
s
c
l
o
s
u
r
e
BLIND

34. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityWhy is Feedback Important?
1. Personal Development
2. Team Effectiveness
3. Stronger Relationships
Bottom Line: Feedback is how we grow

35. Photo:RobbieGrubbs
Can I give you some feedback?

36. Photo by State Farm [link]
Social situations ≈ Physical threats
Threat Response

37. Photo by Andrew Vargas [link]
David Rock
What social
situations trigger
a threat response?
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
SCARF Model

38. So… how do we communicate feedback
while minimizing defensiveness?

39. INTENT
Needs
Motives
Stories
Reality #1
BEHAVIOR
Verbal
Non-Verbal
Reality #2
Common
IMPACT
Feelings
Reactions
Responses
Reality #3
The Net
The Net (again)
Feedback

40. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityHow to Give Effective Feedback
1. Focus on specific, observable behavior
2. Describe the impact of that behavior on you
3. Do not address my motives or intentions
(Do ask about them & listen actively if I choose to share.)
Stay on your side of the net!

41. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityThe Simplest Feedback Model
When you do [x], I feel [y].
(and optionally)
The story in my head is… (z)
Can you tell me what’s going on for you?

42. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityLet’s try some examples…
1. Joe, you clearly don’t care about this presentation.
2. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. You are
clearly bored with this presentation.
3. Joe, I noticed that you are looking at your phone. I am
feeling anxious about what message that might send to
others in the room.

43. Exercise #4: Introduce Yourselves
• Form groups of three
• First person has 2 minutes to talk about a topic
• Then 2 minutes each of feedback from the other 2
Choose your topic
1. Something happening in your team that you
feel strongly about
2. Something happening in the company that
you feel strongly about
3. Something happening to you personally that
you feel strongly about
A B
C

44. Exercise #4: Feedback Tips
• What did you notice about the person’s tone or body
language? Did they make eye contact?
• What did they say first or emphasize most? What seemed
most important? Why?
• What emotions did they convey about their experience?
• What did you feel while you were listening?
• What stories came up for you?
When you said/did [x], I felt [y].

45. Photo by Ana Karenina [link]
1:1 Feedback

46. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Receiving Feedback
• Look for “Grains of Truth”
– Learning is better than being right
– Goal is understanding, not winning
• Listen and ask clarifying questions
– “Can you tell me more about that?”
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Gift mentality
– Say “Thank you!”

47. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Complimentary Feedback
• Give more!!!
• Do not praise to buffer criticism
– Avoid “The Sandwich”
• Do not praise to overcome resistance
• Avoid platitudes. Be specific:
– Weak: “Joe, you’re killing it.”
– Strong: “Joe, I’ve noticed you’ve been on time to almost
every meeting this week. I feel grateful for the extra effort.”

48. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilityTips for Constructive Feedback
• Assume good intent; be curious
• Use a soft start
– Emphasize mutual goals & positive intent:
My intention is…
When you do [x], I feel [y].
• Be aware of your own stress
• Goal is joint problem solving

49. You 1st buddy 2nd buddy
Andrea Corley Johnny K Ping
Chris Hecht Craig Z Holly Z
Chris Riccomini Marcie N Shyam M
Craig Zarmer Chris H Phaedra S
Darryl Chang David C Rich S
David Clarke Darryl C Sankate S
Holly Zhang William M Chris H
Jeremy Milk Joey M Vasusen P
Joey Milano Jeremy M Yvonne C
Johnny Kinder Andrea C Neal R
Marcie Nicholson Chris R Rainier C
You 1st buddy 2nd buddy
Neal Rosenblum Sankate S Johnny K
Phaedra Saylor Raymond Craig Z
Ping Li Yvonne C Andrea C
Rainier Calo Vasusen Marcie N
Raymond Ng Phaedra William M
Rich Steenburg Shyam M Darryl C
Sankate Sharma Neal R David C
Shyam Maddali Rich S Chris R
Vasusen Patil Rainier C Jeremy M
William Metzger Holly Z Raymond N
Yvonne Covello Ping L Joey M

50. Benefits of Self-Disclosure / VulnerabilitySuggested Topics For Feedback
• Work Product
– Timeliness, quality, quantity, focus area
• Communication & Management
– Too much/ little, choice of format, email etiquette, language
choices, communication style in front of others, transparency of
project status, hiring/firing/promotions
• Role Modeling & Presence
– What energy do you feel from this person, How do they impact
others? What do they model well? Anything you worry about?
Arrival/departure times, attire, how they speak/listen/act?

51. Photo by Daniel Oines [link]
Challenge Yourself

52. Thanks, good-bye, and stay on
your side of the net 