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The True Story of Jack and the Beanstalk Well, first of all, let’s get something straight, thiswhole “beanstalk” thing was a TOTAL lie. And, it didn’thappen centuries ago, it happened like a year ago, on askyscraper, that Jack built, right under my mansion.And yes, I did call my attorney. But, I should let you know that I’m the “Bid, Bad,Giant” that everyone thinks is going to eat Jack orsomething. Well, again that isn’t true. Jack set me upand left me broke and living in the worst cloudcommunity in the sky. Here’s the real story. One day, Jack thought it was the greatest idea tobuild a replica of the Empire State Building right undermy mansion. I was furious. He called all of hiscoworkers, two yellow bulldozers, one orange crane,and other tools and supplies. Well, it turns out that Jackdidn’t place a budget, so in the middle of his building hehad to stop and just put a roof on the thing (that waslucky for me because it was only ten inches away fromthe bottom of my mansion). At first, I didn’t really know what was going on. Iwoke up from my sleep because I heard such a racketoutside my window. I went to the window and lookedoutside. There was a building right under me! I knewjust who did it, the only person in the world who wouldbuild a SKYSCRAPER without setting a budget, orconfronting his company. Smart one (NOT!). I ran outside and shouted to Jack, “Jack! Get uphere, NOW!” He replied to me, in a mocking tone, “I would reallylove to, but how do you expect me to get up there?”
I lifted my hand down and he reluctantly set hisbody in the palm of my hand. I lifted him through thetrees making sure he hit every branch possible. “What do you think you’re doing building askyscraper RIGHT under me??!” I demanded. “Well, remember that trophy I gave you?” Jack toldme, with his face looking innocent. “Yes, what about it? It’s on my mantle looking quitestunning with the fire flickering off and on it.” I saiddreamily, as I pictured the trophy. “Well, you should have looked a little morecarefully, because on the bottom I had engraved on it:‘By accepting this trophy, you understand that JackConningham has permission to build on your property,as long as he has his builder’s license.’ Which I do.”Jack finished by holding up his license. “Jack Conningham!” I shouted with frustration. I ran over to the trophy and threw it into the fire,along with the stereo Jack had given me as an earlyHanukah gift. Jack had followed me into the room and leanedagainst the wall grinning. “You know, Giant, this doesn’t change anything aslong as I have this.” Jack said gesturing to a tiny card,(his license) with the words Jack Conningham printedneatly beside a picture of him. I was becoming more furious by the minute, so Ilunged at Jack and tried to get his license. He fell backin surprise and then ran to my kitchen. I followed him and eyed around the kitchen. “CRASH!” A knife clattered to the ground and Jackcame bursting from behind it. He screamed in fear, but I kept quiet and followedhim into them living room.
“Enough games, Jack. Take down your building!” Ibellowed throughout the house so loud the mansionwas shaking. Jack slammed the porch door and ran onto theporch. I went to the porch doors and examined where Jackhad slammed the door. He made a chip in the paint! “JACK!” I shouted so loud that the porch doorsopened by them selves. I looked out and saw Jack, holding for dear life offthe railing! If it was me being the small one beingchased by a Giant like myself, the LAST thing I would dois go on the porch with nothing holding it up but sky! But, then again we’re talking about Jack. Anyway, I tried to walk over and help him, but mysteps were too much. He lost his grip and fell all the waydown past the building. Luckily, Mattress World was unloading somemattresses for the Princess down the street (she sleepson like 20!) and Jack fell upon them. I sighed in relief. He could have killed himself! I looked back down and people were helping Jackand asking what happened. He kept pointing toward the sky and mumblingsomething no one could make out. What an idiot! I walked back to my house and laid on my XLLLXLking sized bed, tempurpedic of course!. I sighed withrelief as I sank into the cushiony cushions and almostinstantaneously fell asleep. The next morning I woke up and got the newspaperfrom the porch. They’re always so small! I went and gotmy magnifying glass and read the headline:
Giant terrorizes construction worker WHAT?!?!?! I ran out to the window and called outfor the 2nd time, “JACK! GET UP HERE!” I saw Jack look up and called to the orange craneoperator. He pointed to my mansion and then got in thebox. The crane lifted him up to the 19th floor (it was a bigcrane, ok?) and then Jack used a ladder for the last 8floors. I waited patiently, and then lifted Jack onto theporch. “Listen Giant, I can have restr…” Jack started but Icut him off. “Let’s get something STRAIGHT Jack! First of all,my name isn’t Giant! It’s Gregg! And second, I didn’tpush you off the porch, you fell!” I looked down at himwith such fury that he almost looked scared, but then hestraightened up. “Well then, ‘Gregg’ that’s enough.” He turnedaround and waved to the crane. Jack jumped down tothe roof and stepped on the crane box. “FINE! He could leave, as long as he didn’t comeback!” I thought to myself. Well, I was wrong. Ten minutes later a helicopterflew onto the roof of the unfinished building and tensmall men dressed in black came out and climbed ontomy porch. “Mr. um…. Gregory Larson Giant, we have the orderto arrest you, by the order of jack Conningham, fordeliberately shoving him off your porch.” They read off apaper. Alright, that was enough. ‘I didn’t push him off he fell!” I half screamed, halfstammered.
“Well, sir… I’m sorry but rules are rules…. And I’msorry but the rule book doesn’t really mention anythingabout that it’s ok to push someone off a Giant’smansion…” the guard stammered. Well, it didn’t matter. In matter of seconds they hadme tied up. The head chief spewed words into his walkietalkie, and five more helicopters came and pulled me totheir local, “Giant Jail” (I didn’t even know we had oneof those!). So, that’s how I ended up broke, and after a year ofjail, ended up in the worst cloud community. Right overNiagara Falls. It was almost always raining, and so loud! The End