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#RelateLive
No One Understands You
How to Create Successful Relationships
In Business & Life
Dr. Heidi Grant
Halvorson
@hghalvorson
Overview
Why others don’t see you the way you see yourself
How perception actually works
Relationships are complicated: Tr...
“…some women’s
bodies are not right for
our pants.”
You Them
You Them
Your intentions YES No
You Them
Your intentions YES No
Your thoughts YES No
You Them
Your intentions YES No
Your thoughts YES No
Your feelings YES No
You Them
Your intentions YES No
Your thoughts YES No
Your feelings YES No
Your facial expressions No YES
You Them
Your intentions YES No
Your thoughts YES No
Your feelings YES No
Your facial expressions No YES
Your body languag...
You Them
Your intentions YES No
Your thoughts YES No
Your feelings YES No
Your facial expressions No YES
Your body languag...
You Them
Your intentions YES No
Your thoughts YES No
Your feelings YES No
Your facial expressions No YES
Your body languag...
HOW THEY
SEE YOU
YOUR WORDS
& ACTIONS
INTERPRETATION
HOW THEY
SEE YOU
YOUR WORDS
& ACTIONS
INTERPRETATION
YOUR ACTUAL
WORDS
& ACTIONS*
INTERPRETATION
YOUR ACTUAL
WORDS
& ACTIONS*
STEREOTYPES
ASSUMPTIONS
False Uniqueness: The 10 Commandments
I obey
Americans
obey
Do not curse or use profanity 64%
Go to church, synagogue, or ...
False Uniqueness: The 10 Commandments
I obey
Americans
obey
Do not curse or use profanity 64%
Go to church, synagogue, or ...
False Uniqueness: The 10 Commandments
I obey
Americans
obey
Do not curse or use profanity 64% 15%
Go to church, synagogue,...
INTERPRETATION
YOUR ACTUAL
WORDS
& ACTIONS*
STEREOTYPES
ASSUMPTIONS
INTERPRETATION
YOUR ACTUAL
WORDS
& ACTIONS*
STEREOTYPES
ASSUMPTIONS
PAST
EXPERIENCE
WITH YOU
INTERPRETATION
YOUR ACTUAL
WORDS
& ACTIONS*
STEREOTYPES
ASSUMPTIONS
PAST
EXPERIENCE
WITH YOU
STUFF ABOUT
THEM
INTERPRETATION
YOUR ACTUAL
WORDS
& ACTIONS*
STEREOTYPES
ASSUMPTIONS
PAST
EXPERIENCE
WITH YOU
STUFF ABOUT
THEM
CONTEXTREQUI...
How they see
YOUR BRAND
How they see
YOU
3 Ways Relationships Get Complicated
Trust Power Ego
Trust Lens
Will you be a FRIEND OR FOE?
WARMTH
COMPETENCE
WARMTH
COMPETENCE
WARMTH
COMPETENCE
WARMTH
COMPETENCE
WARMTH
COMPETENCE
Projecting Warmth
Maintain
EYE
Contact
SMILE NOD
Actually
LISTEN
Be
AFFIRMING
Power Lens
Why should I bother to
“GET” YOU?
Ingratiation
Ingratiation
Ingratiation
Doing a Great Job
Ingratiation
Doing a Great Job
Ingratiation
Doing a Great Job
THIS IS HOW I CAN HELP YOU
Ego Lens
How do I feel about
YOUR SUCCESS?
CLOSENESS
RELEVANCE
CLOSENESS
RELEVANCE
High Threat
Moderate Threat
CLOSENESS
RELEVANCE
High Threat
Moderate Threat
CLOSENESS
RELEVANCE
Low Threat
High Threat
Moderate Threat
Low Threat
CLOSENESS
RELEVANCE
Low Threat
High Threat
Decrease Relevance
Decrease Closeness
See You Negatively
GROSS
Too Close, Too Comparable
Key Takeaways
Establish trust: Project warmth and competence
Body language (eye contact, smile, open posture)
Affirmation,...
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
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No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life

Heidi Grant Halvorson Ph.D., Social Psychologist, Associate Director of Columbia University’s Motivation Science Center

Ever get the feeling that no one understands you? That you and your customers or colleagues are just talking past one another? You're not alone. With miscommunication as the biggest culprit of business acrimony, it’s no wonder that so many customer service interactions go awry. That’s why, in this talk, researcher, author, and blogger Heidi Grant Halvorson shares how we can get out of our own minds and make sure our message is heard. Using research from her latest book, Halvorson demonstrates the science of perception, so you’ll communicate more clearly, send the messages you intend, and improve your relationships. Even those tricky customer service ones. ​

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No One Understands You: How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life

  1. 1. #RelateLive No One Understands You How to Create Successful Relationships In Business & Life
  2. 2. Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson @hghalvorson
  3. 3. Overview Why others don’t see you the way you see yourself How perception actually works Relationships are complicated: Trust, Power, Ego Come across the way you intend to for better collaboration and greater influence
  4. 4. “…some women’s bodies are not right for our pants.”
  5. 5. You Them
  6. 6. You Them Your intentions YES No
  7. 7. You Them Your intentions YES No Your thoughts YES No
  8. 8. You Them Your intentions YES No Your thoughts YES No Your feelings YES No
  9. 9. You Them Your intentions YES No Your thoughts YES No Your feelings YES No Your facial expressions No YES
  10. 10. You Them Your intentions YES No Your thoughts YES No Your feelings YES No Your facial expressions No YES Your body language MAYBE YES
  11. 11. You Them Your intentions YES No Your thoughts YES No Your feelings YES No Your facial expressions No YES Your body language MAYBE YES Your behavior YES YES*
  12. 12. You Them Your intentions YES No Your thoughts YES No Your feelings YES No Your facial expressions No YES Your body language MAYBE YES Your behavior YES YES* What you say YES YES*
  13. 13. HOW THEY SEE YOU YOUR WORDS & ACTIONS
  14. 14. INTERPRETATION HOW THEY SEE YOU YOUR WORDS & ACTIONS
  15. 15. INTERPRETATION YOUR ACTUAL WORDS & ACTIONS*
  16. 16. INTERPRETATION YOUR ACTUAL WORDS & ACTIONS* STEREOTYPES ASSUMPTIONS
  17. 17. False Uniqueness: The 10 Commandments I obey Americans obey Do not curse or use profanity 64% Go to church, synagogue, or mosque on holy days 64% Respect your parents 95% Do not commit murder 91% If married, do not have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse 86% Do not steal 90% Do not say things that aren’t true about another person 88% Do not envy things another person has 76% Do not covet another person’s husband or wife 84% Worship only the one true God 81% 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  18. 18. False Uniqueness: The 10 Commandments I obey Americans obey Do not curse or use profanity 64% Go to church, synagogue, or mosque on holy days 64% Respect your parents 95% Do not commit murder 91% If married, do not have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse 86% Do not steal 90% Do not say things that aren’t true about another person 88% Do not envy things another person has 76% Do not covet another person’s husband or wife 84% Worship only the one true God 81% 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  19. 19. False Uniqueness: The 10 Commandments I obey Americans obey Do not curse or use profanity 64% 15% Go to church, synagogue, or mosque on holy days 64% 22% Respect your parents 95% 49% Do not commit murder 91% 71% If married, do not have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse 86% 45% Do not steal 90% 54% Do not say things that aren’t true about another person 88% 33% Do not envy things another person has 76% 23% Do not covet another person’s husband or wife 84% 42% Worship only the one true God 81% 49% 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
  20. 20. INTERPRETATION YOUR ACTUAL WORDS & ACTIONS* STEREOTYPES ASSUMPTIONS
  21. 21. INTERPRETATION YOUR ACTUAL WORDS & ACTIONS* STEREOTYPES ASSUMPTIONS PAST EXPERIENCE WITH YOU
  22. 22. INTERPRETATION YOUR ACTUAL WORDS & ACTIONS* STEREOTYPES ASSUMPTIONS PAST EXPERIENCE WITH YOU STUFF ABOUT THEM
  23. 23. INTERPRETATION YOUR ACTUAL WORDS & ACTIONS* STEREOTYPES ASSUMPTIONS PAST EXPERIENCE WITH YOU STUFF ABOUT THEM CONTEXTREQUIRES TIME & EFFORT
  24. 24. How they see YOUR BRAND How they see YOU
  25. 25. 3 Ways Relationships Get Complicated Trust Power Ego
  26. 26. Trust Lens Will you be a FRIEND OR FOE?
  27. 27. WARMTH COMPETENCE
  28. 28. WARMTH COMPETENCE
  29. 29. WARMTH COMPETENCE
  30. 30. WARMTH COMPETENCE
  31. 31. WARMTH COMPETENCE
  32. 32. Projecting Warmth Maintain EYE Contact SMILE NOD Actually LISTEN Be AFFIRMING
  33. 33. Power Lens Why should I bother to “GET” YOU?
  34. 34. Ingratiation
  35. 35. Ingratiation
  36. 36. Ingratiation Doing a Great Job
  37. 37. Ingratiation Doing a Great Job
  38. 38. Ingratiation Doing a Great Job THIS IS HOW I CAN HELP YOU
  39. 39. Ego Lens How do I feel about YOUR SUCCESS?
  40. 40. CLOSENESS RELEVANCE
  41. 41. CLOSENESS RELEVANCE High Threat
  42. 42. Moderate Threat CLOSENESS RELEVANCE High Threat
  43. 43. Moderate Threat CLOSENESS RELEVANCE Low Threat High Threat
  44. 44. Moderate Threat Low Threat CLOSENESS RELEVANCE Low Threat High Threat
  45. 45. Decrease Relevance
  46. 46. Decrease Closeness
  47. 47. See You Negatively GROSS
  48. 48. Too Close, Too Comparable
  49. 49. Key Takeaways Establish trust: Project warmth and competence Body language (eye contact, smile, open posture) Affirmation, empathy, curiosity Get attention: Be instrumental How can I help you get from A to B? Be awesome and likable: Create a sense of “us” Create a strong team identity Talk about shared goals Celebrate their wins

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