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Shame Resilience-
Heroic Families-Parallel
Processes
Dr. Louise A. Stanger LCSW, CIP and Jeffrey M. Merrick Esquire
Jeffrey J. Merrick, Esq.
Attorney / Interventionist
Hollywood, California
(949) 280-3603
jeffrey@attorneymerrick.com
Dr. Louise A. Stanger, Ed.D, LCSW, CIP
Interventionist, Author, Speaker
West Hollywood, California
(619) 507-1699
Allaboutinterventions.com
Objectives
Identify external motivators and collateral
processes for the resistant client
Learn alignment strategies using
Motivational Interviewing and Solution
Focused Therapy
Practice the art of Crucial Conversations
Practice Parallel Processes
Identify Emotional Attunement
Practice Reflective Listening and Speaking
Identify Ways to Integrate these strategies
into your practice
Care Advocacy for the client in treatment
Superwomen Counselor
Superman Counselor
How do our clients arrive ?
Family History
Dance
 Mental / Physical Health Issues
 Substance Abuse
 Sudden Death
 Financial Crisis
 Legal Crisis
Family Strengths
 Communication
 Caring
 Health
 Commitment
 Resilience
 Spirituality
Attributes of Healthy Families
( McMannis PHD & McMannis MSW)
Talking & Loving
Expressing Language
Adapting to Change
Sharing Time Together
Who’s in Charge
Balancing Closeness &
Difference
Accepting Difference
Seeing The Positive
Effective Problem
Solving
Parenting Together
Families with SA & MH
 Are behavioral systems in which SA and MH-related behaviors have become the central
organizing structure
 An identity is forged around this, family accommodates to the special needs of the
person with SA or MH behavior
 Daily rituals reflect this new identity and can alter the balance that exists between
growth and regulation in the family
 Families begin to count on a conscious or unconscious way of this new identity and are
somewhat resistant to change -- in other words SA is actually maintained by the family
 Hence the introduction of change most often appears as emphasis on short term stability
at the expense of long term growth.
 Family distortions
Good - Not So Good
Families and Confabulations
Family Fusion
 Lack of personal space
 Taking over-Controlling
 Blurred Lines
 Blaming
 Power
 Denying
 Rescuing / Faulty Reasoning
 Boundaries
 Getaway Driving
 Bailout
So What Type of Families Do You Encounter?
Agreeable Family –Does everything you
ask
The Invisible Family-always in the
background
The Questioner- calls all the time and
emails …
The Know it all-Knows everything about
everything
The Talker – Talks –Talks and Talks
The Complainer- Nothing is ever
good enough
The Worrier
The Micro-Manager
The Confuser-- says one thing does
completely the opposite.
Analysis / Paralysis
What’s your Attitude ?
Families are Hurting / Experts (SFT)
1.Client is the expert about their own
life
2. Professionals adopt posture of not
knowing (easier said then done)!
Solution Focused Coaching
Not necessary to understand deeper
cause or meaning
Goals are defined by client, focusing on
the possible and changeable, honoring
client choice
Small change is often all that is possible
Families/Clients are experts
3. Counselor expertise is
called along the way.
4. Remember this is not
about you
5. Avoid one upmanship
Assumption: Families are Motivated
 Probability of behavior change
or movement toward or against
goal
 Extrinsic…….
 Intrinsic ……
 What are they motivated to do?
Braving- Trust- Brene’ Brown……..
B-Am I clear in helping client respect
their own boundaries?
R-Am I reliable did I do what I said I
was going to do?
A-Did I hold myself accountable
V -Did I respect confidentiality and
share
I- Did I act from integrity?
N did I ask for what I needed-Was I
nonjudgmental ?
G-Was I generous in my
interpretation of myself and others
Parallel Processes
Families must have opportunities to
grow alongside their loved one that is in
treatment
The Truth is all parents fail their
children …
The Task of growing is to find our own
ways of parenting ourselves
To Parent from a Place of Love
Krissy Pozatek. LICSW
Parallel Process
Letting Go of the reins
Emotional Attunement
Listening-Reflective
Learning how to speak
Shifting Responsibility Back to your loved
one
Separate but coordinated processes --
bringing in our clients’ motivators
Who Moved My Cheese? Traps to Avoid
 Expert
 Question- Answer
 Labels
 Taking sides
 Blaming Others
 Runaway Defense –
 Healthy versus Unhealthy Help?
 Know your boundaries
Intervention
Treatment Indicated / Client Unwilling
Client in Trouble / Loss of Control
Family Focus Higher/ Problem More Visible
Court Involvement / Assistance
Maximum Consequences / Leverage / External Motivators
 In Custody / Threat of Custody / Return to Custody
 Access to client over time / Single location
 More Willingness / Freedom vs. Treatment
 Needs Attorney, Bail, Etc.
 Redefining Freedom
 Fear – The Great Motivator
External Motivators
Assumptions To Avoid
 Person OUGHT to change
 Person WANTS to change
 Persons health is prime
motivation factor
 If she/he decides not to
change consultation is a
failure
 Individuals are either
motivated to change or they
are not
 Now is the right time to
consider change
 A tough approach is
always the best
approach
 I am the expert and
know best
 I am right my child,
young adult , grown
child is wrong
 A equalitarian approach
is always best
Strategies for Handing Resistance
 Clarification
 Shift focus away from
stumbling block
 Emphasize Personal Choice
and Control
 What Are The External
Motivators?
Crucial Conversations
Client is always right
Agree with clients goal, its about
choice
Use client’s language
Develop Compliments to support
change
Case Examples
 I want to know everything that
is said in treatment
 You are not responding to my
child’s needs
 You call yourself a case
manager?
 You can’t talk to me?
BBC- Bars- Boardrooms and Court
Bar Intervention
Substance Abuse- Alcohol & Other Drugs
Mental Health
Breast Cancer Survivor
Intergenerational Issues
Relational Attachment Issues
In The Law Office………….
Alice - 42
Alcohol Dependant
Divorce
Falls Asleep on Desk
Empty Bottles in Trash Can
Work Complaints
Security Complaints
Partner-Super Lawyer
In the Courtroom……
Mother of Defendant –Psychic
Defendant- Drug Charges
SA and MH issues
Case Example: “Phil”
King Baby
 I am very important
and only can talk with
the CEO at least 3
times a day at my loved
one
Queen Baby
The problem is you, your treatment center
does not understand our daughter. She is
unique
My daughter must talk to me at least once
a day
My daughter demand s a special diet
My daughter wants her phone
What you need to know about my daughter
is …
You’re my lawyer – I hired you!
Oh no you don’t! That’s not the outcome I
like!
Family’s After Treatment –Heroic
Operate from a Place of Love
Shift Responsibility from bailing out
to responsible choice
Attunement
Individualization
Healthy Boundaries-enforce
consequences
Own Recovery
Talking care of themselves
Good physical health
Emotionally sound
Acting from ones values
Heroic Counselors Help Create Heroic Families
Stanger Books
Resources
The Daring Way- Raising Strong -Brene’ Brown
Crucial Conversations – Patterson etal
The Parallel Processes- Kathy Prozatek LICSW
The Journey of The Heroic Parent –Brad M Reedy PHD
If You Meet The Buddha On The Road-Kill Him- Sheldon Kopp
Motivational Interviewing- Miller and Rollnick
http://www.motivationalinterviewing.org
Solution Focused Therapy- Young and Berg
Dr Louise Stanger http://www.allaboutinterventions.com

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Shame resilience - Heroic families - Parallel processes

  • 1. Shame Resilience- Heroic Families-Parallel Processes Dr. Louise A. Stanger LCSW, CIP and Jeffrey M. Merrick Esquire
  • 2. Jeffrey J. Merrick, Esq. Attorney / Interventionist Hollywood, California (949) 280-3603 jeffrey@attorneymerrick.com Dr. Louise A. Stanger, Ed.D, LCSW, CIP Interventionist, Author, Speaker West Hollywood, California (619) 507-1699 Allaboutinterventions.com
  • 3. Objectives Identify external motivators and collateral processes for the resistant client Learn alignment strategies using Motivational Interviewing and Solution Focused Therapy Practice the art of Crucial Conversations Practice Parallel Processes Identify Emotional Attunement Practice Reflective Listening and Speaking Identify Ways to Integrate these strategies into your practice Care Advocacy for the client in treatment
  • 6. How do our clients arrive ?
  • 7.
  • 9. Dance  Mental / Physical Health Issues  Substance Abuse  Sudden Death  Financial Crisis  Legal Crisis
  • 10. Family Strengths  Communication  Caring  Health  Commitment  Resilience  Spirituality
  • 11. Attributes of Healthy Families ( McMannis PHD & McMannis MSW) Talking & Loving Expressing Language Adapting to Change Sharing Time Together Who’s in Charge Balancing Closeness & Difference Accepting Difference Seeing The Positive Effective Problem Solving Parenting Together
  • 12. Families with SA & MH  Are behavioral systems in which SA and MH-related behaviors have become the central organizing structure  An identity is forged around this, family accommodates to the special needs of the person with SA or MH behavior  Daily rituals reflect this new identity and can alter the balance that exists between growth and regulation in the family  Families begin to count on a conscious or unconscious way of this new identity and are somewhat resistant to change -- in other words SA is actually maintained by the family  Hence the introduction of change most often appears as emphasis on short term stability at the expense of long term growth.  Family distortions
  • 13. Good - Not So Good
  • 15. Family Fusion  Lack of personal space  Taking over-Controlling  Blurred Lines  Blaming  Power  Denying  Rescuing / Faulty Reasoning  Boundaries  Getaway Driving  Bailout
  • 16. So What Type of Families Do You Encounter? Agreeable Family –Does everything you ask The Invisible Family-always in the background The Questioner- calls all the time and emails … The Know it all-Knows everything about everything The Talker – Talks –Talks and Talks The Complainer- Nothing is ever good enough The Worrier The Micro-Manager The Confuser-- says one thing does completely the opposite. Analysis / Paralysis
  • 18. Families are Hurting / Experts (SFT) 1.Client is the expert about their own life 2. Professionals adopt posture of not knowing (easier said then done)!
  • 19. Solution Focused Coaching Not necessary to understand deeper cause or meaning Goals are defined by client, focusing on the possible and changeable, honoring client choice Small change is often all that is possible
  • 20. Families/Clients are experts 3. Counselor expertise is called along the way. 4. Remember this is not about you 5. Avoid one upmanship
  • 21. Assumption: Families are Motivated  Probability of behavior change or movement toward or against goal  Extrinsic…….  Intrinsic ……  What are they motivated to do?
  • 22. Braving- Trust- Brene’ Brown…….. B-Am I clear in helping client respect their own boundaries? R-Am I reliable did I do what I said I was going to do? A-Did I hold myself accountable V -Did I respect confidentiality and share I- Did I act from integrity? N did I ask for what I needed-Was I nonjudgmental ? G-Was I generous in my interpretation of myself and others
  • 23. Parallel Processes Families must have opportunities to grow alongside their loved one that is in treatment The Truth is all parents fail their children … The Task of growing is to find our own ways of parenting ourselves To Parent from a Place of Love Krissy Pozatek. LICSW
  • 24. Parallel Process Letting Go of the reins Emotional Attunement Listening-Reflective Learning how to speak Shifting Responsibility Back to your loved one Separate but coordinated processes -- bringing in our clients’ motivators
  • 25. Who Moved My Cheese? Traps to Avoid  Expert  Question- Answer  Labels  Taking sides  Blaming Others  Runaway Defense –  Healthy versus Unhealthy Help?  Know your boundaries
  • 26. Intervention Treatment Indicated / Client Unwilling Client in Trouble / Loss of Control Family Focus Higher/ Problem More Visible Court Involvement / Assistance Maximum Consequences / Leverage / External Motivators  In Custody / Threat of Custody / Return to Custody  Access to client over time / Single location  More Willingness / Freedom vs. Treatment  Needs Attorney, Bail, Etc.  Redefining Freedom  Fear – The Great Motivator
  • 27.
  • 29. Assumptions To Avoid  Person OUGHT to change  Person WANTS to change  Persons health is prime motivation factor  If she/he decides not to change consultation is a failure  Individuals are either motivated to change or they are not  Now is the right time to consider change  A tough approach is always the best approach  I am the expert and know best  I am right my child, young adult , grown child is wrong  A equalitarian approach is always best
  • 30. Strategies for Handing Resistance  Clarification  Shift focus away from stumbling block  Emphasize Personal Choice and Control  What Are The External Motivators?
  • 31. Crucial Conversations Client is always right Agree with clients goal, its about choice Use client’s language Develop Compliments to support change
  • 32. Case Examples  I want to know everything that is said in treatment  You are not responding to my child’s needs  You call yourself a case manager?  You can’t talk to me?
  • 34. Bar Intervention Substance Abuse- Alcohol & Other Drugs Mental Health Breast Cancer Survivor Intergenerational Issues Relational Attachment Issues
  • 35. In The Law Office…………. Alice - 42 Alcohol Dependant Divorce Falls Asleep on Desk Empty Bottles in Trash Can Work Complaints Security Complaints Partner-Super Lawyer
  • 36. In the Courtroom…… Mother of Defendant –Psychic Defendant- Drug Charges SA and MH issues
  • 38. King Baby  I am very important and only can talk with the CEO at least 3 times a day at my loved one
  • 39. Queen Baby The problem is you, your treatment center does not understand our daughter. She is unique My daughter must talk to me at least once a day My daughter demand s a special diet My daughter wants her phone What you need to know about my daughter is … You’re my lawyer – I hired you! Oh no you don’t! That’s not the outcome I like!
  • 40. Family’s After Treatment –Heroic Operate from a Place of Love Shift Responsibility from bailing out to responsible choice Attunement Individualization Healthy Boundaries-enforce consequences Own Recovery Talking care of themselves Good physical health Emotionally sound Acting from ones values
  • 41. Heroic Counselors Help Create Heroic Families
  • 43. Resources The Daring Way- Raising Strong -Brene’ Brown Crucial Conversations – Patterson etal The Parallel Processes- Kathy Prozatek LICSW The Journey of The Heroic Parent –Brad M Reedy PHD If You Meet The Buddha On The Road-Kill Him- Sheldon Kopp Motivational Interviewing- Miller and Rollnick http://www.motivationalinterviewing.org Solution Focused Therapy- Young and Berg Dr Louise Stanger http://www.allaboutinterventions.com