1. The KidDesigns Dispatch
Volume 5, Issue 01 November 2009
Compare to the active ingredients in The National Enquirer
A Local Balloon Hoax Shatters Nerves
In a scene eerily reminiscent of the recent “Balloon Boy”
incident in Colorado, the Air Force scrambled several F-
16 Fighter Jets over the skies of Rahway, New Jersey last
Tuesday to intercept a strange flying craft constructed of
tin foil and balsa wood. Believing it to be a possible
terrorist threat, they were prepared to shoot it from the
skies. After keeping the craft under surveillance for almost
2 hours, it was determined to be a stunt perpetrated by an
apparently mentally unstable individual from the Rahway
area.
After several hours, the craft came to a rest within the
walls of the Rahway State Prison courtyard where a man
simply known as “Big Fella” exited. Smiling broadly and
waving to the crowd, he joined the swarm of people and
began shaking hands until he realized who the crowd was
made up of. Once he realized where he was, he made an
attempt to escape only to be pulled back into the crowd
and introduced to Bubba Jones, the original “Big Fella”. At
this time, he resides in a holding cell under the big dome
of the Rahway State Prison awaiting a judge’s decision
regarding bail.
From what authorities can figure out at this time, in an
apparent attempt to replicate the infamous flight that
captured the attention of the nation, “Big Fella”, aka Jim
Merchant, had strapped himself into the ungainly craft that
he built in his office and set himself aloft. Having seen
what kind of attention could be garnered from a stunt such
as this, he felt he could elevate his position within his
employer (SDI Technologies Inc.) by bringing national
publicity, free publicity at that, and perhaps increase sales
within his territory.
Unfortunately this stunt may bring him jail time instead.
Because of the commotion caused by what is now being
characterized as a fraud, local and felony charges are
likely to be brought against him. Among the charges to be
levied are “Unlawful Use of a Tin Foil Device” as well as
“Copyright Infringement” since he had the iHome Logo
plastered on the top of the craft, a clear violation since it
should have been on the bottom where the public could
see it more clearly from the ground as it flew overhead. If
convicted, he could face 10 years in jail as well as
expulsion from SDI Headquarters.
In a related story, Mary Cappella was arrested for carrying
and firing an unlicensed BB gun from the grounds of SDI.
It appears her target was the craft being piloted by Mr.
Merchant. “This is a setup” she declared, “I was hunting
rabbits so I could make Welsh Rare-bit for dinner”. She
was released after a few hours under her own
recognizance and her sworn promise to use a real gun
next time.
It has been noted that there was at least one positive
aspect of the stunt. Eddie Blanco has been tasked with
having several more of the “balloon like” crafts
constructed for the Sales Department as a way of
reducing the travel budget. He is currently in China
scouting factories to build a proto-type that will initially be
used by Steve Pyles on a business trip to CVS in
Woonsocket, Rhode Island. CVS was chosen for the test
run since it lies due east of New Jersey where the winds
will likely carry it. The craft will also be equipped with a
camping tent, another way to reduce costs by eliminating
the need for an overnight hotel stay. Additional savings
will also be realized by using the “hot air” captured from
sales meetings instead of the more expensive helium gas
typically used in crafts such as these.
What’s Inside:
Sports – Page 3
Weather – Page 3
News Briefs – Page 5
Horoscope – Page 4
Gossip – All Pages
Dear Edie – Page 5

2. Conference Turns Ugly
Patti Travostino heads back to the U.S. this weekend after
an embarrassing incident in Malaysia. After speaking at a
symposium that was arranged and sponsored by the
American Medical Association and the Hemlock Society
she was booed and cackled off the stage by many of the
participants and attendees on hand. The symposium was
arranged so as to bridge the gap between the differing
philosophies of the AMA and the Hemlock Society.
Whereas the AMA holds the belief that all life is sacred
and should be protected at all costs, the Hemlock Society
believes in the freedom of an individual to end his or her
own life when faced with an incurable and debilitating
disease by allowing Physician Assisted Suicide.
Ms. Travostino spoke passionately and eloquently about
the plight of many Asian children who struggle on the
streets of Manila, Bangkok, and Mumbai, often times
begging for food and shelter. “The youth of Asia need our
help and understanding”, she pleaded.
During her time on stage, the presentation and speech
she made highlighted activities performed by children
such as Kite Flying in Japan and Bollywood Style dancing
in India and Bangladesh. It also included a group of
children in colorful garments playing a variety of
woodwind instruments and singing songs native to their
homelands.
After the conference, a tearful Patti explained, “I thought I
would be greeted by lovely little Asian Children to talk
about their culture and way of life”. “Instead, I was treated
like a pariah or a criminal”. She also went on to say that
she was under the belief the symposium involved the
subject of “Youth-in-Asia” and only found out later that
the subject was actually “Euthanasia”.
She was later heard to mumble, “That witch Debbie
Soprano put me up to this”. “I’ll fix her wagon”.
Inspiration From Jennifer Lopez
In order to simplify communication within the building
between co-workers, the Human Resources Department
has issued a directive that all employee names should be
shortened in the same manner as certain celebrities. It is
believed that this will cut down on unnecessary syllable
usage during critical crunch times, specifically backorder
periods as well as unnecessary chit-chat. Whereas
Jennifer Lopez is known as JLo, Alex Rodriquez is ARod,
and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are called Branjelina, we
are to begin addressing SDI and KidDesigns people the
same way. Some examples to follow:
Edie Delaney - EDel
Vanessa Rondinone – VRon
Jeff Kahan – JKah (please do not refer to him as Kaka)
Jaime Valente – JVal
Jimmy Rodriquez - JRod
Several employees will have this requirement waived.
They include:
Irene Anton – Rivera – She will simply be addressed by
her full name, Irene Anton Rivera Newton John Fawcett
Majors Taylor Fisher Burton Taylor Burton Fortensky
Jim Merchant – Should still be addressed as Big Fella or
BF # 1
Maria Viera – Ms. Crabtree
SDI Unveils New iCart

3. SDI has partnered with the A & P and Stop and Shop food
chains to place iPod Docking Stations on all of their
shopping carts. The carts will be equipped with special
software that plays SDI and KidDesigns advertisements
when an iPod unit is docked in them.
Consumers will be able to hear the virtues of owning an
iHome device while they shop for their families dinner and
other necessities. The newly installed devices will also
enable the shopper to print out money saving coupons for
items such as Cheese Whiz and Fluff as well as other
staples.
The program was the brainstorm of Evan Stein who came
up with the idea after bumping his head during a Roller
Derby Tournament. He suffered a slight concussion at the
time, but is otherwise in good health. He hopes to expand
the program to include hospital emergency rooms that
utilize gurneys.
Weather
This week will be cloudy with a chance of clearing.
Winds will pick-up considerably after 8:30 A.M.
each day as employees arrive at their work stations.
Bitter cold will also continue in the secretarial and
steno pool areas.
Sports Highlights
Kurt Grunder was injured during the recent baseball game
between SDI and Michelino’s Pizza. The game was held
in nearby Rahway Central Park to help raise funds for the
local High School Cheerleading Squad’s planned trip to
the finals in Washington D.C. Apparently, the opposing
team decided to whitewash a few of their meatballs and
use them instead of regulation baseballs. Kurt was hit in
the head by a line drive by one of the meatballs that was
hit by Ralph DeVito. The game ended after a forfeiture by
the opposing team.
Susan Eimont went on to the Hopscotch Championships
in Brussels after defeating defending champ Brian
Joseph. As many will recall, Mr. Joseph injured a tendon
last week after slipping on a banana peel in the semi-
finals in his match against Marie Shiel and was unable to
play to his fullest potential. He continues to claim
sabotage against Ms. Shiel, but it appears no charges will
be filed.
News Briefs

4. At the recent Toy Fair in Dallas, Jeff Kahan unveiled
several new products that will be offered to the
consumer for the 2010 Holiday Season. Among them
is the “refreshed” Barbie Doctor Kit which will now
include a handy cell phone with a lawyer’s phone
number preprogrammed into it. This will allow quick
and easy access to legal counsel when hit with a
malpractice suit. It will also come with a
complimentary instruction sheet on how the doctor
can participate in the Lobbying effort against Health
Care reform in Washington
Joe Garcia, salesman extraordinaire was recently
knighted by Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II. Citing his
talent to sell ice cubes to Eskimos and vodka to Russians,
she bestowed the prestigious award upon him. “He has
sold a bill of goods to the British public and for that I am
very grateful”, the Monarch proclaimed as she whacked
him on the head with a sword from the Holy Order of the
Round Table. Among the items he managed to push upon
the unsuspecting British public was the recently
discontinued KidDesigns Pretend Tooth Extraction Kit.
Following the ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Mr.
Garcia was airlifted to Kensington Royal Hospital to be
treated for a concussion suffered from the sword.
Treatment was administered using the new
aforementioned KidDesigns Doctor Kit.
Dear Edie – The Columnist With
No Regard…
Dear Edie,
I like to sing and think that I have a pretty good voice. I’m no
Luciano Pavarotti or even a second rate Peter Lemongello, but I
get by pretty well, thank you. Many times I have the distinct
honor of singing Happy Birthday at my company celebrations
where usually only a few people get sick and pass out. Recently
at one of the celebrations I hit an unusually high note and
several windows shattered and glass flew everywhere. My
question to you, am I responsible for the damages caused? I’m
told it could be several thousand dollars.
Signed,
Resident Crooner
Dear Crooner,
Unfortunately, according to my legal counsel, you are
responsible. Even Ella Fitzgerald paid for the glasses she broke
in those old Memorex commercials. The good news is that many
of your co-workers, including myself, have taken a collection to
pay for the damages as long as you promise to stop singing.
Confidential to Bewildered in Rahway:
You’re correct that Arlene Sullivan used to helm this prestigious
advice column, but she was hit with several lawsuits recently.
She cannot comment at this time due to pending litigation, but
apparently she steered several lovelorn readers the wrong way
and they’re mad as hell. Therefore, I will be taking over this
column for the foreseeable future.
Keep those letters coming…..