You can write grammatically and spell perfectly but still produce sentences that will bamboozle your reader.Be alert to what matters in sentence structure, and know what to look for in your own writing.

1. The Graveyard of Failed
Sentences
Enter at your own risk

2. The Failed Sentences
They hide in the depths of your writing, sometimes in plain sight.
The spelling is faultless
The grammar is accurate, if lacking elegance.
But they can undermine your ideas and your hard work.
Meet the enemy…

3. The Conga Line of ‘Whiches’.
A very long sentence consisting of a string of similar parts,
often joined by the word ‘which’.
There are many potential roles undertaken by practice nurses which
are dependent on their training, the GP with which they work and
the structure of the general practice which they work in.
If you put too many ‘whiches’ or ‘thats’ in a sentence, it is hard to
work out who is doing what. Which is a helpful word, but don’t
overuse it.

4. The Conga Line of ‘Whiches’.
Solutions
There are many potential roles undertaken by practice nurses which are
dependent on their training, the GP with which they work and the
structure of the general practice which they work in.
1. Remove ‘there is/are’:
2. Use ‘ing’ forms, where appropriate: training.
3. Remove unnecessary / repeated information
Many potential roles are undertaken by practice nurses
depending on their training, the GP with whom they
work and the structure of the general practice.

5. The Trump Card.
A short sentence, which draws far too much
attention to itself, although it has little to say.
How long should a sentence be? It depends on the effect you are
looking for. Short sentences are highly emphatic, so if you use them
for unimportant information, they will distract your reader from your
more important messages and may even confuse them.

6. The Trump Card.
A short sentence, which draws far too much
attention to itself, although it has little to say.
Compare the following:
The present-day Army of Angonia was founded in 1955 as
part of the newly formed West Angonian Alliance together
with the Marines and the Angonian Air Force, in all
comprising of 62,194 soldiers. They also have horses.
The present-day Army of Angonia was founded in 1955 as
part of the newly formed West Angonian Alliance together
with the Marines, the Angonian Air Force, and horse
troopers. In all, the army is comprised of 62,194 soldiers.

7. Solutions
1. Reduce the number of ‘carriages’ in
the sentence. Make each remaining
carriage do more work, by including
adjectives and adverbs:
The first act began with an
unexpected, deafening explosion.
2. Reorder the parts of the
sentence so that you deal with each
topic once- ie write about the
explosion, then the actor. Do not
mix the two.
3. Vary the structure of the parts of
the sentence.
The first act began with an
unexpected, deafening explosion,
whereupon the protagonist
appeared in a striking, deep purple
gown, which trailed behind her; a
single spotlight shining on her face
to relieve the dark stage.
The Pilbara Ore Train
Similar to the ‘conga line of whiches,’
this sentence drags behind it many
identical sections, like the hundreds of
featureless carriages on the iron-ore
trains of the outback.
The protagonist of the play, who
appeared in the first act that began with
an explosion that was deafening and
which the audience did not expect, wore
a striking gown in purple that was very
intense, trailing behind her along the
stage now in darkness apart from a
single spotlight shining on the actor’s
face.

8. Solutions
1. Reduce the number of ‘carriages’ in
the sentence. Make each remaining
carriage do more work, by including
adjectives and adverbs:
The first act began with an
unexpected, deafening explosion.
2. Reorder the parts of the
sentence so that you deal with each
topic once- ie write about the
explosion, then the actor. Do not
mix the two.
3. Vary the structure of the parts of
the sentence.
The first act began with an
unexpected, deafening explosion,
whereupon the protagonist
appeared in a striking, deep purple
gown, which trailed behind her; a
single spotlight shining on her face
to relieve the dark stage.
.
Reduce the number of ‘carriages’ in the sentence.
Make each remaining carriage do more work, by
including adjectives and adverbs:
The first act began with an unexpected, deafening
explosion.
2. Reorder the parts of the sentence so that you
deal with each topic once- ie write about the
explosion, then the actor. Do not mix the two.
3. Vary the structure of the parts of the sentence.
The first act began with an unexpected, deafening
explosion, whereupon the protagonist appeared in a
striking, deep purple gown, which trailed behind her;
a single spotlight shining on her face to relieve the
dark stage.
The Pilbara Ore Train
Solutions

9. The Living Dead
This sentence chokes the life out of all
the action in the ideas, turning lively
verbs and sparkling adjectives into
zombie nouns.
Compare the following:
✘Underground mine worker safety protection procedures
development
✔Developing procedures to protect the safety of
workers in underground mines
✘Draft laboratory animal rights protection regulations ✔Draft regulations to protect the rights of laboratory
animals
✘National Highway Traffic Safety Administration’s
automobile seat belt interlock rule
✔The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration’s
interlock rule applies to automotive seat belts
Words are most meaningful on the page when they are in their original form. If it is something you do, it
should be a verb; if it describes something, it should be an adjective. Sometimes we like to turn these forms
into nouns, sucking the life out of your writing and inducing a death-like coma in your reader.

10. The Damp Squib
This sentence starts of with lots of fizz and sparkle, but finishes
on a disappointing note:
Compare the following:
A: In the October Revolution, the Bolsheviks gained control over
the countryside and instituted wide reaching reforms, while the
March revolution saw little change in the life of the people.
B: While the March revolution saw little change in the life of the
people, the October Revolution saw the Bolsheviks gain control
over the countryside and institute wide reaching reforms.
Hopefully you agree that sentence B is more interesting. The end of a sentence is often called ‘The Impact Position’.
That is where readers expect to find the most useful or interesting information. If you start with something important
and end with minor or background information, your reader will be confused about what you are likely to say next and
the direction of the whole passage.

11. Like its cousin, the damp squib, this
sentence opens with a fine message,
but keeps going after the important
information has been delivered, the
curtains have closed, and the audience
is headed for the bar.
✘ Sociobiology uses
evolutionary theory to
explain human behaviour in
situations we are in every
day.
✓ Sociobiology uses
evolutionary theory to
explain human behaviour in
everyday situations.
The Encore

12. Trim the end of the sentence to
finish with impactful
information:
✘Research aiming to prove the
existence of telepathy does not stand
up to scrutiny for the most part.
✓Most research aiming to prove the
existence of telepathy does not stand
up to scrutiny for the most part.
The Encore
Solutions:
Shift minor points to the left,
or start of the sentence:
✘ The most severe allergic reaction
to peanuts is anaphylaxis — a life-
threatening whole-body response to
an allergen, although this is
relatively uncommon.
✓Although uncommon, the most
severe allergic reaction to peanuts is
anaphylaxis — a life-threatening
whole-body response to an allergen.

13. Stay vigilant!
These sentences can creep into your work and undetected,
especially when you have been working on the same topic
for a number of years.
Keep yourself safe: read parts of your work aloud, swap
chapters with another thesis writer and weed them out for
each other.
Rest your writing for a while, then read it with fresh eyes . In
long sentences, keep your eyes peeled for the conga-line of
whiches, and the Pilbara Train. Make sure your short
sentences are not Trump cards, but truly deserve the extra
attention. Examine the ends of your sentences for The Damp
Squib and the Encore.